A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a wonderful girlfriend, and things are going really well between us. A few years ago, she came out of a bad relationship where the guy she was with would insult her, call her 'stupid', a 'whore'- that sort of vile language, and slapping was part of her sexual routine at that point. Out of the blue a few nights ago, she slapped me in the face and i asked her what she was doing. She told me it was normal and I became rather upset, as I HATE the idea of any sort of violence or simulated violence in the bedroom- period. we talked for a little while, and she broke down about it.When I talked to her further about it, she told me that she wasn't sure why she slapped me- that a part of her had let that activity become 'normalized', but seemed to be more of a product of him trying to control her. She told me that she realized that this wasn't something she enjoyed and we talked about what OUR idea of healthy sex was- which included being 'equals'. I feel that part of her may still enjoy the activity of face slapping because she associates it with sex, but also makes her very upset because she knows that she never was really into it. She said she didn't know why she slapped me and that part of the reason might have been to test me to see if every guy was like this. The problem is now with me. I have a hard time beleiving her. I know I should and I know I need to trust her, but I find it so hard to drop the issue. I love this girl and want to let her put her past in the past. I keep worrying that she is just dropping that part of her sexual behavior 'for' me, but she assures me that if it was part of what she liked she would be upfront with me.Any advice on getting over this and learning to trust her? I know I should, but my brain will not drop it.I feel like even if she still has some 'like' of the face slapping- it will now just remind her of her ex, which she doesn't want, and she doesn't want it as part of our relationship.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 Ask any domestic violence victim - violence often starts slow. I am looking at the progression.
A slap might seem playful but it still startled you.
The next time might be verbal sarcasm. That is still mean.
If it gives her pleasure then the next slap might be harder.
You described the start.
And I visualised the progression.
A good rule in life is to look at situations and say, 'Think what this could become?' - especially if the intensity escalated.
Often victims of domestic violence then go on to defend the aggressor with comments like, 'but he/she really loves me, she didn't mean to .....' (use the knife on me/hit me with the frypan/runover my foot in the driveway/ attacked me with the .....)
You must have seen examples that start with a small bruise. And a year later the person is in hospital with a broken arm.
we never want to see the one we love as capable of bad things. But a slap is a slap. Playful or not it is potentially the start of a slippery slope into unacceptable actions that hurt the ones they profess to love.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should clarify that the slap was not a hurtful one, but a 'playful' one. I think her view of it was that it was normal and common because her only sexual partner made it part of their relationship.
She did not, nor would ever, be violent towards me.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 April 2012):
No No No No. She should not resort to violence. Assault is not loving. It is abusive.
Yes there are people who enjoy hurting other. That is not you
Maybe she has been on her ‘Sunday best’ behaviour while she got to know you. Maybe she still gets a thrill from being abusive.
This is going no where good.
Assault is not normal.
And you have the right to ask for what you want and need. And to reject what you will not tolerate.
I do think there may be something in this. Due to so many reunions at the airport I get really happy when approaching an airport and I know it is because of memories of the past. Sounds like you either need to try discussing this with her to ascertain if she needs violence in her life. You already know you do not want violence in your life.
There are some excellent sex therapists in Canada. But you could also consider reading one of the books that are being written to help men cope with violence from a women in a relationship.
Such violence is traumatic for men and here is a site with some great reading matter:
. http://menstuff.org/books/byissue/womensviolence.html
Maybe you cannot always be equal in everything but you certainly need equity in your relationship - fairness. Fair for you and fair for her with a big dose of respect thrown in the middle for you to share our fairly with each other.
I agree it is a little hard to believe her excuse. I think she was testing you to see if it excited you. If it had then it is likely that the slapping, humiliation and violence would start to escalate and where would it end. There are more hospital admission today coping with men brought in with all manner of injuries inflicted not by other men in a fight, but by cruel abusive women who get a thrill out of humiliating and traumatising a man. It does not sound like fun to me.
If you do not like this abuse then I for one do not think you need to put up with it. And while you negotiate these issues insist that any violence be put on hold.
If she is threatened by being denied the right to occasionally be violently abusive towards you then this relationship may need a makeover, or, it may be time to say goodbye to her
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