A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What do I do? i love him so much but i'm so lost and hurt. I found out recently my bf has been sleeping with one of his friends since we got together and then found out he recently had a threesome with two of his other female friends. That and is still sleeping with one of them and asked her to be his bi gf through text the other night while we were in the car together, all three of us. He still treats me like his gf and takes me places and spends money one me and asks me to go to special events with him. That or to go meet his family or visit them. What do I do? What does this mean?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 You aren't the one giving up you know. You have done what you could to make this a good relationship. He is the one who gave up on it all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI intend to kick him to the curb. I will uphold my agreement to him though that if we did ever decide to leave the other we would sit each other down and talk about it and leave instead of just up and vanish. I know he has issues from being overseas. I hate cutting my ties to him cause it feels like giving up but it is all i have left i can do. To explain the me proving myself was because he doesn't trust women due to his exs all cheating on him. I wonder if that is why he cheats? He thinks it's ok because his exs did it to him and hardened his heart and doesn't think about it hurting people like it did him. I guess I will never know. I think Tisha-1 is right about him please his physical needs instead of his emotional ones. I hope someday he can find a woman that can straighten him out and keep him loyal to one woman, but idk if that will happen. It took his father two broken marriages before this third one, where he cheated in both marriages, to be loyal. This third one is new so I guess we will wait and see. Thank you guys for your advice and support.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Sounds like Madonna and Whore Syndrome - You are the good girl, the nice girl who gets to meet the family, he takes home to mother and he treats you nice and shows you consideration. Your the Madonna. But he also has to have his whores, women who like threesomes, who will sleep with him and not expect anything, not even a phone call or a dinner date. It's all about sex, not talking or feelings. Them are women he wants when he is thinking about raw uncomplicated sex. You the Madonna probably gets to stay at home baking cakes or something.Men like this never change. He will always have other women in his life who he uses for sex. Now I'm not going to tell you to leave him, you don't want to, because to you he is wonderful. But THIS MAN WILL NEVER CHANGE, HE WILL ALWAYS HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE. Some women can handle that, they don't mind this kind of relationship. They get tons of presents and money from the unfaithful man. They get treated so well, and they get to show him off to everybody, and walk arm in arm together at family functions. They don't mind it, they can be deaf, dumb and blind, as long as he comes home to them and keeps pretending to be prince charming.Nice work if you can get it, some say - Get's complicated some times, if he picks up a sexual disease, or some other woman who falls in love and won't leave him alone. Then there is also the chance of pregnancy, you or some other woman who he hardly knows. A lot of the time, the Madonna (that's you) starts to feel dirty and goes off sex, and can't stop the problem from tormenting her and driving her to mental distress. It takes a very strong woman to hide from the truth.Stay if you want to, it's really your choice. But don't try to fool yourself, that you aren't aware of what is going on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just really want to know why he is doing it and what made him start it. It makes no sense cause that isn't the man i met.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 November 2011):
 He should want to make YOU happy. He cares more about making Mr. Willy happy. That's HIS priority list. When you are a bit more secure in yourself and realize you deserve better, you'll understand why we are all telling you he's not likely to change. The kind of change you hope for from him isn't going to happen.
Why is it you need to prove YOU'RE faithful, when he's the one out sleeping with every one? Shouldn't it be the other way around now? All the wishful thinking and hopeful dreaming in the world will not turn him into Mr. Faithful. "Good with kids" is a phrase that can describe many men... some of whom will not also have "thinks only about his penis" as another appropriate phrase.
You have to be your own caretaker and make sure your selection and retention criteria for men are of a high enough standard. Otherwise you wind up with not simply a broken heart, you wind up with some unnecessary STD too.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2011):
 oh OP I hope so and wish you well...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just really want to know why he is doing it and what made him start it. It makes no sense cause that isn't the man i met.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys are right. Thanks for the great advice. Now to put it into action. Either way i seem to be in trouble with it so i might as well let go. Maybe me walking away will get him to understand what he did was wrong and make him feel some remorse.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Last comment for me, you've been given great advice, you know what needs to be done, you just won't do it. But that's on you. It's your choice to stay and get cheated on.
OP, he has shown no remorse for his cheating and continues to do so. Do you HONESTLY think he's going to change for you? A guy has to want to change, your boyfriend has no intentions of changing who he is. You and I both know you're already wasting your time.
A relationship is about give and take. I see you giving and giving while he just keeps on taking. But in reality, he has to give in this relationship too. What is he giving you in return? Where is his loyalty to you? What about making you happy?
You're damned if you do, damned if you don't. So what exactly have you got to lose if you did break up with him? A cheating, disloyal boyfriend. You'll still be hurt if you stayed with him (and continue to hurt because he's not going to change), but if you broke up with him (yeah, you'll still be hurt for awhile) but you'll be able to move on and find a man who will treat you with respect.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): He doesn't really care about you. He does care about himself and is living life selfishly. This isn't living life to the fullest."He didn't apologize to me and said he doesn't regret doing it."He doesn't care what it does to you. Nor does he regret hurting you. Beware of this kind of guy."He doesn't regret doing anything ever."Because he only cares about what he gets and wants, not the effects on others, never mind you."He lives his life to the fullest because he is a soldier and doesn't know when the day will be his last."None of us do. He may be a soldier, but he is far, far, far more likely to get killed in a car accident than anything else, and you are more likely to get killed going to work than he is to get killed or wounded in Afghanistan or anywhere else. My home area is near a military base, we have soldiers all over the place, they get killed all the time in accidents, drinking, drugging, murder, suicide. Many of them come back from deployment with issues, particularly related to their own actions, not enemy action. So don't buy his line of BS, he's using you, pure and simple, and in his mind you simply don't count past the point where he doesn't get what he wants from you.As far as "any day may be his last", a guy attacked me with a knife earlier this year, in broad daylight, in a shopping center parking lot with hundreds of people around, I fought him off and survived that. Why do I mention that?Because I didn't use it as an excuse to go home and fuck over my wife and kids because of it afterwards.That is what he is doing. This tells you the true character of the man you are with, not any of that other stuff.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2011):
and if you sit him down and tell him to "stop cheating or I'm gone" what do you think he will do and how will you respond because to be honest you already gave him a pass by forgiving him more than once and letting him NOT be repentent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really do understand that and no he doesn't have the hall pass to do that. I know i need to sit him down one more time and tell him that he has to change and stop cheating or I'm gone.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (21 November 2011):
So right before my husband deploys for afghanistan he has a hall pass to have threesomes, cheat as much as he wants because he could die the next day? I mean he's just living life to the fullest. See how ridiculous that sounds,OP?
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (21 November 2011):
Go on and cling to a sliver of hope, it's all you have left. But don't be surprised when it nears the end of the year and he hasn't straightened out. I wonder what would it take for you to dump him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't mean to make excuses for him and I have loved him despite his flaws since the beginning. He was a sweet guy when we met and I love watching him with children cause he has the same knack working with them that I do. I know one day he will be an amazing father. I wanted to be the girl to prove that not all women are like all of his ex's and that I wouldn't cheat when he deployed or turned away from me. I wanted to prove that I'm one of the loyal and honest ones and he pulls this. I told him all I want his honesty and loyal and I don't ask for anything I don't give in a relationship. I swelled with pride and joy when i would say that he was mine. He makes me smile and laugh no matter how much we fight but I can't stop hurting cause of this disloyalty to me. Because of his lies i can't trust him anymore even though he says he still loves me and wants to be with me. I guess we are only intended to be friends and nothing more, but it's hard to leave. It hurts to stay and it hurts to leave. I'm lost and in love and wanted to make him happy.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 November 2011):
"He lives his life to the fullest because he is a soldier and doesn't know when the day will be his last." Live life to the fullest, meaning get as much sex as he can with as many women as he can until you wise up and break up with him. Live life to the fullest, ha! That's just a funny way of saying, "I'll do whatever I like with whoever I like, 'cause I'm selfish that way."
"I want to give him till the new year to straighten up but I can't help but wonder if that is too much time." If you are hanging on because you want a date for the holidays, I think you are wasting precious time.
Life IS too short, he's right about that, only life is too short to give lying, cheating, selfish people even one more minute of your time and energy.
Sorry you are in love with that kind of guy, but I'll bet you'll feel a lot better a year from now, assuming you don't replace him with another liar and cheat. There are plenty of guys out there who are not creatively selfish in that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand that. Yes I did think MINE and swell with pride and happiness. I loved him with all his faults in the beginning and even now. I don't want to make excuses for him but I still love him. I know i need to tell him that i expect change or I'm gone. I love the potential in him and I love the man he was when we met. I love watching him work with kids because he has the same knack with them that i do. He really is an amazing man but I don't get why he is doing this. I was prepared to show him that I'm not like everyone of his ex's and cheat on him when he deployed or takes his eyes off of me. I just don't know how to leave him without hurting myself in the process. I leave I'm hurt, I stay I'm hurt IDK what to do. He still makes me smile and laugh when we are together but I just can't stand him sleeping with other women. If she said yes then I'm going to have to get rid of her and him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2011):
THE OP SAID: " I will not be in a polygamous relationship and as far as I know she told him no"
what if she had said yes? then what?
The OP SAID: " He didn't apologize to me and said he doesn't regret doing it."
ok so he's NOT sorry he did it... what does that say about him and how he feels about YOU? and why is this acceptable?
aren't you worth MORE than this emotional abuse?
The OP SAID: " He lives his life to the fullest because he is a soldier and doesn't know when the day will be his last."
my mother died at 58
her sister at 53
their dad and mom both died in their 50s
all died of CANCER...
the one remaining child (my aunt, has had cancer 3 times in her 50s)
one of my cousin's children has already had cancer.
THERE IS A CANCER GENE IN MY FAMILY..
I live every day like I'm dying in 7 years at 58... i would NEVER cheat on or lie to a partner...
that's a crock of shit excuse if I ever heard one.....
he's lying to you
he's cheating on you
you are making excuses for him
what is going to change between now and new years???
how do you expect him to change if he does not know you are expecting him to change?
You say you love him... do you love him as he is now or do you love the potential you see in him? do you love what you NEED and WANT him to be or what he currently is.
when you see him do you think "MINE" and glow with pleasure? I know that my man is a broken piece of work but when I see him I know that I accpet him with all his faults and limitations where he is and my heart swells with love and I think "MINE"..... because HE IS MINE.. I do not worry about him being away from me or lying to me or cheating on me...
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Don't be so naive. Give this soldier his marching orders.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 November 2011):
He is a jerk. If every day could be his last day he sure is spending his time wasting it and becoming a jackass. If each day could be his last day he should be spending his time being the BEST person he could be, and make sure he makes people he love happy, instead of spending as much time as possible being a selfish jerk who treats others badly and hurts the ones he claims to care for.
Him possibly dying tomorrow... as he puts it, is no excuse to be an idiot and a cheater. What a load of bullshit. Tell him to sodd off and find yourself someone who will spend every day for the rest of his life, however short, trying to make you happy! Rather than spending your time with someone who every day tries his best to be the most of an asshat as he can be.
Is he religious? Tell him that when he dies, no matter if he dies young or old, his sins stick with him. Possibly dying young is no excuse for treating others poorly. He is incredibly stupid for thinking it does. I don't see anything lovable with a person who has this outlook on life... "I might die tomorrow so lets fuck as many women as possible and cheat and screw others over while I can!!!". Yes, that is a great idea... truly lovable.
Dump this loser. You love, ok, but you can love someone else. You'll get over him, and you can love someone else who actually deserves it. He doesn't deserve you. Tell him to get lost.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have spoken to him and it usually ends up in an argument or screaming match. What i mean he still treats me like his gf is that he asks me out on dates, and to go meet his family, and to visit the family of his i have already met. He is planning on teaching me to ride a motorcycle and planning a trip out of town to see his grandparents. He still talks about us living together and everything. I know he is cheating on me and I know he knows that I am and I want to leave but I can't I have found that hard. He still comes to go out to dates or talks about how great Christmas will be for us and everything. I will not be in a polygamous relationship and as far as I know she told him no. He didn't apologize to me and said he doesn't regret doing it. He doesn't regret doing anything ever. He lives his life to the fullest because he is a soldier and doesn't know when the day will be his last. He said maybe he did it because it was a now or never chance on the threesome and it was there so he took it, but he is still sleeping with one of them and tells me he isn't. His sister is my best friend and she keeps an eye on him for me. No he doesn't know his friend told me about it and she doesn't want him to know. She is afraid that if he knows he will tell her gf about it when she was pressured into the the threesome in the first place. I want to give him till the new year to straighten up but I can't help but wonder if that is too much time. He doesn't get anything from me anymore since I found this out. I just don't know what to do. I truly do love him and want to be with him, but i can't stand to be hurt anymore. I have told him all I ask for is honesty and loyalty because that is all i give. I give what i want in return.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2011):
"He still treats me like his gf"
explain to me how sleeping with other girls means he still treats you like his gf???
I don't get that.. unless YOU are OK with him being sexual with other girls, it's disrespectful and it's wrong. and if he does it without permission or prior knowledge by you it's lying and cheating...
What do you do?
are you ok with him having a "for show girlfriend" (that would be YOU) AND a BI-gf for sex?
if you are ok with that... go for it.
but i sense you are NOT ok with it... in that case this is a no brainer... either he gives up the other girls or you give up him.
BTW if you opt to have him give up the other girls... will you TRUST him and believe him when he says he has??
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (21 November 2011):
 I'm surprised you have to even ask these questions...
What do you do? You cut all contact with this guy- after you've kicked his ass to the curb.
What does this mean? You got used... unfortunately by someone who has no conscience. Don't blame yourself, you couldn't have seen it coming and you couldn't have done anything to stop it.
Its time to move on and find someone who isn't an disgrace of a man.
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male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (21 November 2011):
You're being cheated on, the relationship is over.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (21 November 2011):
You are some sort of object or play-thing to him. He doesn't care for you or respect you, and your love for him wont make him treat you any better. You need to cut him out and give your love and your heart and body to someone who actually deserves it.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (21 November 2011):
Your boyfriend has been sleeping with one of your friends, had a threesome, asks a bisexual girl to be his girlfriend putting you in a polygamous relationship without your input, and you're still with him why???
He still must think you're oblivious to his cheating. That's why he's still somewhat cheating you like a girlfriend. Because he wants to keep you and have whatever else he can get too. His cheating won't stop, it will continue to go on right under your nose. That is until you put a stop to it and dump his (not) sorry ass.
DUMP HIM, that is what you NEED to do.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 November 2011):
It means he knows you are a pushover and he knows you'll put up with stuff which would get him a swift kick in his arse from a vast majority of girls.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): Im sorry but this is pretty simple. He is cheating on you. Break up with him and keep your respect or accept it and put up with no respect.
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female
reader, questionable2009  +, writes (21 November 2011):
Wow he has the whole cake and is eating it too!!This guy is using you. For whatever reason, I dont know. But some possibilities is that he has a 'girlfriend' in front of family so they dont know of his sleeping around, you're convenient to him - you give him the satisfaction of a girlfriend, but you are still letting him (whether you mean to or not) sleep with other women.What you need to consider is whether this is what YOU want. He will not change. anytime soon anyway. WHat you need to consider is whether you are ok to continue this arrangment. It sounds like hes in an open relationship but youve never actually discussed this or agreed to it.If you don't like it, then walk away. With your head high because youve done nothing wrong. It's just time to move on and wait for someone who has the time for you. and only you!If you are happy with this arrangment and accept it will continue then stay as you are. But by you writing this question, im thinking its more the former so just get that courage to walk away now...!
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Hi,I am just as confused as you are? His behavior shows that he's not ready for a serious committed relationship. By him sleeping around with other women, means he doesn't respect you, or care about your feelings. Not sure? Does he knows that you know about the other friend? That you know about the threesome? You mentioned he asked another girl to be his bi girlfriend, while you were in the car together? If a guy wants to introduce you to his family means he's serious about you? Cheating is a deal breaker in a relationship. You cannot trust him again. Cheating, and not having trust, it's impossible to have a healthy, happy relationship. What I don't understand is, why are you allowing him to continue to behave this way? Did he apologie to you?If you are not happy, you need to talk to him. You need to let him know how you feel, and tell him what you expect from him. I know you love him, but if this continue you will only keep getting hurt. Set boundaries, be strong, don't allow him to treat you this way. It's really not fair. Best wishes/ good luck
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