A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do I deal with being second best? I'm second best when it comes to everything. My partner has a better ex. She was prettier and cooler and they only broke up because she cheated. He would never have left her had she not. I'm also second best when it comes to mates. I'm not the one everyone wants to hang with, just the one that is asked along to make up numbers. Also, on forums I'm the member that no ones listens to. I cant even make friends online. The sad thing is, I think I'm good looking. I'm slim, attractive and very educated with a job that I love. Its just no one other than my mum seems to think I'm special. I'm tired of trying to please people so that they like me.
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female
reader, Hibby  +, writes (6 September 2011):
I can SO relate to your question... You took the words right out of my mouth as I so often feel the same. Reading the answers helped a lot for me and I hope it will help you too. As least now you (and I) know it is a matter of working on your self esteem, and staying who you are.On staying who you are... if you pretend to be different from who you are, this is very obvious and it doesn't make you any more attractive or interesting, on the contrary, it puts people off. Also - take a good look around. Probably there are people around you who appreciate you much more than you think. Your friends are your friends for a reason - they like you and like you for who you are!
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 September 2011):
 Daniel has it spot on, the phrase 'look out for number one' is probably the thing I follow most in life, just tell yourself basically that you're the dog's bo**ocks.
It's what I do when I'm feeling a bit down and it gets me out of the slump quickly enough
Hope you're okay, we all feel crappy sometimes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): wow, this sounds exactly like me. Except for the mum part, my mum hates me. So i dont think i can give any advice :(
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A
female
reader, shalley  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 angelDlite has said it all.in addition to what she has said,i think you need to build on your self esteem,try and think positive about yourself and most of all be yourself at all times never try to be like someone else.its best to be natural.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Well what you need to do is build more confidence in yourself. Come up with a list of at least 5 things that makes you special- and what you really love about yourself and look at it often- especially when you're feeling down. Also read self-confidence/self-esteem builder articles or books. When you think differently about yourself, you'll notice that the people around you will also start to.
Repeat to yourself daily that you're not second rate. You're number 1. And anybody would be lucky to have you in their presence.
Hope this helps! :^)
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A
male
reader, eek +, writes (5 September 2011):
 you sound like a lovely sensitive woman. Dont let anyone make you feel like second best. If your partner does that leave him and find someone who treats you like number 1. Being second best is a painful experience i know. Have confidence in yourself. Put yourself first.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (5 September 2011):
 maybe you're trying too hard? you are being too nice and people are just so confident that you will always be there for them when they feel like seeing you. so seem to have a downer on yourself and you are thinking negatively
you say that your boyfriends ex was prettier and cooler? is this HIS opinion (coz if it is he should not be telling you, that would be cruel) OR is it just you who has decided you think she is better than you? you say he would never have broke up if she hadn't cheated? you cannot KNOW this. again, look for the positive, would you rather they had broken up because he had cheated on her? your boyfriend is a better than that so you should be glad. it is ok that he was with someone previously and he was happy with her, don't get hung up on it, most people have had a love life before we meet them and if they HAVEN'T we would think there must be something wrong with them. how would you feel about your BF if he told you that he had no feelings at all for his ex when he was with her? you would see that as a serious character flaw in him wouldn't you? or at least you should do!
friends invite you along to make up the numbers? look, if you were that worthless they would not want you there at all. as for online people not making friends with you, well i don't know about that.. maybe they don't find your comments humerous enough or something, so maybe lighten up a bit and have a laugh and a joke with them, everybody like funny people.
just carry on being nice and you can't go wrong. you say that your mum is the only person who thinks you are special? what about the rest of your family? where is your dad in this? do you think your relationship or lack of with him might have something to do with your sense of low self worth? doesn't your boyfriend think you are special? if he REALLY doesn't then maybe he is not the right guy for you.
i think a big injection of positiveness is all you need to put it all right
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): This attitude is why you"re experiencing being 2nd best. The people who are treated special do not even think about it....they are just being themselves (whatever that may be...loud, numerous, intelligent, soft spoken...). People can pick up self confidence issues, anxiety, a down mood through facial expressions, tone of voice, mannerisms, things said and general 'vibe'.
My advise is simple...fake it until you make it.
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A
male
reader, yourfavdinosaur +, writes (5 September 2011):
 Second best? Well, your partner has you right? So how can you be second best if he’s not with his ex? In my opinion, his ex is the second best because of how low she dipped his criteria of her of faithfulness.
To make up numbers? What do you mean by that? I don’t see why people wouldn’t want to hang out with you if you’re “slim, attractive, very educated” and have a job. I mean if you’re reserved or shy then it would make some sense as to why people don’t hang out with you.
I am a reserved introvert myself. It’s hard for me to make friends. I’m not saying you’re the same as me though. Just that in that situation it would be difficult to make friends depending on many different factors such as how social you’re willing to be.
There are people out there to be friends with you. If you keep doing the things you love, eventually you’ll find people who love what you’re doing too and they will truly be your friends. You’ll just have to meet them over time.
Also, there’s no sense in thinking you’re in second place. You are the best that you are. That is, you are what you make yourself to be. If you really want to strive for first, there’s a lot of sacrifice, perhaps, for that. If you are content with what you have right now, then keep it that way, unless being first in life is your main goal. Like anything, that will take time. The future is uncertain and unpredictable on your situation. So just continue doing what you do best.
Eventually you will be the best and people, too, will see you that way. In the end, I’m hopeful you get what you want in good faith. Don’t think negative on being second. Like the tortoise and the hare, who knows, you might end up first in the future.
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