A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a confusing situation and I think I have to write out the whole scenario so I can get advice about what to do, but basically... I was with my ex for a long time, we were each others firsts and we had a happy healthy relationship. At this time, his best friend (they're so close, they're more like brothers) was also in a long relationship. Both relationships ended at the same time, about eight months or so ago. I used to be really morally uptight and I'd never dream of doing this, but somehow me and the ex's best friend ended up falling into bed together about five days ago. I now really like him, he's so honest and easy to get on with. I'm not sure what he feels towards me, I haven't asked him because I don't want to be too forward and I've already told him that if he has any common sense, he'll leave me alone and leave his friendship with my ex intact. It's not really what I want, but I can't let myself be any more selfish than I've already been. He agreed, but we still text and we ended up getting together again after. I honestly don't know what to do or say. I don't know whether to put my own feelings first and go for it, or put their friendship first and leave before it gets irreparable. I also don't know if he likes me back or not or if it's just the sex he likes. He admitted the first time was down to sex, but he didn't say anything else and the second time, he seemed really... Romantic. He also seems happy texting me all the time, and it doesn't make sense he'd risk his friendship for nothing? I don't know. I don't know what to do about telling my ex - He is super super jealous and paranoid and he'd never talk to me or the friend ever again if he knew. That is, if it didn't just turn plain violent. But, I'm not his property and we already gave it a go?I was really happy being single but now this guy is tangled up in my life, I kinda don't want him to leave just yet. I don't know if the idea of being together would be scary for him though, maybe he's fine with having sex so long as it's all secretive? Also, his family know everything and give him hell for it. They probably hate me. Please help! Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): I totally agree with the other answers that you're not his girlfriend or property anymore!He cannot say or do anything. If you and this guy were to get together if your ex was a good friend he would be happy for him regardless of you being an ex from 8 months ago.
Families always judge as they hate to see the one's they love in pain but you have to grin and bare it as you can't always make everyone happy otherwise you in turn won't be.
I think the real focus is whether you and the best friend are going to become anything. It will be hard at first but like the others have said it was 8 months ago now he has no rights. Concentrate on whether his best friend does see you as anything more than just sex and suggest a date if you do like him. Establish this before overanalysing of the friendship of those two. As the only person with the issue is your ex.
Surely if it was that much of a big deal the bestfriend would be feeling this guilt and burden not you?
Good luck
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (31 March 2011):
Let's get some things straight here:
- the relationship between you and your ex ended 8 months ago
- you are not you're ex's girlfriend anymore, which means:
- you are not his property
- it is not up to him to decide what you do with your life and who you sleep/fall in love with
- it is not up to him to decide who his friend sleeps/falls in love with, especially not after 8 months of you two being separated.
- Everyone deals with heartbreak in their own way, but after 8 months he shouldn't expect to have a say in what you do with your life and I daresay he doesn't have the right to be angry with whatever choice you make. The choice of his best friend is another matter, but even there I would say a good friend wouldn't force his unresolved issues onto his best friend.
You're free now, do as you wish. If you two end up falling for eachother, he will have to swallow it. The only thing you need to consider if it's worth the social strain. Your ex might want to end the friendship with his best friend over it, but that's their problem, not yours. His family might judge you for it, but that's their problem. If you can live with it, go ahead. If your moral code says you can't, bow out before you get too close to this guy. If he bows out because he doesn't want to spoil the friendship, respect the decision (which I know you will).
But whatever you do, do not do it because of you're ex's violent nature. Because that would mean he still has power over you. Be an independent woman, but be a responsible one. Weigh everything carefully and listen to your heart.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (31 March 2011):
 Wow tough one!!
There is no law against sleeping with your ex friend and it's been 8 months, not like you were in the sack the day after the break up or anything. That said you probably don't want to come out of this looking like the scarlett woman and to really make things work you have some huge obstacles to over come namely your ex, the new guys family and just finding out if he feels the same way. Finding out how he feels is probably what you need to do first, no point upsetting everyone if he's just using you for sex and definitely not worth upsetting yourself.
Talk to him and ask him what he thinks. If he is honest and wants a relationship with you then you can both tackle his family and your ex. If he doesn't seem keen then I think you'd be a very smart girl for backing off and going back to your happy single life.
Let us know how it goes.
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