A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles,I saw a message on my finance phone whom I have been in a relationship with for the last 4 years which as really upset me. The message were between him and his friend and said along the line of shall we have a threesome with this girl (a fellow employee) and my partner saying glad you didn't say that on the message stream (in relation to a group message re by partner leaving the armed forces party -RAF) but yeah ok. The message then talked vulgarly about positions they could try as they they engage in sexual acts (in more vulgar terms). I comfronted him and he said he was very sorry that his freind initated the conversation it didn't mean anything and it was just banter that he deeply regreted and didnt have any intentions of cheating on me and seeing me upset made him realise how childish and vulgar they were being. What do you think people? I now don't feel as trusting towards him and feel in turmoil. I believe him but I also have a nagging doubt!Help!! xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2015): dear fellow woman, I have also gone through a recent turmoil. i left my lover of 6 years after finding a similar message thread between him and his friend just 5 days ago!now that i have taken the decision im really relieved. ive built so much confidence in his cheating, i found every evidence to clarify that it wasn't 'boytalk'. when i confronted, he messed up in the lies he was saying..and that too i found out he cheated 3 years back.I suggest you do the same and look for a man who has respect for women. IMO it is not about immaturity or maturity, even a 50 year old man can be disrespectful to women , though he is old enough to be 'mature'. IMHO, immaturity should reflect in one's innocence, not in having threesomes or talks about the same when you have a fiance!These men we both dated are clearly getting pleasure out of showing off to their male friends and having sexual acts to upgrade their ego. They are the ones who score women, the ones who boast about their catches. Their mind is limited to that level. This causes serious disability in their loyality. Such men will go along the lines in talks one day and go along with the act physically another day! just to pump up their ego. similar to women who sleep around because they have self esteem issues. No matter how much you rub his ego, he will seek the approval of such cheap mates and do what they say, at first for approval and once tasted, for fun. They are not men meant for those of us who want to make a family. We shouldn't give our love and care to men that don't deserve it.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 August 2015):
 Yes this seems like a deal breaker for me and no, I don't think I'm over-reacting when I say this. A relationship is sacred and has a sanctity and in my book, talk like this is unacceptable and cheap. I don't know how or under what circumstances this could pass off as boy-talk. Maybe he wouldn't have acted on it but my point is, why talk about all this then? Till yesterday you didn't think he could even talk like this and now he did. What's to say he wouldn't do it of he came across the opportunity?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2015): So you shouldn't have snooped at the phone, but you did and you found something. If you had doubts enough already to look for something it doesn't sound too good. It might have been banter but it might not. You won't know, do you trust them in general otherwise? I also checked an exs phone because I thought they were up to something and I was right. I never snooped with anyone else as I had no reason to think they were messing me about. I think you have to be honest with yourself- are you feeling uncomfortable about this? Personally if it was me I couldn't get over it, I'm not sure I would trust them again and that would kill the relationship for me.
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A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (27 August 2015):
 I agree that his chat with his friends is wrong.
Now, the question is - do you want to break up with him over this incident? Is this a deal breaker for you? You need to figure that out.
Thing is, you are physically with him every day.. you WILL KNOW if he and his friends end up in the said 'threesome'. YOU WILL know if he cheats on you.
So, for me, if it was chit chat with his friends (yes, it's wrong) and he never acted on it.. I find that forgivable.
He admitted what he did was wrong, he apologized. Now, you need to stop thinking about it and let it go... if you still want to be in a relationship with him that is.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 August 2015):
 Thinking back to the days when I dated, if I saw a message like that if I'd been dating the guy for ages, then it would be a deal breaker.
It would tell me things about the guy that he'd hidden from me, such as predatory disrespectful attitudes towards women.
He is aware it is wrong (hence the relief the message was not during the ''message stream''. So his sense of wrong kicked in but not enough.
He certainly would not pass muster as an ambassador in the ''White Ribbon'' movement /organization for men.
He did not show mental strength when his friend suggested they do this.
He was part of the discussion and he went along with it, suggesting that he is easily led.
He did not admonish his friend for suggesting it in the first place.
Because his friend was suggesting something that constitued cheating on your fiance's part and that did not seem to bother him.
All this, if it were me, would cause me to question his moral compass.
Would cause me to question if he really was a man of integrity.
And would cause me to doubt that I really was in sync with his values and attitudes.
To me this would constitute a real turning point where I would have lost respect for him and have felt that things were amounting to a guy I would prefer to not date.
I'd also be wondering if he's done this before, unbeknown to me, and which he's kept secret.
His behaviour and his reactions underlying his values and attitudes would be the deal breaker for me.
But it's now up to you to decide what you will put up with and tolerate and what you can accept in a partner, long term.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2015): As the OP Yourwish your advice hasn't been helpful at all. My concern wasn't about my trust issues and you haven't actually offered any good advice.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 August 2015):
 You should be in turmoil about violating your boyfriend's privacy. You should not go snooping on people's phones! That's a violation of trust, and you went digging through messages on there. Getting into a relationship with someone doesn't entitle either partner to surrender all privacy to satisfy trust issues.
What you saw was stupid immature locker room banter, the same as when two women are talking about how they'd climb the hot male server like a tree and hoping if he could serve all night, what else could he "keep up" all night. I believe your fiance that he wasn't about to go cheating. But face it though, in a private aside to a buddy, even "taken" people are human beings. So he didn't say something along the lines of "No, my co-worker isn't hot, and all I need are the arms of my loving fiance". So he went along with the locker room talk. You didn't see any plans to go HAVE the threesome, and you didn't see any texts from him to HER flirting and sexual banter.
You need to deal with your violation of trust, because if your doubts of him, you committed a pretty serious offense against the relationship. The ends do not justify the means, even if some people catch their partners by snooping. It is no excuse, and I'd be counseling HIM to change all of his passwords and lock his phone. Would you want him to open you purse, dig through all of the contents, open your pocketbook and take note of your bank accounts and credit cards? No way! The smart phone IS the new wallet, complete with it being a pay tool now!
You had nothing to worry about with your fiance's immature locker room crap with his friend. Now he has something to worry about with you. You two need to talk about boundaries and hope to salvage what happened here. Don't go looking for a reason to distrust someone, or you might just bite off more than you can chew.
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