A
female
age
30-35,
*strike
writes:Hey everyone!I've been going out with my BF for nearly a year now. Our sex life has always been very good. We were both completely new to all things sexual before we met each other, but we've explored a lot together which has been nice.There's been a lot going on in my life recently which has left me feeling generally bleh-ish. I had a talk with him last week where I told him I'd like to stop having sex for a few weeks while I sort out things in my own head, because I was feeling very vulnerable.At first, he was offended. His reaction was basically that he felt like I was breaking up with him in a way. After I explained the situation to him in more detail, he understood.However, when he came down to my house a couple of days later, his behaviour was unbelievable. He kept trying to grope me. Of course, I reminded him of our conversation and he stopped, only to start again half an hour later. When I confronted him about it, he plead the whole "men don't have control" idea, which in my opinion is bullshit. I ended up not even sitting on the same couch as him and he refused to talk to me while he tried to get himself under control - not really the kind of relaxing evening I'd like to spend with my boyfriend. Also, the whole time, he acted as if it was some massive favour he was doing me! So, what are your opinions on the self control of men? Personally, I believe that they're just not expected to have a lot self control when it comes to sex, and therefore don't exercise it a lot.Any ideas for ways I could help my boyfriend improve his self control? Thanks for reading!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): I'll give you a male opinion. Yeah no sex for a while is a kick in the teeth, I'm sure you're not exactly over the moon about it either and love sex just as much. But strike, you're leading the horse to water and then getting pissed because it tries to drink. Yeah sure we can exercise self control but your tits are right there about two inches from where my hands are while we're cuddling, surely a quick feel is grand, is pretty much what will be going through his head.
What you're not getting is you don't want sex but you want to keep the cuddles and intimacy, but that's not going to work for him because being that close to you is making him horny as hell and is literally torture for him.
Now I'm not saying give him sex or anything like that but you have to take away more of the intimacy and not torture him that way.
We guys can exercise self-control to a certain degree but you're kind of acting like a tease, unintentionally of course, but the result is the same. You're still letting him get close enough that he can smell you, feel your warmth and then expect him to keep control of his sexual frustration? Sure you may aswell get naked and dance around in front of him for how frustrating that is.
For the duration of your sabbatical you have to treat him like a platonic friend, you can't have affection and romance without driving him crazy. I mean most guys would be able to control themselves but not all and not him.
You keep telling us what he says, that he says he understands, that he promises things won't be a problem, but that's bullshit look at how he's acting. It's obviously a problem and he obviously doesn't understand because he keeps trying it on. His actions contradict his words.
I'm not saying he's a liar or an asshole just his dick takes control when it comes to being near you.
If you want to remain sexless then have to steer clear of affection too for a while otherwise you're just torturing him when you know he can't control himself. It doesn't matter what you wear or how you look you're his girlfriend he's going to be aroused being any way cosy with you.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 December 2012):
 Fair enough, you warned him and he underestimated the consequences. I still think though that he is getting short shrift , since you are the one, again not by your fault, that can't deal with all the aspects of a balanced relaionship .Frankly, as harsh as it sounds, if being in a relationship brings up so many negative feelings in you, and requires such a careful handling of your moods and emotions ,... then maybe you should not be in one, and take the responsibility of not being in one . And please don't think I am unsympathetic, I do realize that you are bravely battling against your own demons , but, that's the thing, they are YOUR demons ; your bf has only been enlisted as an ally. I think you should be patient with your ally, - same as he is being patient with you. He can't be perfect ,so while you are justified to call him out on his shortcomings the times he " breaks the rules ", you are no perfect partner either , at least atm, and a bit of mutual tolerance would be in order.
As for the mental aspects,... it's always better starting from fixing ourselves rather than our environment . This too will sound blunter than I mean, but, of the two you are the malfunctioning one, he is just a normal kid who wants normal things and copes as well as he can with a difficult situation. Probably there's no fast solution, if you are in therapy since years... but perhaps, if you are in therapy since years and the problems are still there, maybe you should not exclude changing therapeutic approach, or changing therapist . And also, since you have an hypersensitivy to stress, while you are working to improve your stress response, also work actively to eliminate or reduce the stress factors in your life. Maybe there are changes that YOU need to make, not your boyfriend.
I STILL think you should change the setting of your meetings. Your place won't be cozy or intimate or romantic, but obviously your 4 siblings do not interfere so much, that he does not have the occasion to GROPE you. So, unless he is totally uninhibited :)... you still have too much privacy and too much occasions for physical closeness.
When there's a will there's a way. It's up to you to come up with some ides so that you can still hang out together minimizing the chances and the temptations: ) for physical contact. Don't you have a whole bunch of people to hang out with outside ? can't you invite friends over ? Enroll in some sort of classes or club ?
Basically, what you want from him is that, while still being with you , he acts more like a buddy - fine, but then find buddy things to do rather than just lounging on the downstairs :) sofa...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (7 December 2012):
 honey when a man is with a woman he wants to have sex with she can have no make up on, hair a mess and be wearing a burlap sack from head to toe and he would still want her.
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A
female
reader, _strike +, writes (7 December 2012):
_strike is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be honest, when we were talking about making the move from friends to a couple, I had a lot of doubts because I knew that stuff like this could happen and I didn't feel it would be fair to put that kind of pressure on him. When I explained how I felt to him though, he promised me he didn't care and that he just wanted to be with me etc. It wasn't something I suddenly surprised him with. We had been best friends for years and he knows me better than anyone.Hah I wished cozy intimate nights at home existed :P I have 4 other brothers and sisters of varying ages who are constantly underfoot! I have been making an effort though - wearing completely unalluring clothes when he's over, staying downstairs rather than going up to my room and being very careful in choosing what we watch on tv etc! I was more wondering if there's any kind of mental things that could help?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 December 2012):
Simple- cut down the cozy intimate nights at home , and meet in public , with friends. Go out to movies or restaurants or take walks or what not . Do what you would do if your relationship had not reached an intimate level yet.
You will say, " why? can't he just suck it up and take it as a man ? " Well, yes, he could , and he SHOULD work on his self control, or at least not take as his excuse that men can't control themselves ,because they can if they have to.
But the reasons why I suggest you to cut him some slack are two :
- his age, if he's in your age range he is still basically a kid, very hormonal, not that he CAN'T control himself, but, poor kid, let's try to make things a bit easier for him ...
- you are not being totally fair to him. I understand that what's happening to you it's not your fault, but neither is his - if a relationship can't find a compromise to fulfill both partner's need, I think it needs to end, or at yleast to be put on hold for the duration.
You , basically, are taking a sabbatical from sex .. till further notice ( and not for a few weeks - sorry I took it so literally, LOL ) to stay inside your head, - that may be therapy, I don't argue that, but it's not coupledom ,and it may be days, it may be months or years, who knows.
In other words, for no fault of yours , agreed, still you are not able to provide a full , wholesome relationship, in which physical and emotional are two faces of the same coin.
I think he is being a very good sport and very supportive if he accepted that. But I think that ... perhaps you should not even have asked, not even have put him in this kind of situation, if you knew you have these problems, with these consequences. If you know you may feel intimacy like a pressure and an obligation, instead that that comfort and enrichment and HELP that it should be... then do not bring sexual intimacy into the relationship to begin with, you know what I mean ?
So, if you expect him to be understanding and patient and selfless in this difficult predicament - well, help things along creating situations where there is little or no sexual pressure for him. I think it's fair :)
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A
female
reader, _strike +, writes (7 December 2012):
_strike is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did talk with him and made sure he understood where I was coming from. I have been seeing a psychologist for years. He actually recommended this kind of behaviour to me as a means to deal with stress - ie; shut everything down and focus on my own mind.
I feel like my question is getting lost in the back story. My boyfriend understands why I don't want to have sex at the moment, but he's having trouble controlling himself. What can we both do to make it easier for him?
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (7 December 2012):
I dont think its anything to do with self control, more to do with the obvious rejection he is feeling. Usually in stressful situations intimacy with a partner is very relaxing and strengthening. This is no so in your case and you see your boyfriend as adding to your stress. You could have tried talking WITH him and maybe he could understand and help rather than telling him what you want. If your current situation is as bad as it sounds then maybe you need to get more help?
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A
female
reader, _strike +, writes (6 December 2012):
_strike is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, why am I doing it. Currently, I live in an extremely stressful and dangerous situation. Last week, something happened regarding this situation which spurred these events. I don't want to go in to a lot of detail, because I feel if I did, it would detract from my actual question, but essentially my home situation causes me to have what I call "black weeks", where I just feel horrible and depressed. Normally, my boyfriend is my only real solace in these weeks, but because of what happened, I was having a particularly bad week. What I explained to my boyfriend that I needed was some time without the extra pressure of intimacy with another so that I could reason the events out in my head and pull myself out of it. I'd liken it to if you have a really bad cold and you don't want to have sex until you get better because you want to focus all your strength on getting better. Considering that my boyfriend knows all about my home situation and how it's making me feel, I assumed he would respect that and place my wellbeing above his sexual desires.When I say "a few weeks", I don't mean a specific time period (possible colloquialism, sorry!). Where I'm from, it just means an unspecified amount of time.Also, MikeEa1, I've always had a higher sex drive than any of my male friends. In my opinion, the whole "women aren't as in to sex" thing is a big misconception!Anyway, hope you all have a better idea of where I'm coming from now.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 December 2012):
"men don't have control" what a crock.
BUT
you can't after nearly a year of active sexual life say "I need to stop having sex to sort things out in my head" that too is a crock.
Either you are a couple or you are not. NOT having sex does not change that.
You do know that often marriage counselors working with couples who are not having sex tell them "NO PHYSICAL CONTACT" at all till our next session in hopes that they will BREAK the rule....
you actually gave him a challenge.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 December 2012):
I think there's a problem with both, his self control and your level of shared intimacy.
Sure he should not grope you, if he accepted no sex for a few weeks, or till further notice, he accepted and should not try to renegotiate the agreement. Ergo, he needs to work on his self control, what part of " no" does he not understand ?
But, yours is a rather bizarre statement. " I'd like to stop having sex for a few weeks until I sort things out, because I was feeling vulnerable ". Well, once you decide having an intimate relationship, that intimacy is part and parcel of the relationship same as the emotional aspect, not just an accessory, a detachable strap that you add on or take off. Of course that does not mean that you are supposed to be at your partner's sexual beck and call, not at all. There may be moments or days when you don't feel in the mood. There may be periods of time , even extended, when you feel physically ill, or tired, or depressed and your sexual desire dwindles or wanes. But I can't say I 've ever heard of anybody in a couple PLANNING, "OK, now we won't have sex for 4 or 6 or 8 weeks, then we can start again." It's, I don't know, strange ,and also makes me wonder if you have a happy, healthy relationship with your own sexuality. Or if there are big troubles in your relationship.
Otherwise, sexuality is something healthy, integrated in your way of being, it does not make you vulnerable, it does not messes up with your head, it something natural- like talking or walking, it is a part of what you do, some weeks more , some weeks less, some weeks not at all... yet I still have to hear somebody announcing, OK, now I am not going to walk or talk for 6 weeks while I sort some things out then I'll start again " .What would the purpose be ?
How can you know that next week you won't be at your horniest ever , and why should you restrain yourself if you are ? What that would accomplish ?..... Or, do you mean that you don't feel like having sex and your sex drive went AWOL - then why not researching the physical or psychological causes, rather then putting a " few weeks " moratory ? What happens if in few weeks your desire does not come back ?
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (6 December 2012):
 I'd be shocked if you were my girlfriend. Its not about self control. Its about an assumed level of intimacy. And if you're are backing off from the original arrangement then no wonder he is confused. why are you doing this. I understand women aren't as into sex as men but I find it hard to believe the issue is about self control.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): Plenty of young men have self-control. But the young men without it are usually more popular & successful with young women.
Do you want to be part of the solution or part of the problem?
Demand self control from your BF. If he won't exercise it then DUMP HIM and go invest your relationship & sex life into some other young man who does.
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