A
female
age
30-35,
*nnakat
writes:I need some advice about sex. Sorry for the long story. I've been with my boyfriend for about 3 months (only known him about 5). We met online on a dating website and he's one of those really sweet guys that are hard to find. When we were initially talking online he told me that he hadn't been in a lot of relationships (pretty much only one besides me) because he liked to take things slow and make sure he really cares about his partner. He told me he liked me and the conversations we've had, but that he wasn't looking to jump into anything right away or have sex. I thought that was really sweet because from personal experience, sex only complicates things. So I finally met him and we had our first date. We ended up going back to his place to watch a movie and we ended up having sex. I immediately decided he was just another guy who's a liar and only wants one thing, but continued to see him. We've had sex a few more times since then, but not much. Even when I spend the night he just wants to cuddle (which is perfectly fine with me). One day I talked to him about it...I told him that it seems like he's not that interested when we have sex and that it seems like he doesn't even want to. I was worried that maybe I was doing something wrong and as great as he makes me feel I wanted to return the favor. He told me that he really didn't want to have sex with me, but he was just doing it to make me happy. He also said that he regretted us ever having sex on our first date. This really hurt me because when I'm with him it's not just sex, I really care about him and I feel like when we're intimate together I can really open up and make love to him. Also, I've been in some really bad relationships and had a lot of guys force me to do sexual things for them and I don't ever want to be the person forcing someone else to do something they're uncomfortable with. But at the same time I really do love him and I like having a closeness between us when we're together. So now for the question...What should I do? Should we stop having sex or still have it occasionally? Do you think it's something about me that turns him off? Just any advice in general people can give will be appreciated.Side note: Our relationship is very complicated. He's out of town a lot because of work, so we're also having problems with the distance. I've gotten to spend at least one week out of every month with him, but he just left a week ago and won't be back till June (that's another reason why I really like getting to be close to him when I can). He's also 9 years older than me. The age difference doesn't bother me, but it seems to bug him a little. I'm willing to make this work and I know he'd never cheat on me while he's away, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong.Thanks for listening.
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female
reader, annakat +, writes (8 April 2011):
annakat is verified as being by the original poster of the question @YouWishI know he's not cheating on me. Yes, I have been cheated on (a lot) and yes, I'm always the last one to find out while all my friends are talking about it behind my back, but I know that he's not. It's one of those things that probably sounds completely ridiculous and looking at it, yes it probably does seem like he must be getting plenty of other women on the side but that's just not how he is. Honestly, I would be way more concerned for myself because I have a bad record for cheating.He is really shy though and keeps to himself. He's never had a lot of friends or had that "alpha male" drive, so that's kept him out of a lot of relationships too. I mean, ladies be honest, if you could have a super hot, outgoing, ideal man or a quiet, "nice guy," who would make the top of your list to have a fun night with? I just don't want him to be afraid to be intimate with me. But at the same time I don't want to push him or make him think I just want to be with him for the sex.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 April 2011):
 Actually, this guy is really smooth. He freely has sex with you while acting like he regrets it. That's the perfect way to keep you giving him sex, yet his tugging at your empathy keeps him shielded from true intimacy.You say that he's out of town a lot and tells you he's reluctant to have sex with you, regrets it, yet still does it? I would bet that you're not his only woman, nor his most important.Come on...you spend one week per month, you always have sex, and now you won't see him for two months. He's seeing you on the side. You're the one he's cheating WITH. He has someone else that he has no problem having sex with. No man acts like this unless there's someone else he's either with or he wants to be with other than you.
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A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (8 April 2011):
I totally understand what youre feeling, making love to your partner is the best feeling in the world, and it increases the intimacy between you as a couple. I do wonder why he said he liked to take things slow when he only had one other relationship, to me some relationships go off like a rocket others are slow burns that take ages to come together. he just doesnt have the experience to know that both are fine. He just needs to loosen up a bit, hes just as worried as you re going away and what you are feeling and doing whilst he's away. I would suggest that you maintain a high level of contact with him and lots of reassurance about how you feel about him. That will make him feel more confident and help him to loosen up sexually as well. just enjoy yourselves and not get worried about this stuff.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): Okay, it sounds to me like he just wants you. I'm not saying he doesn't want you sexually, but I think he just is embarrassed. He probably feels, well, dirty having sex with you because you're so young. There's nothing wrong with it, though, as long as you are both adults.:D good luck!
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