A
female
age
36-40,
*iss_confused87
writes:I have a dilemma regarding my sister in law. We used to be best friends and when her abusive boyfriend dumped her, I let her move in with me and my husband. I looked after her, helped her get back on her feet etc....like you would for a friend. She was my maid of honour and two months before the wedding announced she was back with the abusive boyfriend. She then insisted he be invited to wedding and share our lodge the night before the wedding. She also said she wouldn't sit at top table as it would mean leaving him by himself.I grudgingly said he could come but that he couldn't stay with us night before and I'd rather she was at top table. She replied saying I was selfish and didn't want to come to the wedding as we clearly didn't like her boyfriend. Any opinion we had of him had come from her!! She is the favourite with her mother over my husband, since then their mother has been horrible to me. She even told me to get rid of my unborn child if I found out it was a boy. She is that bias towards having a girl ie her daughter over her son, who she treats badly too.Anyhow that was 2 years ago, I've reached out several times since just to be snubbed. I was really really hurt, she didn't r en congratulate us when we found out I was pregnant. When my son was born, she came out, she didnt bring even a token gift (she earns very good money) and was rude about how he looked.Now this same boyfriend has been caught cheating and it looks like its over again. She text me saying she should have text before but didn't know how. She asked to come over as she is feeling very down.Now my dilemma is...she is my husbands sister so I can't say for her not to come as its not just my choice. I have a 4 month old baby that is very hard work and really don't have the time and energy for her. She only wants to be my friend when she needs something and has never been there for me.Should I forgive her and be friends again....though I don't want to deal with all her crap or just be pleasant but not friends? Should I reply to her text? What should I say?
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best friend, money, sister in law, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, peanut_gallery  +, writes (2 May 2013):
She told you to get rid of your unborn boy? This woman is insane!
His family should respect him enough to refrain from everything you just mentioned. Your husband should respect you enough to request that they stop.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (1 May 2013):
 Don’t you just love interloping, interfering, dysfunctional in-laws? I call ‘em Out-Laws because I keep them OUT! The Law is once they start grossly interfering with the harmony of our live they’re OUT (temporarily)! THEIR REWARD then becomes simple, we shall visit and you are most welcome to visit us – we are still Family! However, this arrangement does not require ‘my’ partner’s back-bone, he hasn’t got one most of the time! But when ruffled (by others) he knows when to step forward. So to preserve my/our sanity and harmony I make the boundaries and discuss it with him when there’s tension brewing in the In-Laws camp.Here you have to be a united couple for this to work, choose your battles wisely and have a clear idea what you don’t want disrupting or influencing the live you have started.Your Sister-In-Law a fair-weather friend can either take it or leave it, you have a choice, as you’re the boss of your territory!Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): Don't reply. Explain to your husband you have done enough it is now something he needs to deal with. Don't be confrontational just be honest and say if she were a friend you feel you have been used and are hurt, and don't want to put yourself in this situation again.
She is an adult, you have a baby more deserving of your time and to find she has to face up to reality about her partner without an escape route for temporary respite, will do her good in the long term x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013): It is always better to forgive. She is your husband's sister and a part of the family. I understand your feelings about this dysfunctional family and all their problems. Surely, we all make mistakes. She is a broken person, and she knows it. You have to handle this family with kit gloves to maintain your sanity. Nip this crap at the bud. You have a new addition to the family.The well-being of your baby and your family come first. Using your head, you should strategically reach out and make peace. Nice and easy does it. A call to see how things are going now and then. Send baby pictures. Show examples of what good family-life is like. However; limit their exposure to your family unit to gatherings away from your home. Holidays and celebrations should not be at your house. They will slowly learn how you operate. Kindly, yet from a safe distance. Let your husband make his list of invites and you make your own; when offering family invitations to gatherings. That's compromise. Keep the numbers small.As for your mother-in-law? Kill her with kindness, and show her by example what decency truly is. She hasn't a clue. Don't let her antics drag you down. Let her words roll off your back. She envies your loving relationship with her son. She is seething with guilt as a mother. How she feels about her own children is just damage leftover from her own childhood. Your mother-in law's issues began long before you were born. Her mother was difficult too. Most likely she had an unhappy childhood of rejection and displacement. That carries over into adult-life, and life with her children is basically a reflection of her past. So try to be understanding in her case. You may never change her; but she is your mother-in-law until you're separated by some unforeseen circumstance.Now regarding your sister-in-law. She should not be offered lodging in your home. You now have a baby, and you don't need the tension and aggravation this family can create in just a moment's notice. Things can be quite intense. It would leave you in a fit of panic and frustration. Every time you attempt to resolve an issue, they all seem to turn on you. That's really easier to handle than you may think.Place all responsibility of dealing with his family on your husband. Offer no suggestions or resolutions when it comes to his family. Let the past be your source of reference. Unless you are a licensed and qualified family counselor; let your sister-in-law seek professional help to deal with her broken life. You should play the good guy by remaining neutral. Let hubby console his sister through her personal issues. They really aren't your problem. Let him sort through all the crap his sister is going through. Let him deal with his mother, and her venom-spewing bitchery. However; any decision to allow his sister to move in requires your consent. You have every right to say NO. It's your home too, and you must stand your ground. She will only create discord in your home. She will eat up your time and energy.Restrict your visits with his sister to tea or lunch outings. Maybe a local coffee shop. Share some heart to heart "phone calls." Limit personal contact. She'll manipulate you by using your good-nature to play on your empathy.Your husband may neglect to man-up and do his part.So you must build your own defense strategies. Your sister-in-law makes excuses for her unannounced home-invasions. Invite your mother or sister(s) over frequently to keep you company. If you receive sudden or unexpected calls from his sister, or visits, they can be dismissed as unexpected intrusions. "You have company." Over time, she'll give up forcing herself into your life. She'll find another shoulder to cry on. Suggest to her that she spend more time with her own mum. You have your hands full with the baby and all. Those people are only associated by marriage, and your obligation to them is limited. You keep things on good terms by keeping your distance and offering them your best wishes by Hallmark cards. Time may change them all. By some twist of fate, they may all realize that you only want peace and to get along. That's where killing them with kindness comes into play. You have your own family to be concerned about now. Your mother-in-law has shown you an example of exactly how not to treat your children. Your sister-in-law needs counseling and help you're not professionally qualified to offer.She isn't really looking for a friend, she's looking for a place to crash between broken relationships. She makes bad choices, and she wants sympathy and compassion she may not get from anyone else. Thus she will continue to make bad choices, and return to you for support afterwards.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 May 2013):
 I would also first talk to your husband, see what he thinks. I certainly wouldn't have her come live with you again though, she burned that bridge. Nor would she be my best friend again, but I would be nice and cordial, since she is family. Yes, what she did was stupid and hurtful and it showed you her and the MIL's true face, but I would STILL take the high road.
If she comes over (that is if your husband would like that), let her vent and when you are tired or have had enough, you have the perfect excuse (the baby) for her to leave.
It really comes down to who you are.
Dealing with family can be tricky.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2013):
 She was rude about how your baby looked ?! She was rude about the looks of a poor innocent little newborn in the face of his mom ?!...That would just have been the final kiss of death for me, but , then again, I am an Italian mom, we just can't keep our cool in front of some things.
I'd say, pass the hot potato to your husband. This is still his sister, and although she sounds like a rather hellish creature ,maybe he'd be happier if you could accept her olive branch. In this case, if it's important to him, go with " pleasant " but without overextending yourself . Be civil, be polite, let her come, let her vent if she needs, but do not commit to further or frequent visits, you have an excellent excuse, in fact it's not an excuse but the truth, you've got a 4 months baby to take care of, and that must be sucking up nearly almost your time and energy,
If instead your husband does not particularly care about being in his sister's good graces, skip the pleasantries and answer still civil but short and final : no thanks , this is not a good time for her to visit , or for you to rekindle old friendship, your time is very taken up atm, you'll let her know if the situation changes . ( Maybe, when your baby is in college :).
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (1 May 2013):
Yeah first things first, talk to your husband. If he says he wants her to come over, have her come over. You don't need to go out of your way to be her friend.
If he says he doesn't care then I'd probably not bother replying. Any rational and justified reply that tells her you don't want to be friends with her anymore will probably be met with more drama.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2013):
This is very difficult and I can understand your feelings totally.. Having a baby and all the needs that go with it.. As well as the strain that a marriage comes under when a new bundle comes on the scene no matter how much their wanted or loved, it is always a exhaustive emotional time .
For the sake of the family, sit down first with your husband explain to him how you feel.. It is his sister. He needs to have a friendly word in her ear.. She can't expect to drop in only when she needs comfort, and support.. But as she texted you . I would reply something like . Ooe hi sorry took soon long to text back but you can understand the baby takes up lot of my day .. It would be lovely to see you, why not pop in from ( you a make a time convient for you) to ( what time you start settle bubba for the night . A few hours if your time is better than none and if she doesn't like it, then bog her, it's not that you lose anything as she already been very selfish . If her mother says anything say ' look I'm not a handbag that can be picked up and dropped whenever your daughter thinks its convient and ontop of that we made time to see her, not our fault she so full of herself she wasn't happy with that . ' then change the subject if she continues so look this is boring, already explained this ..
You have your family .. Don't let anyone spoil it. Not even your siblings . X
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (1 May 2013):
 You don't owe this woman anything. Like you say, she is only contacting you because she is having a hard time. If you let her onto your life again she will only take advantage of you until either her abusive ex confess back into the picture or she meets someone new, at which point she will drop you again. She is a user and a toxic friend.
How does your husband feel about her? What is their relationship? Talk to him and see what he thinks but I vote against having anything to do with her. Like you say, she's done nothing for you. Focus on yourselves and your child.
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