A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing this man for almost three years now. He is perfect. He is kind, caring considerate, attentive, loving, great in the sack the problem is he is married. He has a child from the previous marriage and states he can't leave his new wife until his daughter graduates from high school. We see each other multiple times a week and we talk daily. His wife has questioned him about me but he denies the subject he says in five years he is going to leave her and I believe him should I wait? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): In my opinion, this is a no brainer. No, you do not wait. Stop and let's think about this married man and his character. If he really did love and value you, he would leave his wife, immediately to be with you...plain and simple. And what about his sense of committment? He is married to a woman and has a family with her and yet, he can't even seem to commit to that? If he can't cherish the very people he has built a long life with, such as his kids and wife...how is he going to do that with you over the long term? Asking you to wait five years, while boinking you on the side, in the time being...is in my books just an invitation for him to degrade you and a man can never respect such a woman, who would agree to such an outrageous plan. If this man does not hold you on a pedestal of respect, and end his marriage promptly, then he's a selfish cad and there is no future in this relationship for you. If you let this man manipulate you, and ask you to waste 5 years waiting for him, being the mistress here, one morning he will wake up and think you are not good enough for him. He will see another woman as his prize, and you, sweety, will be expendable.
Tell him this idea won't fly and remember, loving a man who could even ask you to do this, is not 'love' at all. He justs wants a honey on the side and I think you have fallen hook line and sinker, for his charm. You are being conned, hun...and this is not a healthy, good situation for you. End this today. Heal, recover and move on. You will hurt like hell for a while, but you will find some sense of pride and respect for yourself, eventually. Don't allow his persuasive words to be connected to your sense of self-worth. Say a final goodbye to him and move into a happy future with another unattached, nice man. And it will happen. Good luck in your decison, hun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): In a word... No. That's insanity. That's him telling you to put your entire life on hold for something he MIGHT do in the future. Not WILL do, but might, no matter what claims he make. If he loves you that much, he'd be willing to leave his wife and family, right now, today.
Don't you fool yourself. 5 years means 5 more years of memories with his loving family and making love to his wife. 5 more years where they can conceive another child together. And what would happen then? You're supposed to hang around until that kid hits 18?
In the meantime, you'd be turning away from probably hundreds of great, single available men who'll be asking themselves why do women always go for the jerks and the good guys are left standing off to the side.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (4 February 2009):
 This is going to sound mean but you do not deserve anything from this guy now or ever. If he represents what you believe is "perfect", your expectations are way too low. So are his. If you wait five years and he doesn't leave his wife, you'll be writing another letter about how hurt you feel. What do you think his wife would say if she was writing a letter to Dear Cupid? Would she say that some woman is trying to destroy her marriage. Would she say that her husband is sleeping with another woman and that she is concerned about sexually transmitted diseases? Would she say that she can not understand why the man who is supposed to love her is being unfaithful to his wife and kids?
Do you see my point? What you are involved in is not a good thing. Just because it happens all the time, that doesn't make it good. It's like asking if you steal a car and wait five years, does that make it OK. No, it does not. If you are the type of person who only cares about thenself then nothing I've told you will matter. Learn from the mistake you've made and move on in a positive way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): You may only have 5yrs to live,would you spend it waiting?
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female
reader, chardonnay  +, writes (4 February 2009):
if he truely loved you he would leave his wife straight away! using his daughter as an excuse for him not leaving his wife is wrong. Most children would understand a divorce if their parents werent happy, as they would see it. So surely if she hasn't noticed then he must still be intimate with his wife. Meaning that he is lying to both of you. You have to ask yourself, would it be more worth while to wait 5 years for somethin which may never come truth? or should i just cut my losses and find a single man who i wont have to wait 5 years for?
Remember 5 years is along time and in that time you could easyily have settled down and married some1 else, so why waste your life? he may only do the same thing to u! a lepord never changes its spots!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): The five yrs bit has got me thinking. It gives him ALOT of time to see what is going to happen. I think he is keeping his options open, and he may love you, but he's in a bit of a hard situation. He does not want trouble from his wife or disappointment from his daughter.
You could wait and see what happens, but it may be a long wait, and you might get fed up waiting, then be annoyed with yourself that you waited so long. I think you should change your direction in life and make yourself a little less available for him, get a new interest, do a course, make him see you do not rely on him for happiness, and he may act more quickly, or he may like this independence. who knows?
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female
reader, didda123 +, writes (4 February 2009):
 I am sure your boyfriend does love you but 5 years! i think that is a little unreasonable surely you are not going to continue this sort of life for so long, you are wasting your best years and could settle down with someone who deserves you and start a family do you not want that?
You could be happy with someone who puts you as number 1 and loves only you by that time.
I know it is difficult when you get involved in these situations and you have been flattered by his attentions which he will lavish on you and you have become truly involved with him believing you love him and he loves you which is more than likely correct.
I would suggest you tell him how you feel about him and that you are not happy with the idea of waiting 5 years for him to come to a decision which he may not infact reach. Tell him you will give him a few months at the most to make up his mind, set yourself a date and if he hasn't made any headway to achieve your goals then i would end the relationship honestly!
Start going out more with your friends this in itself may spur him on but there is the risk he may become torn between his wife and you and you honestly don't want him going from one to the other like a headless chicken which i know from experience can happen.
You will have to be very strong to end your relationship but if things were mean't to be i am sure they will be but you will feel much better with yourself knowing you have took control of the situation.
Good luck x
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female
reader, HeartASHXOXO +, writes (4 February 2009):
No leave him now.It is absolutly immorall to do what you BOTH are takin part of.... i was very closely involved in a situation like this that someone i knew was dealing with. I was furious w/ her b/c she knew he was married and then when he just left her w/ out a care... and she believed he was soo devoted.. she was crushed. and i couldnt feel sorry for her becasue what she was doin was Wrong Wrong WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): I would not wait for him not to leave his wife.Maybe he loves you and it would work out but do you really want to wait that long to find out? Think about how heart broken you will be when that time comes and he does not leave his wife.You will have wasted years with him.I would let him know that you love him but you will have to move on. Let him know that when his daughter turns 18 and after he has divorced to look you up. If you have not already met someone else maybe the two of you can start dating and see where things go from there.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (4 February 2009):
 He said he would be true to her until death took them apart. She believed him.
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (4 February 2009):
 This is a fairly typical situation with a man who simply cannot be faithful to his wife and family. So he messes around until he finds a single woman, or even an unsatisfied married woman, who falls for him beyond just another romp in the hay. Voila! He then has a mistress to fulfill his sexual needs, perhaps in addition to his wife at home. In some cases, he may not even be able to satisfy his own wife. That would be typical for some men especially if the sex you provide is primarily oral. But in any case, he strings the mistress along as a sex playmate until, 1) she finally figures this out, or 2) the wife nails him over it, or 3) he gets tired of the playmate and dumps her for another. One way or another, the odds are in large favor that such is the case here.
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male
reader, aman +, writes (4 February 2009):
What makes you think he won't leave YOU for another woman. He was willing to do it once already. He is NOT perfect if he is cheating on his wife.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2009): You idiot! read back your question and you'll find the correct anwser! if you trully believed he would leave his wife in five years you would not be on here!!!!
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