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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and i have been together for 19 months. We have a new baby which he didn't really want. As a result of this, after leaving hospital I returned home to my parents' house. I am now at their house, but want to return home, however there are things stopping me. My boyfriend spends lots of time on the computer - msn mainly and has met a woman who keeps sending him presents through the post. He said there is nothing to it, but I don't believe him. They text each other daily and he denies it's her. He has another child from a previous relationship and is on good terms with his ex. I feel jelalous of all these women and don't know to believe what he says. He cheated on his ex and I'm worried I am going to give up what I have to be dumped upon and treated badly - what should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, communicatrix +, writes (5 September 2005):
 Looking over the situation as you lay it out, I honestly can't see any advantages in you getting back together with your boyfriend. In addition to there being a lack of trust between you, you'd be returning to someone who's got a bad track record with relationships, you'd be trying to create a family with someone who's flat-out said he doesn't want one.
On top of that, you've got some real issues surrounding jealousy. I've found that the times I've been jealous in a relationship, it was usually a combination of my partner acting in a way that disregarded my feelings and me having pretty low self-worth to begin with. I think you would be much better off staying with your parents until you felt capable of standing on your own two feet than going back to a man with whom you'll be trapped in a vicious circle of ill-treatment and feelings of self-loathing.
The other obvious issue is that you have a child whose father doesn't want him/her—at least, that's what I'm assuming since you said nothing about a big change of heart. I think it's extremely important not to move back in until you are 100% sure he is 100% into being a father. To my mind, that would also include things like making the mother of his child feel loved and cherished by not going online and meeting women who send him presents in the mail.
In other words, take this time apart to find out if this man is really the right partner for you and the best father for your child before you, as you say, give up this good thing you have going. And continue to be grateful that you have loving parents who care enough to give you safe haven in your time of need.
Good luck to you!
A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (5 September 2005):
 I don't understand how this is confusing you. He did not want that baby which was another blessing in life. He is selfish and is an avid internet dater. Sweetheart, your parents are your best bet okay. Stay right where you are, you are safer and you have people who you can trust and who can take care of you okay.Leave that loser alone, you have a sweet baby to concentrate on.
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A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (4 September 2005):
You poor thing, you are just after having a new baby and you are feeling low, confused, insecure, jealous and probably loads of other stuff too. Your boyfriend is not supporting you at all. You must feel so lost and alone. The first thing you do is give your self a minimum of twelve weeks to recover from giving birth and to allow you and the baby to get to know each other. Really focus on this for now. If your boyfriend wants to see you or the baby let him make the effort while you stay cool. Stay put where you are at your parents for at least this long, although if you are getting support from a parent then I would stick it out for six months. If your boyfriend comes to see the baby make use of the time and go and have a bath or go for a walk. If you allow them to bond chances are he will become much more interested in supporting you and giving it a go as a family. The secret to achieving this is to give him and baby alone time. Don't worry he won't break her, babies are tougher than you think.
Remember what you need to focus on now is you getting stronger and getting to know your baby. This is all you really need to fill your head with for the next few months. After that you may find that your perspective has changed and you will not be as vulnerable. Well done to you on the birth of your baby and mind yourself as you are all she has.
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