A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have the highest respect for the aunts on this website. So any tough love is more than welcome. A year back I met a guy who works in retail. Three years younger than me. I have a STD. He doesn't. So it seemed like a fairy tale. He earns much lesser than me. So I didn't mind paying for most of the stuff. He would borrow money but pay it off as manual labor. I thought it was fair He wanted to invest 3000 dollars in crypto. He got it from me. He promised he would return me a share of the profit. I wasn't too concerned. When he made the profit, he paid off his daughter's car loan in tens of thousands. He paid me back 300 and some dollars. His excuse was he wanted to reinvest for our sake. I returned the engagement ring he gave me. Too many fights. My problem began when he started asking me for more money to invest. He started hounding me for money would be accurate. That he was trying to do it for us. But my trust at this point was lost. Single mom. The amount of money was a big deal for me. On top of it, he blamed me for not helping him research the investment and that he owes me nothing for the 3000 dollars I invested. I saw red and yelled at him to leave my home. I am ashamed of my behavior. I am not justifying it in any way. He called me names when I refused him the money and spoke about his daughter's car payment that he made from the previous investment but didn't return me the money. I ended things with him immediately. He has me on his life insurance. I have asked him to remove me. I didn't feel like being in touch in any way. How would you have handled the situation. Thank you. I got depressed and am barely functioning. Afternote: Once when he was drunk, he told me you m******** I can't believe I am risking this STD for you for just 3000 dollars. It was never the same between us again.
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depressed, drunk, his ex, money, std Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2020): OP here:
Thanks honeypie. Mind over matter. I will get there and get there how.
To Male Anonymous:
I don't understand. No where have I said that I hid my STD from him. I wasn't even willing to date him because of it. We didn't even have sex for a year. I am not going to fight battles that are mine.I am not going to date a second time. As a mom, I have realized my energy should be spent on being a mom. This was my last try at love. I have dated three guys in my whole life. Bleh. I can volunteer to help people in need and still feel the same happiness. I have saved every voice message, text to prove he knew of the STD before we started dating.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2020): If you are let us assume 35, he must be 32, if his daughter is 15, then he must have had her at 17 . Only 16 when got her mum on the family way. A bit crazy really.
Did you tell him of your health issue when you started dating him? He could claim that you infected him in any court case. You say you dumped him. My advice is keep it that way, put the money loss behind you and concentrate on the upbringing of your child and next time tell any future partner of you health issue beforehand. Sorry can't say much. Good luck and best wishes for a happy future.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 October 2020):
 If you are dealing with depression, have you talked to a doctor?
I'm not saying "get on meds" but TALKING to someone can perhaps help you work your way out of the depression you mention.
People sometimes get so used to thinking that this feeling sad is only temporary and then 10 years later, they can't get out of bed or enjoy anything. You mental health is important too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2020): OP here to Anon:
His daughter is 15.He is holding the car ready for her when she can begin to drive and now it's already paid off.
I worked for one of the biggest tech giants ever. I am missing something, a very important puzzle piece.Not him scamming me. Something bigger. You are right that I am a sucker.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2020): If you have a lot more money than your date/partner there are bound to be problems for you. First of all why is it that you have more? Is he lazy, is he uneducated, is he irresponsible, is he a spender? Something leads to this being the case!I am a self made millionairess, I made a pile before I reached the age of thirty eight. I had no support, no help whatsoever, no love from anyone, it was all me. I had to leave school at 15 with no qualifications - had no choice, but I sure did put my heart and soul and every second I had into rectifying that situation.At one stage I was living in a tiny pokey house, struggling to pay the bills, and had a full time job, three part time jobs and let out rooms in my house too.It was no fun. But it achieved good results in the long run. Within ten years I was being offered work on television, radio, writing books and had about 200 staff.As such when I met guys who wanted to date me I would never date anyone who had no backbone, no thirst for knowledge, no real sense of responsibility, lazy. I met loads of guys who had excuses for having nothing and sitting around when they could have been doing something about it. They all wanted me to be their mentor, mum and sex toy. They could dream on. When a guy tells me he has no money I think yeah and whose fault is that? He could either improve his prospects and get a better job, or set up his own business like I did, or do some part time work for extra, I did all three, so why has he done none of these?Wanting to borrow money from you to invest in something is hardly working or responsible, it is looking for a get rich quick scheme but he also wanted it to be without any risks to him. If the money had disappeared you would have been the loser. He could not lose at all. A decent man would never ask a woman for money - even if he is saying about paying it back. Once you give a man some money he starts to lose respect for you and sees you as a cash machine instead of a person. Paying for things in return for labour is ridiculous.A normal partner/lover is happy to do things for you, he should not be wanting to be paid for it. You made a huge mistake in bothering with this man in the first place.You were trying to turn a nothing into a something.At best it would run on for a few more years with you being the one who pays out all the time.He never showed any real initiative, he never showed he was grown up.You did not see it but you had an arrangement where you were paying for sex with a loser. I've known of young women selling sex but never of them buying it. I doubt that you have much money anyway, you just had more than him. Believe me when you have worked very hard for it and really made something of yourself you would have seen that this guy is a total loser and avoided him altogether.You will learn one day that it can be better to be single than be with someone. I chose to be single for years because the men I met were not good enough. I don't pay a man to spend time with me. And I would find the company of such a man very boring anyway.There are responsible, hardworking and well educated men out there. Some of them are single and decent.Of course they have a right to be picky about who they settle down with. They might not want a single mum,they might not want a woman who is not earning as much as them, you cannot blame them. But there must be some men out there who have a lot more to offer than this loser you told us about and who would be keen on you too. For the right reasons.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2020): I am OP. I would like to thank every single aunt who didn't hold anything back and gifted me their wise words. I am not going to take him to the court. I can always earn more and save myself the drama. I earn with my brains. I knew what was happening. I put on blinders and tried to make it work. My depression is a huge problem. After no contact, I am a lot better. For now trying to concentrate on keeping house neat. Depression from having made a fool of is killing me. I will be fine. This too shall pass. Thanks so much for your valuable time again.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (20 October 2020):
 I don't think I can add much more than the other lovely aunts have said so I will just hit the high points.
Yes, you made a bad choice in a partner. It happens. Most of us have done this. In the future make sure that you NEVER loan money to a lover unless you have a written binding legal document drawn up. That way you are both covered. Its just the smartest way to go. Steer clear of men asking you for money. If a man starts asking for money, its really time to put a brake on the relationship because the odds are he's not with you for the right reasons.
Your child should ALWAYS come first. Their needs are more important that a grown man who has a job and can fend for himself.
You can try to take him to court and sue I doubt if you'll win unless there is something in writing though. You may just have to chalk the money up as a loss.
I'm sorry this happened to you OP. Just learn from it, and move on. Take care of yourself and your child. Don't dwell on the past just take the lessons you learned with you. Thats really all you can do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): How does he have a daughter who's old enough to drive? If at the oldest you're 35, then at the oldest your ex-boyfriend (scam artist) is 32. At the oldest his daughter is 12? 15 years old if he had her at 17 years old himself. So how has he got a daughter who has a car loan debt??
He is nasty, self-serving and vile. I don't understand what you mean when you say you can't excuse YOUR behaviour. What? How about looking at his? He deserves a lot more thrown at him than a ring.
Don't try to buy affection. Any scam artist will spot a sucker of a woman a mile away and turn nasty when she stops paying out. Keep your wallet tight shut in future relationships. How dare he. I'm angry for you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 October 2020):
 How would others have handled the relationship the relationship you were in ? Who knows, OP. Probably, as badly as you did , or worse... the first time.
Note : the first time.
In life I think the important thing is not never ever to make any mistake ( this is unrealistic ), but to learn from your mistakes so that you are sure you won't repeat them. At 2700 $ , this was an expensive lesson, but if it stuck with you, and if it will prevent you from doing foolish stuff in future, it was well worth the price.
I think that Honeypie covered all the subject thoroughly, I just will add :
1) if ever you decide to lend money in future, whomever you lend it to,... your bf, your sibling, your best friend,...do it through a legally binding contract, in which the other party acknowledges their debt toward you. This would let you recover your money faster through legal ways, if your debtor has any steady income or other assets.. And if he- at least officially- by the time you are to be paid back, has got nothing, not even a pot to p..s in ?,...then you still lose your money but at least won't give him the satisfaction to laugh in your face and say that he owes you nothing !
2 ) You are a single mother and you cannot, just cannot, allow yourself the luxury to play fast and loose with your money and spending it over the first Tom, Dick or Harry who crosses your path.
If you had no children, I'd say : it's your money, spend it any way you want. Some women like to buy designer shoes, some other women like to wine and dine impecunious young men. No big deal.
When you have kids, it is a big deal, because in a way , ethically speaking , .. your money is not all yours, for you to waste it as you please.
If sooner or later one of your kids should need anything that you cannot afford, or that you can afford but stretching your budget a bit and cutting corners , ... say if they should need private tutoring for certain school subjects... or new braces on their teeth, ...new glasses,... whatever- well, what are you going to tell them : sorry , this year you can't get new braces, because your mom throw a few thousands away after her toyboy ? Well of course you wouldn't be telling them this- but I think that telling it to yourself would be enough to make you feel like s..t.
But forget about " need ". Say that you are a resposnible, hardworking single mom, you've got all your bases covered in ref. to your kids, who won't ever have to do without for braces or glasses or anything that they °need°.
Let's talk about " want ".
If you have 3000$ (... but in your case they are more , with all the stuff you have paid for this guy ... ) just begging to be spent, ...well, wouldn't it be better, nicer, safer,saner to splurge on your kids ?... taking them to Disneyworld, or making some special wish of theirs come true ... I don't know, a puppy, an electric guitar, a new computer ?...
If you want to spoil somebody- spoil your children : not an adult male who earns a salary and can take care of himself !
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 October 2020):
EDIT
I wrote:
" 4. Accept that the $2,300 is probably a loss. However if you have ANYTHING in writing you CAN take him to small claims court. TALK to a lawyer."
Should have been...
4. Accept that the $2,700 is probably a loss. However if you have ANYTHING in writing you CAN take him to small claims court. TALK to a lawyer."
Math before coffee should be illegal!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 October 2020):
How would I handle the situation?
1. Learn from this.
2. Date equals (financially and otherwise)
3. Accept that you made a bad choice in partner AND investment. He wasn't worth it personally OR financially.
4. Accept that the $2,300 is probably a loss. However if you have ANYTHING in writing you CAN take him to small claims court. TALK to a lawyer.
5. NEVER loan money to ANYONE if you can't afford the loss. And never add money to a relationship as a way to "buy affection". Because you did. You said you didn't mind paying for most, well you SHOULD. Otherwise you are JUST being used. Which... you ended up BEING. Leave money aside of relationship. You contradict yourself when saying: "So I didn't mind paying for most of the stuff." and then later say "Single mom. The amount of money was a big deal for me." Which leads me to the conclusion that you tried to PAY him to LOVE you. You can't BUY love, OP.
6. You dodged a bullet. This guy wasn't REALLY with you for love and because he wanted YOU. No, he saw it as a way for HIM to financially get where he wants to be. The fact that he paid of his daughters car but NOT the initial loans should tell you everything. He was showing off for the daughter while financially fucking you over. Of he has wanted to reinvest he should have set aside the $3,000 for you and a sum for reinvesting. Instead he wanted to BRAG to his daughter on his "success" which he never could have had without YOUR investment.
6. OK you have and STD, I'm guessing some variation of Herpes/Hep C? So what? IT happens. You inform your partner so they KNOW going into anything that they CAN get it too. I think THAT is something YOU are doing right. The fact that he USED it as ammo against you.... should also tell you that you seriously dodged a bullet here.
Chin up, this guy wasn't right for you. You know it. when you write it was a fairytale, I got to stop you there and tell you, no it wasn't. HE didn't CARE deep down, he saw you as someone he could charm and USE. Be honest with yourself. And we ALL know fairy tales aren't real. They are USUALLY cautionary tales of the past, woven by Disney to sound and look "pretty". They are in reality pretty dark. That is NOT what you should be looking for. You are not 5. You are an adult.
All these loads for HIS lifestyle that he would them "pay it off as manual labor." You could probably have hired someone BETTER to do those things and not had this drama in your life.
You need to find some healthy boundaries here. For SURE. Primarily to NOT involve money in a relationship.
And you need to look back and ACCEPT that you made a REALLY bad choice in partner. This was a bad apple. A charming at first, perhaps but.. overall BAD apple.
Lastly? STOP beating yourself up for dating a douche.
Brush yourself of and DO better next time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): I am so sorry this happened to you.You were being used for money plain and simple.Next time you are in a relationship do not act like you have all this extra money.You do not have to tell anyone let alone just a boyfriend how much money you make.Really the only time you tell is when you get married so you can budget with both incomes.Personally I would have kept the ring and sold it to offset his loan he owes you.Take him to court to get your money back...Do not let him get away with using you like this.What got me real mad was the fact that after he took your money he throws your std back at you.You should be angry...very angry.Never ever take this sloth back and learn from this going forward so you do not repeat this mistake again.Never ever give a boyfriend money again.It really does not matter what his sob story is.A good man who has integrity would never ask you for money no matter how much he needs it.Be mad.Sue him get your money back.learn.
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