A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Little bit about myself first. I am 46 years old and the youngest of 4 siblings also i am gay. The only one in my family and my family history. Unlike my brothers i was quick to get out of school and left at 16. Unlike my brothers i have never experience unemployment. 16 to 21 i had lots of jobs but i always found a job. At 21 i found a job with the students union as a bar tender. Pay was above average and i enjoyed the work. Think it was the first time i had actually worked with people my own age. A bar tender, comments from family were a put me down. "when are you going to get a proper job". I stuck with the job and the job stuck with me, if you can understand that saying. Basically i loved it, and have never looked back. YES that means i have been with the same company for 25 years. I moved from glass collecting to bar staff to bar supervisor then to cellar management in the space of 5 years which i think is good. There is bar management then there is me, managers seems to come and go but i am always there. I train both management and staff in bar procedures. I respect management and i follow their instructions and i guess i sort of liase between management and staff as best as the information i am given is correct. I admit now i tell them if i think they are wrong and why. If they go ahead and it doesn't work on their own heads be it. I have been wrong but so have a lot of managers much more then me. I love new ideas and always support them, but i also follow sales just to keep on track. A good response to a new idea might not last and while management are patting themselves on the back because of recent sales, long term sales don't look so good.That's my job anyway, train staff and keep management in check, most of the time. Home Life, a bit more serious. I have 4 brothers one of which is mentally handicapped. Love him to bits and i do mean that. I moved away from home when i was 22 and moved back home when i was 26. Dad had lost his job and because of his arthritis in his spine the doctor instantly put him on disability. They were having trouble paying the mortgage and non of my other brothers who were married with families were able to help. I probably should have move out once the mortgage was done after 6 years but i did not. I had got use to living there. Now my father is 78 and my mother is 76, my brother is 48. Everyone is expecting me to continue looking after my brother once my parents are gone. I love my family but i honestly do not want to care for my brother for the rest of his life. I love my job and my life and to have to give this up seems just too much.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): The last
asserror of my my brother asked is he could make himself a cup of tea. They decided he could and basesd on that fact could look after himself. Tea, my brother needs his medicene. He could suffer seizure or fit. My brother is 5 years old, he will remain 5 years old for the rest of his life. Asking if he can make a cup of tea is beyond me
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): Thanks for all your answers but the truth hit home big time today.My brother suffered a fit while traveling with my parents. Basically going to the shops, he is okay and back to his normal self. p
My parents have already asked social services for help but my brother does not meet the requirements for help. My 48 year old brother is 5 years old and my parents have had no help whatsoever from social services. They have asked and inquired but have always been refused.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): I can very much relate and I might be able to offer hopefully some advice.My husband and I have a son nineteen and two daughters 4 and 1 years old and I adore each of them.. Our son is autistic and has a mental level of 8, but he is a good boy, listens well, though he will never work, he loves to play workers if that makes sense... Anyway we are in our late thirties, forties now and we know that one of our daughters will need to help our son, their brother continue to live his life at home..Just as your mum wants for your brother, that doesn't mean that you should give up your job or social life it just means that you include him initHow do you do that .. Ok you get on to social work and you tell them your a working and you will continue to work that you need an assessment based on your brothers needs, that he can have a carer who comes in the morning helps him wash and dress if need be.. That he then has a home help who comes in prepares breakfast, hovers and tidys up puts on a washing. You get home help 3 times a day, morning afternoon and dinner.You access all the volunteer organisations who will came and do activities with your brother or if he has a CPN they too can help in way.. This means that though you are there . Both yours and your brothers life's are separate. It would also mean that if you find a partner you can still have time for you but also be a look out for your brother.Do ask your siblings what they are willing to offer, as well. I'm the youngest and I did most of the care for my mother and father, though my siblings helped when they could.My daughter will grew up knowing at they are not taking on a burden, but that they are sharing heir time with a loved one who needs them. Very much like if they needed him, he does a lot. For them at the minute plays with them, counts with them colours with them, when easily he could go to his room and do nothing with them.Love isn't a burden and family should never be..Get the support you need.. But don't give up on your brother he just needs that little extra help.God bless take care
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (2 October 2012):
 You are not obligated to care for your brother unless you are named his legal guardian when your parents pass away. You are not even obligated to find care for him unless you are named his legal guardian.
That said, you may find it more difficult to escape this "duty" while living in the same house with your brother and your parents. They will likely continue to poke, prod, and/or guilt you into it.
Is it possible you move out of the house and get your own place? I find having your own life but still living with your parents is a conflict.
If someone does name you legal guardian, or if you feel you must care for your brother out of duty/no one else is caring for him, then you will need to get a lawyer involved and apply for aid to place him in a facility where he can be taken care of properly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): Thats very good of you to help your family. You have 3 other brothers to help with your handicapped brother, this cant all be put on you just because you dont have children. I have a cousin who is extremely bipolar and i believe schizophrenia as well. He cant hold a job and needs care because he severly lacks common sense, yet on paper hes a genius. My aunt, his mother is 65 and i know that even tho i have 2 other able cousins he will probably end up living with me and our family. I but thats all down the road and i have to be prepared. You need to talk to your brothers, figure out a stable living situation for your brother and who will care for him what days. Have a family dinner with your brothers and have a talk. It cant all be put on you. What type of disabilities does he have? You may need to get help for physical aspects. Is he on medication? Its possible you may have to hire a part time nurse. Good luck hon, i hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 October 2012):
 You "sound" like a terrific brother... More people should have (a) sibling, or siblings, like you.....
As for tending to your brother who has such problems.... it's clear that you would never abandon him.... BUT, now "the issue" is to put HIS life in to perspective with YOUR's.... Take as much time as you need... Assess what are YOU needs; what are HIS needs.... and see how BOTH such sets of needs can be met. YOU are a smart guy... having seen so much success in life....
Take the time to expand the successes that you have had to arrange that BOTH you and your brother get all you needs met, WITHOUT you having to sell out your life. I KNOW that you can do that....
Good luck....
P.S. The world would be a much better place if there were MORE BROTHERS like YOU!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2012): That is a lot, and also have two disabled family members, my cousin and my sister. now i'll tell you this, that's hard on you and unfair dealing with these things takes an enormous amount of time. It sounds like you have a life it will cut into work and dating. i dont know if you plan to find the right guy and settle down, but taking on somthing like that can make it really hard.I know people who took on caring for mentally handicapped family that have never settled down with some one because they had no time and that's a lot to ask some one to accept. That's going to be somthing you have to think about. Do you want to start a family? Because it's hard to do, once you have so much responsibility. the second thing you need to consider is are you best suited to do this job or is there some one who's a better option for him?I'm from a huge family and have been bullied into doing things i didn't want to. Do not let them bully you if you dont think you can handle it then say so stand your ground talk to them so that way you all might come to a conclusion thats best for your brother because sweetie i'm not sure you are it. and that just something your family needs to deal with good luck il pray for you. :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 October 2012):
 You are part of a family of 5. This doesn't have to be all on you, and you need to earn a living.
Your brothers carry as much obligation as you do when it comes to your parents and your brother. You living there and you not being married has no bearing on obligation, and their leaning on you and calling you selfish is wrong.
Yes, you should help in his care, but it doesn't fall to only you. What is the nature of your brother's mental capacity? Is he an invalid, or is he functional? If your parents were caring for him full-time, is it possible that there is a center that is more qualified to give him intensive, full-time care than you?
What is the nature of your brother's disability exactly?
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