A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we are both in our mid-late twenties. He put me in a very vulnerable position early in relationship which I forgave him for and we worked through it. Last year I made a stupid mistake and cheated on him. I couldn't tell him,a s I know it would completely devastate him and I also know he would never forgive me. So instead I broke up with him. This only made me realise how much I love him,so we got back together. Although I pushed it to the back of my mind over the last year, lately the guilt will not go away. In recent months we have really been getting on so well and he says he would like to marry me in the future. I feel the same. I would never cheat again. I don't know whether to tell him after all this time, or stay quiet and consider it a lesson learned.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): Don't tell him. People over-share way too much in relationships. If you tell him, he'll be hurt--just so you can assuage your own guilt. It's almost as selfish as the act of cheating in the first place. Accept that you are human and that you made a mistake and that you are allowed to learn from those mistakes without baring your entire soul to your boyfriend. Let it go. Really.
Violet
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (21 January 2009):
 I agree with the aunts that said not to tell him. Telling him might make YOU feel better and help alleviate your guilt but it will hurt him deeply. If you vow to never cross that line again, and I mean NEVER then leave it in the past. And yes you should consider it to be a valuable lesson learned.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): You're getting married to this guy. It'd be best for things to be out in the open before you commit so he knows what he's getting into - before it creates immense damage when it comes out later in life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): You kept quiet for, what was it? A year? Two years?
Two years is a long time. A lot has happened. And you've both changed.
I can't help you on what your gut tells you, babe. Follow it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): you should def tell him. if your getting married or not, you've been together for 3 years and everyone has a right to know what the other has done. Honesty is key in a relationship and he deserves to know. Now that your guilt is bothering you, you should get if off your chest and tell him. Like someone said, things happen for a reason and if your meant to be he will still date you if youve cheated..and if not then it wasnt meant to be. I hope i helped
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): If you didn't bring yourself to tell him a year ago when it happened then I think that was for a reason. Your instinct told you no. So stick to that.Everything happens for a reason.I agree with what someone said below. Been there done that. I regret so much telling my ex boyfriend that I had kissed someone else on a holiday. Even though it was just a kiss, in psychology... guys are bothered more about their partner sleeping with someone else or anything initimate like that. It's as if you are thier's and no-one else's to touch! Whereas girls... would be more hurt if they knew their boyfriend said they 'loved' someone else. I believe that if you truely love him then don't be the one to break his heart, because you will. Also, if this person you cheated on was someone that means nothing to you... meant nothing at the time etc. Then isn't worth telling about? But also, if your love is strong enough you will get through it.
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A
male
reader, metalsman +, writes (19 January 2009):
 Hmmm..difficult one.
You don't mention what the "vulnerable position" was that your boyfriend put you in..perhaps this has a bearing on things?
Without that knowledge however..look at it from his point of view..does he have a right to know that his potential future wife has cheated on him and MAY therefore be capable of cheating again?..I'm sure you've heard the comment on here loads of times before with regards to Guys cheating on their GF's/Wives.."once a cheater always a cheater"..well, i guess then in this time of equality between sexes the same stipulation therefore must apply surely?
I think he has a right to know..morally and emotionally..if the bond and love between you is strong enough then it'll survive come what may.
I'm just trying to play devils advocate here by the way..putting another wrinkle into the discussion..
Ultimately it's your call..either keep it to yourself and live with it..or brace yourself!!
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reader, 17Irish17 +, writes (18 January 2009):
The key to your question is you say, "You will never cheat again". If you TRUELY believe that, there is no reason to tell him. Think about it. By telling him, what possible good could ever come of it? Whats the worst thing that could happen? I think you know, but I will tell you any way. You will regret it the rest of your life. You will torture yourself for ever bringing it up. It wasnt like you were married. You were bf/gf that is all. Let it go. We are all human and make mistakes. Just learn from your mistake and move on...
I wish you the best of luck! Ill just say been there dont it and so regretted it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): Should you tell him you cheated? In theory, it would be the moral thing to do and it will depend on how 'forgiving' your bf is and how strong your trust and committment is.. Now, you said in your posting,
"I couldn't tell him, as I know it would completely devastate him and I also know he would never forgive me."
There is your answer. No, do not tell him. He will react like many people would.
But let's look at why you are considering this..telling him. So I have to say, what will be the purpose of telling him? I don't believe the 'big confession' will cure anything and you, as the cheater, have everything to gain. You get to unload all your guilt and remorse and dump it right in his lap. And then what? Will your bf sit and mull this over and endure the pain of always wondering about you, the shattered trust and the future of this relationship? The past 'cheating incident' is dead, gone, over. Start fresh.
Telling him this now, will cause him terrible pain, hurt and some unforseen monumental future problems? Will he ask himself if you will do this again? Will he wonder..why didn't she love me enough, to have resisted? It is possible that telling him and then staying together after this, can set up a very, very unpleasant dynamic within your relationship? His worry and wondering may never cease. When an affair is exposed, some people never, ever forget the pain and sorrow. This will be like having a unending sorrow and pain always, at the very core of your relationship. Every time you walk in the door late, from work or an appointment-where will his thoughts go? Could this be your future? The mistrust. I hope you have learned from this hard lesson. Honor, committment and a strong, unrelenting fidelity is what makes this a quality, healthy relationship. As Gina has stated, the choice is yours to make, in the end though. And she's right. However, I will advise you 'not' to tell him....the purpose of telling him will ultimately destroy your relationship.
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