A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so my friend and i are thinking of moving in together. Her fiance stays over 5-6 dys a week. I think its fair that he contrubutes to sum of the bills but she says no. She says firstly there is no way in hell he will pay as he dont earn that much and thar they work in the day so he will be round only in evening times as her so not like he is using extra. But I jusr dont think its fair. If he is there that much he should be willing to contrubute. But she refuses completely. But im a student and working part time too so its not like i have lots of money either. He even lives with his dad so he has no rent to pay! The reason i wanna live with my friend is to have freedom. Normally all kinda rules when u rent with ppl and a bunch of stuff u cant do etc etc and i cant afford to live on my own!What you guys think?Just find a place with other roommates? Or does she have a point?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 March 2014):
 Yep, let HER and HER bf get a place for themselves and find someone else to room with.
She is leaving because the people she SHARES with right now don't agree with her either, so she was hoping that a friend would let her do whatever she wants and carry the load.
Sorry, I would not want to share a place with her. He LIVES with her 6 days a week, that is NOT a guest or visits. So YES, he DOES use utilities and food. Which he should pay for.
Sounds like you can avoid a whole lot of drama and hurt feelings (hers) if you find somewhere else to live then with her.
I shared an apartment with a friend, we had a shared food budget and when her BF or mine stayed over, we had a list by the fridge when we took shared stuff and you wrote down if you took it all/some. Then whomever used it replaced it. It worked for us. Maybe because we could talk about it and agree on it pretty well. That and we had both BF's who would bring stuff over to cook with.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 March 2014):
 I agree with the aunties who say NAY to this arrangement.
the follow ups clearly make it clear he lives with her 6 out of 7 days and visits his family on Sundays. He uses water, electric and food. He's basically living with her.
she is being asked to find a new place because of him. Let her get a place with him instead.
find someone who is looking for a roommate... you don't have to be friends with them, just be able to get along with them.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 IF you are crazy enough to share with these two and he won't pay anything, then your friend will have to pay more to cover his expences, so split the bills 3 ways - not the rent- and she pays 2/3rds of total bills and you pay a third. If she won't agree to this then tell her the plans are off.
As he bothers you so much,then simply don't share with her it's way too much drama.
You may find your 'privacy' comes at a price, you share a house and stick to house rules, wherever you go. Some may object to your boyfriend stopping over - even one night.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (12 March 2014):
 She's looking for somewhere else to live because her boyfriend is pissing off whoever she lives with now. That's enough of a reason for you to back out of this. You will get pissed off with it too. You're not being unreasonable in saying "no".
Again, I remind you that she is a friend, and getting into an antsy situation with her is not worth it. Not worth jeopardising your friendship.
Let her find someone wiling to tolerate a freeloader, and meanwhile look for something suitable for you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 March 2014):
 Dude, she's looking for someone to subsidize her boyfriend. She is leaving the place she's in because he's become a problem.
P.S. If he does his own ironing, I'm impressed. Whoa, he irons his tees and his jeans? He's AMAZING. I digress.
Pass on this arrangement. She's trying to sell you on it because you are desperate for 'freedom.' She's counting on you being willing to pay extra for his living expenses because you are that desperate.
Pass.
Next roommate, thanks!
I think once she gets a reality check that she can't afford her boyfriend, she may realize she has to make some changes in attracting a new roommate.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): +++++ I AM THE ORIGINAL POSTER OF THE QUESTION +++++++
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Thanks for all the answers.
just to clear up sum stuff: my friend and i are looking for a NEW place. im not going move into her place. at the moment her bf stays over 6dys a week where she currently lives and he pays nothing extra. It has been causing problems with where she is living hence why she is leaving. He pretty much will stay with us 6 dys a week and go home on Sunday to have lunch/spend the day with his family, then back on sunday night.
so he is essentially will be living with us 6dys a week. he cooks, showers, does his laundry, ironing, eating (my friend and i would share costs for normal stuff like oil, butter, salt, toilet paper, washing up stuff, detergent,etc etc)...I mean everything normal that you would expect from someone living in a place 6dys a week. Within those days he doesnt normally go home. sometimes he and my friend does come around and leave at different times for work.
i dont want him to pay rent or internet etc. THose things will have to be paid even if he wasnt there. Just stuff like water, gas, electricity, commodities that is being used I think will be fair. Even if he can contrubute $20 a week I think it will still help and I think it is polite.
And for all the people saying if boyfriend or whatever visits...it is just not the same. My bf and I have an agreement for nearly 2yrs, I visit him one night a week and his visits me one night a week. And I think that is a fair. I wont want to do it more as i feel it is invading other ppl's living space to much.
Here is the other thing too, i dont know if she could realisitcaly find a living situation where the landlord or other tenants will be cool with her bf staying 6 days a week. i think most ppl will have a problem with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): How much time exactly he spend there? He comes home after work right to her house, cooks and eats there, showers every morning? Does his do laundry? When I was dating my husband I stayed at his appartment almost every night. I never took a shower there, because there were 4 other roommates.I went home before work and took a shower there. I never paid anything. I just don't understand what I would have to pay for? Electricity, gas? If the lights is on it's on, if the air Is on, how could I possibly contribute to more usage? It would bedifferent if I took showers every day there or did my laundry on a regular basis. That would probably create a little inconvenience . Knowing that I never did such things and frankly I didn't need to. I had my appartment that I shred also with roommates, and I did all things there.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 March 2014):
What you would be doing is sharing with a couple because if he is there 6 days a week he is living there. He can't deny he is living with her because its a fact. He must only be at his Dads 1 night a week.
So, if you don't want to share with a couple, regardless of the finances, then don't start out being the gooseberry, share with single people.
However you may be dating before long and your boyfriend may want to stop over 6 nights. Would you ask him to contribute to the household bills and dump him if he refused?
Situations change and it's all part of house/flat share life.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 March 2014):
 I'd just room up with somebody else.The real problem to me would be the limitation to my freedom and privacy imposed by such a semi-permanent guest. You want to share the place with one friend, but you get authomatically a third one occupying the bathroom every morning or hogging the sofa. I would not like that.
For the extra expenses, in practice I don't see how that would be a big deal, - the only moderately " relevant " one would be about 6 exra showers a week, which could be elegantly solved, rather than counting how many extra buckets of water, or toilet flushes, the boy costs you... by him ( or her ),say, bringing you take away food , or shopping for some groceries, every now and then.
I mean, if you are going to heat the apartment, you are going to heat it all anyway no matter how many people are there. Electricity too, if your roommate is going to switch the lights on in her bedroom, or in the living room ,she is going to do that whether alone or with a guy beside her. Cooking gas is the same to warm up a pot containing soup for one, or for two, or for three...
Supplies like soap or laundry detergent or toilet paper etc., you do not need to share with her ( them )- you can buy each one your cleaning and toiletry supplies ( which is a good idea anyway, with or without boyfriend ).
At the end of the day , his presence would be costing you very little , and hardly calculable, amounts. I think normally there are other smoother way to settle this kind of things, than in cash. When you live with a roommmate, you can't really split the cents exactly halfway. What if she is a big music bluff and keeps the radio on all day, while you don't. What if you blow dry your hair religiously every day, and she just let hers dry naturally in the air. Are you going to calculate if the extra charge for electricity is 0,90 or 1,25 or whatnot monthly ?.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 March 2014):
I can see him paying towards the food (also water/electric) but if YOU and HER are the people on the lease YOU and HER share the rent.
I would however not move in with her, because she doesn't think he needs to contribute AT ALL. Which mean you got a "Goldielocks" in your house not soon after you move in. One that sits in your chairs, use your toilet paper, eat your food and DOES NOT contribute. And someone staying over 5-6 days a week is NOT a guest. He is as close to a live-in boyfriend as he can be.
A guest comes VISIT and leaves, not comes over eats food, sleeps, showers THEN MAYBE leaves but comes right back ater on.. THAT is not a guest.
I agree with your view point and I think if I were you I would look to find either another room mate or room mates.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): Thanks for all the answers. really is helpful as didnt want to feel that im beng unfair.
just to clear up sum stuff: my friend and i are currently looking for a NEW place. im not looking to move into her place. at the moment her bf stays over 6dys a week or something where she currently lives and he pays nothing extra.
and for girl who said if i would charge my mother for visiting me on a weekend-i think that was a silly comment and outlook. someone visiting me on an odd weekend here or there is completely not the same as someone who is living at the place 95% of the time. i think u completely missed the point. it is not about her sharing the bills with him, it is about me paying extra for a 3rd person to be there. if he wasnt there the bills will be less (even if it is just a little less, it is still less) Thats my point, that he should pay a small part towards bills like electric, gas and water. Other stuff like rent, internet etc i didnt mind as we still pay that whether he is there or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): No, he doesn't have to pay anything. Is really non of your business who comes to visit her and who stays over. He doesn't live there with her, he HANGS OUT at her place, that's very different. Occassional shower that he takes, what are you going to charge him for that? i pay 40$ a month for water and garbage for 3 people in my house hold.
What he needs to pay for that shower? 50 cents?
I don't really understand what do you want him to pay for? For staying overnight?
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (11 March 2014):
 Your first need as a Student is to live somewhere economical and have an environment conducive to your needs; safe, cheap, clean, tidy and quiet I would think.
First up you are meant to discuss the rent, then establish basic rules of the household; cleaning schedule, having visitors over and if pets are permitted etc. Yes, it’s a bunch of stuff we can do for the price of living together harmoniously.
Here you and your friend have come to a full stop on the rent issue… her decision and point is final when it comes to her permanent visitor; (freeloading) fiancé… So there’s no point going into discussion further when her mind is made up and this does not suit your financial requirements. Freedom or no freedom; those are her rules if you choose to rent with her.
There’s still no need for sour grapes between you and working out whether she has a point or whether her fiancé is a moocher… It’s neither here nor there as it’s not economical anyway.
Just find a place with other like minded roommates; you’ll still have your freedom
CAA
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (11 March 2014):
 She doesn't have a point and he sounds like a free loader. Just put moving out on hold for a while, somebody with a better sense of fairness who is willing to pay their way, will be along.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 March 2014):
 Don't move in with her. If he is there constantly and you were living there, it would get old. He would never start paying rest or expenses unless he filed a change of address and no longer lived with his father.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (11 March 2014):
I had a situation like this when I was at university. A housemate almost moved her boyfriend in, he was there so often and had so many showers, made phone calls from the landline etc, that he should have paid towards utilities but he wouldn't/ she wouldn't ask him. It made the atmosphere very tense. His girlfriend couldn't see the other housemates points of view at all. It was just horrible.
It's not just the financial side of things, it's having a third person around in a place designed for two. For example, it's hard to get to the shower/ bath when you're third in line. That example might sound trivial, but these things grate after a while. Before long, you might not be friends with this girl anymore. If it's a good friendship, it's not worth risking.
I only house shared again once more (before getting my own place), but that was with another single woman so it was fine. And I knew her well enough to assume that if she got a boyfriend, she wouldn't behave like your friend or my former housemate.
Really, just wait and find someone else to move in with. Be patient, don't rush into anything, find the right people/ person to share with (as Chigirl suggests, somewhere with rules) and let your friend subsidise her boyfriend on her own if that's what she wants. She'll be lucky to find anyone else willing to accept that proposal.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 March 2014):
 He sounds quite selfish and she is far too accommodating in respect to his needs.He should already be contributing living costs at home (that's his Dad's fault for being too soft). Since she is similarly too soft and too accommodating towards whatever he wants then think what this could become?If he is there 5-6 days of the week then that is virtually the whole week. He will be using resources in the apartment and he absolutely should be contributing.Find another person willing to share the rent and find a new place for just you and the new person. And as far as the new person, set out some agreed guidelines for living together and sharing the rent and the bills. Perhaps one rule could be to make it clear that if a third person joins then the rent be split equitably between all the persons. Five to six days of the week is the whole week.He will still want to come back to your accommodation and find all his things in the kitchen, plus he make use of all manner of resources in the home.I bet he is also unlikely to want to help with cleaning too.Give the two of them a miss.See how long your friend stays with him if she is paying all the rent and he is staying there 5 to 6 days a week and is not contributing. Your friend also needs to learn how to be assertive in the face of how easily she is accepting and accommodating towards him, in respect to the needs of her guy without considering the impact on her and on others.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 March 2014):
 He doesnt pay rent, and you have no right to demand it either. Really. Once you start living on your own you will get this pretty fast. What, would you charge your mom for the weekend if she came to visit? Because that's how ridiculous this is.
If she pays her share of the bill, the logic rules that she gets to have whomever she wants visiting for however long. Now, of course, if he uses up all the hot water etc, then that's just one of the many camels you will have to swallow when you choose to have a room-mate. That's how it works. And you will also have to get used to your room-mate not being as tidy as you, not cleaning up after herself, her friends (or herself) snacking off your food in th fridge, drinking up your milk, or worse: borrowing your towels without asking permission... And you finding out when you go to dry yourself...
I'm not making this up, after years of having room-mates, I know this is how the reality looks. Hence why I absolutely do not have room-mates any longer, nor do I ever want to ever again.
If you get a room-mate, these examples are just a fraction of what you need to put up with. If you can't handle her boyfriend staying the night, without paying rent, then maybe a room-mate situation isn't for you. Or maybe you need to live in one of those houses where they have tons of rules. Believe me.. the rules are there for a reason! You should embrace the rules... Take my advice on it. Embrace the rules. They will make your living situation livable.
But back to the boyfriend thing: you pay for your half, she pays for hers, and if she wants to share her half with another guy without him paying for it, then that's her choice. And not for you to meddle in.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 March 2014):
 You should find someone else to rent a place with. She is wrong if she thinks he can live there while you pay half the rent. Saying he doesn't earn enough money is like saying he can go shopping and not have to pay.
If she wants to live with him so badly, let them get their own place. She's being unfair to you before you have even moved in with her and that's not good grounds to start a rent agreement on.
Most energy consumption is done in the evening and night time when people cook the main meal/use the lights/bath/shower and watch TV...if that's when he'd be there, then he's running up the bills and she is expecting you to pay half his costs...it's a no brainer!!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 March 2014):
 No... she DOESN'T ".... have a point"... What she "has" is a belief that she and B/F (TWO people) should live at your shared address at 1/2 price!!!!!
Rather than let the issue get any more provocative... just move elsewhere.
Incidentally,.... HE should have said to you (through his G/F): "You know... if I spend all this time him (nights with his G/F) THEN I think I should contribute to household expenses.... What do you think would be fair?"
Since he didn't.... you've got a clear-cut message that he (and her, by association) is a moocher... and you're better off not trying to get a "fair" living/paying relationship with them.....
Good luck at your new address....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): He stays over 5-6 days a week NOW? Where? If he already does that at her place and you're moving in, SHE gets to call the shots since it's her place. And no, you really have no right to be laying down rules for grown adults. ESPECIALLY since YOU want freedom from rules. Why the hell SHOULD he pay bills if he doesn't live there? If I misunderstood and you and she are FINDING an apartment and he'll be staying, that's a bit different, but if you have "rules" regarding a fiance, then expect some to be laid down on YOUR guests too. Um, you DO realize you're not in charge, right? RIGHT? Either way, draw up a contract stating who pays what of which bills (half the rent for each of TWO people living together, half the electric bill etc) and make a contract regarding things like food (like, hopefully you shouldn't have to label food, but my former roommates and friends LOVED to gobble up my food and cigarettes while I was gone working my ass off - I'd come home hungry and having no car, I was screwed). Yes, even make some boudaries about friends over (my roommates invited over people I'd dumped because they "didn't have a problem with him" and he'd stay and stay and stay ... and I had to avoid my own place (where only I was paying rent for awhile and providingi food, cigarettes because they flat-out wouldn't and the bills were HIGH because their friends stayed ALL THE TIME) and boyfriends/fiances over. If all those people raise the food/electric (and in my case, back in the day, the phone bill), there is NOTHING you can do about it but shut up and pay if it's in YOUR name (which is what happened to me) and that would suck if you were there the least of anyone. I'd even draw up ground rules about cleaning up after yourself, i once had a roommate leave dog shit on the floor for three days and a salad out for a week. when I got sick of it and threw it out, she said, "Wow, you're finally deciding to clean that up?"You would think grown adults didn't need boundaries/ground rules like that, but with all that freedom from mommy and daddy, many of them DO. If she tries to say that you're not a true friend for asking her to help draw up a contract, then SHE is not a true friend. There should be no "we'll get to it" about the contract, draw it up BEFORE you put ANYTHING in your or her name.But to answer your question, NO you do not get to dictate that her friends/fiance pay any bills - they are GUESTS!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 March 2014):
 If someone is living in an apartment 5-6 days a week they are living there and need to pay rent, unless he NEVER uses the common spaces or bathroom.
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