A
female
age
,
*tthebrink
writes:My husband is driving me crazy. We have been married for almost 20 years - when we first married he insisted that we live close to his parents who constantly meddled and controlled him making my life miserable. They had 24 hour access to our house and yard and they made full use of it. After many years from verbal abuse and living in a virtual jail, earlier this year I decided to move out to a rental home. He followed and now he just does nothing - he works and watched TV and sleeps. When I complain he says that I made him leave his good home and come here. I am so tired of this. It seems as though he is being wicked on purpose. He contributes financially but if there are extra expenses like medical bills and school expenses he does not. He says what he gives is enough. On my birthday this year he spent the day running errands for his mother. Even though he is miles away and all his brothers and sisters live near to her - she still calls.He is also very disrespectful to me. He constantly ogles women including my co-workers and the female neighbours. If I continue I go go on for hours so I'll stop here. Any advice?
View related questions:
co-worker, neighbour Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, atthebrink +, writes (1 December 2011):
atthebrink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell it is now some months later - I am in a deeper financial bind - he is still not supportive and trying to talk to him only brings an argument.He says that he just wants some peace and that I should leave him alone. To be honest I am so exhausted with trying to make ends meet that at this point I couldn't care less.I haven't gone out in over a year - I haven't bought any clothes since I can't remember when - I just work and all the money gets spent on rent and bills and he still contributes just what he thinks he shouldEven though I just had to deal with a pay cut at work and he makes twice what I do he still gives less than half of what is need to pay rent and bills. Recently he has started spending weekends at our old house close to his parents. He says he wants to renovate and make it secure and private for us but if his parents and family can't come neither can mine. We could live there but he will rent an apartment - he apparently has located one already.To be honest I just wish that I could make enough money to support myself and my children so that he could go.
A
female
reader, atthebrink +, writes (31 August 2011):
atthebrink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone who posted answers to my question. To rile962 I did look up narcissism and it shed spo much light onthe situation.
I see clearly that my MIL is narcissistic and somehow she has managed to pit all her children against each other to compete for her attentions.
My god - and this is still happening.
Thank you all so much - for a while there I thought I was crazy and that I shouldn't complain but try to be content.
I can't believe how much time I've lost trying to deal with this.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (30 August 2011):
 It sounds like your husband is using his lack of communication with you as a weapon. I think it is covering his hurt and resentment in having to pick you over his parents.
When a man takes a wife, his wife becomes the #1 person in his life. While he needs to care for his parents and respect them, he needs to make sure that his parents are separate and do not interfere with his homelife. Failure to take a stand against controlling parents like this will cause strife (unless the wife enjoys the parents just as much as he does).
To rectify your situation, I think you need to thank your husband for taking your side. Tell him how much you appreciate it and how much better your life is. Make him feel like he made the right decision. Tell him this housing situation that you are currently in is temporary and that when it is possible, you'd like to get a real home where you can be a couple, with the privacy you deserve.
It is also important that you tell him that you miss the old him and that you are worried that you are coming between he and his parents.
I think you are going to have coax him a long to get him out of this funk. Additionally, you may want to consider going on vacation together so that you can reconnect. If it is financially possible, you may also want to investigate couple's therapy, just so you can communicate with one another in a controlled environment.
Finally, be kind to one another. It can be tough, but don't let 20 years of marriage go down the toilet without a fight.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (29 August 2011):
 I almost felt like I was reading a page out of my own journal! With one exception-I divorced my Mama's Boy.
As long as they can take advantage of you-they will. But, this really is not a IN-LAW problem, this is a husband problem.
He told you from the start he intended to live near his parents. He may have never intended to have his own life apart from them, but he also has little regard for you.
If he will not go to counseling to work on his co-dependancy, have you thought of changing the locks and sending him back to Mummy?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 August 2011):
 The problem is that moving won't have changed the underlying problem. You just relocated it.
Did you ever see a counselor at all? Or did you just get fed up and move?
Honestly, you have a lot of life yet to enjoy. Maybe you should consider moving further away, to a smaller house that he can't "follow" you to. You could visit him wherever he is every now and again but just tell him it's very trendy to have separate residences.
Seriously, though, moving isn't going to fix his particular problem. I'm not sure anything could but I think you'd have to call in an expert.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): I agree with rile. I too have been reading about narrisistic parents NPD. I have a NPD MIL. Give him
a ultamatum with boundries.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Did you know that your husband was a momma's boy when you met him? Suggest that he is sleeping with you not them so it is you that he has to please not moma. I would start calling him a momma's boy and maybe that will make him self aware? Tell him you want to be with a grown up man and that if he still needs his moma teet he can move back in now. Act like it is no big deal to you. My DH does the same thing to me. Guilt trips me into thinking I am the bad one for making him move across the country and that it was all my fault. He had a choice to move and he took it. He didn't need to do it but that is what he chose. I would move again only farther away...see if your puppy dog DH follows then.
...............................
A
female
reader, rile962 +, writes (29 August 2011):
I've been researching narcissism lately, so I see narcissists everywhere. Despite that, what you're describing sounds like you're being victimized by a family of narcissists. There's lots of info about it online, so look into it and see if you find anything that seems familiar or matches what you're going through. Those sites will also have information on how to deal with narcissists. I'm sorry for your pain as I was married to a man for 20 years who was so in love with his parents that he didn't have room for me in his heart. Now he has his mom but not me (his father passed away a couple years ago). Good for him! He's welcome to her, and I'm glad I'm out. We have a civil relationship because of our children, but you couldn't pay me enough money to ever consider being married to him again. Good luck and best wishes.
...............................
|
