A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need someone's advice. I'm 26 yo and just recently I got married, me and my husband have together 10 years he's the only guy in my life and love him more anything and I never lie to him no matter what. but during this time I had a secret that I never told him, I haven't told anyone other than my parents. not even my child's hood best friend doesn't know anything.after we got married we went to our honeymoon well we made love before many times and enjoyed it very much in our honeymoon he begged me to go down on him but I was afraid and I stared to cry.since that night I have nightmares and during the day I behave like a freak.Should I tell him that I was raped when I was 16 yo or bury the secret.?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011):
Tell him.
My wife didn't tell me until after 20 years of marriage. I had my suspicions, though. I am sure your husband has his already. What good will it do to hide it?
I wish my wife would have told me YEARS ago. I would have been much more sympathetic to her and our relationship would be much stronger now.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 December 2011):
 Why do you wish to tell him now? I thought you said you and your boyfriend, now husband, have had sex many times before the marriage? So the fright of giving him a blowjob and the issues you have with sexual relations, didn't they appear prior to your marriage?
I'm just curious to know why you haven't been seeing is at an option to tell him prior to getting married.
But yes, you should tell him. I don't think married couples should keep secrets from each other, and by now you should trust him enough with your heart and soul, you married him after all.
Then make sure you get counseling for this. It happened 10 years ago, but you haven't dealt with the pain until now, you've just been hiding it. Once you start to open up you will benefit greatly from talking it through with a professional.
Tell your husband.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): OP have you had any counselling for this?
You've had some great advice here but the best is going to go get professional help first.
You see you need to make sense of this first before you can even attempt to explain it your husband.
When you can isolate the effects it's had on your life, make sense of those effects and talk it out with a professional then I think you may be in a better position to explain to him. You may even get some expert advice on how to best approach him about it.
In a perfect world he'll have a lovely caring reaction and get over it quickly. But he's your husband you're his world this may well kick his ass emotionally and you have to be prepared for this to really hurt him because it will. I was absolutely devastated for months when my ex told me about her experience. I was literally crushed and couldn't stop crying and thinking about it. I think her telling me the intimate details of the event was a massive mistake (I'm glad she told me it had happened but the details killed me) because even now discussing it I get horrible nightmare-like mental images in my head of those events and we broke up 8 years ago.
I literally couldn't sleep for months, I would lie in bed and my imagination would torture me by playing the whole thing out exactly as she described it, it was like a movie and seemed so clear. It's very difficult to come to terms with having this person of beauty and love you have be treated so horribly and the guilt of feeling so selfish as to not being able to get past that too can unbearable.
I am glad she told me though and I did get over it. I understood her better, could sympathize with her sexual behaviour more and we grew closer because of it. But she had to be very understanding with me too. Because the mix of guilt, anger, sadness and helplessness can be hard to bear for a while.
I would not get into details of the event with him though. Nothing but the age you were and the effects it has had on your life. Knowing the details is torture so even if he presses you for them it's probably best not to tell him.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (4 December 2011):
 It's hard to tell such secrets, but it's harder for him to watch you cry and not to know why. It's always best to tell if you can, but many women can't. If you tell a man about rape, remember he gets hurt as well. Somebody in your past has hurt you, and he can't protect you because it's too late and he doesn't know how to help you know. I say this, because at first his reaction may make things worse, but that's because it will all be new for him, and he will be upset and hurt on your behalf.
Once you tell, he will understand, he will be able to hold you when you cry. He'll understand if you don't like some sexual things, he'll be understanding if you get upset some times for no reason.
Rape is a terrible thing, it hurts women, it hurts men, it hurts family. It's your right to keep it a secret or to tell the ones you love and trust. But secrets destroy you inside, so if you feel like you can tell, it's always a good idea.
Think about counselling.. things like marriage, sex and children can bring back all the memories and the emotions of what was done to you. So sorry baby, he's your husband and he loves you.
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A
male
reader, lakers_lover09 +, writes (4 December 2011):
I have never been in this situation before or known anyone but I can answer the best I kno how. I think that in some ways u havent come to terms with being raped. The nigghtmares are a sign tht it may still be eating away at u. My advice is to talk to a professional firsts, someone who is trained to handle these situations. Ur husband's reaction might be great, or it might hurt u, so I wouldnt go to him first. Talk to a therapist , even If only for one hour and then be done, because they can help u accept it withun urself and make it easier for u to move on. Then u can tell ur boyfriend if u choose.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2011): I was a victim off sexual abuse and I was also raped I found it hard to tell my bf but know I had to if I didn't tell him how would he know he needed to stop if I ended up having a flashback or know when he needed to be sensitive with me x sait him down asnd tell him what happened and why you found it so hard to tell him xxx I'm sure he will understand if u married when I told my bf all he did was hug me he was a bit shocked at first but he just held me and is always their for me and x you also need to see you doctor about getting coucilling it isn't your fault anf getting help with help the noghtmares and flashbacks etc XX
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (4 December 2011):
 Hi,
First of all, I am really sorry that you had such a horrific experience in such a young age. You are a survivor, and very strong person for keeping this secret for so many years. I admire your strengh.... I am sure you are a beautiful person.
I think you should do what your heart tells you to do. It's ok if you want to keep this secret from him for the rest of your life. In this case you have the right to keep this as a secret from your husband, I'd not judge for that. But, what concerns me is that you've been very stress, causing you pain? My honest opinion is: if I were you, I would talk to your husband and tell him the truth. Why?: 1) you are in pain. 2) he deserves to know why you are behaving this way. He loves you unconditionally, and he's probably confused when you are not happy. I am sure he tries his best to make you happy, and sometimes he might be wondering why?
I would say, if you can go on in life in peace with this secret, you keep it a
secret, but if this is hurting you, you and your husband deserve to be free of this pain. I wish you and your new husband a life time of happiness. May God bless you both with love and health. I hope you make many of beautiful memories together.
Have a wonderful holiday!
Good luck
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (4 December 2011):
 Claraw had excellent advice. Let me give you a bit from the other side, albeit second hand.
A very good friend married a girl when she was around your age. The marriage looked to be on track, except that their sex life, which had been OK when they were dating, went to nil after they were married. It turned out, only after things had become irretrievable, that she had been sexually abused.
My friend was a good guy, and he'd have gone to the ends of the earth to help his wife. But, not knowing what was getting in the way, he was at a loss.
You're married, you've chosen to make your life with this chap. And what happened to you is going to get in the way. Unless you're aware of something in his makeup that prevents him from dealing with the issue, then do tell him. A good guy will want to know, will want to help you get firmly past it, and will want to be aware of triggers to avoid.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (4 December 2011):
 I have been raped myself, and I know how difficult it is to tell someone you love what happened to you. From my personal experience I can say that although it's hard to tell him, it is the best thing to do. Just remember when you tell him that he will be shocked, and may not know how to react. Once the intial shock wares off, he will come to realise and understand some of your behaviour that he didn't quite understand before. It is extremely hard and scary to tell of something like this, but once the secret is exposed things get better. I hope this has helped in some way. I am so sorry you lived through the ordeal of being raped and I wish you only the best for the future.
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