A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I am a 19 year old male living with my mom and my step dad. I have a growing suspicion that my stepdad is cheating on my mom, or at the least watching porn behind her back, and here are some reasons why I think this: First, I have seen him take pictures of girls in bikinis at the beach, pictures of their asses and hot girls and he tries to sneak it, I have seen him do it multiple times. He doesn’t spend as much time with my mom anymore and we rarely eat dinner at the table anymore. My step dad is always on his phone and I am suspicious that he is hiding something. He has been acting very strange around me lately, maybe he is anxious or is hiding something, and he is never nice to my mom, he always contradicts what she says and earlier today he got snappy with her and she got mad. He doesn’t interact with me as much anymore and I have suspicion that I know something. So my question is , should I alert my mom and tell her that something is suspicious?, or should I wait and see until I have more evidence? My mom works 7 days a week as a nurse and is constantly working, and my stepdad works away from home during the week and stays in a hotel 5 days a week. I only see him on the weekends. I don’t want to ruin my moms trust with my stepdad or affect my relationship with my stepdad. Please give advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2020): Hi,No! Please stay out of this, it is a big mistake to get involved. You may feel that you are involved by your suspicions and what you witness, but as with TRUTH! it always comes out in the end, but I believe the truth has its 'own time' and should not always be delivered third party. You only want to do what you feel right and protect your mother's feelings, at the same time keeping neutral about your stepdad, this is commendable from you, but maybe because you are at home a bit more because of lockdowns etc, you could simply be seeing their normal relationship a little closer than you have previously.Your Mother is a full-time nurse and he works away most days, you may be feeling concerned that they are drifting, but please remember at this particular time your mum is working very very hard during a pandemic and may not need emotional problems on top of this. You can pretty much guarantee her thoughts will be about her role as a nurse at the moment and the dedication she puts into helping people who are very poorly, and keeping you all safe when she comes back home, her exhaustion and phycological stresses from work will have an impact on home life at the moment. It is possible that your stepdad may feel a little second place at the moment and this may be causing friction (it may pass). I strongly suggest that you leave this alone and try not to pay too much attention to what he is up to, your mum would find out eventually. The best way to help mum at the moment is help with housework, make her a cuppa and supper when she gets home and maybe invite stepdad at the weekend, make a surprise meal for the two of them, and who knows this could help both of them.Times are very testing at the moment for everyone and people react differently to stress and pressure, please don't burden your mother or alienate yourself from stepdad, who obviously used to get on well with you from what you say in your post. Maybe you are feeling a little alienated at the moment? You sound like a lovely young man, forget gathering evidence and building a case. Put that energy into your future and the career you want to pursue, can Step dad help you in this direction? can you ask him for help on this?Please don't worry.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2020): No way you should intervene. I agree with the comments above, your mom is a grown woman. However, even worse- what it you are just flat out wrong. they are a couple and can have issues, you do not need to compound them- you do not know what is going on. As for Porn- so what. many people do. Your mom may even. she may know he does. they are not going to discuss these things with you. You need to stay out of it unless there is something seriously distressing going on. its not now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2020): YES. But wait until you have solid evidence that your step dad cannot refute. Most cheaters will always deny, deny, deny so you need rock solid proof before doing anything. Just be patient.You are your mother's son and as her son, you are responsible for protecting your mom's best interests, just as she protects yours as your mother. If you mother knew a girl was cheating on you or somebody was hurting you, you can bet your life on the fact that your mother would TELL you and she would stop further harm towards you. Because keeping harmful secrets from the ones we love can hurt them even more. How would she feel if she found out and you never told her? Would you not feel guilty for keeping this from her? This is not some little lie of omission or tiny white lie. This is a huge breach of trust that would affect her entire life and her well being. No woman wants to stay with a man who is hurting her. Why would you allow your step dad to keep hurting her when you are onto the truth? How could you live with yourself withholding this from your mother, whom you love? Who loves you? Can your own conscience allow that? Do not ever allow her to ask you if you KNEW. Because if she ever found out you KNEW about it and NEVER told her, she will become even more UPSET. That you sided with your step dad.Sometimes we need to STEP UP and speak the TRUTH. And do what is right. For the well being of another human being. Staying quiet is allowing the abuse to continue. That is what it is. He is abusing your mother by having sex with other women and pretending everything is wonderful in his marriage. He is deliberately deceiving her. Going back on the vows he made to her on their wedding day. All for selfish reasons. Staying quiet is condoning his behavior towards your mother. Staying quiet is allowing him to continue this behavior and hurt her more and more. The longer he does this, if he is, in fact, cheating, the worse he will hurt her. It is best she gets out of this relationship sooner if he is that kind of a man. The damage will be worse in time. Believe me sweetie. I believe that if we know a loved one is being hurt, we have to stand up on their behalf because they are blind and vulnerable to another's actions. I do not believe in minding your own business. Believe me, she would want to know.Again, you have to go about it the right way. A lot of the things you mentioned are red flags and hints to his cheating but not solid proof. His being on the road for his job and spending most of his time in hotels gives him ample opportunity to sleep with other women while your mother is distracted by working long hours and has no idea what he is up to. He comes home turning on the charm and putting his poker face on, playing the role of loving husband. He's got a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde split personality going. It seems your mother trusts him. The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool. I read that. And how true it is. You are a very perceptive young man and it is obvious how much you love and care for your mom. You are just looking for the courage to do what you need to do and are looking to us for reinforcement. Often it ends up being a personal decision. Some will say there is no right or wrong. Only what you decide is right or wrong. But my definition of right is protecting your loved ones from being hurt. If you know someone is hurting someone you love, do you just allow it? You are allowing it by staying quiet. Think about it sweetheart.As I said, keep your eyes and ears open. Gather all your evidence first. Nowadays you can put listening devices in cars or gps trackers on the bottom of vehicles. You can load software onto smartphones which keeps track of texts that are sent/received, phone calls that are made, essentially all activity on that phone that could point to your step dad communicating with other women. No man should ever get away with hurting any woman. This woman is your mom. You, unlike a potentially cheating step dad, are a GOOD man. You know what is right. And you are stepping up. Good on you! Keep us posted if you can.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 October 2020):
 My advice is the same for this relationship as for all others: stay out of it. This is not YOUR relationship. There are two people in the relationship and one of them is not YOU.
Your mum is lucky to have you looking out for her but you can't get involved. Just be there for her to offer support IF it all goes pear-shaped.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (20 October 2020):
 OP, we can only caution you and hope that you will listen. Its apparent that you love your mother and want her to be happy. Please be careful though where you are treading. If you go to your mother with allegations and no absolute proof you could be causing a rift with your mother that may not be able to be repaired. PLEASE don't say anything at this point.
You can watch but I would NOT get involved unless it is certain and even then I highly caution you to step in.
As others have stated, your mom is a smart lady, has experienced more in life than you, and most women have an intuition when it comes to being played/cheated on. You may not know all the facts.
I speak from experience please understand. I tried to step in and protect my daughter from her cheating husband. In the end, I became the bad guy, she took his side, and turned against me. All I wanted was for my daughter to be happy. I obviously made a mistake and should have stayed out of things even though my daughter was sadly the last one to know what was going on. They eventually did get divorced, but the relationship between my daughter and I has never been the same. She never forgave me for speaking up and trying to help her. This was over 10 years ago.
Please be careful what you say and do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): I appreciate your responses, they are helpful, and I will take your advice. I think I’m in over my head.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): [EDIT]
Typo-corrections and fixing grammatical-errors:
"Letting him know you're not a clueless little-kid anymore. That is all you need to establish."
"You don't know all the facts! You've based all you think you know on suspicion; and a few things he does that aren't right, but not serious."
P.S.
Don't take any of our advice in the wrong-way; though some come across somewhat harsh. You are acting out of love and protection, with the best of intentions. It's not your place to interfere in their marriage; that being what the general consensus concludes and suggests.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): You only have suspicions, but not solid-evidence. Your mom is an intelligent adult; and this isn't her first marriage. Like any guy who truly loves and appreciates his mother; no-one here has any right to tell you not to be protective of her. In your shoes, I would feel exactly the same as you do. However, being much more experienced than you are; I caution you that it would be best that you stay in the neutral-zone. Only intervene when your stepfather is being abusive, or could pose to be an immediate-threat to her safety and well-being. Let them handle their marriage. She'd have to do that if and when you're not around anyway.
Let's say you actually saw your stepfather riding around town with a young-female in his car; when he's supposed to be working. You should address him, not your mother. Even then, you better know your place; or he might get physically-violent. Men who cheat are usually paranoid; and they also get very angry when confronted or cornered about what they're up-to. It is under such undeniable-circumstances that you would let him know, he better straighten it out; because your only choice is to inform your mother. You wouldn't want his interference in your romantic-relationships; unless you sought his advice. Your mother may be more hip to his behavior and actions than she's letting-on; and that's likely for both her own and your protection. There does come a time when boys grow into manhood; and we sense our strength and power. Challenging an older bull should be well thought-out. In-life, all our actions should be well thought-out; and executed at the appropriate time and place. It's when we act compulsively, or impulsively, that we make grave mistakes!
Respect their privacy. As you would want from them to; regarding you and a girlfriend, or your future-wife.
I would say, stay vigilant; and act only when you have solid and irrefutable-evidence. Intervene, or say something; if you feel he is being too rough with your mother, physically or verbally. You're not a little kid, and there is an appropriate time to step-up; but in this instance, that isn't the case.
The fact is, she's your mother; and you're much closer to the situation. Therefore, the opinions of a group of strangers isn't written in stone. We have more life-experience to draw from; so it might be wise to yield to our advice for the moment. When you love somebody, it might feel like you're standing there too far away; and you see a car speeding towards them, and it appears they're about to step-out into traffic! If they're carefully looking both-ways; there is no need to shout or run for them; or you may distract their attention at the wrong time. Let's trust your mother is carefully looking both-ways, and she can see the oncoming-traffic.
You mentioned your relationship with him has changed. You are getting older, and he also realizes you are also the wiser. It might be better to address your father and son relationship instead. That you can do, and it would also improve things from that angle. You might hint that you sense something that isn't quite the same between him and your mother; but avoid going into detail, or making that the topic of your conversation. That's only sending a respectful shot across the bow. Stay on-topic...it's about you and him, man-to-man. Letting him know you're not a clueless little-kid anymore is all you need to establish. Avoid a pissing-contest! Tou don't know all the facts, you are basing all you know on suspicion; and few things that aren't right, but not serious.
You can always take your mom aside for a private-talk, and strengthen the trust in your mother and son relationship. Then, if she wishes to share something with you, she can. Just don't assume she's a fool; or not astute or intuitive enough to know what either of her menfolk are up-to. She is a nurse, and in these trying times, she needs as little stress and pressure placed upon her as possible. Be there when she needs you, be proud of who she is, and appreciate her for all that she does for you. If the time comes that you have to man-up to do something drastic; make sure you have your ducks in a row, and don't let it be you who was the reason that her marriage is ruined.
We appreciate the sacrifice and expertise given by your mother, and others on the frontline. That's extended to you, because you and your stepfather are also affected by the sacrifice and danger she faces in doing her job to help and save others. Thank you!
You seem like a very kind-hearted and loving-son; but some things in your mother's married-life is not for you to meddle with. That's difficult to accept; but you also have to weight the consequences of of your actions in the event that you are wrong. You cannot afford to be mistaken.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (19 October 2020):
 Your Mum is a grown women, and if he is cheating then she will have to find out for herself.
If he is watching porn then that's his business, there is not an awful lot you can do about that, again i'm sure that she is aware of this.
He should not be taking pictures of women at the beach in bikini's, especially if they are unaware that a picture has been taken. I would think that there would be a harsh penalty against this sort of behaviour.
It sounds like there relationship is on the rocks, so all you can do is be there for your Mum, be loving and supportive.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 October 2020):
 I also think you need to trust your mom to deal with HER relationship in whatever manner SHE chooses.
Now, If you see him ACTUALLY cheat - then I'd it run by her, first as a hypothetical situation.
As for the fact that the guy watches porn - really none of your business. I am pretty sure your mom knows. While I'm not "pro porn" myself, the guy is a grown man. Your mom is a grown woman. It's between them. If you have caught him watching porn, I BET YOU, your mom has too. Same with taking pictures of scantily clad women on the beach. As disrespectful as it is.
Since your mom works so hard, maybe YOU can do something nice and kind to show your appreciation of her.
I get that you want to protect her from hurt and harm, but you are the child and it's not your job to micro manage her relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): I appreciate your responses, they are helpful, and I will take your advice. I think I’m in over my head.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): Stay out of it. Maybe your mom knows somethings up but for whatever reason is not ready to do anything about it.I'm speaking from a personal experience.I was SURE (unlike you) that my cousin's husband and a father of her two kids, was cheating on her. Since I was about you age, I asked my mom, a wise woman, and she told me what she thought, explaining the subtleties of marriage and life ;) and left it up to me to decide. I decided to keep my mouth shut.About 10 years later he left my cousin for another woman - a woman he had been with even before meeting my cousin, a women he continued to be with during their marriage, a woman with whom he had a son, about 5 years older than my cousin's kids.Having learned all this, the only question I had was why he decided to marry my cousin in the first place?! I mean he had already found the love of his life and she loved him back and they had a son...After the initial shock, although I think that my mother and I were somewhat less surprised than other members of our family, I realized that there's no way that my cousin hadn't known about it. No way. It was going on during their whole relationship including marriage, for over 20 years! They spent almost all of the time together, they worked together. The only way he managed to pull this off was because this other woman was living in a building next door. As you may have guessed, their kids knew each other.So, stay out of it. From what you describe their marriage is already pretty much on the rocks and there's no way that your mom could not be aware of it.Hang in there. There are other ways to protect your mom. Just be there for her, make sure that your work is done (school) and help her out to lessen her stress. Their marriage is their business. However, should he ever do something to hurt you or threaten you, now that's a different story. Then you need to talk to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): There is not one thing I hate more in the world than people who butt into other people's marriages.This is for your mom to figure out.You are not the one married to him...stay out of it.Have you ever heard the term do not shoot the messenger?That means usually the person delivering bad news gets blamed for the bad news even though the messenger has nothing to do with it.Take my advice....Your mother is a grown woman who can handle her own life...proof in point she is a nurse so she is no dummy.Just stay out of it and only when she asks support her.Yes he may be cheating and I assure you she knows and as a adult she can handle this.Give your mom some credit here.Not your beeswax at all.
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