A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Has my ex changed? I broke up with my emotionally abusive ex a year ago, and just talked to him for the first time yesterday. He said he has been seeing a girl, but that it wasn't serious (yet he had sex with her) and that he stil missed me and loved me. One thing I didn't like about our relationship was if he ever did something i didn't like and i wanted to talk about it, he never wanted to talk about it. he just tried to look at the good always. but, to me, that's not being real. So, yesterday we talked about possibly giving it another shot, letting the past be in the past (since he apologized for things). Anyway, when I asked him when he met the girl he has been dating, he wouldn't tell me, saying that he didn't want to talk about it and that it had nothing to do with us, and basically that there was no point in talking about it. He said this time around if he doesn't want to talk about things, then we won't. For this particular situation, he said if he told me stuff about her then in the future i would constantly bring her up and say stuff like "so that was the night u got with her" blah blah blah. I tried to tell him that if he wants something with me again, we need to be honest, and that i like being able to express everything, the good and the bad. I think he said something like how he would maybe eventually tell me things. But i doubt it, and when i tried to bring up specific things from our past that were unpleasant he didn't want to talk about it, he only wanted to talk about the good. I explained that if we talked about them once and for all and solved the issues, then they probably wouldn't come up again. But, i felt like i couldn't even get a word in edge-wise about that. So, is this relationship already doomed to fail? I think it's good to be positive and remember the good things, but real relationships need to be both good and bad, and both partners should be able to express both of those feelings, right?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008): i am currently married to this type fo guy and still hopeful everything will change. i always force him to talk and he calls me controlling! it's always argument when I have to ask questions and he would always tell me that marriage is a blind faith. I have to be blind with what I see and no questions should be asked. Is that possible? does anyone of you agree with him? i wish i am strong enough to say it's over. i have a kid and i want to keep our relationship to keep our family together. i'm sorry if i'm not helping you at all. but just take solace that you are not alone in this world, and that you are lucky you are not married to the guy and that you are not stuck with him.
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (12 October 2008):
 This guy hasn't changed. Its no good saying if we talk about the stuff from the past we wont have to bring it up again. Because in the future when problems arise, he will clam up about stuff again.
You're wasting your time in my opinion. Rekindling a relationship will only work if the reasons you split in the first place, are addressed.
C xxxx
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A
male
reader, Dr. Reality Check +, writes (12 October 2008):
 Ultimately, yes, I think it's doomed to fail. You clearly don't see eye to eye on things and he is not willing to change not talking about things - the reason you give for breaking up in the first place. I think wanting to get back with him is just wishful thinking.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (12 October 2008):
 You sound exactly like me - you need to talk things through and get them straight in your head before you can move on.
I'm going to be honest, I don't think it would work if you got back with your ex. You have too many things you want to discuss with him, and he's not going to do this. All these issues will add up, multiply, and you will constantly be feeling frustrated and pent up.
I've been there, me and my ex broke up, he sounded exactly the same as your ex. We gave it another shot, and he was adamant that he wouldn't be pushed into talking, revealing feelings, etc etc. So I would sit there feeling like I was on eggshells, had to be perfect, couldn't bring up anything that might lead to an arguement, couldn't speak my mind, felt like I was trying to be someone else, so I walked away in the end. I couldn't see a future like that.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (12 October 2008):
 I think you are 100% right and all parts of relationships need to be discussed if one party isn't happy with something. As you say if something is discussed to each others entire satisfaction and parties accept that they are going to hear things that they don't like it is not likely that the subject will be raised again as you have covered it all. These problems only seem to arise where one party wants to know more about some issue and the other side won't tell you so it becomes bigger than it needs to be and the party who won't share then starts calling you controlling. Personally I would always rather know everything even if it is bad because then I can deal with it. To be really honest i don't think this guy has changed at all. He obviously loves you and has missed you but it sounds like the relationship will return to exactly how it was very quickly. He has demonstrated over the phone that he has no intention of talking about things he doesn't want to which appears to be the thing that matters to you most of all. This relationship isn't necessarily doomed to failure but unless he opens up and gives you answers his behaviour is going to rankle which will cause long term bitterness on your side. I would call him or meet and reiterate to him yet again what you were unhappy with when you first went out and that you need assurances that this is not going to happen again. You sound like a very mature woman who is very well balanced so I am sure you can sort this out. All the best,
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