A
female
age
41-50,
*ineo
writes:My friend has got a very polite way of humiliating people and I don’t like it, I have spoken to her about this several times but she is a “take it or leave it” kind of a person. She does it to me as well sometimes and it hurts my feelings. But most of all, she makes me feel embarrassed when she is doing it to the people that do not understand her. What can I do? Sometimes I feel like quitting the relationship but I like her as a person, it’s just this thing of hers. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Full moon temptress1  +, writes (18 March 2009):
maybe you should let her know you are planning to quit the friendship,because of her 'polite ways'.Are you her only friend?Bet you are.She may not realise how badly she makes you and others feel.
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (18 March 2009):
 To be honest it is really up to you i mean you get her sense of humour but as you say your embarressed when she puts other people down who don't understand her sense of humour i mean you shouldn't have to apologize to other people for her behaviour that's wrong she shouldn't be putting people down like that no matter what way she intends it. I am sure she wouldn't appreciate other people putting her down and thinking that it's alright for them to do so.If you think that you have a really good strong friendship then keep it but if you don't want to be around someone like that then move on i'm sure she'll soon realise she shouldn't be so cruel to people.goodluck :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Since she is a "take it or leave it" kinda person, I suggest you leave it. Ever hear of guilt by association ? Should this woman hurt someone's feelings and you are with her, you will probably be thought to be in the same catagory as she is.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (18 March 2009):
 Basically, you can adopt her attitude, i.e. take it or leave it.I had a colleague like her once. I was strong enough to defend myself in public so that did not bother me. But I found that I ended up having to apologize to other people for what he was doing when he did that to them. After a while Ifelt that it got old. So I left the friendship. Recently, friends told me that this guy had been pretty much left on his own and had no friends to hang out with, after hurting so many people. Mind you, he did not seem to be bothered either.On a slightly different kind of attitude, I also had a friend who was always late whenever we promised to hook up. No explanations were offered on why she was late (sometimes up to 2 hours late!). So I told her, only to call me when she had arrived at our meeting point place, then and only then, I would get up and go there to her. She just laughed it off. That was 6 years ago. Her "habit" has not changed to this day.So in other words, you can accept her as she is, or you can leave the relationship. You already pointed out that your advice went unheeded. So she may or may not miss you if you left the relationship, and she or may not change her attitude of you did.But you are correct in empathizing with those who had to bear her "polite put downs".Cat
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