A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a son who is 6 years old and my ex currently has more custody than I do, I get him every other weekend. My problem is I'm so sick of my ex's wife and really don't want her around my son. For starters she's 46 years old, 10 years older than my ex who's 36 and I feel like she's trying to take my place as a mom....she spent too much time years ago trying to make money and climbing the ladder and never got married and had any kids of her own, and now she's making up for lost time by trying to steal mine. My son calls her "mom" which leads me to being angry at him, I have made a rule that he is not to talk about her when I have him but its no use he just sits there and wants to go home which leads to me being angry with him all weekend. I will admit I have missed out on roughly 50% of my weekends with him mainly due to work and or friend obligations, plus I really don't want to hear about how great life is at their place and all the trips they take. How do I stop her from being so intrusive in my son's life and just plain butt out? She has cut off all contact with me after I made a cougar remark to her, I just feel the relationship is wrong with being a decade apart in ages. My lawyer agrees with me about the relationship but doesn't think it would hold up in court with the judge to get more custody.
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (23 July 2015):
 Sorry, but i must say this. You are way out of line here!
To say that your exs partner is 10 yrs older, so what??!!
What,so it's ok for most older men to befriend, date ot marry women who are half their age, but it's not ok for a man to love a woman who is older?! Are you serious, because if you are, you're kidding yourself.
You are the exact reason i go around different capital cities talking to small groups of men/women about age & relationships.
Age is not the real issue here is it? Even if she were 10 yrs younger than your ex, you'd still have a major issue with your son having any kind of relationship with his new step-mum & do you know why?
Because you are down right jealous & selfish. This is not actually about you & your feelings 100%, it is actually about an innocent child, who through no fault of his own, found himself having to choose between two parents, visit two parents, who have chosen to go their seperate ways, hence leaving him vulnerable & open to making an added connection with the new person in his dads life.
The way you ought see this whole fiasco, is that @ least he gets on with his dads new partner, which is a whole lot better than if they disliked one another & she treated him badly. She is mature & this a great advantage actually, she's not too young, childish, immature.
Try to see the positives here.
Again, i stipulate clearly. Even if she were 10 yrs younger, you'd still be jealous, because your issue is that they all get on well, they all have fun together, you're obviously unable to be a part of your sons life, whilst he spends time with his dad & she, so you are finding any excuse to belittle, bag, cause an obvious rift between you & your son.
Please don't be offended, but when your son is older & he tells you to stay out of his life, which is a wee possibility, you will need to examine deeply where you went wrong.
Now, if i were to tell you, that i personally feel/think that you're selfish, because you could have a great relationship with yr son right now, if you truly wanted to, yet you choose to allow immature anger to get in the way of your sacred mother, son relationship & why?
All bec of your innate & unfounded jealousy, over your exs new partner.
Put your negative thoughts into proper perspective here.
Let's see. Your ex couldn't be a bad man, as after all, he chose you to marry & conceive a beautiful son with, right?
Now if that's the case, well, what makes you think/assume that just because his new lady is 10 yrs older, that this makes her a bad woman, that this makes yr ex, a bad man?
I doubt he'd choose the wrong woman, especially given the fact that you both parted ways, especially considering that he, loves his son, as much as you do, considering that he wouldn't wish to place your son under any more pain, any more stress.
Also & very importantly, you really should be thanking yr lucky stars that he's met an older, mor stable, more grounded & mature woman, as older women are going to make better parents generally, in that they're more secure financially, more stable, more committed, more knowledgable, more wise & above all, much more patient.
I am a nurse, i had my 1st when i was very young, i was a very good mum, but i was studying, working, less patient, less experienced.
Now i am much older & i have had my 2nd child within my 2nd marriage, i know i am 100 times better than the mother i was back then. Simply, i am older & wiser now & yes, i am more tolerant, more patient & i can provide so much more for my wee one.
This story about older parents being better parents, was aired via our national news some years ago, because older women always copped a bad wrap & this story blew many of the negative myths surrounding older mothers, out of the window.
This doesn't imply that younger parents make bad parents, of course not, but older parents make great parents too & that is a positive given.
You need to put the age issue aside, please throw it out with your next bag of rubbish & simply accept that your ex has made a wise choice considering.
Also, you must not place yr friends before your son, my goodness!! Your son should always come before your friends ok, your job, well you must work, so that's understandable, but surley he doesn't get placed in the back seat, bec your friends come first?!
What you say, sounds like teen talk!
Sorry to say, but that is a very selfish statement to make.
Also, i don't mean to judge you, to be rude here, but i want to ask, what could you have done that only gives you rights to your son, every other weekend?
Sorry, again, i don't mean to judge you, but i am curious, because your issue to me, is not even your son, i truly don't think you care overly deeply about his needs/feelings here, i think all of this has much more to do with your hatred, of yr exs new lady.
You have made this blatently obvious within your msg here.
The focus here, is on her actually, not on yr son, although you want yr reader to think otherwise.
You need to sit down, by yourself & write down all yr fears, all yr hang ups, your hatred of her & truthfully why?
Let's not start with her age again, because you & i know that her age is just 1 tiny part of the bigger picture here.
If she were 26, it'd be even worse!
I mean, either way, your ex cannot win. To be blunt, you sound like a very difficult, picky & mean person in relation to all this.
Start fixing your already seriously damaged relationship with your young son & make it work for the future with him.
He is still young, so it's not too late, but start now, not in 10 yrs!
Forget about all things that you have no control over & yes, this means letting go of your exs choice to date an older woman & btw, juts because she's older & hasn't had any children of her own, does not mean that she will steal yr son away from you, nor does she bite. I mean seriously!!
Also, don't judge her, bec you have no idea what this woman, just like you, may or may not have gone through, throughout the course of her own life & she isn't a bad woman, bec if she were, i doubt yr ex would be remotely interested in her.
Btw,there are many gorgeous (both inside & out), older women around, surley even you must know this.
Give her the benefit of the doubt, bec given that she's older, means that she would be great with kids, also she may love them very much & she is now happy to have found a wee perosn to befriend, but not necessarily be trying to steal away from you.
That negativity is in yr headspace. Yr son likes her, bec she is obviously kind toward him & you know, a child will never lie about his feelings toward another, so trust in yr sons ability to see the positives in front of him.
You will always be his biological mother, you carried him, you gave life to him, she can never take that away from you, nor can she ever be his real mum ok.
What you must accept though, is that yr ex chose her in his life, she couldn't be all that bad, as your son seems to like her, yr ex loves her now obviously, so get over that part of it & don't be jealous.
I am sorry that you have dealt with pain too, but that's life unfortunately.
When you have your son, make that small amount of time with him count. Make it the best time that you can share together.
You don't need lots of $, what you must give him is lots of cuddles, lots of support, lots of love.
The power of love! Pure bliss, try it!
Money cannot buy love, remember this.
Do all that you can to build a strong foundation between mother & son, with yr son.
Tell him that you adore him & you always will & tell him that his dad & you both love him more than life itself & that you didn't break up because you didn't love him, but only because you both found it a bit hard living together, that's all.
I raised my son as a single mum, although his dad had a new gf, but she & i got on, i was never selfish, vindictive, jealous.
Do you know why? Because it wasn't all about me, it was all about our son & i wanted what was best for him, that is it in a nutshell.
My son is now becoming a Mechanical Engineer & that was only possible, bec he was always my priority, not anybody else, although i love my family, my job, my friends & i have many, but my son was everything to me & he still is.
Finally, remember to sow the seeds of love & you will surely reap in the rewards of yr hard work, but if you do nothing but pick, you'll some day wonder what went wrong.
Prevent this from happening & start asap!
Good luck & all the best to you! Let us know how you get on please.
Wake up to yourselof before it's too late.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 June 2015):
 OP I am a mother. I was a non-custodial mother for many years. My children's step mother raised them with their dad and I saw them on alternate weekends.
I am also 13 years OLDER than my current spouse.
YOU are way out of line... in fact your follow up said this:
" I do really love my son he's just not something I want to deal with right now with being so busy. I'm going to have to try harder I suppose."
your own words HE'S just NOT something I WANT to deal with right now.
WOW...do you see how that looks.
I agree work obligations are one thing... FRIEND "obligations" unless it was a life event like a wedding or funeral, I'm sorry but KIDS trump friends.
The best thing to do is hold your friends close and your "enemies" closer. You view this woman who is doing the best she can to love a CHILD of SIX to the best of her ability as EVIL. I am betting that she refers to you as the "bio-bitch" behind your back.
NOT all stepmothers are evil. NOT all bio moms are the best things for their kids.;
I've been a SM to a child who's mother loved her but was not able to care for her properly.
I was the bio mom who loved my kids but did not have enough inside me at the time to care for them properly I made the choice to co-parent with the dad (my ex husband) and the stepmom. WE as ADULTS presented a united front to the kids.
NEVER were my children prohibited from speaking of another parent. NEVER did we NOT encourage them to love everyone. Kids can't have enough people loving them.
STOP being so freaking selfish and THINK About what is BEST for YOUR CHILD.
FWIW my son (age 28) said to me a few months back "Mom who ever would have thought you would turn out to be 'the good' parent?!?!!"
I went years and years with minimal contact with him. Now sadly he lives nealry 1000 miles away but we talk every week.
This CHILD of yours is SIX YEARS old. he's still quite a baby and you are dumping your pain on him? Get some therapy and grow up and stop being so damn angry at YOURSELF and taking it out on others.
OWN your choice...it's ok to say "I love my kid enough to know I am NOT The best choice to parent him"
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 June 2015):
 Lovely follow up, thank you.
I thought Mystiquek's answer was very kind.
Here is my PostScript message:
Now is your time to shine.
Think up some simple activities that centre solely on just you and your son. Do not be put off if he does not like an activity. Choose something else without complaining. You are discovering what works and what does not work.
complaining will just scare him. So focus on the positive.
Because you are still discovering more about this boy. He needs to feel complete trust that you will not let him down. And you need to find age appropriate fun things to do together. One on one. Without the distraction of other adults being present.
You want memories to build in his mind of the good times he is having with just you and him, doing interesting things together. Here are some examples:
Cooking:
http://www.simplebites.net/baking-with-kids-baked-apple-gingerbread-pancake/
Make an animal mask (comes with a video on how)
http://www.kidspot.com.au/funzone/create-animal-mask+10998+568+sponsor-activity.htm
5 things for boys to make, including green slime
http://www.kidspot.com.au/kids-activities-and-games/Craft-activities+1/Activities-for-boys-Five-things-to-make-and-do+12242.htm
Garden
Fill a pot with seed-raising mixture
Water the seed raising mix
Add some radish seeds
Place in a sunny position
Watch them grow.
To eat the radish:
dip the little radish in beaten egg, coat with flour
Deep fry the little coated radish.
Allow to cool
Serve warm with dinner – they are not hot when cooked like this.
. . . . . .
Reading – books for 6-8 year olds
http://www.booktrust.org.uk/books/children/booklists/242/
visit a farm, if available and suitable for children. The perfect one is at
http://nationalzoo.si.edu/Animals/KidsFarm/visit.cfm
http://nationalzoo.si.edu/Visit/gettingtozoo.cfm
Visit a park in your area.
Visit a museum in your area.
Make some meals together instead of buying take a way
Sit down and let him talk to you about things he wants to talk about.
Just make it pleasant and fun.
My best wishes to you both.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015): Thanks Abella
I wish I would have got your message before last weekend because I did skip my weekend with him and just didn't show up. I do really love my son he's just not something I want to deal with right now with being so busy. I'm going to have to try harder I suppose.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 June 2015):
 I hope somewhere deep inside of you that you realize your actions are pushing your son away from you? I"m sure that isn't what you want. I know its hard when an ex remarries, it can be absolutely INFURIATING..I've been there. My ex got remarried 6 weeks after our divorce to a woman that I could not stand...she truly was not a nice person and was pregnant before our divorce even went final. She did all sorts of horrid things and lied like crazy to get my ex (he wasn't a catch either) but I was very hurt and very angry. She did not have children yet and started to try and cozy up to our daughter. At first I resented it so much but the only person I was hurting was myself and my daughter. My daughter was so very young and she didn't know any better. The woman was good to my daughter and my daughter liked her and treated her well. I had to let go because my daughter didn't understand all the underlying currents of the relationship..all she knew was that her parents were no longer together and she was being carted back and forth between them.
Please try to put away your anger/hurt/disgust and think of your child. He's just a kid and doesn't know why mommy is hurt and angry. He probably feels that its his fault. Come on mom! Think of him...he's confused. Love him, do fun things with him, make him WANT to be with you..look forward to it..not dread it, not be confused and scared.
And by the way...you can be a mom at ANY age..its just a name, a title. Its what is behind that title that matters. My "baby" is now 28 and I will ALWAYS be him mom. She isn't his biological mom that is true, you are..so show it..act it. And just a little extra advice..things will run alot smoother if you cut out the hostility and cougar jokes. Your husband chose her whether you like it or not and your child deserves to have 2 happy households.
Please consider what all of us have said. It doesn't sound like the woman is going to go away so accept it and move on and be a happy loving mom to your son. He knows who his mom is. Please act like a loving caring one.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 June 2015):
Hi
I am a Mom and I can see that you are feeling anxious about losing your connection with your little boy.
And you are correct, you are not the one "on trial".
In this whole issue your son and his welfare is vitally important.
Children are not just affected by your presence or your lack of presence. Even at 6 years of age (and younger) children learn to read your body language and your tone of voice. More so than the content of what you say. Children remember your body language and your tone long after they have experienced it.
When you let a child down it crushes the child and they feel the hurt deeply. They start to wonder, "why, what is wrong with me, if x cannot love me then I must have done something wrong" - even though that may not be true.
Yet long after the event a child can still remember it.
I am an adult now, but when I was five I tried to stop my parents fighting. It was getting ugly and I pleaded with them to stop fighting. I can still remember it as clear as if it happened yesterday. My mother turned on me and told me, "It's all your fault that we're fighting" and my father said nothing. I felt rejected by both of them. Later I understood that the fighting had nothing to do with me.
I am very sorry that you are hurt about the custody set up. You get every other weekend.
By you hating the new wife is not going to make her go away. in fact it may be strengthening his relationship. The hate is not helping your child either.
I had my youngest child at 40 and mothers who are older are very much a normal thing today. So I don't see that as a really big problem. Nor did a Judge, so that is something you need to accept.
She can only take your place if you continue to do things that destroy your relationship with your son.
Because as his mother - emotionally your bond should always be stronger, unless you demonstrate animosity towards you son in any way.
You also need to prioritize so that you never miss your time with your son. That needs to be not negotiable. Your son needs to know that your loyalty to him is rock solid. And 100 per cent reliable.
Whatever she did in the past, right now she is being a good mother.
You would not want your son with a careless and unkind women. So what is wrong if she is very involved with your son? He is getting good care: would you concede that ? Would you want anything less than that?
Maybe your son could start calling her by her first name?
But telling him that he cannot talk about her? No, if he is excited about things he has done with her then be happy that he is not telling you how horrible it is with her.
Instead you need to make sure you do something interesting with him. Make pancakes, go for a walk, Visit a interesting museum with dinosaurs. Tailor it to what little boys enjoy. Learn to make a kite together from paper and balsa wood. Learn origami together by following a guide. Talk about Dinosaurs.
If you are angry all weekend your little boy must often be very scared. That is frightening for a child and unsettling.
Your child is not a possession like a picture you put on the wall. He is an innocent child who wants to feel that you love him. Your words and your actions and your body language convey how you feel.
You can improve the situation by spending more one on one time, not with friends and their children. Build the relationship.
Talk with him and Listen to him a lot. Read a story together.
Sing together. Go for a walk together.
When my first mother in law was alive she also had a great with all my children , even though only one was her grandchild and the age gap there was way more than 40 years,
Try not to get jealous of the relationship.
Instead do things with your son and try not to get angry.
That way when your son goes back to his father and wants to talk about all the things he did with you, then you will be back in your son's mind as his Number one Mom
You don't mention much about the Dad so can I assume that he is being a good Dad?
Good luck with all this.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 June 2015):
 "How do I stop her from being so intrusive in my son's life and just plain butt out?"
Well, you could repair the relationship with your son to the point that he is happy to spend time with you.
If you feel like you're on trial here, remember that the only evidence presented here was provided by you.
A few questions that might help the aunts understand your point of view:
Why did he wind up with "more custody"?
And if you want more custody, why are you missing weekends with him due to outings with friends? I could understand work obligations, but hanging out with friends comes above your child?
If you don't want to hear about how great your child's life is, and would like him to lie, to you, by all means, encourage the hell out him lying to you. That'll pay off great dividends in the future.
You may not like your ex's choice in his new wife, but unless you have some compelling evidence that she's a lousy parental figure to your child, then you will just have to be the grown up and suck it up. Sorry life didn't turn out the way you planned, that's pretty common, actually.
(Oh, and PS, when you're 45, I guess you'll have to stop being a mom, based on your own logic.)
I may not be a parent, but I was a child, and I know what type of parent I had. I also have been watching another family member deal with an awful, narcissistic parent to their shared child. It's appalling to watch the child's problems developing, just because this narcissist can't see the damage caused by the personality disorder of the parent.
Grow up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2015): Ok I'm really NOT the one on trial here this is about my ex's older intrusive wife....she couldn't have her own kids so she decides to "play house" with mine! Obviously none of you have children or you would understand. She actually had the nerve to ask me a year ago after I missed some weekends that if this isn't something I want or I'm ready for, she would love to adopt him.....how's that for insulting and butting in??Yet somehow I'm the bad person for judging her when she's never had kids nor will ever be a mom. He doesn't understand she's too old to be a mom. My son has been around my friends and some of their kids and even they agree that my son seems to have gotten overly sensitive and poor at following my rules.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (28 June 2015):
 Well, look at it from her perspective: She married a man she loves, she accepted his child and she is being pragmatic by making that relationship, including with your son, very successful.I mean, whose fault is it that your relationship with your own son is no good? How could that woman be at fault that you are absent from your sons life? She is not at fault that you miss out on 50% of your days due to friend obligations or work, or is she? How could that woman be at fault for your anger at your own son even for little amount of days that you get to see him? Why are you angry at your son's honesty that he does not like being "home" with you? Your lawyer indeed agrees with you because you are source of income for him so he wants you keep paying but he is also honest in telling you that objectively you have no case. Perhaps you should look at yourself and what you do as the source of your unhappiness.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 June 2015):
 I dont know how I can say this without being blunt but do you really hear yourself?
The truth is that you cant stand the fact that your ex husband's new wife has made your son feel so welcome that he thinks of her as his mother and would rather be with her than with you. By forbidding your son to talk about her, you are actually behaving more like a child than a 6 year old would!
What exactly is your problem? So what if the other lady's older? How does that affect you? So what if she's missed out on having a family and wants to make up for it now? At least she's doing it right and should be given credit for that! Really, who are you to say if the relationship between your ex and this lady is wrong when you are not involved in it in any way and neither is it affecting you in any way, except perhaps making you feel inferior and insecure? If she was mean to your son, you had every right to fight it out but it looks like you're fuming *because* she's doing everything right!
OP you had the chance and you blew it away. Not only do you not have custody of your son, you also, by your own admission miss out on whatever little time that you have with him because of your work and friends. Its no wonder that your son would rather be with her. Not only do you NOT prioritize him, you're also grudging him of someone who does!
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