A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My sister who's 28 told me that she's been dating this guy since November (when lockdown had well ended by then, but Plan B was in the news) and that he's married but had been in the process of divorcing his wife since September yet she refuses to sign the papers, even though they live 70 miles apart now, him in Nottingham, his wife moved to Northampton!His wife's been insisting "We must stay together for the kid and marriage is about sickness and in health" but he wants a divorce due to extremely abusive, aggressive behaviour and newfound being high behaviour.He's divorcing his wife due to abusive behaviour and being high constantly and aggressive.I should add, my sister has Asperger's Syndrome and she's only known it since she was 14, when she was diagnosed.He's really rich, and from a local Indian family known for their wealth and investment in the area.He has a 5-year-old daughter.My sister's dated now and then, but not got a great dating history.She wants to move in with him when the ink is dry and he finally gets round to divorcing her.She's quite enthusiastic about that.I think my sister doesn't understand the reality of what it'd be like to move in with someone as she's never done that. She's always lived alone since she was 24.Bills, laundry, dirty underwear, what to have for tea, what to watch on BBC/Netflix or Amazon Prime every night, am I right?I currently live alone, don't have space for my sister, since I live in a small flat and I'm 168 miles away from her, a 3-hour drive, I'm in Cardiff, she's in Nottingham.She's semi-independent but has some support, won't go into the full detail for privacy reasons.I'm worried she doesn't understand what she's getting into.This guy is well-known, OK, not a celebrity, but he's on his business website as the CEO/founder/investor and I'm worried about contacting him out of the blue.I know what the guy looks like as she's sent me WhatsApp of them together.Yes, this is partially "married man with other woman scenario" but I really care about my sister.I am concerned for her wellbeing and wonder if she's taking too much on, especially with this guy who has a young daughter and a second home in Kensington, one of London's richest areas!!My sister was considering moving out from Nottingham and moving in with him and his daughter to Kensington.I think she's probably going to struggle not only with the class differences - legally speaking, she's on benefits for disability as we call it here in the UK, and her boyfriend being extremely rich, fitting in with his friends and group of people, but also being a step-mum as well.Then there's the issue of the ex-wife to consider.I've also got my own problems to contend with; getting back to the office, after 2 years of closure, from March 18 2020 to present, work policy did not allow working from home, but we still got paid nonetheless, and lockdown was depressing for me, especially as I'd only been in Cardiff since Christmas 2018. Add to that stringent Welsh government restrictions and things weren't good.My sister has recognized she needs help, but I can't help her, and I've no experience in being with a married man so cannot discuss that with her, but I can't just help by giving platitudes etc.What would you do if you were in my situation?In reality, what's the best solution to things that would resolve many of the problems?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2022): There are lots of people with aspergers who have never been officially diagnosed. It often runs in families so if one sister has it very often the other does too. And it comes in all shapes and forms, some are more like this than like that and so on. At 28 she has to make her own mistakes and decisions. I know a guy who has severe aspergers yet he is very hard working, very sensible, knowledgeable, well educated, intelligent and can knock spots off most people when it come to getting a good job, earning money, sorting out his life, making decisions and making his marriage and home life work out. Others use it as an excuse for a poor education or lack of common sense or laziness.The last thing anyone of 28 needs is someone talking to them as if they are a fool and know better than them. They will immediately switch off from that person and may well do the opposite of what they tell them to do just to show them.The married man may well be a waste of time - he may well be totally unsuitable for her, he may well hurt her and let her down, but it could be the same if this was a single guy.There are lots of single guys who are clueless or losers too, perhaps that is why they are still single!And remember that people with normal aspergers dont' feel feelings the way others do. They don't get upset or worried or confused or sad the same as others. So aspergers would help her to cope with it.
A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (18 April 2022):
Yes, I seem to remember this post from before too.
In the previous post, the poster mentioned that her sister had a support worker. If this is the case, I highly recommend that you discuss your concerns with them. If you are very concerned that your sister is at risk of being exploited in any way, then you can raise safe-guarding concerns with local social services. Information on how to do this will be on the local County or City Council website. (The one local to her not to you.)
But, as the other aunts have said, your sister has Aspergers rather than any severe learning difficulty so she should be allowed to make her own decisions - even if they're bad ones. And once upon a time we were all naive and inexperienced about living with a partner.
But I do think you should tell your sister that she should wait until the guy is properly divorced until she makes any life changing decisions such as moving house or giving up her benefits.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2022): If you read DC regularly, you would know that we receive a lot of posts from women of all ages for relationship advice.
One thing I can tell you with great certainty, is that most of them don't take our advice.
They need empathy, attention, like receiving sympathetic-responses; or only want posts from people who will tell them what they want to hear.
If they don't like our answers, because they think we're judgy or harsh; or don't like the reactions from other readers, they will probably keep writing their posts over and over. Changing the words, or sending the exact original post; until somebody empathizes. They're waiting for another reader who shares their plight, with a happy ending to their problem. They would prefer a lie to the truth, if it will give them hope.
This is something I've learned. When they tell you "...but I love him;" I can't speak for others, but I recognize this disclaimer to mean they aren't going to leave him. They want the magical-pill and miraculous cures; instead of hearing the same advice given by their parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, BFF, and co-workers. The same responses everyone they know has already been giving them. All he has to say is "I love you," and 20 Dear Cupid responses will all be totally ignored. I don't expect people to take our answers as gospel; but sometimes you have to see the obvious!
All you can really do for your sister is pray, offer her your sisterly-advice; and get supporters, when there needs to be a family-intervention. If it is discovered she is being abused; or a victim of domestic-violence. Otherwise, she has to navigate her way through life, as best as she can. People sometimes follow their hearts, until they look like crash-test dummies; and then they'll have a sudden revelation! They have to reach it on their own terms, it's nothing they haven't already been told.
The upside to this is the fact that he is a wealthy-man. The downside of this is also that he is a wealthy-man. It is likely he will see to her needs and take care of her. If she is being his mistress, that's something she'll have to deal with; until she realizes it's a mistake. You didn't give details of her functionality level; but I gather she has some social or mental limitations. Apparently, not so much that she doesn't know what she wants, or who she wants to be with. She somehow attracted this guy, who seems to already have a quite a mess on his hands.
I can't see why a man who can have any woman he wants, is going out of his way for someone you seem so concerned about? You live miles away. Ultimately, her choices and their consequences rest in her own hands. If she's cognizant enough to be in a relationship; she has some idea of what she's doing. If she's an adult, she also knows write from wrong.
He has a reputation and an image to look-out for. If he is somewhat of a public-figure; his life is likely to be an open-book, and vulnerable to gossip. You'd know something about his private-life based on news reports, local scandal, and busybodies. You can look him up and find-out just about everything you need to know about him; if you know how to do your research. If his wife doesn't want to give him up; I guess he can afford all the lawyers and the legal advice he needs to deal with that. That's one of the advantages of wealth. They have a different system of justice, and can always find a loophole.
I would be more concerned if he were some bum she picked-up in a pub, or some random guy with absolutely no background; just an enigma, and his life is virtually off the grid. This guy has something to lose, and scandal or trouble can effect his bottom-line.
He may be delayed because his wife won't sign the papers; but if he doesn't want to live with her, she has little choice but to eventually let him go. He has no immediate plans, as far as marriage or anything; so your sister will just have to see where all this leads her. When men are married with children, giving excuses for why the can't leave their wives, there's not very far you can go. Frustration alone will sometimes put an end to all of it.
Be there for her, and let her learn whatever there is to learn from this. Asperger's doesn't necessarily mean you have no common sense; and most people on the spectrum are quite intelligent. They may have more difficulty socially and figuring out appropriate emotional responses; but they know how to love and care for people. If he's up to no-good; it's just a matter of time before all that becomes apparent, and she will have to make a decision.
You've already given the advice you could, now the rest is up to her. Just like when we offer advice here at DC. We try to help people see the causes and effect, point-out the obvious; or warn against the possible hidden dangers. Ultimately, the OP has to learn either the hard-way, or they at least be equipped with knowledge they didn't have before they came to us.
I think the best you can do is be there for her, and keep praying. You don't know how this will end; and simply put, that's her business. You can't protect her from herself, no matter how much you love her. There's little reasoning with people who think they're deeply in-love with the wrong-person.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 April 2022):
 I'm pretty sure you have written in about this before.
Your sister is 28 and, therefore, an adult. Having Asperger's does not mean she is not capable of making decisions for herself. If she is capable of living on her own unassisted, then she is obviously deemed capable of thinking for herself.
While it is lovely that you feel protective towards her, you cannot force her to think or see things the same way you do. This guy could be genuine, or he could be a cad. I have no way of knowing which it is, the same as you don't. You have to let her lead her own life, make her own mistakes and be there for her if it all goes pear shaped. Hopefully it won't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2022): I'm all too familiar with this kind of situation. My sister has dedicated all her adult life to a married man. He's Pakistani, a business owner and with wealth while she is on benefits raising 2 of his kids that they keep secret. She's now in her 40's, overweight, nasty and has a violent son. This is all because she chose to be with a married man who does not respect her and she has all this anger and rage towards her family and kids. I personally no longer have anything to do with her because she's not a very nice person.Your sister does not realise the cost of her decision. He won't leave his wife and he has no intention of allowing her to play a part in his kids life. She's delusional. She's also an adult. She'll have to live with this choice but warn her, she's robbing herself of a life with someone who would dedicate themselves to her. Is she so desparate to be in a relationship that she values herself so low to be with another woman's husband? Has she no integrity? Ask her, if she was married and her husband had an affair, how would she feel?The only victims in this will be the children. I fear for the future of my neice and nephew in all honesty. When they find out what their mother did, she will have hell to pay. Their father, finding out that his other family were more important than them with crush them. Women like this are selfish, sick and horror of a human being.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (17 April 2022):
 I know it's hard because you feel that your sister is heading down the wrong path with this married guy. At the end of the day she is 28, so all you can really do is offer her advice and be her support network.
This guy is still married, he tell's her the divorce is going through, but is it really?. It could very well be a case that this divorce will be forever ongoing and he will keep your sister dangling.
She should know that if this guy is still married and seeing your sister behind his wife's back then there is a strong possibility that he will end up doing the same thing to her.
Tell her that no good comes of dating a married man, and that even if the divorce did come to fruition then things should be kept on hold for a least a year as it will be a rebound case.
He say's the wife is abusive, but is she really?. The divorce is going ahead, but is it?. For all we know he could very well be spinning her a yarn and have no intention of getting divorced at all.
Its difficult because you are so far away from each other, have you both discussed the possibilities of moving closer to each other?.
All you can do is be there for her, call her often, have video calls, and just be there for her and try to offer the best advice that you can, and that you don't envisage a good outcome with the situation with this married man.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2022): You sister is an adult and law sees her as such. She is capable of making her own decisions. And just like everybody else she must learn from experience. HER OWN experience. You cannot protect her from being hurt.What do you want for her? To be happy, I guess. Let her try!By even thinking about contacting her bf behind her back shows how little you think of her, even though you have best intentions. Why shouldn't she be with a rich guy? It's easier to make that kind of transition from rags to riches than the other way round. If the guy's really rich, you sister won't have to lift her finger when it comes to house chores. Not to mention, that she could get much better medical assistance. So, there are two possibilities. She will either live a fairytale life or she'll get her heart broken. But that's just like everybody else, Asperger's or not!This guy sounds like someone who doesn't have to pray on disabled people, so he must genuinely like your sister. Is that so hard to believe? Let her live her life the best way she knows how.What would you do anyway if you got in touch with her bf? Tell him that she’s disabled? I guess he pretty much knows by now. Would you tell him to watch out if he hurts her? Well, that’s something you can do when you two officially meet.You didn’t mention that your sister could be misinterpreting the whole situation or that she had been lying. I had to deal with both things with one of my friends. She spent decades chasing after rich/famous men who sometimes hadn’t given her even the smallest reason to do so! There were situations where they would see trough her and string her along (never even having had sex with her), but mostly she was telling the stories she would have liked to have happened to her. She was making big things out of nothing. It took me a long time to see how ill she was. You seem to believe everything you sister tells you. So, if you do, just let life happen for her and be there for her regardless of the outcome.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 April 2022):
 It's hard to tell someone who is 28 what to do. Asperger or not. People who are in affairs get caught up in a fantasy where they are the "main character" and they "think" they are not "really" doing anything wrong because well THEY feel great!
"What would you do if you were in my situation?"
I would tell her, however, that people who get together with cheating quite often split up due to further cheating.
I would tell her that it IS rather likely that he will LIE to her. Because cheating involves cheating.
I would tell her that if his wife is Indian too, it's going to be harder for her to fit in with his family.
If she is "deadset" on being with this guy, tell her to stay living APART from him for a year before jumping into anything that involved living together.
I don't think ANY man (or woman) is 100% ready to just leave one person and start a new HEALTHY relationship right away.
It's not nice to know but she might just be a rebound.
He tells your sister that the wife is abusive... BUT your sister doesn't know if that is really the truth. It might just be an "oh feel sorry for me" thing that he says to get your sister to want to be with him and "take care" of him.
The fact that your sister is already somewhat isolated makes you worry extra which I absolutely understand. That is also why I would be PRETTY adamant that she DOESN'T move in with him ANYTIME soon. If this "thing" they are is good - it should still be good in a year, right?
"In reality, what's the best solution to things that would resolve many of the problems?"
I don't think there is an easy fix here. Unless she or you could move closer to each other so there is a better support network for you both. She is 28, so legally an adult. She will make mistakes with dating. Just BE there for her (with talking and texting and video calls) as much as you can.
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