A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I am a sophomore in college and things were going great the first year but I've slipped into a huge rut this second year. Anyways, I have been in a great relationship for just over 3 years now. She is my high school sweet heart. When I left for college I made the decision to stay with her and do a long distance relationship because I have never cared for someone the way I care about her. So now I live a few hours away and come and see her about once a month or so. For the first year of being away we got really close and things were going amazingly. Now in the second year things feel different. She lost her father not to long ago and ever since has not been the same. I have helped her through this as best I could. I lost my mother when I was in middle school so I mean we relate on that and I help her as best as I can. I know how long grieving takes as I went through it.Anyways she has always been a little bit clingy and dependent on me. Not to a ridiculous point but lately it has been getting worse. She does not keep up with courses. She finds out about tests the day before and has been doing poorly. This frustrates me because I know how tough losing a parent is but she is letting her college grades slip. When she has a paper she tells me the day before and asks for help. I end up writing the whole thing almost like she is not even trying. I feel she has grown complacent knowing that I will always help and I feel taken advantage of. I have my own stuff to worry about and it puts a great deal of stress on me.Lately she has also been completely negative about everything. She never thinks anything is going to go her way and this also brings me down as I hear about it everyday. Again, I know she just lost her father but this is starting to affect me negatively. My grades have been slipping and I'm losing motivation. I love this girl to death but I feel all this negativity is putting a strain on my life. I do so much for her. I spend at least 2-3 hours on the phone with her a day to make sure she is ok and how her day is going. I visit her at least once a month but lately I have been coming to see her more and it costs a lot of gas money and uses my time that I need to keep up with my studies. Now even after all of this going out of my way she still finds ways to nitpick about how I don't come and see her enough and how when I do come up we don't spend enough time. This frustrates me because I do so much for her and still it isn't enough.All of this has been bringing me down and negatively affecting my life. This is a very important time in my life as I need to graduate college and get good grades but with all this negativity surrounding my life I have fallen into a big rut. I love spending time with her and she is an amazing person. I also know deep down this is a phase and I know it wont last forever. But I don't know if I should wait around and help her through it or do what is best for me.I am so confused. I know something needs to change. What do you all think?
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (12 April 2012):
 No, this really is unacceptable.I'm angry for you. Don't do one more assignment for her. you have to withdraw from her needs in this regard, which obvious consequences are that you are 'allowing' her to fail as she would naturally if you weren't doing everything for her.
she has to try harder to do life on her own, and while you are there for guidance and emotional support you are NOT there to live two lives, you are NOT there to be the only thing. my bf once said to me when i was feeling particularly sorry for myself that while he there for me, he was not meant to be my counselor. it was sort of tough love and didn't sit well with me but I did think about the need to be strong enough to support myself sometimes-or at least TRY, i think while that's not lacking here she's just beyond the point of being able to.
Get her convinced to go to counseling, even antidepressants, it sounds like she's given up hope of helping herself and when it gets to that point it is not just an imbalanced relationship but it is parasitic; when you talked to her did you tell her the effect she was having on you and it jeopardizing the relationship as a whole, or is she not able to see that either? there needs to be SOME give and take.
while it sucks that she's going to have a bad transcript, SHE can explain it since it's HER doing and HER responsibility; how do you get to explain your own slipping of grades (if this is happening as a result of you working on her hw)--I was doing someone else's work for them?
Again if I were her I would withdraw, and mom's lack of support would just convince me further that it is not what she can/should be doing without the proper support systems in place. she can keep her job (hopefully you don't double at night as a female cashier) but the rest of this is just not right.when she took a leave of absence last semester, did she have the job, too, or is that new, because 25 hr/wk job is crazy on top of school and her grief, but maybe just taking school out of the equation and adding a little more hours will make it so that it's not just you she has in her life. (doesn't she have any friends she can reach out to?)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I did talk to her about it. I don't know how this slipped my mind but she did take the semester before this one off. When she did take the semester off it was quite frustrating because it felt like all she did was sit around and wait for me to be free to talk.
She has not been very close with her mother as of late and last time she tried talking to her her mother flipped and said that she has it easy and it should be a walk in the park to do school and work. My girlfriend works almost about 25 hours a week and is a full time student.
I don't know where to go from here. I tried talking to her about it and she broke down and said she's tried everything. She has given up on her classes and says there is no point to even going anymore.
I feel like all my attempts to help her has just made her more needy. She almost expects me to help/do her homework everyday. Yesterday again I had to help her on a paper that was due that day. I am almost at my breaking point.
I want to help her so bad. I want the old her back. I know this is only temporary but it has been going on too long. Leaving may have to become a reality I don't know if I can handle.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (12 April 2012):
I think as long as it's not an accusation or even TOO much tough love, she should understand. School is not as important as her wellbeing and she really should just commit 100% to that for the time being. summer's almost here so she might even be ok by the fall.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (12 April 2012):
Oh I'm glad! I hope she takes it okay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you fishdish, you have been very helpful. I am going to talk to her about it and see if she thinks a semester off to unwind and clear her head would be best and I am also going to talk to her family about it so it's not jsut me handling the situation. Your advice was very helpful thanks again.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (11 April 2012):
I think that losing a parent may be good enough reason to withdraw for a semester for 'personal leave', she's not ready to be back there. consider saying while you are there for emotional support you are not there for your academics, as you are enabling her to not deal with her grief/responsibilities. try to tell her not only can she not handle her life right now but YOU can't pick up the slack up, it's too much for you and you care for her deeply and you empathize withe her situation which is why you're saying that you're saying the best thing she could do right now is focus on her self, her grief, and leave school for a bit so she doesn't ruin her grades and future. you're not being fair to either of you if you do everything for her that is not sustainable. anyway try to frame all this in a gentle but firm way and emphasize the impact its having on you/ the relationship. obviously when someone's in need, there's going to be an imbalance in terms of emotional needs, but it's bordering on taking advantage, even if she's not all there to realize the toll it's taking on you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the replies. I just feel like if I leave I will regret not sticking it out in the future. I DO want a future with her but I am concerned about how she is affecting my future negatively at the moment. I don't want to leave when it gets rough, we have had rough times before and always got through them. This time it has hit me hard and is affecting multiple aspects of my life. I try to help her as best I can but the series of events keep repeating and I don't know how long I can do this. Losing her would be the one of the hardest things I would have to do.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (11 April 2012):
I would consider reaching out to other family members (her mom or sibilings) to let them know that she's taking it particularly hard and needs extra familial support because you are doing as much as you can but you are spread very thin.
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A
female
reader, Wisdom  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 Sounds lieks she needs some professional help in getting her life back on track. Not somehting you can give her... suggest counselling?
Whatever your choice is you must remember that you have to come first. You are young and you only get one shot at life so make sure you enjoy as much of it as you can
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 I personally think that she has to try to overcome her own grief. You can be there for her, but you can't keep things to the point you have taken them. You're making her dependent on you and that is not right.
Do your own stuff first, and then help her. Sorry, there is no other way. Of course, if she should fall into serious problems, you would need to be there for her. But things like writing her own papers should fall to her. She needs to keep on living.
Maybe this is obvious, but, why don't you try telling her that her father would not like her to ruin her life this way?
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