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writes: I have been torned up about my ex's cheating thats why he is now my ex...but all through my 22 yrs of marriage I always thought we had a fairytale marriage until 4 years ago ...I was devastated to say the least.....so now we're separated I am destroyed...cry everynight and wish I could have my life back....last night I went to my brothers and he decides to drop the bomb on me that my ex has been cheating on me since we got married im devastated....destroyed I dont think I will ever be the same....was he in the right to tell me? I know he hates my ex but was he in the right????
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (5 September 2011):
 If you knew he was cheating on you 4 years ago, who's to say it hasn't been this whole time throughout your marriage? Maybe you suspected it was going on but chose to ignore it.
Regardless, the next move is yours. You two are separated, I'd take it further and ask for a divorce. Get a good lawyer, to get what you WANT.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI found out 4 years ago , my husband was acting strange and then I snooped and found out he was cheating....before all that he was the perfect husband...he was too perfect ...and honestly my brother hated the doting on him ...he thought I was doting to much on my husband ...but my husband was the same to me......well when I found out about the cheating I was destroyed ....I couldnt get over it constant fights ..then finally he left because i found him talking to a woman on the internet...this just killed me...I havent been myself ....I was just getting decent ...when now he tells me that hes always hated my husband and hes a cheater hes always known that of him and he wouldnt be suprised if he cheated all throught out my marriage because thats what some guys said .......really what guys names??? but he cant say....do you know what it feels to be married to a person who you believe is in love with you for 25 years together and that he has been cheating on you ???? you have been lied to 25 years .....I am so destroyed.....Im numb inside ....is it true..I dont believe it ...I believe in my heart my husbande cheated 4 years ago not throught out my marriage ...then my life my babies everything was a lie.... :"(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Be honest with yourself - if your brother had told you any earlier in your marriage that your husband was cheating on you, would you have believed him?? I bet not, and you would have immediately gone on the defence of your husband, and it would have destroyed your relationship with your brother, and I bet that's why he felt he couldn't tell you earlier. So instead of sitting crying and feeling sorry for yourself, let yourself get angry and know that you're better off without a serial cheater as a life partner - it's his loss and you're better off without this loser who puts such little value on love, faithfulness and honesty. You're worth much more than that! Believe in yourself, hold you head up high and get on with living - good luck!
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (4 September 2011):
Ouch sorry to hear that.
Yes and no. It's not really his place to get involved then again, I'd rather hear it from a close family member than a mistress or an anonymous tip.
I see it as a brother looking out for his sister. He's probably known all along but was debating whether or not, if and when to tell you about the cheating. Now that you're separated, it's probably a good time to find out. That way you can decide if you're going to file for divorce and claim your assets or stick it out with marriage counseling. Cheating for 22 years is pretty unforgivable in my eyes.
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reader, mrg123  +, writes (3 September 2011):
 Right there are a few separate issues here. The answer to your question is yes, he should have told you, he is your brother. He should have told you much earlier than he did, truth be told, this was the wrong time to tell you because it has brought all your old emotions back. So, in that sense he was wrong and insensitive but it was the timing that made it so, not the fact he told you in the first place.
Having said that, what's important is exactly what Caring says, to focus on you and yourself and heal and to do that you will need your family so I would be inclined to forget the mistakes of your brother and write them off. Good luck :)
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female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (3 September 2011):
 Your brother was in a hard situation, if he had told you would you have believed him? My guess is probably not, in most instances if a sibling tells another sibling that their partner is cheating, they are usually the one's who get treated as the bad guy and end up losing the relationship with the person being cheated on. Don't be angry with your brother, he loves you and was trying to save from being hurt and losing you. Instead be angry with the man who broke your heart and cheated on you. Best wishes to you.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 September 2011):
I think it would have been much more sensitive to have not said that. You don't even know if it's true - perhaps your brother said it out of spite to this man, or to try and get you to move on (not that it worked) But, you have to remember that your brother isn't the one who cheated, so whatever you do, don't take your anger out on him or sit there worrying about what he has said. It ultimately means nothing.
What you must do now is really start putting effort back into your own life. I think from what you've said here that you would benefit from counselling. Your emotions are all over the place, and you can't destroy your life by spending time analysing what your ex and your brother have done.
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