A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 12 years this may. I once caught him taking herbal pills along with viagra. He told me he was too ashamed to tell me. We talked about my feelings of omission and lying and he quit. Now, I just found a whole envelope of viagra with about 10 missing. Questioned him (he is 46 with an extremely high libido) and he denied having any pills. I have them in my drawer now. I have felt something off for a while now. Do I believe him or do I carry on with my suspicion? He is always right. I’m so tired of being wary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2022): Ethical doctors don't prescribe Cialis or Viagra (or any medication); unless the patient has been diagnosed with treatable erectile dysfunction, or a disease.
The pills are very expensive, and most insurance plans don't pay for them. Have you asked if they are prescription, or is he buying them over the internet? Counterfeit drugs are sold over the internet for much less than FDA approved and legitimately manufactured prescribed medications; and they can kill you!!! Just because the pill looks like Viagra doesn't mean it is!
Unfortunately, unscrupulous internet drug distributors are selling God knows what to men, who think you can just take the drug to enhance or prolong their sexual-performance. The knockoff drugs may not even have the full prescription dosage, or none of the true ingredients at all. If things were above board, I'm not sure why he'd hide anything from you. You should be more concerned for his health, if the pills are not doctor prescribed.
If he's not telling why he uses them, or if they are prescribed; then it could be something more going-on than shame, or he's just hiding his erectile dysfunction. Viagra does not have a recreational usage. Few men need it at his age; unless they are diagnosed with diabetes, have low testosterone levels, have other physiological/medical issues, or get ED from the side-effect of other medications.
Maybe he somehow convinced your doctor to write prescriptions; but doctors warn patients of side-effects and drug interactions. He can only take one per day.
There's no advice we can really give you unless you check the bottle or packaging to see if there is any indication the medication is prescribed. It should have a warning label, his doctors name, a prescription number, and the pharmacy where it was filled and purchased.
All prescriptions, diagnosis, and medical issues show-up on your healthcare and medical record websites. If you're on each-others health insurance; you should have access to each-others medical records.
If he has not allowed you access to his medical records; then you may have some cause for great concern. It's never recommended you keep secrets about your health from your spouse. They have to know if you could be having a stroke, hearth-attack, hypoglycemia; or a bad-reaction to a drug, or an overdose.
If you are being gaslighted, lied to, or he's keeping secrets from you; you have reason not to trust him, or to believe he's up to something. He might have ED; but it makes no sense to hide it, or be ashamed, when it's something you can't hide anyway!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 April 2022):
 Does he have a prescription for them?
If not is he really aware of the risk that comes with Viagra? Is it worse for him to TELL you that he needs a little help in staying hard/getting hard rather than having issues due to the side effects?
"You should not take Viagra if you’ve had a stroke or heart attack or if you have unstable angina."
Does he use them with you? Is your sex life the same after you took the pills and hid them?
You two need to have a serious talk here, you shouldn't HAVE to rummage through his stuff and "take away" his pills. You are married and HE needs to open up about why he is taking them. Being "embarassed" is not a good excuse to take meds and not tell your spouse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2022): You’re framing this as a trust issue and I’m not going to dispute it is for you, but to him this is more about anxiety and shame that he can’t be the husband you expect in bed without a little help.
You want him to love and desire you and perhaps assume like you that emotional intimacy and trust are key to that. They are important for men, but desire and erections don’t always correlate when you want them to especially when approaching middle age in a world turning to sh*t. This is where viagra comes in. He doesn’t want to let you down that he may not be able to be ready when you’re ready. The hiding of the pills is his attempt to avoid the shame of needing help and the possibility of making you feel undesired.
I’m sure you’re hurt about the trust part and that should be worked out with a pro, but for the sake of your marriage give him back the pills and let him off the hook of guilt and shame. Unless he’s using the pills with somebody else, he’s doing it for you. Trust that and your trust issue with him goes away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2022): Technically you should be wary!
Your husband may have prostate cancer and not realise it.
It clearly doesn't fit in with his definition of being a man but if he is failing to get an erection without viagra he may well need to see a doctor and get a proper diagnosis.
Some men have no problem discussing these issues while others couldn't bear the thought that something might be amiss.
It's best to get prompt treatment as a person's life expectancy is much higher if treatment is sought early.
He would be given viagra on prescription anyway in order to keep him functioning.
My guess is that his confidence is down anyway.
So you could start by reassuring him that it has been difficult for people to get proper diagnosis and treatment during the pandemic as these things have remained largely neglected and others in a similar situation would have sought to self medicate.
However, viagra can be bad for the heart as it increases blood pressure I believe so he needs to go in for a full M.O.T.
( on his body..not on the car in this case).
It is up to you to prompt him to do so as it may save his life!
You can convince him that a problem shared is a problem halved and go with him for moral support as he would probably do the same for you.
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