A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been separated from my husband of 3 years for 4 months now. There has been a history of emotional and verbal abuse throughout the 6 years we have been together. During our last separation (about 2 years ago, for 7 months), I met a girl who became my roomate because we both had children we were supporting alone. I became involved physically with her a few times. I wasn't really looking for anything, she just made me feel special and wanted - I don't even like girls. So the whole experience was very unlike me mostly because I was still legally married and knew it was cheating. As it turns out she turned out to be a big scam artist and alcoholic who just took advantage of me because I worked and she didn't. I never cared about any of that so much as I did the fact that I committed such a transgression - moreso against my own morals, really.Anyways when we reconciled (which was not my choice) my husband asked if we had any relationship other than friendship on a number of occasions and I lied and said no. I have never lied to him about anything else before - that also ate at me. Him being so volatile, jealous, and irrational made me afraid to tell him the truth when I wanted to.I am wondering if I should tell him the truth now. Her name came up in conversation today (he saw her out recently, go figure. They had met when we reconciled) and I'm thinking she told him some things. He mentioned it but didn't want to talk about it and, unlike him, wanted to move onto another topic - seemed pretty bothered. But I still feel guilty about lying to him sometimes. He has put me through hell on this earth and yet I still don't use his behavior as an excuse for what I did. I want a divorce and recently told him as much. Should I go there, or just leave it alone?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe reconciled the last time because his housing fell thru and he needed a place to stay. What was supposed to be a week or two stay to get it together turned into another 1.5 years of hardship because he wouldn't leave: just began begging and pleading, making promises, making me feel guilty, etc. He stopped looking for apartments altogether cause I guess he figured he was back in. However, his behavior just stayed the same from before and in some cases got worse.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): Why did you reconcile if it was not your choice??
Yes he has a right to know if you cheated or not so he can make informed choices about his life and what he wants to do and who he wants to have a relationship with.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (8 January 2011):
 Sounds like you'd only be making things worse for yourself. He hasn't earned your trust to feel comfortable telling him everything. So keep it this way. This should not be the issue, but rather why are you with him? If he is abusive, you deserve better and your kids do not need to see how he treats you. So don't worry about this, think now about yourself and how to make things better for yourself.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (8 January 2011):
I would just leave it alone. What's to be gained by it? What happened, happened and you can't change the past. Don't beat yourself up over it, either. Some things are just best left unsaid. Good luck.
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