A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am studying abroad right now and realized I like a girl here. The thing is this girl has a boyfriend. She has been dating him for about 7 months or so, but he moved to another part of the country about 4 months ago. She talks to him a lot, and I think she likes him and vice versa. I will only be here for 2 more months. I am hanging out with her more and more and every time I do I like her more and more. Another major thing is she will be coming to my university next year.I am 23 years old and she is 20. I am not sure exactly how she feels about me. I am not too good at reading these things so well because I never really had a girlfriend before.What should I do? I want to date her and be her boyfriend. She is currently in a long distance relationship, and it will even be farther when she goes to my University. Should I tell her how I feel, or would that risk loosing the friendship? Should I just continue being her friend and wait until she comes to my school and tell her then? Or should I just forget it.Like I said I haven't had a girlfriend and really dated much. I really do want a girlfriend, and this girl seems great. Any advice?
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has a boyfriend, long distance, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Insatiable +, writes (30 March 2010):
I'm going to be as honest as I can.
Don't break them up and don't come between them. I've been in a long distance relationship, and I've had some guy friends try to come between it. After they attempted, I absolutely hated them for it.
If you really like her, then you'll want her to be happy. Don't be selfish asshole and just split them up for your own purposes.
Spend time with her, be there for her, and just be a good friend. If you're meant to be, then she'll fall for you. But don't go out of your way to make sure that happens.
But realize this... If you try to take her away and she rejects you, then you lose both a friendship and the only chance you get, ever, to be her loved one.
So think carefully about what you're doing. I mean, if you want to be a selfish bastard, then go right ahead.
A
male
reader, doy +, writes (19 December 2008):
Don't go there my friend! no matter what it will hurt you in a long run. Be in a safe side,it's not easy but its for your own good.
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A
male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Just dont understimate what can happen between you.
Let me tell you my story, and I'm just (still not) recovering from it.
I was working in dubai, and i met a cute chinese girl, I did everything right with her, was nice and all, and i think she's good looking... I was hoping I'll get a chance with her... We had a drink together, then another time a chat at her place...
A couple of week later I learned that I was fired from my job, and that i had one month left in the country to pack my stuff...
I went to that girl the same night and we had sex for the 1st time. I knew she had a 7 month boyfriend.. but i thought... it's not fair, i never get to sleep with girls... i cant miss this opportunity.
Then i came back.. and back.... then we started spending most of our time together, and sleeping together whenever we could... to try to make the best out of the time that was left... going out... eating together.. shopping
She got pretty attached, telling me that she missed me when she was out of the country, I didnt tell her to leave her bf, because I didnt know if i could be trusted... i mean this is my first gf ever, and i was leaving the country... i thought better for her if she goes back to her bf when i leave. I didnt think i was attached to her. I thought i could leave and not care.
She got in fights with her bf... their relationship went bad, and she grew very attached to me. When I finally left the country, she told me on the phone that she misses me and wanted something serious with me (in other words... take the place of her bf).. There my commitment phobia kicked in and i ran away from her.
I had undersetimated how much i was attached to her. I dont know about her... I know she was still answering and missing me a week later, but it took me 8 days to get in a semi funcionnal state, i spent these thinking about her and wanting to call but being too afraid to. Then i weeped.... Then she went back to her country for vacation... and i heard she got back with her boyfriend... and i had to sit here while she was getting off with him...
I thought i could be over her in 2 days... what an idiot i was...
Bottom line, if you have a history of good relationships, and are ready to have something serious... then do try.
Those kind of relationships tend to go very fast, because the time is limited, but then they're not very solid due to the speed... So take it easy and slow.
But respect yourself and dont accept to stay too long with her unless she dumps her other boyfriend. You dont want to appear as weak and be used.
On the other hand if you're planning for this to end in 2 monthes, then do everyone a favour, and let her be. You'll save tremendous heartache for her, you and her boyfriend...
Just look at your relationship history. If you have a history of running away from commitment, then you probably will dump her after 2 monthes, so better stay away.
Anyway you dont even know if she will sleep with you. Wait and see. If she sleeps with you just one time, you can still pull away without too much damage. But if you want to sleep with her a second and third time... think ....
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A
male
reader, bobbay123  +, writes (2 June 2008):
Sounds like she's a tough girl to work out.
Well if she's in a solid long distance relationship and you really dont want to hurt her feelings then I think you should calmly move along, but obviously keep a good grasp on your friendship. In future you may return to her with a little more experience under your belt.
I mean, it does seem like this long distance relationship will all come to an end eventually, so maybe sometime in the future.
I'd just take every opportunity you have to date a girl.
If you speak to many girls, and you like any of them, just try your chances. Whats the worst that could happen?
Well, actually with enough denials from Women your confidence and enthusiasm will have gone down the drain so just try and get the right girl and if she's single and your good friends just ask her if she'd like to go on a date and don't throw away a valuable opportunity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, basically this reconfirms what I thought. I like this girl, and I don't want to make her unhappy. I also don't want to make her face a decision like this. I never really intended to break them up, and I value her friendship above all.
I talked with her about her boyfriend before. It was a conversation that a friend actually started. She told me how they met, and that he asked her to be his girlfriend and she said yes. This was in another language (the conversation) and her answer of yes can be translated as "sure why not." So from my understanding she just wanted a boyfriend, and didn't have deep interests in him. She understands it will be difficult but she says she will try.
The reason why I am not sure if she likes me, or liked me in a romantic way is because she knew me when she was single. It could be possible because of my shy nature that she thought I may not have been interested in her. The truth was though, at that time I didn't really know her that well, the time when she was still single. I have known her about 8 months, and she has known her boyfriend for less time that that. I figure if she liked me maybe she would have said "no" to him in hopes that I eventually would ask her. Hard to say. Since her culture usually women are quite passive.
Also I have been going to Uni for 4 years and haven't found a girl or dated at all. It always bothered me a little, but now because of my age (23) it is starting to bother me more. I definitely want to start getting experience and meeting people so by the time I am about 26 maybe I can have a good relationship going and find a person I am happy with. I am very shy though, and because of this am starting the game late.
Anyway thanks for your responses. BTW I never intended to tell her to break up with her boyfriend, I was just wondering if it would be a good Idea to tell her I like her. I think eventually she may just get the idea because I can not help but help her all the time and ask her how she is doing. But from what I understand maybe I should leave this decision to her, although like I said she is somewhat passive in that sense.
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (1 June 2008):
 Don't try and break them apart. She may end up turning against you for meddling in something that does not concern you.
I've been in a long dist relationship and if I found out someone was trying to weedle themselves in on me, I'd tell them where to go. So tred carfeully. She may see you as nothing more than a friend.
You know what to do.
Do what you know is right.
Take care x
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A
female
reader, toni246 +, writes (1 June 2008):
I wouldnt do anything because you cant interfer in her relationship. If you want to tell her how you feel think of the consequences and that should stop you. You can still hang about with her and she might find you more and more appealing but its her choice of how she feels towards you and its her choice. It would be a huge decision if you tell her how you feel and there is more of a chance that she will pick her boyfriend because of how long she has been with him and known him while she hasnt only met you a couple of months ago. When she does come to your university see if she is with her boyfriend then and if not tell her otherwise leave it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): Are you nuts? Im in a LD relationship. My bff tried to steal me and i was pissed. Find sum one else
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A
female
reader, x..BabyGirl..x +, writes (1 June 2008):
 Don't try and break her apart from him, it'll drive her away from you, long distance relationships don't usually work, good news for you, but not such for her, cracks will begin to appear and maybe they'll split up without your help, but then she may see you as her shoulder to cry on instead of her potential next boyfriend. I think you're in a catch 22 position, possibly lose-lose situation instead of the lose-win situation you need!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): You want a gf...go find one. Not one who is attached! Why don't you reach deep inside and grab at your convictions and rethink what you are thinking of doing here. Be her friend, only and never, ever mess with her life and relationship. That has got to be the most uncaring, self-involved things to do! And it doesn't say much about your integrity, if you did this. I am at a loss to understand this but...somehow, people become so convinced about what they're entitled to something or someone, they completely lose sight of what they are responsible for. They live by that stupid rationale that "It doesn't matter who gets hurt, as long as we get what we want." Well, it does matter. Leave her alone and let her live her life. And ...if she and her bf break up, give her a chance to recover (she will need that) and then make your move. But not before.
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A
male
reader, bobbay123 +, writes (1 June 2008):
If you wait it out, you'll probably see a new girl in Uni who you like more, and may completely forget about this girl.
You probably don't like the sound of this, but in the long run it'll probably be better.
I feel that if you told her you like her, and would like her to break up with her old boyfriend, then she would probably brush you off and probably never see you again.
Since your friendship is growing, I'd ask her how she feels about her boyfriend and this long distance relationship.
Listen to what she says too, take good note, and return to DearCupid and let us know her response.
If she ever gets emotional throughout or needs some support or a response from you then let her know that you're there for her.
Long distance relationships are tough, and when you have the opposite sex around you (especially friends) it can become tough to keep faithful to your lover.
She may realise that she needs you instead of him or she may cheat on him with you. Neither are too kind but it's a wild world and I've seen bigger shit go down.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (1 June 2008):
 Just let her see the real you. Spend time with her and be there for her and who knows she may grow to really like you. Dont try and deliberatley break her up from the other guy but you may find her relationship with him wanes a bit when she is away from him for much longer. Im not sure if I would tell her yet but wait until she is at your uni and see if she is still with this other guy x
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (1 June 2008):
If I was in her position and you came and told me you wanted me to leave my boyfriend and go out with you instead, then I would politely tell you that I have a boyfriend, and that I can't be friends with you any more if that is how you feel.
Please don't tell her you like her like that, or try and steal her away.
If you are going to be going to the same uni as her then just stay her friend and wait and hope that she will break up with her boyfriend.
You will meet hundreds of new people when you go to uni, so you might find other girls you like more anyway.
Good Luck!! xx
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