A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend just over a year. Everything is amazing! I thought i was in love with previous partners but nothing compares to how i feel about him. Hes so much fun and just completely gets me. He is eight years older than me. I have a profession that im relatively happy with. He does have a profession but decided to leave this to do his phd. However, he really wants to be a writer. Hes only ever worked part time so that he is able to pursue his writing dream.This is great for him and i do try to be fully supportive. But his timetable for writing is so strict. Hes been writing for 14 years now and spents at least 3 10 hour days writing. If he doesnt complete his tasks for the day this means writing late into the night and he almost always ends up writing on weekends. This i actually dont mind. My issue is hes 35, when speaking about marriage and kids he says he does want it eventually but not anytime soon because it will interfere with his dream of becoming a writer, which i understand. But my concern is he's spent 14 years writing and writing a lot so whose to say he will make it as a professional writer? Or whose to say he will ever feel the need to get married or have kids? I know its early days and im not asking for an engagement ring yet. But i know that within the next 5 years i really want to get married and have kids. What do i do about this? Do i stay with him and wait it out? Ive brought it up a few times and said well look i need to know if its a definite that you want to do the same as i do and his response is that he always thought he would grow up get married and have children but at the minute writing is his world and his main focus. He said he assumes at somepoint he will want marriage and children. Do people think this is enough? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 July 2014):
 I don't think his heart is in it. I also write and would like to publish something and earn money off of it, yet that doesn't mean I don't know I want children. Sounds like he thinks he needs to be done writing before he can have children, as if he wont be able to write when he's a father. With that perspective I would say, no, you will be waiting in vain for him to be ready, because he wont ever be, He has used so many years already on writing, without it mounting to much it seems. He'll spend equally many years before he eventually gets a break through or gives it up.
Oh, and what happens if he gets a break through and gets published and makes a living off it? Do you think he'll be ready for kids THEN?? Oh no, he'll just put even more focus on his writing, I can assure you.
Look, his priorities are what they are. You see them clearly already. If I were you I'd make the tough choice to leave. "Maybe some day in the future" is not a solid enough promise.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2014): Hi.
Im the op.
Just to clarify his phd is not associated with his writing. He writes childrens books but is also doing his phd alongside this. His phd is 3 years and hes 2 years through it plus hes getting paid to do it.
Money isnt an issue. We both have savings. I earn a good wage. At
present he earns good money from those funding his phd although that wont last. But we would be comfortable on my income alone.
I really want to be supportive and do love him dearly. I just dont want to be in the same situation in 10 years time.
I have no desire to start a family yet but would like to get married in around 5 years ish and then have children etc at somepoint.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 July 2014):
 From a financial point of view, he is working part-time and therefor cannot afford to support a family in the near future.
Will you be prepared to be a breadwinner and leave him to be a stay at home dad? He doesn't have time if he's writing all those hours - even if he was agreeable.
His dream is to write,he has a Phd, he is employable and intelligent - perhaps a 'student' in his head still because he has no responsibilities bar himself. Nothing wrong with that.
He may be ready for the marriage and kids bit in years to come he may not.He may give up on his dream one day
Nobody can decide but you if you wait to find out. But you love him and that's gonna make it harder to walk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): People who are that passionate and determined about writing do not have time for children...Crying infants disturb the thought process and with all the stress and effort it takes to take care of babies, he won't be able to do what he wants to do....UNLESS his partner, in this case you, can promise that you will be largely responsible for raising the children.Getting published isn't easy. There are thousands of people trying to get published everyday. Just because he hasn't struck gold in 14 years doesn't mean he's necessarily always going to fail. A lot of authors who made it big were starving writers who failed many times before. Of course, it's unrealistic to say that if you keep trying, you'll succeed. The real world doesn't work that way. Not everyone is JK Rowling or can get lucky like Stephanie Meyer. I think the relationship is at its end. He wants to focus on writing. Would you two even be able to support a family surviving on his and your income?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 July 2014):
 He needs a plan B in case his writing career doesn't work out. His willingness to make you happy and start a family has to be stronger than his pride to make something out of his phd. He assumes at some point he will want a family. That's not enough because his readiness largely depends on his income ability. A phd can take anywhere from 3 years to 10 years. A lot of times what it does is postpone having to think about working full time. He may just be saying he wants a family in the future just so that you don't break up with him now. A busy student still wants someone to cuddle with in lonely times. If he can stay where he is, and is happy that you can be the breadwinner then stay. If he has to travel around, make good connections and you never know where he is going to end up then walk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): I'm the op. Just wanted to say no he hasnt managed to get anything published yet. He did try self publishing but it hasnt really worked out for him and he hasnt made any money from it. Thanks for your response. It makes a lot of sense. I suppose its something only i can decide.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): Neither of you are on the same page about the future. He is following his passion, and willing to make the sacrifices. You want marriage and children; so you may have chosen the wrong guy, if you want that in the immediate future.
I know you've built your feelings and centered your life on this guy; but one year of a relationship with him should have shown you where his life is heading. He wants a writing-career, and you want marriage and a family.
If his job was considered a distraction and hindrance to his dream? What do you think wedding-planning, and eventually kids running around will be?
You didn't mention if he has ever published anything; and it could be a long arduous process of getting his work recognized and published. If he has published within the last 15 years, you don't say if he received any significant recognition for his work. Anyone can get published, not everyone will be financially successful at it.
He can self-publish, but that is gamble as far as financial success. Some make it, and some don't. Most writers are quite creative and prolific; but years may past before they find success and reward for their art. You have to be prepared to be the bread-winner and believe in him. Your post is full of doubt that he is making the right choices.
He may be doing what's right for him, but marriage is not a priority in his life, if he gave up his job. I think you're looking way too far into the future, and he is focused on something entirely different.
A family requires immediate attention, and doesn't thrive on promises and future dreams. Enjoy having him as a wonderful and talented boyfriend. Just don't hang your dreams on marriage quite yet. It may be far off into the future, and he may be putting his writing first.
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