A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Yes, this is a weird question to ask.However, my wife of 20 years will not have sex with me and has not for more than 10 years. It is something we have talked about many, many times but nothing ever changes. She doesn't want to divorce me and I don't want to divorce her, but I am not ready at age 41 to go without sex like she wants me to.Therefore, I am considering seeing a prostitute to take care of that need. If I do so I would rather do so with her approval than sneaking around behind her back because both I don't want to lose our relationship and also I want her to know that I am really serious about not wanting to be celibate for the rest of my life. For some reason no matter how much I tell her I am not going to remain sexless it is like it goes in one ear and out the other.So... should I just tell her that she doesn't need to have sex with me, but then I need her to approve me having sex with another woman? In particular, I am considering a prostitute because I don't think either of us are interested in the drama a mistress might create. I do realize that most women would really look down on me for doing this, but I am not sure what else she wants me to do!
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female
reader, Anonyma  +, writes (24 September 2014):
 Don't do it. Prostitution is abuse, buying people never can be the right thing to do.
Have a real close look at your relationship. Talk to your wife, explain that it is either her with sex or divorce.
Suggest she has herself checked why she has no sex drive. If you had sex the first ten years, something changed, find out what that is.
And if all fails, divorce.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2014): Don't do it. Do not do it please. The reason I say this is that you are in one of those situations where your own standards and values are being manipulated by another person and the outcome could compromise your integrity as a human being.
At 41 years old there will be loads, and loads and loads and loads of women who would love to have sex with you and get married, even have kids if that's what you want. You're stuck in the habit of being dependent on your wife for friendship, but what kind of friend does this to their partner, without any explanation and without any show of willingness to discuss it or concern for you? Even as a friend this behaviour sucks. I think you are a bit naive and a bit dependent on her. I'd say leave NOW, whilst you are still young.
Often a partner denying sex like this is part of a much larger problem - but it's the reluctance to face up to it and to take on board how it's affecting you that is the most telling - it is fundamentally selfish and it is weakening your sense of self without you realising it. It is a passive aggressive form of manipulation and you are being manipulated into a situation that you never actually wanted - did you start your marriage thinking "in ten years time I will start visiting a prostitute for sex"? I am sure you didn't. You're being coerced into an unpleasant scenario AND, if you do end up going for a divorce anyway, having visited a prostitute with your wife knowing this, then it could make things much harder for you. As it stands, her witholding sex is sufficient grounds for divorce.
Leave. Take a year or so to recover. Then have as much sex with as many females as you like. There is someone else out there for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): Unless she has a medical condition that prevents her or some awful past I'd say she's selfish.... It winds me up that one person can have the entire say over the other persons sex life! She's controlling you by withholding sex take that control back, maybe best to go on a FWB site where the other persons married and doesn't want more than sex, will be a little bit better for your soul than a pro
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 July 2014):
 My advice would be don't do it! Having sex with someone you don't even know or like is just counter to anything 'normal' in life. ou stand a chance of picking up a disease and you will fell stupid and dirty afterwords. It's pretty much the same as masturbation in front of a stranger. You'll walk around with self loathing for months afterwords and you'll never be free of the wierd feeling of guilt. Right now you're just trying to justify the experience by finding a way to make it her fault. Stick to porn OR get marriage counceling anything but the going down the road to paying for sex. You'll be sorry..I PROMISE IT !!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): What you really need is a videotaped admission that she hasn't wanted to have sex with you for 10 years and now she does not mind you getting it somewhere else. Not a secret camera thing, I mean getting her to agree to say it on tape.
Even if the tape could be technically defeated by a good lawyer she probably would not try to beat it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 July 2014):
 I agree with Cindy.
You deserve to have a sex life of course, everyone should have the sexlife they want. BUT you also want the housekeeper, the nanny, the maid, the cook the cleaner, the company that your wife provides.
If she is unwilling to be part of the sexlife, I think a divorce would solve it for you, yes you would lose the housekeeper, the nanny, the maid, the cook and the cleaner, but who knows you MIGHT find a woman who will make you happy in and out of the bedroom instead.
Even if she VERBALLY agrees to the prostitute she can still skin you in divorce, if she decides down the line that she ISN'T OK with the arrangement.
I think you two need to have a long hard think and talk.
I'm in my mid-40's. My husband is rarely able to get erections due to meds, but we still find ways to be intimate and enjoy each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): What is the reason she gives for no sex in the marriage ? A marriage by it's nature is a romantic relationship and is different to a friendship . Sure friendship is PART of a marriage but so is sex!
So it seems pretty simple really . If she wants to be married ? Part of that is being in a sexual relationship if some nature unless this is not possible for some reason.
Whether she wants a divorce or not is irrelevant. There are two people involved in this. Frankly a prostitute is totally unacceptable in my honest opinion as is a mistress. Either you are happy to stay in a sexless marriage or something changes .... The change needs to be either the marriage needs work where it meets both your needs or you LEAVE and then find another woman.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 July 2014):
 I would not do it. It may come back and bite you .
Suppose that your wife says, sure, darling, go ahead, have fun... just to change her mind the first time that you piss her off; have you followed by a private eye, or get copy of " strange " payments receipts from " massage salons "... in general, get proof of your adultery - she can drag your ass in court, prove that not only you have broken your vows but also squandered your joint money resources etc.etc...and REALLY take you to the cleaners.
Wouldn't it be better and simpler just to file jointly for a nice , amicable , civil divorce ?... I know you just said that you don't want to divorce each other, but... you can't always get what you want .
Of course you'd have the right at 41 to live the regular sex life of a healthy male - the problem is, you don't have this right , legally or even morally, as long as you STAY married. So I guess it gets down to a choice between a healthy sex life , and the comfort and companionship of a well known sexless relationship.
As a matter of fact, since you basically are good friends now- who would prevent you from staying good friends, visiting each other , talking, etc.etc, if so you wish doing, once you are both single again and free of any mutual marital obligations ?...
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A
female
reader, Mistresskiki +, writes (27 July 2014):
I think you should tell her, but be prepared for any sort of 'fall out', including a demand for a divorce.
If you do follow through, don't forget to use protection - for your sake if nothing else.
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