A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so this weekend is a bank holiday, my guy is off work Saturday and Sunday (he works a lot of weekends) and basically he has been invited to go camping with his two best mates. I’m pi***d off. I don’t have a problem with either of these guys, apparently one of them is a bit ‘down’ at the moment (whatever) but I was hoping we would be able to spend the weekend together! He is more independent than I although he likes to spend QT together too, less so than me. I am pretty sure we are spending the weekend after that together as he is off then too, which is unusual.I still feel really angry though that it is a bank holiday and he wants to go away with his mates. Isn’t that a bit childish or am I being over demanding? I mean, do I need to let him have his time with his mates, even if it is a bank holiday? The last time he went away for a weekend with a friend was a year ago? Am I being a bunny boiler? Please be honest with me, I struggle. I like time with my mates but prefer to spend my free time with him. Also, I’ve been invited to Scotland for a week with some friends, rent a cottage for a week. It’s cheap but it would mean swapping my annual leave around so that I spend less time with him this year (a week instead of two). Do you think this would be a good idea? It’s been years since I went away with friends and one of the people going is my best mate. It does however go back to me wanting to spend nearly all of my free time with him. I’m struggling to conceive who is being unhealthy here, me or him? I just seem to have a belief that when you are in a relationship that you should automatically want to spend most of your free time with them. He does not hold this belief and likes to do many different things. Also, just to let you know, we are both in our 30s and have been together almost 18 months. We see each other 2 or 3 times a week depending on what hours he is doing (he works shifts). We don’t live together but planning to move in together soon. We have also been arguing more of late so that might be something to do with him wanting to spend less time with me and more with his friends. I am scared that if i dont change my attitude to him going off and doing things with his friends we will not last. I know how much men value their freedom. Help please?!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): Hi I'm the OP. Cindy, Anyway, re this question, I have really realised that I am being quite controlling, as a result of my anxiety/insecurity, and i need to stop it. He is more independent than I, and I need to accept that. I actually checked when he last went out with friends drinking and it was about 2 monhts ago! I want to add that i dont always see him in the week, this week i saw him monday evening for a few hours and i'll see him this weekend, but that is because he has been doing late shifts, so he doesnt get home until 10pm, sometimes later and he is tired and does not want to talk. I work mon-fri 9-5pm. I reckon on average we see each other twice a week. If I Register on Dear Cupid, instead of posting anonymous, I know it would be easier to message you Cindy, i'd like to understand your techniques, unfortunately i am still having mild anxiety attacks daily. I am having CBT.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 It may be healthy for couples spending a lot of time together, but it's unhealthy being overly anxious or concerned or devastated when this cannot happen ( because of reasonable, acceptable motivations, not because he signed up for a week of sexual turism in Bangkok ).
Valuing intimacy is one thing, "craving " it all another and I am not sure it's the most logical, natural attitude to adopt toward intimacy, when one has not been deprived of it in the first place ( our OP meets regularly her BF during the week ).
OP, don't think I am pulling your ear :) in fact I realize that you are struggling with relevant difficulties in managing your anxiety levels. As a matter of fact, if you want to PM me, I know a couple of anxiety - defusing tricks and techniques that may be of some help, in the immediate. For the long term, I think you should insist with therapy, maybe tryng a new therapist, or a new approach, -unluckily therapy is not one size fits all, it may take a few attempts to get what works for you.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (25 May 2011):
 yes its healthy to have a balance of spending time together and being close AND time apart to do different things and miss each other. well as his job is dictating that he can only see you one weekend in six, just make sure that the time you get together is great quality time!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Hey, Im the OP. I took most of your advice and advised him to go. Unfortunately he only has sat and sun off and theyre going on friday and coming back monday so he cant go.
I still think it's healthy for couples to spend lots of time togther and we do not spend enough time togther.
We spend around one weekend together in every 6 or so, it's not alot and I crave intimacy with him.
He works most weekends so the time we get togtehr is not great.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): Hey - I differ from the other posters. I don't think you're being too demanding to ask for some of his time like this. Actually, I think it's healthy for couples to spend time together! :)
My fiance and I have been together for 2 years. We go away for weekends regularly - but together. He comes with my friends, and I go with his. It means we tend to socialize in mixed groups - friends and their partners. It's really lovely and means we get time together, while also catching up with people we care about. And we avoid all the weirdness of single-sex socializing, which I really don't enjoy. I am committed to my guy, and I don't want attention from any other men. When out with just girls some guy inevitably butts in, and refuses to back off, which is just unpleasant.
Maybe let this one go, but try to rejig your social life towards mixed groups? He could come to Scotland with you, for instance - if not for the whole time, then maybe for a weekend or something? Honestly, I think you'll find it so much more enjoyable and grownup!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): I agree with the others in saying getting angry at him having a weekend away with his mates is a bit over the top. You said something which I think is significant. You asked us if we thought it would be ok for you to have a weekend away with the girls that would leave you one less week with your boyfriend. Not only is that ok, but I think it's a great idea. You would have a chance to reconnect with friends, travel and see something new. It would give your boyfriend a chance to miss you and you'd have some interesting new things to talk about when you return.I suspect that you not only want to spend all your free time with your boyfriend, but on some level you think you have to. Withdrawing yourself from your friends, neglecting your own interests makes you more reliant on your boyfriend, more vulnerable and more demanding. Not to mention less interesting.Everyone needs their own space every now and then. Without it a relationship becomes smothering.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (24 May 2011):
let him go. its what he wants to do anyway so what is the point in keeping him at home with you? there are 52 weekends in a year so i suggest you give him your blessing to have this one with his mates while he has the opportunity to go camping. nobody enjoys being with a cling-on. make sure you plan something nice to do at the weekend too, don't sit at home stewing about him. he has a friend who is 'down' for some reason, so be the bigger person and show caring for others who may be in greater need than you are right now
x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 May 2011):
 I have to agree that you are being clingy and demanding and over the top.
It's a weekend with his friends. I love my man but gawd help me he better not prevent me from my girls weekends... I do about 4 a year....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): I agree with everyone else, this is very clingy OP. You don't seem to understand that it is very healthy to have these kind of times away from each other so you can actually miss each other if you know what I mean.
Wanting to spend all your free time together is fine and it's good but there has to be a limit. Regardless of wanting to, you need to have a life outside of the relationship too. Going away with friends, having fun experiences without your partner has a million different benefits. You get to have fresh things to talk about, exciting new stories and stuff to tell each other. You get to hear other peoples news, whats happening in their lives, etc. You get to exert your freedom in a relationship, you know you can go out and do other things, happy knowing that you have a loving caring partner waiting for you, to find out how things went and someone who will benefit from the good times you had or console you if you had a crappy time.
OP it is the time we are away from our partners is when we can think clearly about what they really mean to us. Now if you send him away with a bitter taste in his mouth, making him feel bad for choosing to spend time with them instead of you, just because it's a bank holiday then how is that going make him view you while he's away? What kind of things will his friends say if he tells them you're pissed at him for going? Do you think he's going to look to forward to coming back to a woman who is bitter and pissed off at him? Do you think he's going to have a good time with that hanging over his head?
OP do you want to send him away the attitude that he's going to have fun despite you or that he's going with your blessing to have a carefree time and can look forward to coming back to a woman eager to hear how he got on and hear his stories? You have to make that choice really. It's okay to be disappointed that he won't be with you, that shows you care but when you bring that to the level of being pissed off at him and causing arguments, then he's not going to look forward to coming back to you at all. He'll just feel trapped and have every reason to be pissed off himself that you reacted that way. He'll have to thread with caution in the future and will always have it in the back of his mind that he's not allowed to have fun without your permission or without getting a negative response.
That's not healthy in a relationship OP. Missing someone is fine, being disappointed that you can't spend time with them is also good but when that turns into anger, bitterness, fights and emotional blackmail then that is not the basis for a healthy long term relationship at all. That will just spiral out of control and become a major issue.
So let him go, be disappointed but happy that you know he's off to have a good time. Let him know you look forward to him getting back so you can hear the stories and that next weekend when you and he are together will be awesome, because you missed him this weekend. Don't make him feel bad for going off to have to some fun without you, you'll be in his thoughts the whole time, just try and make sure those thoughts are happy ones. Then when you go off for your week long holiday with your friends, you too will have a loving partner waiting for you to come back happy and refreshed.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (23 May 2011):
 The last time he went away for a weekend with a mate was a year ago? He's going camping... not a tour of Vegas strip clubs.
You are not in competition with his friends... making it seem like you are is only going to breed resentment, from you to him, from him to you and from his friends to both of you.
So relax... take this opportunity to catch up with your friends or family and you'll both come back recharged.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): Hey there I’m the OP. you’re right Cindy I do suffer from attachment disorder, it is very emotionally painful for me. I have had years of therapy around my issues and am still having it currently. I also suffer from anxiety which I take medication for. thanks for your answers, I appreciate the honesty but would now like a little more advice on how to cope with these things, i.e. when I get the separation anxiety, what can I do to help myself? I do find things like meditation and yoga helpful and getting in and around the countryside but I don’t have the time to do these things daily. My bf knows all about my anxiety and sometimes gets the brunt of it, it’s true. Sometimes he is understanding others he hates it and struggles like hell. He does however know that I am a good person and that I am a very loving caring woman, which is why he stays. No-one is perfect. To be honest my anxiety seems to have got worse as I have got older! I will try to book up to see my mates but I think most are already busy or with their partners. It's a bit late notice for a lot of my mates.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): Well i could understand if he was taking off all the time but hes not. You are being way too demanding. Let him spend time with his friends. Why dont you invite your friends over while hes gone? Gosh at least your guy leaves to hang out with his friends. Mine brings his to our house which isnt very big and we have two very small children. He and his friends stay up all night and they get so loud. And i like his friends. But they really make work 4 me dishes etc. Enjoy having some time to yourself. I think would be great for you to take a trip with your friends as well.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 May 2011):
If your relation is overall good, you meet regularly for QT, 2 or 3 times a week, and last time he went on his own was a year ago, yes , definitely you are a bit obsessive, you need to relax your grip .
It wouldn't be bad to accept that invitation to Scotland, hopefully you'd realize that once in while you can have a good time also if you are not glued to your partner.
You seem to think that if a person is in love, then they should not be able to stand being separated from their love object, let alone actively seeking some time apart. Sorry, I don't mean to be rude , but it's the truth : that's the attitude of a 7 -8 months old, they feel a great separation anxiety at that age. If you leave the sight an 8 months old baby for 30 seconds , to go get a drink of water, he'll scream his head off, because he'll feel abandoned and in peril, he does not know you are coming back, and anyway can't conceive yet that there are other objects of care and interest in the world than himself. But that changes in time, and the same child at 12 and 18 months,etc., will be comfortable with longer separation times without feeling frustrated and unloved.
It sounds like you have internalized an "anxious attachment " model, with a very all or nothing vision : if he really loves me, he should love only me, all day , every day.
You can keep that in check with good will, rationality, and self esteem, but if you find yourself really struggling with this issue, talking with a counselor can help a lot.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (23 May 2011):
Yes you are being over demanding if you want the truth. Going away for one weekend a year with his mates is not asking much at all. I agree with you that your relationship probably won't last if you begin making an issue of things like this and restricting his freedom and independence. I suspect that unless you found someone exactly like you, very few relationships would survive in those circumstances. Personally if I had a partner who had a problem with me going away for one weekend a year, I'd leave because I'd feel suffocated. As for going to Scotland, to each their own. If you want to spend the time with him instead because you enjoy it more, that's up to you. Although I would give a thought to how your friends would feel about it and if it would affect your friendship at all.I'd let him go and not mention you're pi***d off about it. From the sounds of it he does spend *most* of his free time (e.g weekends) with you but he just wants to spend this one weekend with his mates. If you can't cope with that then maybe you should find someone more like you. Most people believe in spending the majority of their time with their partner but spending every available second with each other and seemingly having no outside interests is a bit unusual and probably not healthy in the long run.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (23 May 2011):
 Hi
Wow yes you are being very selfish here sorry but true. He wants to go on a weekend trip and your pissed off?yet you want to go scotland for a WEEK, how is that fair. I doubt he will ever move in with you if this is how your going to behave everytime he wants to spend time with the lads. Why dont you plan something for the weekend too? so your mind is on other things , rather than what you think he might get up to.Go see freinds, or stay with a relative who you know you have a lot of fun with, but please dont suffocate your man or you WILL loose him for sure. No you dont have to spend all or most of your free time with your partner, sometimes you need to see freinds to relax, or just have a little you time, have you also heard the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder? so to the point I feel yes you are being the unhealthy part of this relationship, and unless you want him to leave you, then you need to change this and fast!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): It seems that you don't spend a lot of time together, so when you do both have holidays, you want to spend it with him but he doesn't seem to want to the way you do.I don't think your being a bunny boiler, its a bank holiday and you want to have a weekend with him, there is nothing wrong in that. Its also good for a couple to have their own interests and friends and do your own thing.I would go for the holiday with your friends. If he had the choice to go with his mates or with you for a week what do you think he would do?I think you need to change the belief of when your in a relationship you need to spend all your free time with them.You are going to move in together soon so make the most of your time with your friends and go on holiday with them. Why don't you do something with your friends this weekend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 May 2011):
 I think him taking a long week-end with his buddies is a good thing. Specially since the last time he did it was a year ago. Honey, we ALL need a little buddy-time.
Also, taking that week in Scotland with YOUR friends is a good thing. One should never just rely on ones partner for company & entertainment.
Live life a little. I don't think spding every minute you can together is quality time.... but enjoying the time you CAN spend together is. We all need a little space here and there, taking a weekend off or a week to just let your hair down and hang out with people you ALSO care for is a great thing to do.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (23 May 2011):
It sounds like you are overreacting about this and I would be really pissed off if my girlfriend turned around and started making it an issue.
It's really nice to spend bank holidays with your partner but you should give him the freedom to see his friends if that's what he wants to do.
I bet it will be nice for him to have the opportunity to go away with his friends and spend some quality time with them.
Some time apart from each other might actually do you some good. Can you see your friends instead?
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