A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I don't know how to start, but I've been diagnosed with a 'potentialy terminal illness'. There is about a 50% chance I won't live more than a year. If I go into remission, then I guess we take it month by month from there on.We have 3 kids, almost grown now, we're married over 20 years, and are the only loves of each other's lives. We've spoken of this topic with friends and get so much varying, and sometimes argueing discussions on this, that I decided to ask some 'annonomuous' people that don't know us for advice.I feel that if I die, my wife will live another 30 years or so, and that she should (after mourning for me for a period of time) find someone else to keep her life happy. I only ask that as her 1st love, and the father of our children, that she be buried in a joint cemetery plot next to me when the time comes. In the meantime, I think she should date and marry again for many reasons. Not just sex, but companionship, and a guy to just 'do guy things' like fixing stuff and all that I do. I don't want her to be alone for 30 something years if I die. I want her to be happy, even if it is without me.My wife says she can never sleep with another man, so no one would marry her because she wouldn't have sex with them. I think that if she married again (and had sex with the guy) it wouldn't be despoiling what we had, it would be just moving on with her life, but not to ever forget me as her 1st love. I don't want her to spend 30+ years alone.Friends are so varied on this, and our kids say they will never accept another man as their father, but our kids are older (teens, and our oldest 21). I don't think my wife needs to have a man try to replace me as a father, but I also think that she should (if I die), get a male companion for sex, company, friendship, and support when you need to talk to someone.Am I am so wrong? Everyone seems to think my wife should just mourn me for the rest of her life. I think she should remember me and us and all that we had, and then try and move on and live the rest of her life.
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reader, eddie  +, writes (4 October 2008):
 I hope you live a long life. As for the spouse who survives the death of a partner, it is impossible to make truthful promises. I would imagine that the healthy spouse would be inclined to say the things they think the sick spouse would most want to hear.
As humans we're built to survive and move ahead. It is a fact of life. I know a woman who lost her husband when she was about 30. She is now in her 70's and never even had a date since her husbands death. She is alive and well but I often wonder what the point of her sacrifice was.
It is noble of you to be concerned for her future. Plan for her financial security, the children etc. You can not make plans for the heart. Neither can she. She probably does not want to think about this any more than you do. As for your children saying they would never accept another man as their father, that is fine. They should not have any input though, when they're older, about their mother dating again. The children forget that they leave the nest. When the spirit moves them, they pack their bags and move on. This leaves the parent alone. How selfish would it be to request that the remaining parent live the remainder of their life alone. It sounds like a noble sacrifice in honor of the deceased spouse. I'm sure though that most people in your position initially have these thoughts and eventually give in to the concept that the surviving spouse needs to find happiness.
No one can ever take away your legacy. A spouse moving on after the death of a mate does not diminish the value of the first relationship. I hope you have no need to get to this point and your health improves. It's probably easy for me to say but try to focus on life. Enjoy your time with your family and hope that this issue was just a scare and a lesson to learn from.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): First, I am very sorry for your illness and what you and your wife must be going through. I tend to agree completely with what you want for her. I would want that for my wife too if I were to die tomorrow. However, it is her decision what she wants to do if you do in fact die within the next year or so. The only thing that you can do is to convince her that you are sincere in what you wish for her and that you truly want her to be happy after you are gone. She may not and probably won’t ever love another as she does you, but she should be able to be happy and not force herself to live alone for 30 or more years just to mourn her loss of you. Hopefully, the doctors are wrong, as has been the case many times and neither of you will have to think of this for many years to come. Good luck and I hope that the 2 of you will have many happy and loving remaining years together.
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A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (2 October 2008):
 First let me say I am so sorry to hear of your terminal illness. Second, I commend you for thinking so much of your wife and her well being, however, remember, NO ONE knows for sure how long ANYONE has on this earth. Personally, I feel you should spend as much time with your family and do things you always wanted to do but didn't. Love each other more then you ever have. You married each other because you truly fell in love with each other, and I'm sure in your vows it did say "till death do you part".
I feel that if I was married, and my husband passed, I would grieve for a very long time. I may decide to stay as a widow, and who knows...in time, I could meet someone new. But that would be in God's hands if that was to happen.
When my father passed, my mother stayed a widow for almost 12 years before she passed. She went to church each Wednesday and Sunday, met many new people, even other widowers, but it was not in her to marry again nor date. I feel that had to do with her age and how she was brought up.
You sound close to my age "group"...and frankly, it could go either way. I would stay a widow or I could remarry. My thoughts would not to be to rush out and "find" some single man just because....it would be thinking of how wonderful my time has been with the man I loved and would always love. However, time does let us heal in many ways. We will never forget or have someone take the place of the person we once loved, it would just be a new love and that's only if it was meant to happen.
Do not force your thoughts or even desires upon your wife to divorce or for her to start dating or whatever. She loves YOU! YOU love HER and your family. Live your life the fullest with them. If you only knew how many people would love to have someone in their life that they can honestly say....I love you...mean it...and cherish that time with them, I think you would be surprised. Many do not even get to experience that because of lies, cheating and the such. What they would give to be truly loved, feel it, and know it.
My only hope and prayer is that you will continue to be the best husband and father that you can to your family. Love them as they love you....and fight your battle no matter what. I will always believe in miracles and in prayer...anything can happen. Remember...it's what you do with today that counts, tomorrow is a new day and as long as we all wake up, we start over and do our best, love our best and try our hardest in everthing we do.
My prayers are with you and your family...God Bless!
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A
male
reader, cherub +, writes (2 October 2008):
 Dear Sir
I am going to just share with you on your specific question. What you are doing is tying up loose ends in your life, ensuring especially your wife future well being which to me is an honourable, commendable human loving thing to do.
Of course you will never be replaced and it is not replacing either. You will always be in her memory, a special compartment in her mind. What she would be having when another man comes into her life is a different path in her life, hopefully just as happy as with you but never replaces the life you had shared together.
She cannot think of it now, of course not, she is probably still harbouring a wish that you would recover but in time, cliche it may be but time does heal the pain. Then she should move on and with your encouragement( sort of permission)it would be easier for her to love again. Like you said 30 plus years is a long time to be alone.
In a way you are also helping her to grief normally, as, if she is to hold on to your memory, things that remind her of you for too long then it would be abnormal grief and that is not good for her mental and physical well-being.
Like you have been talking to her, gentle reminder that the life you share/ shared will always be special but there can also be other different happy life to live.
May your remaining months/ years be a fulfilling, happy loving one with your wife and family.
It takes courage to face one's mortality and I am honoured to have the chance to write to someone like you and your family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): Hi
I think you have a great attitude and are quite right, life must go on but it just unfolds no matter what your wife says now, life has different plans, so i would not both fall out over this. I hope that more importantly that you go into REMISSION and then all this talk was for nothing. Both of you should be living for the moment what if's are a waste of time. Even soul mates who part meet companion soul mates to help each other journey through this life. But once again i hope you are ok.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): i think u should decide between yourselfs i can only offer you what my experience is well there were four friends a man his wife (S) a woman n her wife well fist the mans wife died her last words to her friends were find him a good one whuch he has done and is now in a steady relationship woth a very nice woman then the womans wife died (both of cancer) she also wanted her wife to find a new partner but the wife has gone downhill and wont date and she drinks a lot so i think its really up to you i no its not much help ut maybe your wife doesnt want to hink of a new partner while your still alive just make the most of what time you have left
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): I am truly sorry to hear that you're so sick. But as guillaume said, the most important thing for you right now is to focus on the time you have left and being with your wonderful family.
I completely understand that you feel this way and want your wife to know you're ok about her finding someone else to love in future. If I was in your situation, I can imagine I would be feeling the exact same way - wanting to make sure the person I love is not guilted out of finding happiness once again - facing the rest of their lives on their own.
I can totally understand you wanting to stress this message to her, but at the moment, she will be feeling so overwhelmed with the news of your illness, she will most probably be incapable of sitting down and thinking about what her future is going to be like without you. But it will be something that she will deal with if/when this happens. At the moment, you need to focus on making the most of the time you have left.
Everyone experiences grief differently and for some, it will take many years, before they could consider meeting someone else. I know that if my husband was told he was terminally ill, I would feel like I could never remarry - ever! But that's how I would feel at first.. I'm sure that over some years when some time has passed, I may feel differently.
I think it's right to have talked to your wife about this, and even though she may not seem receptive to it right now.. if you do pass on, over time, she may feel differently - think back to her last months with you, and remember your words.. but right now it's something she's not willing to even think of considering and I can totally understand that.
Remember that time is a huge healer. Although your wife will grieve for you for the rest of her life.. there will be a time where she may be able to consider opening up and loving someone else.. but at this stage, her heart belongs to only you - you are her soulmate. The most important person in her world.
I hope my advice has helped. Best wishes to you and your family.
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A
female
reader, missindependant  +, writes (1 October 2008):
 I am so sorry for your bad news.
My nan lost her husband of cancer and she is still grieving till this day. I am going to give my honest opinion. I think that if your wife knows that she is going to lose you at some point of course she is scared, you both are. But in my opinion there is only one way to move on in life and that is to let people lead themeselves of where they want to be. If your wife feels that you were her one and only and cannot move on, let her do that. But if time moves on after a while after the grieving(whether it's months to years)has become controllable and she feels that she can bond with someone new who truly loves her then yes you should let her move on. I know it hurts to think about it like this but if you want her to be happy you will be happy with her moving on. She will have you in her heart every single day whatever she decides to choose because you area special person that noone else can replace or forget about. Just remember what you both share is something that no person can re-write the past of.
I just think that you have to let nature take it's course and whatever happens happens.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (1 October 2008):
The reason you wife doesn't want to think about anyone else and doesn't think she'll want anyone else is because YOU AREN'T DEAD YET!!!
It's not up to you what she does. It's not up to opinion of what's best. It's her choice. She may choose to wear black for the rest of her life and keep a little shrine to you in her bedroom. She may go and sleep around once you are gone and have a successful career in porn.
Who knows. You can't plan this stuff and shouldn't try to. You are alive for now and should concentrate on your current relationship. Not plan her life for her.
Hey, she might get hit by a bus tomorrow!
Live for today, not some distant possibility. She knows you want her to be happy and that is all that matters.
Good Luck!! xx
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