A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years, we have been engaged for 6. We do not live together, in fact we only get to see each other maybe once or twice a week because of his work schedule. I love him so much and he says the same. But we have no wedding date set and there always seems to be an excuse why we cant set a date. My family does not welcome him here anymore, and I get the cold shoulder from his family as well. We have a great time together and he is very thoughtful I just dont understand why he wont set a date or even talk about getting a house/apartment anything! Its like once I got the ring (which is perfect) he was content. No plans for the future, just day by day. We both have great jobs and can support ourselves since we each live with our parents and have saved. (we are both in our mid-late 30's) neither one of us have been married. Anyone have any ideas? I dont want to fight with him anymore about this, just want to see what others think. My friends and family say to "move on" but cant imagine life without him.
View related questions:
engaged, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (30 August 2011):
Fighting about getting married isn't likely to make a man want more to marry you. if a man only marries you under duress, it probably won't be a happy marriage.
One option is to just enjoy what you do have in this relationship, and let go of the plan to get married. Maybe in time his feelings will change. Right now if you've been fighting about it, it's unlikely his feelings will change rather it's more likely to be the opposite because people get entrenched in polarized positions from fighting about an issue a lot. But if you stop fighting about it and just let things be, just focus on building your relationship with each other without pressure of marriage, that will increase the possibility that he may some day want to marry you. But there are no guarantees, it could be another 10 years before he finally feels like getting married to you. But maybe if your relationship is otherwise good, what's wrong with just enjoying each other the way you are now. Why the push to get the marriage certificate?
But you are not wrong for wanting marriage, if that's what you want, then it is what you want. Certainly if you have always talked about getting married and having your own biological kids, there's a time limit on when this can happen and it's approaching fast. so you should tell that to him, if you haven't already. But he does have the right to say no and that he's changed his mind. Even if he had told you years ago that he would marry you and have kids with you, people can and do have a change of heart. If he doesn't want that anymore, even though he may have promised that, then let him go rather than holding him to his promise.
Since it's been 9 years, it doesnt' look like he wants to marry you. so if you do want marriage and kids, more than you want to be with him and share his company the way you have now, then I think you should leave him and start looking for someone new who wants the same things from life as you.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 What Tisha said...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): "I just dont understand why he wont set a date or even talk about getting a house/apartment anything!"
BECAUSE it's not a priority for him... YOU'RE not a priority.
"Its like once I got the ring (which is perfect) he was content. No plans for the future, just day by day."
YEP... Why make plans, he's HAPPY this way! Why complicate life?
I'd quit taking his calls and see what happens. Odds are good he'll go quietly into the night and then you'll see just home important you really were to him...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): Sounds like your family has figured something you haven't yet. No marriage, no children...together for 9 years?
You're not the one for him. Watch, as soon as you two break up, he'll be married within 2/3 years to someone else.
His actions speak volumes (or the lack of in this case). So, the question here is - why are you ok with it? Don't you want a marriage and children?
You're wasting your time here. Set a date ASAP. If he can't commit to it, walk away.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 August 2011):
 Sounds like he's just not able to make that commitment to you. Maybe there's some legal entanglement in his past he hasn't told you about, like a youthful marriage?
I personally would have been gone 5 years ago, one year after the ring was produced, if he wasn't able to actually fulfill his promise to you, which the engagement ring symbolizes.
The question really is, why are you tolerating this?
...............................
A
male
reader, HelpyMcHelperson  +, writes (29 August 2011):
I agree with your parents, he doesn't seem to be that interested in actually setting a date and it looks like he is just stringing you along so that he can have you around for when it suits him.
I could be wrong but if I don't see how someone who was genuinely invested in the relationship could string you along like this.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Why would you have to fight with him about this? He asked you to marry him...if that were a true feeling on his part, he would have done it by now. Trust me. When a man truly loves a WOMAN, he can't wait to spend the rest of his life with her. nothing can stop him. he wants her all to himself. I'm sorry sweetheart, but it sounds like either he doesn't love you or he doesn't really want to be married. Either of those choices, for your hopes and what you expect from life, aren't good.He shouldn't lead you on, and make you happy just by giving you the hope of marriage. Your family loves you, and sometimes we can't really see the faults in the person we love, because we are so wrapped up in their BS. Do you really think your family would give you bad advice?He is just wasting your time sweet. I think you have been more than patient. Tell him you want to be married in X number of months. If he says no, then you know where his heart truly lies. It's as simple as that. No matter what he tells you, it's as simple as that. Wouldn't it be that simple for you? If the situation were reversed?
...............................
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (29 August 2011):
 If you won't take your family's and friend's advise, you certainly will not take ours. Your family knows your situation far better than any of us. If you cannot imagine life without him, you will have to settle for the life that you have with him - one where you two are living separately without marriage. Are you willing to do that?He won't live with you or marry you because he doesn't want to. It really is that plain and simple. After 3 years, he gave you a sense of security with the engagement ring, but in reality, it was not a promise he intended to fulfill. If you two have your finances in place, there shouldn't be a reason to stall for 6 years. Your situation reminds me of my fiance's sister. She has been with her significant other for 7 years, both have great jobs, but he is against the notion of living together and marriage. Why? Because he is a selfish and set in his way of life. And since she doesn't have the backbone to leave and seek a better life for herself, she will be stuck with that loser, until he decided to ditch her one day.
...............................
A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (29 August 2011):
 You're going to have to figure out if you love him enough to stay in this arrangement. Since you've already talked to him about this and have gotten nowhere, then that's pretty much all that you can do besides leave him. A 6-year engagement is really too much, especially when there are no setbacks. I think your boyfriend is very comfortable and doesn't realize or refuses to acknowledge that you're tired of waiting. Do you know if he may have some doubts about marriage or marrying you? If so, then talk to him one more time. But if not, then you shouldn't waste anymore time on this guy if you don't want to wait for marriage. You may love him, but if he loved you, he would find a way for you two to agree on this and for you to be happy.
...............................
A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (29 August 2011):
 9 years together is a very long time. And for someone to say just move on, would be a very difficult thing to do. But because you've been engaged for 6 of those years, it's something you should definitely consider. I think what you should do is have a long talk with him. Express to him how you feel about the whole engagement thing- and you'd like to live together and at some point get married. Tell him you how you feel things are at a stand-still, and you need to know what it's going to take for you two to take the next step. Try to get him to come up with a date to get married or even to move in together. If he isn't willing to give you an answer, then you have to decide if you're willing to potentially wait another year, 2 years, or maybe more than 3 for a decision. If you don't want to wait, then I think it would be best for you to work on getting out of the relationship. And if you still want him in your life, maybe you would be better off as friends. Hope this helps.
...............................
|
