A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So the holidays are fastly approaching and I am dreading every minute of it. My husband and I have been together for 18 yrs now and it is now over. We decided a few weeks ago that he needed to leave after the holiday (only stayed cause of our 3 kids). We have been having problems for a couple of years but he can't seem to find what he wants anymore. The day we got married he told me that he had no doubt what so ever that this was right. He wasn't nervous or any thing. We have been in counseling for over a year and I have learned that there have been a few times during our marriage that he has questioned whether he was a good father and husband. Also questioned himself if he should stay married to me. THese last couple years he has made more and more female friends, ones I have never met or even been told about. Alot of texting and emailing. A couple of them he works out with at the gym and has invited out to breakfast. I don't think he has physically cheated on me but the texting has crossed the line a few times and he has lied so much about it all. I have lost trust in him and in turn for that he is mad at me. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with his friendships cause there is nothing physical going on. These last few months I have heard more and more that he doesn't know what he wants. Part of him wants to stay and part of him wants to leave. So I had to make a decision and told him he has to leave. For someone that was so sure he did the right thing in the beginning it's hard to believe he can't make a decision now when everything is on the line. Even after everything we have been through these last couple years I still love him and attracted to him. I would never have thought we would be going through this but we are. Now how do I get thru the holidays knowing whats about to happen after? I am second questing my decision to let him stay for the holidays for the kids. How do I walk away from all that we had and move on? I don't know if I have the strength to do it.
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cheated on me, move on, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2011): Now he's gone it will seem daunting, but at least you know where you stand.
The children will be the hardest part, you need to gather support from family and friends and make sure they are in a regular routine regarding the Dad. So they know when access is and he has to fit round their schedules not vica verca.
You will cope, now he's gone it'l be easier for you. As for being nervous alone at night - that'll pass...I stopped watching all scary movies till I got used to it!
Good luck x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: He moved out the other night. I am now trying to pull together my life and get things stable for my kids and I. Thank you all for everything. THe first night alone was a nightmare. I only have my son (youngest son) this week as my girls are with family for the vacation week. I totally broke down. Last night my son went to a friends house for the night and my husband and I went out to dinner to set certain things in order it was a bad night and when he left I was more nervous being alone in the house than I was about him being gone. I don't know if this is shock or just strength only time will tell.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't thank you enough for your support. I am going to try and get thru the next dew days and enjoy the holiday with the kids. I will keep you posted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): He is now making ME angry! How arrogant he sounds as he plays with your lives and emotions.
Look, somebody has to make the long-term choice here and it doesn't sound like he is going to, he will probably string you along until he's got someplace else to go.
You have to stick to your guns, after the holiday he should go, and you can then move on instead of waiting indefinately, in limbo, until Sir has made up his mind!
Is he really that clueless as to what he's doing to your mind?
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female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (20 December 2011):
 oh hun :(
you might not like what I have to say... but nevertheless.
I would be treating the separation as full and final. You have to be treating it as if your going it alone for the sake of your kids... they dont deserve to live in limbo either.
Give yourself a deadline, of when you will be still willing for him to come and discuss a reconciliation (3mo, 6mo, 12mo whatever you feel is right). If he sorts himself out in that time and realises just what he is missing out on then great, you can both begin to rebuild your life together. That doesnt mean he moves back in immediatly, but that you both work on your relationship before finally deciding its what you both want. Sometimes its the partner who was left behind who decides that life is much better without their absent spouse - stranger things have happened!
Regardless of whether you reconcile or not, you need to begin life as if your separating forever. Your kids need stability, routine, and so do you (its a huge coping strategy that works). It wont do anyone good being wishy washy over the details, they need ironing out now.
He cant fook off for 6mo, not support his family, not see his kids and expect to pop in for dinner and pretend everythings rosy at the end of it. Neither can he pop into and out of YOUR home whenever the mood strikes.
The boundaries need to be set. If your separating, then by definition you need to be separate. He cant sort out what he wants if he is still clinging to what he had.
I hope he comes to his senses, but some time apart is probably the only thing that will make him realise that.
You know there are some really good positive things to being a single parent. You will find out that you are an amazingly strong and courageous person. Assuming he takes his share of looking after the kids - you will have much more free time than you did before!. You will realise that you DONT need him!!! - I dont mean that you wont want him, but you will realise that you can manage very well thanks without him, and even if you reconcile he will never ever take you and your children for granted again.
The time apart will also give you chance to evaluate the relationship. You can examin your feelings about his emotional affaires with other women, examin your feelings about him and what led to it all going pear shaped. Its breathing space for you both... the thing is you need to strive forward as if the split is permanent. I dont mean going out and picking up another guy. I just mean creating a stable home for you and your kids, with a structured routine for their contact with dad, and a structure to your financial support.
Its bloody scary going it alone, and it feels overwhelming right now but you will do it, and do it well! xxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again! Your responses are greatly appreciated. Blue you are right there is so much going thru my head that I don't even know where to start. I haven't had a chance to talk to my town yet to see what there is for programs cause the woman is on vacation thru the first of the year. I have never been a very outgoing person so all of my friends are the ones we have made together. We talked a little this morning and it got no where. With his work schedule we don't see much of each other. He did say that his plan for the separation is that he will be able to decide what it is he wants and then work all this out. I just don't see how with him always looking at what he can't have instead of what he does have. I don't know what to expect. Do I go alone as if it is over or do I wait to see what happens? From what he is expecting I feel like I am still living in limbo? He gets mad at me when I tell him that I am hurt and not looking to celebrate the holiday cause I don't want to celebrate the end of my marriage. He gets angry that I am looking at this separation as the end. How am I supose to be looking at it?
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (20 December 2011):
I think your right about not pulling the children from school - at least in the early months following the separation. They are going to need their support system and the familiarity of friends and teachers they trust.
It does sound like alot of the responsibility for organising the dynamics of the separation are going to fall on you... but what that really means is that YOU have to MAKE him sit down to discuss things. Arrange for the kids to have a sleepover at friends, and then he has no escape. If he still wont commit to any sort of arrangement then you will have to organise one. Write one down and give it to him, a timetable type thing for when he will be seeing the children and when (and how much) financial support he will need to give.
Has he found somewhere to live?, can you afford to stay in your home? Have you contacted the relevent agencies to see if there is some financial support you can claim while things settle down. At the end of the day you two are now separated (even though he is still living in the family home), and its time to get your ducks in a row. I know its hard but you owe this to yourself and your children, noone else can do this for you.
Have you any other support around? I know you mention your family live far away, but what about friends? If not, then look into a single parent support group in your local area.
I know when you sit down at night, there seems to be a mountain of things to organise, do and sort. That mountain seems unsurmmountable right now but it is absoloutly do-able.
Write a list, and choose 5 things a day to sort out. I know times are limited with it being the holidays, which is why you must act now.
Give your husband his copy of the list with HIS responsibilities on it. Make sure you are firm in your deadlines about when he must have found somewhere to live, when (and how much) maintenance you can expect, and when he will be expected to have access to the children. I suspect that seeing it in black and white is what will stir him into action about speaking up finally about how he wants things to go.
Now go make that list!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Once you start taking concrete action, you will find more strength. Don't worry, it will happen. You will figure it out as you go. But the longer you sit and hesitate and ruminate, the more you are holding yourself back with fear.
now is the time to reach out to others for support. Talk to your friends and family who have been through divorces. it will be OK, don't worry.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): "So I had to make a decision and told him he has to leave."
Not a wrong decision, neither was the decision to let him stay for the holidays, there is not right or wrong decision at this point, just the struggle to make it a tolerable for everyone (yourself included) as you can.
"They are 11, 12, & 16. They fight constantly with each other verbally and physically."
This is normal at this age, but you must keep it non-physical. But, this is very traumatic for kids. They also will need help, from youngest to oldest, this is very difficult for kids and they have been affected by this as much as you have, probably more but it isn't as visible as the effects it has on the spouse.
"He doesn't think there is anything wrong with his friendships cause there is nothing physical going on."
He knows better, and he's lying to you. He's seeing other women behind your back, and whether there is sex or not, he is devoting time and attention to them that should be going to his wife and children.
I'd suggest a book, the first one is probably better, but both are good. The first one is better because it helps you when you are the only one working on things and are having to do this alone.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801X
http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174
Get professional counseling help for everyone in the family if you can afford it, expensive, but find someone that you can work with. The kids will need it, even if they don't see it, because they need to see how much and how hard you are working to make things right for them, even if they don't appreciate it now. They will appreciate it in the future, 10 or more years down the road.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): I would be strong enough. If you have given him the time to prove himself even after the counceling and nothing has changed then most likely your marriage is dead in the water. Everyone usually knows, staying for your three kids is a huge mistake. Some statistics state children are better off with a two parent home. The percentage is usually based on certain criteria. Most of the time children(kids)are highly ruined because of this. Statistics share having a single prospect with an individual parents means child will grow up with a high percentage of negative parenting. This is not true. I know many single mothers that have raised revolved.and inspired to be the best in anything and everything in life. I would settle in a marriage if there is no longer any trust,sparks,or dishonesty in a marriage. Waiting for holidays is a bad decision. Do you have a house together if so make him leave. If not best suggestion is go live with a friend or family. Never settle for a husband who has many female friends and has already got caught with fibbing about where he's at. My suggestion as a women and a mother have some dignity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for responses. I am trying to put together a plan before we talk to the kids but he is in this rut fo "we will figure it out" or "we will talk" but never follows thru. I have a feeling its going to fall on me. I believe my kids know that it is coming especially my oldest. I have no family here where we live so until the school year is over it is going to be a real struggle. The biggest struggle is trying to decide if moving back home is the best thing for us. Suport wise I believe it is but would be hard for them to see Dad as he is a corrections officers who works a lot of hours. Finanically it is not a good move cause my home town is expensive. With my kids at the ages they are I hate to pull them away from their school and friends. There is so much going thru my mind and so much of it I have no idea how to handle. I just never expected my life to be where it is today. Thank you again for your responses.
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A
female
reader, madlib +, writes (19 December 2011):
Let him go...often in this society we hold on to things out of fear of loneliness/finances/security/routine...really it is a sign that our own self esteem has diminished and we no longer have confidence in ourselves that we are beautiful enough, strong enough, sexy enough..etc. We come in to this world alone and we leave it alone-that is part of life. The experience is living in the now and it sounds like in your heart you know this isn't right for you or him. You are holding on to something that no longer exists and his struggle is his own guilt of letting go. That doesn't sound like a positive environment for anyone, no you, him or your kids. Nothing last forever-whether that is a partner or being single, but everything happens for a reason
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female
reader, bluecow +, writes (19 December 2011):
you have the strength because you have to have it.
Its not easy... actually its amongst the hardest things I have ever had to do... but you do survive. I dont know where the strength comes from, but its there... it just means that you will crumple sometimes, and thats ok too.
What I suggest you do now is sort out your support network. Get your family, friends and everyone you know who you can rely on in the loop. You are going to need them in the coming months.
Speak to your doctor and explain whats going on at home. You might not need it yet, but if depression does strike you will already have made the first step to getting better and know you have support for it should you need it.
Speak to your childrens school, ask them for any suggestions and support to help you overcome your childrens behaviour and emotions whilst everything settles down. Hopefully they will be understanding and ensure your kids have someone they can trust and go to if they have any worries. By keeping them and you in the loop things can be alot smoother.
Your kids are going to be alternatly angry, scared and hurt. Keep a diary of their behaviours, outbursts, worries and fears... along with all the GREAT things they have done (even if its tiny - like hanging their coat up when they come in from outside), put your feelings about those behaviours and actions in the diary.
Have a plan with your husband about what, how and when your going to explain your separation to your kids. Some tips here are to explain and constantly emphasis that the reason for the break up is NOTHING to do with them, and that mum n dad still love them just as much. Explain that families come in all shapes and sizes and that theyre still a family. They are part of a family, their family is NOT broken, its just changed shape. Do not overwhelm them with detailed information that is inappropriate. Keep things concise without getting into a "he/she's to blame" scenario.
They also need to understand that nothing that they do will CHANGE the situation, so acting out is NOT going to be tolerated.
Have a chat with your husband about how your both going to handle discipline with the children. If the kids know your talking about their behaviour and "singing from the same hymn sheet" they are less likely to try to play one off against the other.
There are loads and loads of books out there to help teens understand and deal with divorce. Pop to the bookshop and have a look at a few before deciding which is the best. Have a few at hand for when the kids are having trouble.
Try to have your childrens access arrangements sorted BEFORE talking to the kids. If they know what the new routine will be right from the beginning it means there is one less stress for you all. If they know they will be seeing dad every weekend, then make sure he does, at least in the early weeks. Routines can change, but try to be regimental in the early days.
Those same routines need to be set in place at home early too. So the kids need to know where they stand with this new family shift. You are likely to be doing the lions share, which means (due to their ages) that the kids will need to do more to help out. Setting those things in place now rather than later will help the transition.
I'm so sorry your having to go through all this. Get your support network in place now, and do do keep in touch. xxx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 December 2011):
 I can't imagine being in your shoes. I'm so sorry. He sounds like he is having a huge midlife-crisis honestly and I DO think you are doing the right thing in both "letting" him stay for the holiday and asking him to leave asap afterwards.
You are not the one walking away, he is. He did it a long time ago mentally and now he needs to do it physically.
It's also time for you to FORGIVE yourself. It's not you fault that he's feeling all these things. His insecurities are his. I would guess you have done your best to support him throughout the marriage.
Sit him down (when the kids are in bed or not home) and set some rules for his exodus. Then get your ducks in a row. Figure out the financial side of a possible divorce. Can you afford to stay in the house? How much approx. would you receive for child support and so forth.
If you two separate, have a deadline (if you have any intentions of "letting" him come back to the marriage) and stick to it.
After that, you need to focus on YOU and the kids. He will have to be on his own and figure out his own problems/issues.
Since you know he is moving out soon, stop checking his phone for texts, ignore it. Let yourself separate from him as he has from you.
Try and have a decent holiday with the kids, if he can't figure out how to do that, it's his loss.
Chin up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't mention the problems I am harding with my chrildrens behavior. They are 11, 12, & 16. They fight constantly with each other verbally and physically. The other day it got so bad I just walked out of the house and went shopping. It's out of control and they have no respect for me. So on top of dealing with my feeling about their father and trying to figure out how I am going to move forward without him in my life I have to deal with their behavior issues. This is going to be such a challenge that I am not sure I am strong enough to handle.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): Don't you just love the holidays. I think its generous of you to let him stay till after the holidays,that said, I do think its the right choice,for the childrens sake.
I know you will be just putting on a front, and that he probably doesn't deserve this wait. However after the hols he must pack his bags, maybe the actual physical moving out will bring him to his senses.
He's messed you about with his lethargy, he's been behaving like he's single almost. He may not have crossed the line but I bet it wouldn't take too much for him to.
Yes, it is scary when you have to be alone after years of marriage, its hard work,you have the children on top of yourself and all the other stuff. But, many have done it and survived.I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does you will find the strength to cope.
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