A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi.. I've been with my bf for about 7 months. He has a degree in classics, privately educated, where as I have A levels and I quit a dead end job because of depression and couldn't handle it.I still am intelligent and we have deep conversations about films, art etc. we both like and do our own art too. He is a loving, caring person (as am I) and always tells me im his life, how much he loves me, compliments me.. but recently we've been disagreeing more, yesterday he asked me if I loved him and I admitted that I worried if we were compatible.. He admitted that the only thing in his mind was that im not as educated as he is and his parents want a graduate/ intellectual for him... he then backtracked and said he didn't want that, he wanted me as I am.I argued that many graduates are idiots, and it doesnt mean much. I know Im imaginative, intelligent and we do have stimulating conversations. He then said that I am very intelligent but need more education?! This is what Im upset over.I plan to do a course in digital design as do want to improve myself. Im argued if I need a degree for him to go out with me he can bog off, because I believe there are many more enterprising ways to succeed.I do really care about him and its my first real relationship. But do you think he was right to say this? I feel hurt and insulted. He did admit he doesnt need a "graduate" I just feel like he's looking down on me...We also have quite different political views, which causes mild arguments... not a deal breaker yet though.Does it sound like this is sustainable n long term? Thanks :( Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 March 2017):
 As you have said yourself you will make your own choices about your own education. I do get why his comments upset you, I do also think he had a case of foot in mouth. He probably didn't mean for it to come out the way he did. If everything else in the relationship seems good so far then stick with it. But if he tries to control your future decisions then I would walk. I do get why he would be worried if you have no third level education or a job, I guess everyone does worry about the future when they are with someone who is unemployed, I just think it came out wrong on his part. If I was with someone who had no job I would be worried as well if we had children or bills that the responsibility would be left with me.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): As previous responses said, I wouldn't worry too much.He sounds like a decent guy in that he acknowledges you don't need to have been at uni all your life to a decent person, it sounds like hegave you a non-thought out response in an uprepared situation (us men do that, it's alwaysbest to ask those bad questions again after 5 mins slilence!)I believe that most couples are often of quite differing intelligence levels, but in different ways. Intelligence isn't just about book studies, afterall. For example, I know a lot about a lot of stuff no one needs to know about and can work out how to get the car going again, whereas my wife knows the job she does so well she is headhunted quite often.If it seems to like the relationship is something you'd like long term, then I would bring up the subject again. I'm sure he doesn't have an issue, but it's best to clear the air of things lie this when they begin rather than letting things simmer quietly!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses! I'm going to do a course in whatever I want and something that will help me in the future. If he doesn't agree with my choices he can swivel lol:)
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 March 2017):
 I agree with anon. I think it either just came out wrong, or perhaps you are projecting your own insecurities about you lower level of educarion on him. In other words, he does not feel bad about you not having a degree or about him being more academically accomplished than you- but YOU do.
Because, what did he say , after all ? " Too bad that you could not get a degree ". Well... it is true . Too bad. Yes,you can be successful in life also without a college education, and having one does not make inherently a person " better " than less educated people ; but it does still give you an edvantage in life, socially, economically and psychologically ( even if less than it used to be ).
Someone who loves you would want for you the best you can possibly ever get in life, and all he is saying is, too bad that you did not get the best . That does not mean that he loves you or respect you any less.
It's a bit , let's see, as if your boyfriend 's car were,say,a Toyota. Now, that's fine. There's nothing wrong with driving a Toyota, you surely would not feel embarassed by dating a Toyota owner. But... if he had a Jaguar or a Mercedes , that would be even BETTER. It's not a pre-requisisite; you do not love him any less for not owning an expensive car, NOR are you going to dump him for the first Jaguar or Mercedes owner you meet JUST because he has a better car. But, ... there is always room for improvement in life ;). Supposing that your bf is a great guy ( which would be good ) if he had a Jaguar he would be a great guy who also has a Jaguar - even better.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2017): I think that maybe it came out wrong. I'm sure he DOES believe you are a very intelligent person, otherwise he wouldn't have chosen to be with you. Knowing this, there is probably a small part of him that does secretly wish you would get a university degree, probably in the area of general arts/ culture/ classics so that you two could discuss some of the things that he is passionate about. Of course you can be successful without a degree...but I don't think he is concerned with material success or even with you getting a stable job...he is probably more thinking about opening your mind and reading new things, learning about culture, etc. No matter how intelligent you are without a degree, I guarantee you, if you DO get a degree, you leave with so many more ideas in your head to discuss and think about. Of course that isn't the only way to open your mind, but it is the traditional way. Why not try to audit a course or two in the Humanities, and see how you like it? That might excite him and it might spark your curiosity as well.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 March 2017):
 Good on you for telling him he could "bog off" if he thought a degree was a requirement .... he sounds like a pretentious snob.
I feel it might be too soon to decide if the relationship is sustainable, he may still be capable of some growth in the personal development area :-)
Continue with your plans to complete the digital design course, and any others that interest you.
I am not suggesting you scrutinise each and every word your boyfriend utters in the future but if you get the niggly feeling he is looking down on you then call it quits.
You've had the conversation, he knows how you feel, if you still feel hurt and insulted you will know he is intellectually (and emotionally) incapable of understanding or changing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 March 2017):
 No.
I think YOU getting further educations is FULLY and WHOLLY your choice, not something he can "demand" of you. Now he may say it because he knows you are smart and could perhaps do MUCH better in life with further education, but it sounds like he wants YOU to get a degree to please his parents. Which again, is NOT your problem. If his parents want him to date someone with XX degree, you are NOT it (at least not for now).
What he doesn't understand is that HE can't make these choices for YOU. It's NOT his LIFE or HIS choice.
IF you (as you are RIGHT NOW, education and all) are not "good" enough - he should let you go. You are not putty or playdough that he can shape or change as HE sees fit.
Now while getting an education in something that can give YOU a future is a good idea, it's much better than having work low-income dead-end jobs you might hate. Even better if it's something you ENJOY.
Either your BF is a little insecure and used the "you need more education" as a put-down or a way for HIM to feel a little superior. OR he knows YOU being as smart as you are could go a bit further than you have and that MAYBE you need some incentive or a push to get "off your ass" and go for your dreams and goals.
Whether "graduates" are idiots or not IS irrelevant. You can surely find plenty of non-graduates who are idiots too.
And if you are as smart as you FEEL/THINK you are - then getting a degree can SURELY help you in your future WITH or without him. But should you do it for him? No.
...............................
|
