A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. First time poster.I've been with my wife for 10 years and we have been married for 4 years and I love her very much. She is my best friend and we get along really well. Sure we have the odd argument but we normally talk things through and overall we have a very strong relationship. However, our sex life is not great, and seems to be getting worse. After we moved in together she started to put on weight and her weight has yo-yo'd up and down ever since. When we met she was slim and attractive and I felt very lucky that she found me attractive, but the fact of the matter is I just don't find overweight women attractive. If anything I would say I have an attraction to quite skinny women.We have talked about her weight (she brought the subject up) and she is now going to the gym and together we are trying to eat more healthily but she has admitted she will never be as slim as when we got together and that terrifies me! Should I be blunt and tell her I need her to lose weight to find her attractive again? She has asked me if I find her sexy and I have said I do - should I be honest??Thanks in advance for the advice.
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best friend, lose weight, moved in, overweight, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Digiman  +, writes (3 November 2009):
 That is freakin' awesome OP!
Good for you two!
A
female
reader, Felisha Marie  +, writes (26 September 2009):
 Good for you OP!!! That was a mature and very good thing to do, continue being there for her, support her, and show it dont just say it!
Good Luck with your relationship!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for all your help. Just to update you all, a few weeks ago my wife asked me straight out if I still found her sexy. As some of you mentioned people aren't very good at hiding their feelings and obviously my thoughts on her weight were showing in my actions.
I told her that although I love her very much I don't find her as attractive as I used to because of her weight. After a few tears we talked about it and it has been really positive. We are both watching what we eat and she is going to the gym more often and so far she has lost 5 pounds.
If anyone is in a similar position I would say that although it is really hard, you have to talk about the issue. You can't guarantee that it will go well but whether you say something or not she will know there is something wrong and it may cause a breakdown in the relationship by trying to hide it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2009): I'm in a similar situation with my wife. When we were dating she was a little larger of a woman then I normally would go out with but her personality was so warm and she was so sweet that we eventually got married . After that I noticed that she was spending a lot on new clothing and one day when I put some of her things into the wash I noticed that she had gone from a size ten to a size fourteen and then found out that she had an eating disorder. I have never been attracted to fat women and prefer small not anorexic , petite girls that can toss a frisbee and wear a bikini. Our sex life became intermittent , and eventually has stopped , when I was confronted by my wife who thought I was having an extramarital sex, which I wasn't , I confessed to her that quite honestly the weight gain was a real turn off to me and that I personally am not attracted to obese women. At this point she had an emotional melt down right in front of me and said that was the cruelest thing anyone had ever said to her but I had tried to dance around the honesty of the situation and being non-confrontational wasn't helping anything . I tried to console her and tell her that I still loved her on a deep spiritual level , Agape & Philathropic love, but the Eros or the erotic side of things just wasn't happening because quite frankly obesity to me is a real turn off and I'm not a fake so I'm not going to pretend that somebody turns me on when they are actually repulsive. We've agreed to give it some time , went to couple counseling , she has joined a number of gyms, got medication from her Dr. to help control her appetite but the 60 pounds or more are just as present 3yrs later as they were when the problem first surfaced. The lack of physical intimacy in the relationship has turned into a nightmare for the two of us. I sleep in the guest room , shut my eyes when she's undressing or showering. The atmosphere of our home is on a cycle of peaceful, to intermittent bickering , to a blow out screaming match. I'm now on xanex to control my emotions . I'm tortured by meeting attractive women in my day to day that I would love to take and bounce around on a bed someplace but am playing the role of a martyr for the time being waiting for my wife to resemble the girl the I married but I'm going to have probably face the music in the near future , because neither of us can go on like this for much longer. I would suggest that you find a counselor that you can talk with and get the proper lingo and a diplomatic approach to this subject matter worked out first and then when the time is right invite your wife to join in on one of the sessions so that if a meltdown occurs , you have a professional on board that can help you both address this problem in a calm , adult to adult manner.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): if its any help. All my life i have been overweight.and the more my loved ones talked to me about it, made me feel guilty about eating etc the more weight i put on. It felt like i was doing something naughty so i did it more. but one day, I decided to just get in shape. So i did. if i can give you any advice, its to tell her about it once but not really prompt her on a day to day basis. just every now andd again.because otherwise you might put her off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. Most of them were very constructive.In answer to some of your questions, my wife is around 60 pounds heavier than when we met, and she had aleady put on a bit of weight when I asked her to marry me so no, I didn't marry her because of her weight or physical apperance. I have no intention of ending our relationship or wandering but I want to make our relationship as strong as it possibly can be. Unfortunately there are just some things people can't say to each other without offending them or making the situation worse.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (30 August 2009):
 I'm afraid that telling her that you were attracted to her more when she was thin would be about the equivalent for your libido as "I liked you so much better when you had hair and weren't bald." She would eat more and get fatter, out of fear of the loss of her attractiveness, much like you would become limp at the thought of being unattractive to her.
I'd keep all that "honesty" bottled right up and start including her in a very active lifestyle. Join a golf club, join a tennis club, put in a pool, whatever you can do together! Whatever you put into your body has to get burned off, it's pretty simple, and she will be happier being active and Being With You.
If you put those words out there, you had better be prepared to live with them, because they are not going away. They are going to hang out there forever and there is NO taking it back once it is said! Don't say you weren't warned!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): Hi OP - my hb also wanted me to lose weight, I DID. and guess what - I am SEXY, I am confident. and HUBBY is JEALOUS. Be careful what you wish for, it may just come true.........YOU MAY ALSO JUST FIND YOURSELF REPLACED.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): Sir, I would just like bring up the fact that you know your wife better than anyone on this site and as a result you know how she would react if you told her what you want to tell her. PLEASE put this into consideration before you use any advice you are given( including mine). Secondly, I'd like you to remember that as well as being your spouse, your wife is also a human being and because of this, I would imagine that her feelings would be pained if she were to here that her husband "doesn't find her sexy unless she is slim". So if you do tell her, I recommend you rephrase the question in order to spare her any unnecessary hurt.Just remember, it's good to tell the truths but some truths hurt. So before you tell her, decide whether it's really a necessary risk to take.GOOD LUCK, GOOD BYE AND GOD BLESS
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male
reader, Digiman +, writes (30 August 2009):
You should be able to be open with her about this, however, you must make certain that you broach the issue in a non-judgmental sort of way! You can even do it in reverse by telling her that YOU have weight that you want to lose and ask her to join you in some form of exercise...Whatever you do, TELL HER how you feel! You won't be able to hide your lack of interest in her looks much longer! You need to either tell her how you feel, or learn to accept her as she is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): Very brave!!! Anyway, you are in a spin cycle which will only get worse and you risk being labelled selfish for not accepting your wife just as she is and superficial for finding overweight people a turn off. Blah!!All we want at the end of the day is to be loved without earning it in any way. There are thousands possibly millions who undergo drastic surgery so they can be loved. Sad isn’t it?I read an article by Joe Beam, in this article he recons: Whether we wish it or not, sometimes a person loses physical attraction for his or her spouse as an emotional reaction to the other’s change in appearance, such as significant weight gain. It doesn’t happen with everyone whose spouse becomes obese, but it does happen. It’s not an act of will, but a reaction of emotions. Part of that comes from feeling disrespected. You may think “If she loved me she would not let his happen. It’s not like she has a physical problem and can’t help it. She could control this. Why won’t she do it for ME?” Let me give you an example from his article, he explains why some things attract you physically and some things repel , here is the example he gave a women who loved her husband but lost physical attraction because of his weight gain:----- If your husband came home muddy, reeking of freshly caught fish, and wanted to make love, you wouldn’t feel guilty about rejecting his advances and demanding he get himself clean and odour free before lying next to you. That same principle is why you reject his lovemaking now that he’s overweight. Your love and caring didn’t go away, but just as you would be repulsed by the smell of your dirty fisherman, so are you repelled by the sight of his body that no longer has any semblance of its earlier tone and form. You still love; you just don’t want to make love. It’s not your heart that holds you back; it’s your physical senses. The attributes that used to trigger your passion are gone, and your feeling disrespected leads you to pull away.-----So you see, because you react this way, your wife may feel rejected and unloved .As you pull away, her negative feelings will become worse which could possibly be why she eats for comfort. Hence the spin cycle, she does not feel loved, so she eats. You don’t feel respected and move further away emotionally. So what can you do to stop it? According to Joe Beam you could start by reassuring her everyday that you love her, just as she is and that you are committed to her for life. Second Open your heart and explain how you feel about her weight. Be honest about all your emotions. Third ask if she will commit to a diet and exercise for you as well as herself. Help in every way that she will allow. If you work on this together, with honesty and openness, you will bring passion back into your marriage.Well I hope you found that article insightful. Don’t hide your feelings from your wife
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): Very hard for you this one. Recently my husband told me I was a frump and looked a mess and was 'cheap' and this really hurt me as I am currently out of work and studying so I am not dressing smartly as I used to. It has really damaged my self esteem so what I am saying is how you go about this is very critical. Would it be an idea to get out some old snaps of when you first started out together... maybe when your wife was slimmer and say "Wow you looked amazing." Maybe put a special photo in a frame as encouragement - sometimes us girls forget how good we can look and a loving reminder could spur her on and make her reflect on what you loved about her physically. She is making a commitment to the gym and eating healthily so I guess she is really trying and you are being supportive. Could you go one step further and purchase a series of personal training sessions at the gym? Again this would show encouragement. Its not the case that she cannot get her figure back - you only have to look in magazines at some of the amazing case studies of people that lose weight. My only other final idea is for both of you to commit to an event, maybe for charity even? Could you apply for a Marathon, half marathon or something like the Great North Run? I have found running to be the single greatest thing for losing weight, it slims you down and is good for positive attitude. I hope some practical ideas help you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): Well this is a question of ethics isn't it? Women don't want to be told their fat but men don't want their women to be fat. A dilemma..
Sex is actually highly important in relationships. Well not sex necessarily, but sexual relations. If your sex life continues to decline, you will be unhappy and unsatisfied and she will feel insecure and unwanted. Her self esteem will plummet and your marriage will begin to slip. You'll then feel guilt, she'll feel resentment.. very ugly turns this could all take. It would do her absolutely no good to think that you're attracted to her when you're not. It would make her a fool. And it will do you know good to sit in silence, grimacing as she takes her clothes off.
But the fact is, she is trying. She is going to the gym and working out and she knows she has a problem. The nicest thing you can do for her right now is accompany her to the gym and make it a couples thing so that she doesn't go feeling helpless, frustrated and isolated. Tell her when you see improvements that you can see them and that she is looking better. Let her know that it's great that she is trying and you fully support that. Remind her of how sexy she was when you first met and tell her that you may have slipped too and you should both try to get back to the same body you had. Encourage her to keep going. Make her healthy snacks to eat and exclude fattening items from the grocery list.
You can tell her very subtly and in a positive way that she was more attractive when she was slim. You don't have to say it you just have to help her get there. If you put enough positive energy into her efforts, she is more likely to buck up and keep trying and feel GOOD about it.
Whatever you do, however you go about it, you should absolutely NOT leave her to do this alone. She needs you.
~Sy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): How much weight are you talking? 5-10 pounds...live with it. Most people, men and women, gain at least a few pounds over the course of their adult lives based just on age and slowing metabolisms. If it's interfering with her health or everyday activities, then maybe you have a legitimate i.e. non-shallow complaint here.If you seriously married her because of the weight she was at then, you married her for the wrong reason. And don't try to tell us you look exactly like you did 10 years ago, because I'm betting you've gained some weight and lost some hair yourself. If not, wait a few years more and then judge her. Age touches everyone in the end...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2009): Ok, well depending on how much your wife is going to jump through the roof in offense to the truth, you may or may not want to straight out tell her this is how you feel. Honest communication is key to relationship, but how very important to you is it that she be as super slim as she used to be? If it is very important than by all means broach this fact with her after she has reached her weight loss plateau and it is not satisfactory to you, but of course put it in the most positive way possible. For example, say something like, "You know, I will always love you no matter what, but I am most physically and sexually attracted to you when you are at x weight. You would make me very happy and our sex would be the best it could possibly be if you could be like you used to be." And then at that point also expect that if you make that kind of request that it is only fair to tell her you would give her the same in return. In other words, if you are not in tip top shape either, you should become that too, if that is what you ask of her.... In the meantime, realize that there are other more suble diplomatic way of affecting change. Examine the factors surrounding your lifestyle. Are you a burgers and fries red meat and potatoes kind of household? Thought of becoming a chicken and rice with salad with a smoothie for a snack kind of a household? What are you everyday leisure activities consist of? Vegetating in front of TV? Thought of incorporating a pleasant after dinner walk into your life? After all, if physical fitness is a priority, the lifestyle you lead should reflect it. Otherwise, its nigh impossible to stay physically fit in our sedentary junk food culture. Good luck.
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female
reader, Felisha Marie +, writes (30 August 2009):
First of all bucko, women dont like being told there fat. Plain and simple. Yes, honesty is important in a relationship, buuut, there are some loop holes. We tell you guys you're good handy mans, but really we have the duct tape and DW 40, and our fingers we dont need you, but your companionship. If you really love her, tell her she's beautiful no matter what she looks like, but if you desire her slim, go to the gym with her, are you in good shape yourself to be criticizing her? Motivate her, show her you're there for her and help her!
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