A
male
age
30-35,
*nelostsoul92
writes:I'd like to ask for some opinions, any opinions at all, from an outside point of view. I just can't think straight without determining whether I'm too emotional or just plain paranoid at this point.I'm 24, and have been with my girlfriend (same age) for a little under a year. Our relationship moved very quickly, and I came to love her as much as she loved me. After half a year, we moved in together and last month we became engaged. We are currently renting an apartment, but we're hoping to buy a house together by the end of the year.Like all couples do, we have experienced ups and downs, good and bad. But yesterday, she did something that I find very hard to forgive.She lied blatantly to my face. Not once, not twice, but several times, until she realized that she was caught red-handed in a lie that she could not get out of. Here's what happened: We were in the bedroom together. I reached over on the nightstand and pressed her iPhone to see what time it was. I noticed a text from some guy, nothing unusual, and disregarded it.Fast forward an hour or so, I check her phone and notice that the particular message received had been deleted. The message, if I recall, was, "I can try." I could still see a chat history between my girlfriend and this mystery man, we'll call him M. I did not bother to read through it, but my gut told me something was up. I confronted her about it, asking if she ever deleted any of her messages; she denied it, time after time after time. Finally, she came clean and told me that the reason she messaged and deleted this guy was because she was asking to borrow money from him, and was embarrassed that I would find out.Apparently, she didn't want to disappoint me because we both agreed that we were going to buy a house together, 50/50, and she wanted to provide her half for the house. Oddly though, this did not make sense to me, because I know she currently owns a house and more than enough in stocks, which she could just liquidate and use to pay for half of the house. She continued that the stocks she invested in dropped significantly and that she would rather borrow money than come out at a loss....She told me she messaged 3 guys in total, one of which, had previously borrowed money from her in the past (we're talking increments under $15,000). She said that she did not have any romantic history with any of these men.At this point, I was already pretty livid that she lied to my face, or that she felt embarrassed to keep something like this from me. How can I trust her if she can't even tell me what she can or cannot afford in such a huge step in our lives? Could she have lied and deleted messages with other guys in the past? Things are not looking positive right now, and to add, I am a very paranoid and prideful individual. How do I know if she was indeed borrowing money from these people, or if there is something else going on? How can I marry someone that I cannot trust?She has never cheated on me or lied to be before (at least as far as I know).After arguing with her on this subject and her swearing that she was telling the truth, she began crying and telling me that she didn't want to disappoint me and that she really wanted to buy a home with me.I love her, and I believe that she loves me, but being the paranoid individual that I am, I don't know if I can get past this situation. Should I trust her and continue with our relationship or make both of our lives easier and just break it off now? Any and all thoughts/suggestions or personal experience would be so helpful.
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cheated on me, engaged, money, moved in, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, onelostsoul92 +, writes (23 September 2015):
onelostsoul92 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Autumn - Thanks for your very detailed and helpful reply. It's been a month now and we are still together. It hasn't been the easiest of times, but we're making it work, as I'm slowly learning to trust her again, while all the while learning to take it easy on my 'paranoia' and relax a bit.
@MSA - Thanks for your reply! It seems like she is really making an effort to earn back my trust. She gave me all the passwords to her e-mail accounts and phone messaging apps, and while I realize this is not the most orthodox method of dealing with the situation, it reassures me that she is willing to do whatever it take to earn back my trust.
A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (28 August 2015):
 I understand how you feel as I've been in your situation before. Every thing seems to be fine and you truly trust this person... then you catch them in a lie and notice deleted messages etc. The first break of your trust and then you wonder what else they are lying to you about, what other messages have they deleted.No matter what they say, how they explain the situation, you will still wonder.. you will still suspect.It takes time... maybe a long time to regain that trust again. In the meantime, I would say to monitor her actions. If you suspect something, just ask her to show you her phone. You have to be upfront with her and deal with your thoughts or feelings immediately and directly. If you feel she is getting a weird message from some guy, ask her to show you the message immediately. If you suspect something, ask her about it right away. Hopefully, her answers, and her actions will prove to regain your trust soon.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2015): I think you should have read the whole conversation... Who is this guy. To her anyway... Why would he lend her money ( if that even is true) if there weren't any romantic element. I personally think the money issue is the least of your problems. Nect time you see her phone all of their messages will probably conveniently have vanished...
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A
female
reader, autumnsand  +, writes (27 August 2015):
 Hello. I can understand that you would be finding it hard to trust your girlfriend right now. You are right, it isn't really a good start to things, to lie about something like this.I can also understand your thoughts and worries, about whether she has lied about anything else, whether she is being honest now, etc.From what you have said in your question, it sounds like things were okay before this. Yes, you have had ups and downs, but you don't mention anything major happening. Until this.This must be a blow for you. It does sound to me like she just really wanted to do things right and felt embarrassed to tell you the truth. I'm not saying that is okay, as it is really important to be open and honest in any relationship. I'm just wondering if this has all been a regrettable mistake on her part. It sounds like she wanted to get things right, but by not being honest she has unfortunately made things difficult.In regards as to what you should do, I think it depends on whether you think you can continue things with her. Would you be willing to try? If so, I think you need to talk to her and make it clear that you expect honesty from now on, no matter what it is about, and even if she is worried about upsetting you with something. I'm not saying it will be easy, as I'm sure you will continue to feel suspicious for a while, which is only natural. There will be a lot of work to do on rebuilding trust.Would you be willing to try? Or is this something you feel you cannot get past? Would it be possible to perhaps take a break for a while to get some space? If you do decide to stay together and give things another try, I think that, whilst expecting honesty from her, you will also need to try and curb any temptation to do things like check her phone for messages, etc. I'm not trying to say you would do that, but when you are unsure whether you can trust someone it can be very tempting to try and "check up" on them. As hard as it will be, it will have to be a two-way thing.If you really don't think you can get past this though, and cannot give her the benefit of the doubt, then you know yourself better than anyone else. If you don't think you can trust her again, then to me the relationship is already in a very bad place, as without trust no relationship can breathe. Although ending things may seem hard or drastic, it may save a lot of heartache and pain if you really think this has ruined things between you.It is a really difficult one, and I feel for you. I advise that you take your time in making a decision and don't rush into anything. I hope you are able to make progress with this. Good luck.
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