A
female
age
30-35,
*issxmexagainx
writes:I've noticed that a lot of people have posted questions on this site asking about anal sex [how to do it/tips/tricks etc]. And last time I checked this was a site designed to give people advice and and information about relationships and and sex. So why is it that some [a lot!] of you aunts on here post answers that can be hurtful and and make people afraid to try new things sexually? for example, if someone asks for advice on how to do it, a lot of you tell him or her that it's "disgusting" or "degrading" and that "a girl won't get any pleasure from it" or even things like saying it's unhealthy or wrong. People are asking for advice not your personal opinions. Why must you judge someone for wanting to experiment??I don't find anything wrong with wanting to do new things in bed. and and as far as anal goes, when done properly there is little to no pain, it's not dirty if you're clean and and yes.. a woman CAN have an orgasm during it. I know from experience. Just because YOU personally don't like something doesn't mean that you should force your opinions on people who just want advice! I came on this sight originally because I had questions about anal sex, but now I see a lot of girls [ and and guys} asking about it and and getting remarks like the ones mentioned.Am I wrong for feeling that people should be able to ask for advice and and actually get ADVICE? shouldn't this be a judge-free zone?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): Bonkers - all of us.
we can only give advice based on what we know and we never know enough to be truly neutral. We are all enpassioned by various posts on here and that is maybe what drives us forward. I can't, not get upset by some of the questions and you have seen my answers - I wouldn't change that. Sometimes harsh answers are required as well as at times kind and gentle ones. We do what we can and give an opinion - mostly not with trained eyes - only the eyes of our viewpoint.
As stated below this is a world wide site with so many opinions and that is what makes it interesting. I have learnt things here (especially about squirting lol) that i never knew about ,that all adds to the interest and there is always someone needing advice.
We should always try and see from the posters view - however if the poster posts something like "I have had an affair and its not working out and my partner has just found out - what should I do?" I reserve the right to be unsympathetic for things that i think are hurtful to others.
we are all anonymous posters here....even if we have accounts.... does it matter here to be anything more? its the advice that's really important. We will all make mistakes....... but on the whole, I believe we help - thats what i think.
Star.x.
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reader, kissxmexagainx +, writes (15 April 2009):
kissxmexagainx is verified as being by the original poster of the question my problem is not with all anonymous posters. Just the ones that say hateful or hurtful things && judge others constantly. It's like they're hiding who they really are so people can't lash out to them. I mean, if I have something to say I'll say it. People can say what they want about me, but lots of people find me helpful. I actually answer questions && give advice, even if I don't agree with something. I'll say if I don't agree though, but still help. isn't that what this site is for?
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reader, kissxmexagainx +, writes (10 April 2009):
kissxmexagainx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionone thing I also have to add on here: the worse thing of all is when people make negative && insulting comments but don't even try to help the asker out. Just answer the question! so what if you don't agree? This site is for advice! so give it!
also, I must say that the majority of aunts posting on this particular question provide excellent answers to a lot of questions that people have. You guys do a great job.
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reader, kissxmexagainx +, writes (10 April 2009):
kissxmexagainx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok well let me try to get to everyone here.
SirenaBlusera, that's what I'm talking about! you gave your own opinion on something you don't necessarily agree with, but you actually answered the poor girl's question! why can't we all be a little more like that.
I don't have a problem with all anonymous posters on here. givinguponlove , I'm sorry you don't like your name. I wish I could help you out there, but I think the only way to change your name is to creat a new account. But the fact that you tell people a little about your self && give constructive criticism && advice to me means that it doesn't matter that you're anonymous. Because you contribute without being hurtful or judgmental. keep doing what you're doing =]
GinsengMeow, [your picture is cute], I personally try not to judge too much, as do a lot if not most people on this site. I know that people are going to say what they want, but I just wish they could put themselves in the asker's position first before making judgments.
wonderingcat, I agree that younger people take harsh words harder than older people. We should be a little more tolerant of them, as they are young and just looking for advice. I guess I have used harsh words with I believe one young boy, but it was because he wanted his girlfriend to have an abortion && she was having doubts.
ps- I got my name from the song kiss me again by jessica lea mayfield.
anonymous female, [ughh] I really don't think there are stupid questions. asking questions is how we learn. If you used to have an account && deleted it because of "stupid questions" then why are you still posting on here?? what's the difference. && I think I do give practical advice && a lot of people would agree with me. I believe I have name-called once, but only because someone asked if he was being a prick so I agreed that yes indeed, he was being a prick. I'm not perfect && I have admitted to sometimes being a bit too harsh, so let's not start drama here ok? && I never post as anonymous because I have no problem with people viewing my answers.
armymedic- you're my hero =] that's all I have to say.
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reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (10 April 2009):
 This is why anonymous posters should not be allowed: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/sad-lonely-and-dying-inside.html
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reader, Yos  +, writes (10 April 2009):
 It's a public online forum: you're going to get insulted from time to time. It's an unfortunate but unavoidable part of this format.
With a subject like anal sex, some people are going to react badly. You have to remember for some people it's just plain wrong. It's disgusting to them, and even immoral. They are as entitled to their opinions as anyone else, and if they want to try to dissuade people from doing it, that is their right.
Having said that, there is no need to be insulting. Being nasty is not usually a good tactic: if you want to convince someone of your point of view. So those screaming about the subject are probably achieving the opposite effect from the one they want to achieve.
As for that subject specifically, i tend to just refer people to this site: www.puckerup.com/
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reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (10 April 2009):
Thank you for proving my point... by having an account we can at least see her past history of advice, and see the ratings she has been given. With out this past history our other anonymous poster would not have been able to check out the history.
But I suppose some people want to hide their history and ratings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): I don't think there's anything wrong with posting anonymously. I USED TO have an account, but I got really fed up with DC. It's always the same dumb questions. And before people get on their high horses, there is such a thing as a dumb question. For instance "what food should I take to this picnic?" or "what does 'you're amazing' mean?" or "can I eat something if it fell on the floor...?"I got rid of my account but I still sometimes com back here and answer a question or two. Anonymously. I prefer it. If the advice is good, then it doesn't matter where it came from. There are only a few instances here where cultural differences played a big part, and it's usually the other way round: the aunts don't know how to relate to the original poster.The original poster of this question is, in my opinion, one of the worst advice-givers. She has an excellent point about the hostility on this board, but a quick look at her history of replies will show that she LOVES name-calling, judging, and giving little practical advice.Dear Cupid is a great idea. But you cannot censor people's advice, even if it's bad. Sometimes, the truth is hard to hear.
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reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (10 April 2009):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/questions-i-need-answered-before-i-try-anal.html
I've studied science, and here's my two cents' worth.
I'm not going to attack a person's character but I will tell it like it is. :)
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reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (10 April 2009):
There's a difference between making a value judgement about a PERSON, and pointing out that a particular behavior just isn't right.
I'm an aunt, and I did have a question once... and Daniel was the one who helped me. At the time his answer made me feel sad but that doesn't mean he doesn't give great advice. He didn't judge me as a person, though, just opened my eyes up to some things, some of which I'd been denying. (gracias Daniel :) )
I am not afraid to speak out if I don't agree with someone else; in fact, the great thing about the site is that everyone can contribute a unique perspective. That's a GOOD thing.
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reader, givinguponlove +, writes (10 April 2009):
I'm not the previous anonymous poster, but I can tell you why I hide myself. I hate the name I picked. I chose it during a bad time and I'm no longer at that period in my life so it simply doesn't apply. And when I want to give advice, I don't want people thinking I'm giving advice from a "bitter" point of view (as my name implies), when I feel anything but that. I have no idea how to just change it without starting a whole new account, so I simply use the "anon" feature to answer what I have to answer without people thinking that I have indeed "gave up on love".
However, when I'm on my home computer, its the account I have. If you or anyone else know how I can change my name without altering the account, I'll be happy to do so and post under my own profile. That said, when I do give advice, I generally mention I'm female, from the US and my age range.
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reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (9 April 2009):
Sorry folks I know you don't want a pissing contest here, I would e-mail our anonymous poster but the lack of profile means I can't do that. LOL
It only takes 30 seconds to register, why hide yourself away, look at my profile and tell me what personal information you can gain from it? The only thing that is available is a snap shot of me so the readers can get some kind of credential.
Even just knowing an age and country can give our readers an idea if the advise is coming from a mature adult in the same region of the world as them or someone from a different culture who doesn't quite understand the question. With age: a 45-55 year old is going to have different values and standards than a 13-15 year old.
Also by having a profile the reader can see the ratings other people have posted to see if your past advice is any good. By being anonymous you are withholding ratings age and location all valuable factors in making a decision if the answer given is the right one for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): ArmyMedic if you don't like people giving anonymous advice and believe it should go, this site will become very unpopular if it's only for certain people.
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reader, wonderingcat +, writes (9 April 2009):
 Dear KissMeAgain (what a cute name, btw)
You just showed a stellar example how this site tries to accommodate a balanced view on people's opinion. You also acknowledged in your posting here that in the past you yourself have given advice that should have been more constructive. Sounds like you find this site a good medium to learn too!
People have different approaches in addressing an issue. And I think DC accommodates that too. But you do have a point, younger teenagers are probably more susceptible against harsh criticism than adults.
DC is an online informal site, so I suppose it does have a weakness, i.e. that it could not "force" a question-asker to provide a thick description of him/herself so that the aunts can "profile" the poster, so that each answer could be specifically catered for that poster.
DC is meant to give the poster a nudge toward the "right" direction - based on aunts' experiences and/or opinions. And this "nudge" - again - can come in a variety of approaches. I personally would not use words like "eewww nasty" or "you are being a prick" but perhaps there are other people who actually respond [or relate] better to words like that. Sometimes too, a shock treatment works when presented in tandem with an "academic" answer.
As for posting answers anonymously, well again, it is an option, isn't it? We should not "judge" people for choosing that option either.
Overall, I think this informal site is awesome and educational all around.
Cat
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reader, kissxmexagainx +, writes (9 April 2009):
kissxmexagainx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was looking for one in particular but couldn't find it. however I have this link which made me think of the other one a while back. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/questions-i-need-answered-before-i-try-anal.html
this has some answers on it that were a bit upsetting but not as bad as others.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): A "judge-free" zone can only exist if the people giving advice were made up of a hand-picked staff by the site operator. Since this web site allows anyone with an account to give their thoughts, then no doubt, you will get a broad range of personalities answering threads.Furthermore, a "judge-free" zone would encompass people that separate their feelings and beliefs from their 'professional' opinions objectively, being able to argue for and against and side with each side. Another thing is perception and knowledge. What may seem ignorant for a group of people born and raised from one region of the world, may not be apparent for another group of people born and raised form another part of the world. What may seem common sense for some, may not seem like common sense for others. Often, Aunts and Uncles are affected by their own personal moods and issues. Sometimes, they are reminded of past deeds done towards them or they have done themselves. It would be no surprise that certain emotions come to the surface when faced with a situation experienced by another, laid out before them. As with what others have already mentioned, unless you go to a private group session or a one-on-one session, your questions will be opened to public criticism.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 April 2009):
 Kissxmexagainx,you seem to be referencing a particular question about anal sex that had the responses that offended you so badly. Do you have that link by any chance?
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reader, kissxmexagainx +, writes (9 April 2009):
kissxmexagainx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso true armymedic! and doesn't it seem as if the rudest comments come from anonymous posters? they're always so quick to judge on this site but they either aren't members, or they hide behind the "post this answer anonymously" box. hmm.. funny isn't it?
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reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (9 April 2009):
Kissxmexagainx, there is the other classic post: the Anonymous poster, always ready to put their two pennies worth in but don't bother with an account so they can not be held accountable to their answers, don't have a profile so you can't tell the age or location (which I find helps to understand the creditability of a poster) and also don't bother to fill in a profile which can give some useful background to credentials.
A personal dislike of mine, I have seen so much rubbish posted by these mysterious people.
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reader, kissxmexagainx +, writes (9 April 2009):
kissxmexagainx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not talking about "tough love" I'm talking about people making others feel like there is something wrong with them for trying new things. "tough love" is when you say "are you insane? don't do that! you'll just get hurt" I'm referring to comments basically saying "eww that's nasty, you're nasty"
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): kissxmexagainx no offence but if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Sometimes tough love is the best way to go
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reader, kissxmexagainx +, writes (9 April 2009):
kissxmexagainx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou guys are amazing. while I'm posting my responce to eyeswideopen, two more of you respond?? It's good to know that you're active on the site.
I know that some posters are pretty much asking for it, && in my post I really don't mean that all negative comments are wrong. basically just the ones that are people asking for advice on things that they are curious about && wouldn't really impact their lives in a negative way. If anything it would be a learning experience. I just wish we could be a little kinder to those people.
actually I sometimes say negative things to aunts about their negativity.. wow. I guess it's a vicious cycle. you all make very good points but I still think we should reduce at least the insults. mainly about anal sex.
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reader, kissxmexagainx +, writes (9 April 2009):
kissxmexagainx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with you, eyeswideopen, but don't you think that maybe we could convince them not to do things like that in a nicer way. little girls don't respond well to negative comments. idk, that situation is a bit different, like I said that's one of the places I let myself get a little upset.but that's not really the type of thing I'm referring to in my original post. I'm referring more to ADULTS who want to experiment with their sex lives.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (9 April 2009):
 I disagree. Dear Cupid should perhaps be a web site where we aunts, uncles, cousins and whatever would ideally not insult anyone. But, like Good Great Eyes just pointed out, there is no way anyone can respond to some posts without judging or patronizing. Also, sometimes it is clear that what the person needs is someone to shake him/her, for the better. What if the post were something like "I need tips on how to poison my mother-in-law?" Will anyone simply provide "tips" that were/would be useful, for the sake of not being judgmental?
I would also need to point out that sometimes the judgment/harsh treatment/insults are not aimed at the poster, but at the person torturing the poster. Something like "Get out of there, that man is a bastard and he doesn't love you at all". Is such a post not "judgmental"?
I also agree with Eyes in that sometimes what happens is that people don't like the answers they get, or they don't like the fact that the answers do not support "their bad decisions". And my personal experience with this site (yeah, sometimes I had questions, too) is that those cases are usually greatly, wonderfully helpful. You need someone to tell you the truth.
We should also bear in mind that what you type another aunt, uncle, et cetera, can also criticize. It's not just the posters who get criticism. And that is healthy. We are all just humans and we all can make mistakes. Are we going to ask people not to "judge" the aunts, for example by giving a rating to answers?
Sorry. Disagreement and judgments are facts of life.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 April 2009):
It's very difficult to respond to some postings without sounding judgmental or patronizing. I mean what CAN you say to 10-13 year olds who want to know how to give a blow job or whether they should have anal (or really any kind) sex? Invariably the people who feel judged just feel that way because they didn't the answers or support for their very bad decisions. Some people need a wake up call because the action they are planning is just wacked.
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reader, kissxmexagainx +, writes (9 April 2009):
kissxmexagainx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI glad you guys see what I'm saying. I myself sometimes get a bit upset on certain topics, like 13 year old girls having sex. but I try to educate them && inform them instead of judging them.
I know they're are a lot of good answers on here && yes for the most part we do a good job. Every question I've personally asked, I've gotten great && helpful responses.
I just wish people would realize that they can be hurtful to others. I see this a lot but one girl in particular stood out to me. she was bashed about asking a few simple questions. shouldn't we answer questions instead of being rude or sarcastic.
I admit that I have gotten really heated from time to time, like when a guy is trying to convince a young girl to have an abortion. I said some angry things to him, but I should have been more constructive.
idk, I don't think people realize that they are causing damage to others. && even though it may be the same question over && over again to us, it's not to the asker. They probably feel that their situation is different, && in a way it is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): I don't agree with you. People are all diffrent and it's good to get a whole range of answers. It be very limiting if like you wanted, mods started deleting all the negative posts.
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reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (9 April 2009):
I totally agree with you. However, if you post a question on the internet you are asking for opinions and advice from people from so many beliefs and cultures, you can't expect people to fluff up their answers to be what you want to hear, you have to take all the replies and hope that someone with the experience you need has posted an answer.
Unfortunately Anal sex, Sexuality and Abortion are frequent topics that have a lot of taboo attached to them and I hope that people who post these questions can look past the bigoted opinions of others and see the real facts.
As you, yourself have posted a one sided answer here, you have acknowledge that there can be pleasure from anal sex, but you don't say that it can hurt or cause other complications.
So everyone here is entitled to post their own opinion, all answers require our personal opinion and experiences and it is up to the reader to take the good advice and ignore the rubbish(trash).
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reader, jessica04 +, writes (9 April 2009):
 You make an excellent point.
Personally, I know I have been the target for many a hot button issue. But I think all that happens is that some of us feel that we have lived our lives a certain way or according to our advice, and since we turned out fine, then our "way" is the only right way to do things.
Is this true, no, but when our personal values get challenged either by another Agony Aunt, or even by a question topic that is foreign and strange to us, then our defense mechanisms can spring up, leading to emotional debates, or just flat out arguments.
I think we Aunts have mostly done an exceptional job though, and when you read our columns you begin to get a feel for the style of every Agony Aunt. Some of us are just a little more sassy than others, and that can sometimes sound judgmental. But bear in mind, when you read the same question topic 10 times a day (like, "I had unprotected sex two weeks ago and missed my period, could I be pregnant?"), you are bound to get exasperated and snippy at some point.
Hopefully more Aunts will read this post of yours. And on my part I will monitor my responses and aim to keep giving nothing but facts and advice.
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