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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Last night I went to a bar with my boyfriend, we went to order the drinks and the bartender was an old man. After that we sat in a table and were talking, all of a sudden my boyfriend started saying bad things to me, he said i was a bitch and go there at the bar cause you clearly want to so much. I was so surprised, I totally was not even looking at that old man!And had no kind of interest in him, it seemed really weird he would even think that. So we left and I asked what had I done to upset him, he said i'm a bitch and have the style of a bitch and he can never go with me anywhere because I embarrass him and that this would never happen with a girl from his country (he comes from another country). I don't know what to do, he has said similar kind of thing sometimes in the past but i though he had grown up and understood that it's definitely not like that way, I would never look at anyone in that way, I love him and definitely not an old man. What do you think? Should I tolerate this, it just feels really bad to hear him saying these things, cause i know in my heart it's not true and i'm not like this.. But why does he do this, i havent given him any reason i have never cheated on him... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): Yes It is abuse, the term 'Gas-lighting' comes to mind.If you won't leave him, at least know what the red flags are and how to recognise them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2013): My ex made this kind of situation happen lots of times. He'd explode for no reason, and sometimes it even felt like he wanted an excuse to leave the place or something.
I put up with that for too long, and believe me, not worth it. He'll just keep on disappointing you and treating you like crap.
Get away from him.
YOU DESERVE MORE.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): This is abuse, dont let him carry on like this. Walk away from this man. Things will only go from bad to worse with him. A nasty comment here and there and then it could progress to a slap!
Finish with him.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (25 May 2013):
If the guy who is supposed to love me talked to me like that I'd superglue his lips shut in his sleep.
Seriously, you should not put up with this. If your best friend told you her boyfriend treated her like this, would you think that's acceptable? I think not. You'd think she deserves better. Well, so do you.
He's an asshole with anger management and control issues and he's not worth one minute of your time. There are tons of decent people out there who would cherish you and give you the attention you deserve. Dump this bastard before he starts hitting you with his fists instead of his words.
Again, I can't repeat this enough: NEVER, ever put up with someone insulting you and putting you down. You should have more self respect than that.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 May 2013):
 The key to your entire submittal is this phrase:
"...he has said similar kind of thing sometimes in the past ..."
You could give him a "pass" for being an a$shole, ONCE.
A SECOND time was 'way too much.... if, this was the THIRD or more-th time... then it's time to dump him....
NO girl has to put up with that kind of speaking and behaviour....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): People criticize in others the very weaknesses they hate about themselves. Your boyfriend is an a**hole so he calls you a bitch at a perceived slight. He probably has a wandering eye so he accuses you of having one. Your boyfriend is weak and he is abusing you. He does this because you let him. That's not to say it is your fault. The reason he abuses you has to do with hatred within himself, nothing you did. But not standing up for yourself and immediately telling him to jump in a lake gives him more and more power each time to take advantage of your niceness and use you as his punching bag. I've been in abusive relationships before and it is very confusing because they are so nice and everything seems great and out of nowhere they become vicious and horrible. And your own logic makes you ask yourself what you did wrong, naturally. Its like if your best friend suddenly became nasty, your natural reaction would be to ask what you did to upset her. Most likely she would tell you what you did that hurt her, you would understand, you would talk about it and make up. The problem and the difference is that with men like this, there is no logic behind their nastiness, its actually not anything you did. Men like this are just crazy. They have a screw loose in their head. They will find and make up anything to be nasty to you. Whereas with a friend being mad at you, its generally actually something you did, with abusers its a deep seeted hatred that they havent dealt with that dates back to their childhood that they take out on you. Their values are crippled, they probably had very lousy parents who didnt allow them to grow in a healthy manner and taught them to deal with everyday stresses in a negative, repressive, and hateful way. NO you should not put up with this. I can't tell you how deeply disturbed I became with my abusive ex. He did stuff like this to me before, get nasty and insult me for no reason. I dealt with so much criticism and put down, it was awful and nightmarish. I was in so much pain and turmoil. I felt like shit and like I was going crazy. That's not love. He doesnt love himself, in fact he probably hates himself. A person who loves themself will know how to love you. A person who hates himself will only know how to hate you. Get away from the hatred. Its not your fault. Its him. You cant change him or fix him. He is damaged. But you can help yourself. You will be so much happier and better off.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2013):
 Heck no, you should not tolerate that. Why should you tolerate being called names and berated ANYWAY, and most of all you if you haven't done anything wrong !
If he is paranoically jealous that's HIS problem, you should not make it yours. Part of this can be because of where and how he was raised, in many countries the women have a particular position and behaviour in society and what you got used seeing while you were growing up deep down stays with you , if you don't make a conscious effort to shake it off . There are countries ,for instance, where even a formal handshake between man and woman is sort of daring if done in public - or where women are not supposed to look at a man directly in his face, when talking to him, but always sort of sideways or from down upward ( sort of Lady Diana's style, if you know what I mean ). If you , unadvertently , have looked or glanced at the old bartender , or worse smiled at him,or put some warmth in your " thank you ", you have acted normal by your code, and , at some subconscious level, brazen and slutty by his. That too, though, would be HIS problem , ok for respecting different costumes and cultures, but respect is a two way street and he is not giving you any .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): OP you know when you read about women who are being abused, you know when you wonder how the hell they tolerate that kind of rubbish and stay with a guy who treats them like that?
Well now you know, because frankly OP by even needing to ask us should you tolerate this you've already shown yourself to be too much of a doormat.
OP what he did was 100% domestic abuse, mental and emotional abuse.
You've just been abused OP, the only question you need to ask is are you going to be another one of those sad weak willed women who tolerate it and let him worm his way out of it or are you going to do what you've always promised yourself you would if a guy ever abused you even once and walk away?
Walk away OP, there are no excuses for what he did, the guy is a grade A cunt. Time to move on.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 May 2013):
It sounds like you're walking down a path that leads to more abuse, emotional for sure, and maybe even physical. There are some things you can tolerate for love; abuse is not one of them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2013): no don't tolerate being called a bitch without any reason. even if there was reason no one has the right to hurt other.
If you tolerate once, it will turn into a bad habit and he will call you worse than that. Talk to your boyfriend, don't fight and be rational, let him know he needs to make an effort in your relationship and stop being disrespectful. He has no right to disrespect you or hurt your feeling. If he thinks girls from his country are better why is he with you? If he thinks girls in his country are better keep in mind no matter how hard you try to make him happy he will always find those girls are better than you!! He is not tolerating that you are different why should you tolerate his behaviour. Stand up for yourself. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 May 2013):
 You should absolutely not have to endure and suffer this rubbish.
The only person doing anyembarassing was him. His own actions were disrespectful and by his own actions he embarassed himself.
If he has the jealousy gene fermenting inside him then he will only become more suspicious and abusive. And a problem to any partner in the future.
Is he picking a fight so that you will leave him? Give him what he wants - start walking away from and don't come back to him.
of course it feels horrible to be humiliated in this way. By doing this he has revealed that he is not averse to humiliating you. Whether it is in private or in public it is completely unacceptable for a partner (male or female) to do this to their partner (be they female or male)
And in claiming that a partner would NOT behave, in the way he erroneously claimed you behaved, if she was from his country/his culture?
As you have no flag I cannot see your country and I don't really care what his country is.
His comments were Xenophobic (hatred of people not of his country)
You do not belong with such an abusive man.
Abusers do steadily become worse. And it sounds like he has hatred in his heart. That's a recipe for disaster in a partner.
When you are with a man with the potential to be abusive you don't need to do a thing to make him react with abuse. Abusers can manufacture a "situation" that justifies, in their mind, that they have the right to abuse whoever they think they can easily abuse.
You are way too nice for him.
Don't be in a hurry to find a new Bf. Work on your self esteem and work on rebuilding your confidence in you.
Bullies and Abusers work progressively to undermine the confidence of their victim. They slowly escalate the abuse and find fault with their victim. They pick, pick, pick and point out your alleged faults and alleged shortcomings.
In truth you are perfectly OK but he cannot appreciate that truth.
Eventually you are walking on egg shells around them.
The more you try to appease them and give in to them the greater they abuse. They actually think they are justified in the abuse they direct at their Victim.
In truth domestic Abusers and Bullies are Jerks.
Walk away.
Find a nicer guy eventually.
And never put up with this level of rubbish from a guy ever again.
No person deserves to be abused like this.
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