A
female
age
51-59,
*arolinedesert321
writes:My boyfriend and I live together. He has been invited to a wedding of a friend that I don't know. He has not been given a plus one but still wants to go. I feel that as we are a proper couple an invite should have been extended to me. If it is a financial thing, I'm willing to pay to be included. If it were me, I would want my friend to include me and also my partner. It's some distance away and everyone is paying for their own accommodation. I wouldn't go if he couldn't be included as I would want to share the fun time with him and wouldn't want him to be excluded. They're not particularly close but he's willing to upset me by my being left out, than request an invite from a friend whom he has to make a lot of effort for to get to their wedding. I wouldn't want him excluded but he's willing to see me excluded. Am I being fair?
View related questions:
wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 December 2016):
 I think "social coward" is too far because you've never met them so, even if he's told them about you, you're still a stranger to them and a wedding isn't the best place to meet strangers for the first time.
You say you live together, but not how long you've actually been a couple? It could be a few months, for all we know.
OP, how much do the two of you do separately? Has he given you any reasons to be wary of him going to places alone?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2016): Was this unknown and not particularly close friend the bride, or the groom? Grooms are usually not that adept at proper wedding-etiquette, unless he's a gay groom. I'm gay, so pardon the stereotypical pun!
I think you're holding a balloon and blowing in as much as air as you can before it pops. Men and women don't think exactly alike, but I'm leaving the gay reference out of it this time. Here's what I suspect he's thinking: "Here's an opportunity to finally get out-of-town, and her out of my hair!" Here's what I suspect you're really thinking, but will never admit: "I'm not letting him out of my sight for one minute; he's probably going to a bachelor's party!"
You don't know anyone there. So how much fun will you really have? It may be a budget-wedding; and the couple can't afford too many people. You are not obligated to include children or plus-ones on wedding invitations. It's a courtesy. I think you mainly want to keep an eye on your boyfriend. All the other stuff is to hide the real reason.
If the groom extended the invitation, he isn't likely to think plus-one; and may erroneously assume he'll bring someone anyway, if there is anyone to bring. The bride is thinking of how many guests she knows and wants there; all the extras are just a strain on the budget. She doesn't know you, probably doesn't know he has a plus-one; and has already maxed-out the tables.
You'll pay your way? To whom, may I ask? You don't purchase tickets to weddings, and you don't usually pay to go to a reception. You might pay for alcohol; if the reception site doesn't include an open-bar. It's the banquet hall that may not accommodate extra guests who didn't RSVP. It's a total embarrassment to the bride.
It's his man's time-off, for good behavior. If you don't have reason to trust him away; then that's the problem you should be addressing. Not a wedding invitation extended to just one.
Call the girls together, pretty yourself up, go shopping, out to lunch, dinner, drinking, dancing; or go to a spa for the complete treatment. Let it be his treat!
If you don't allow a man to get some air, he'll find ways to get it. You're neither his wife nor mother, my dear. The situation is not reversed; so you can't say what you would definitely do. You're only saying what you'd do for the sake of argument.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 December 2016):
 This sounds like showdown big decision post. As in, the entire future of your relationship rests on this one fulcrum point: either he gets you that invite to the wedding or he must divest himself of any contact with this friend--who has not been part of your life with your boyfriend.
I think the blessing of this invitation will be the crystallization of your awareness that while you might live with him, he's not the man you think he is.
PS It's really not good manners to invite yourself to a wedding. If your boyfriend hasn't made it crystal clear to his nearest and dearest that you two are a package deal then alas you have a social coward for a boyfriend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 December 2016):
I'd invite my cousins and their boyfriends/girlfriends to my wedding.... *if* we were close and I'd met them. If I hadn't met them, I'm sorry, but weddings are expensive and I want people I know and care about there, not paying for strangers too. I'm pretty sure I'd completely avoid inviting friends' partners, unless I'd met them first - even then, I wouldn't feel it absolutely necessary to expand my guest numbers to include them all.I was invited to my boyfriend's aunt's wedding (as his plus one), even though I hadn't met her, but that's because I'd met his parents and siblings before. Had she not allowed him to have a plus one, I would have been a little disappointed, but totally understood and *not* wanted him to ask for me to be included in *her* special day or declined going by himself.A plus one is a courtesy, not necessity. Asking would be rude because it's asking them to spend more money to fit you in, when you've never met and they aren't close to him either. A wedding isn't something you pay to get into, so it would be strange to ask to pay or be invited, unless you'd met them a few times.I completely understand why you feel left out, but it's also understandable *why* you haven't been invited. He shouldn't ask and you need to be rational enough to accept it without bitterness. Sometimes you have to do things separately and this is one of them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2016): Honeypie, I think the OP meant that her boyfriend was going to ask this friend for his invite (which could then be used by OP) because the friend would need to go to a lot of trouble to attend the wedding and so would most likely miss the wedding anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (1 December 2016):
 From the view point of Wedding Etiquette; when there's no “plus-one”, it doesn’t mean its open for negotiation by offering the lovely gesture to pay for your meal and drinks... The lack of plus-one is not to be taken personally, it doesn’t mean the couple singled you out. It means they have and are entitled to decide on a specific number of guests, regarding their venue size and budget.
Forcing entry to be included is plain and simple RUDE manners. As if Weddings ain’t stressful and expensive enough for any couple; they have to stop the Press’ and reprint the invitations to include – everyone?
Honestly don’t be too miffed about him attending alone because you can’t accept being excluded on the invitation and think you should be joined at the hip... You could however ask him to take you along for the drive; you can entertain yourself by going shopping, be at the accommodation together later, and spend the next day sightseeing... It's the same as travelling together had you been invited to the Wedding.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2016): "I feel that as we are a proper couple an invite should have been extended to me."
What you feel doesn't matter. You're not the one getting married. The bride and groom have the right to invite (or not invite) whomever they choose. Not that it's any of your business but they may be limiting the guest list due to size of the reception venue or simply their wish to include only those people whom they actually know or perhaps they just don't consider unmarried shack-up couples as being "proper."
"If it were me, I would want my friend to include me and also my partner."
It's not you.
"I wouldn't go if he couldn't be included as I would want to share the fun time with him and wouldn't want him to be excluded."
He's not you.
"They're not particularly close but he's willing to upset me by my being left out, than request an invite from a friend whom he has to make a lot of effort for to get to their wedding."
Or maybe he's unwilling to be so incredibly rude as to request that they extend an invitation a total stranger.
"I wouldn't want him excluded but he's willing to see me excluded."
Or maybe he's unwilling to disappoint his friend. Or maybe he'll have the opportunity reconnect with other friends whom he hasn't seen for a while. Or whatever.
"Am I being fair?"
No. You're being self-centered, pushy and inconsiderate.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 December 2016):
 You don't know this friend, so it is possible they just want people at there wedding that they know. I think that is a fair request. It might not be about money, it may just be that they don't want a stranger at there wedding. You need to remember it is there day after all not just some party.
I think it is important in a relationship to do things together but also apart. If your partner wants to go then why shouldn't he? He wants to celebrate with his friends, let him do this. You two don't need to be joint at the hip. Also no he should not ask for a plus one as this is very cheeky and not appropriate.
The choice is yours let him go and enjoy himself and you organize a night out at home with your friends, or else argue with him and then he will resent you because he felt he had to choose. You decide.
...............................
A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (1 December 2016):
Ate others taking their significant others do you know ?
It's not like a works Xmas party where it's just all colleagues this is a wedding nd you live together .. I would think if he wasn't being able to take you he would decline but send a lovely gift and card from you both .. that's my opinion though
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 December 2016):
 Nooooo he should not ask ! If there's no plus one- don't ask . Never ever. The bride and groom surely have their reasons , good or bad that they may be, to keep the guests within X number , and to decide whom they want / don't want to their wedding. It may be that they are on a tightish budget, or that the venue is small and can only accomodate X people, or that they only want at their wedding people they KNOW in person and know they like... It maybe dozen of things, again, maybe debatable from the guest's ( OR the excluded person's )point of view, anyway it's not the guest's place to try and subvert arrangements that it probably took a lot of time, planning, effort and ...discussions to get to.
As for him going alone, and how you should take it... that's individual, I suppose. In your shoes, personally I would not bat a lid ; unless your bf has the habit of ALWAYS ditching you home alone and going to do his own thing, - I don't think it's terrible if once in a blue moon he goes on his own to see an old friend ( whom, btw, you don't know and means nothing to you ).You are not contact-hungry teenagers, you already live together so you see each other every single day, I suppose, and anyway people can love each other to bits without being joined at the hips and while still retaining the ability to enjoy occasionally an interest or a social activity by themselves.
Then again, this is the way I see which does not make it the ONLY way to see it- I realize that other people, including you, may feel differently.
Still, I would not ask him to beg for a plus one, which he is not going to do anyway. I would explain him calmly what you said to us : that you feel that a couple should either share together all the fun things.. or else miss them together, and that you are feeling left out . Maybe he'll see your point and will come along. Maybe not. In which case, I would not take it too personally. That in a given situation you would do X, does not mean that in the same given situation he SHOULD do just like you because there's no other possible way . Different people have different needs for togetherness, and when there's a slight gap it does not have to mean lack of love or lack of consideration, simply a different trait in personality re. that particular issue.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2016): I would yes, you are being fair, I think you should talk it out with him nicely and say what he says, if he respect you, he will talk to you about it in a nice manner and not frustrate you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 December 2016):
 Yes and no.
I get your point of view, BUT.... these are friends you haven't met. So for them, it's NOT important to include you JUST because you are dating BOB (your BF).
And he SHOULD be able to do things without you HAVING to ALWAYS be included and without you being pissy about it.
NO ONE is trying to SNUB you. The couple getting married don't know you from Eve and your BF wants to celebrate his friends that he isn't particularly close to. I really don't see why this is a big issue.
The one thing I DO find weird is that he is trying to get someone ELSE invited. My guess is, this friend KNOWS the couple? Otherwise, it makes no sense.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2016): Weddings are very expensive and considering they've never met you and your boyfriend is not one of their closest family or friends i can kind of understand why they chose not to invite you. I think you should just plan something nice to do with your own friends on the day of the wedding rather than kick up a fuss over not being invited.
...............................
|
