A
female
age
36-40,
*ouse17
writes:Hello dear cupid'ers! I'm head over heels in love and it's absolutely wonderful, this guy is officially the cats pyjamas. We have been in a relationship for around 9 months now, and we are looking at getting a place together. I know we make each other very happy, he encourages me on my creative pursuits and vice versa. We went out the other night for my birthday drinks and there was this man who was being rude to me. My boyfriend said "hey dont be rude to the girl that I'm going to marry". I asked him if he realised what he just said and he said yes, one day thats going to happen. I ran off to the bathroom and jumped up and down a bit. I then grabbed my friend and told her what he said. She said to me that he really does think the world of me and I need to think long and hard if this is what I really want because what if I want kids one day. And thats really the reason why I came here. I do not want kids and never have HOWEVER what if one day a light switch goes on in my head and I do? He's had a vasectomy, he cannot have kids and more importantly never wants kids. There is a bit of an age gap between us, I'm 26 and he's 37, he doesn't have any kids nothing like that but made the decision at 23 to get a vasectomy and did. He told me he's never regretted it and knows that he is just not meant to be a Dad. I'm getting deeper and deeper in this relationship, I've never been this happy in my life but ever since that drunken comment and conversation with my friend I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Thoughts? Advice? Am I just thinking too much about this?
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female
reader, mouse17 +, writes (28 July 2014):
mouse17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for the words of advice, it's greatly appreciated. Chichi girl you are so very right with you "what if." I've taken what everyone said on board, I'll definitely ride the wave and see what happens. I guess it's just one of those things that you have to wait and see and experience life. Thanks again!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 July 2014):
 What if you one day want kids? What if you one day find yourself falling for a woman and no longer like men? What if you fall in love with another man? What if you discover marriage wasn't for you, and want to be single? What if, what if, what if...
Look, no one knows what they want 10, 20 or 30 years from now. We have a general idea, but no one reads the future, and no matter how well you know yourself you can't possibly predict what will happen. People change, sure, and there are no guarantees a marriage will work between the two of you even if you never ever want children. Maybe he never does housework, and you end up arguing so much about it you get a divorce. A conflict can arise for any number of reasons. You can't ever know 100% that this is a solid deal.
Love and relationships always involve a bit of a gamble. If you want to make sure you never break up/never have a divorce, the only way is to never have a relationship/never marry.
Do you want to play it safe and never do the things you want in life, out of fear they might not work out? Or are you going to follow your heart and passion and go for it, even if it involves risks? That's your choice. Life has no guarantees.
So far, the issue of children is not a problem. I don't see why it should be a problem in the future either, not any more than any other possible/probable problems.
If you later on discover you want children after all, then deal with it then and there. The same dilemma goes for EVERYONE. What about those who want children, or think they want children. Then once married, they discover they don't want children after all? It happens. You never know. The choice is yours: if not knowing the future scares you so much you're afraid to live life or not.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 July 2014):
 No, yours is a reasonable concern. At 26 , it is a bit early to say " never " ( Now that I think of it - probably, at any age is too early to say never - I said so many "nevers ", that punctually I disattended some years down the road. So, just never say never, I guess ).
But probably you have time to make a conscious , informed choice. Eventually , it all boils down to weighing plus and minuses , pros and cons against each other. How much of a sacrifice would be for you to stay childless ( it does not mean the same for everybody, I count quite a few childless couples among my friends and their attitude about it varies widely from smug satisfaction to slight ,occasional regret to deep seated despair ) and how much you love this man and would want to spend your life with him at all costs.
Not to jinx you, but maybe 9 months is a bit too early to know, most boyfriends are still a cat's pyjamas at not even one year of dating. And, you haven't been living together with him, that's a make it or break it situation in general, very revealing of compatibilities, and of their contrary. And, he said something nice but very vague and perhaps inspired by the festive mood and by a few drinks, but I would not put it on the same level as a formal commitment request.
So, I would just bide my time for now , and enjoy what I have got, waiting to see , with an open mind, how things progress and develop between you. Yet, I don't blame your friend for putting a bee in your bonnet- considering that the problem is not just his vasectomy, it is your bf's staunch no children attitude; which would obviously preclude you also the choice of adopting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): For now you both don't want kids so don't stress. Cross that bridge when and if it presents itself.
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