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female
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anonymous
writes: A good friend of mine is marrying my cousin...I have known her for 29 years and I am in the wedding party which is taking place in Cuba.I recently just returned from a destination wedding myself so I have a good idea as to what works and what does not.We went wedding gown shopping and she had tried on a beautiful dress that really looks stunning on her and is appropriate for a beach wedding. ...let me add she is very broad at the top and a tiny waist so the dress gave her a beautiful figure as well, and it was nice and light as I want her to be comfortable on the day.Needless to say, after I left her and her mother and 2 other bridesmaids continued to other stores, and she ended up choosing a dress, that not only does nothing for her figure but is so not appropriate for a beach wedding. She will swealter in this gown. I cant even believe any salesperson would allow her to try it on.It may have worked and she may have loved it had she gotten married in a church as it is very regal.Needless to say thats the dress she bought and the rest of the wedding party agreed with her as opposed to being honest. Should I just bite my tounge?I really just want her to be beautiful and comfortable at her wedding and I really dont think she will be in this dress.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 So she cried when she tried on the second dress ?...
Eh, you see : you are the voice of reason. But the regal dress calls to her heart. Head vs. heart, as so often it happens in love matters... only, this time she can safely follow the voice of her heart, without risking anything ( except perhaps a sweaty, clammy back ).
Which is nothing, if you think about it, compared to the groom. Your poor cousin ! Won't he have to show up in a suit and a shirt and maybe a tie ? I don't think he is going to show up at his location wedding in his Speedos... and even if he chooses something very fresh, like light linen, hey it's still Cuba, still a beach and still June ( 2013 ).
They'll suffer through it together... I am sure they'll both survive :)
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 "I dont know about you but if I was wearing a thousand pound satin dress melting to my body for hours and hours I wouldnt be enjoying myself. "You have to realize that THAT is you. YOU are the one who feels you need to have a certain dress for a destination wedding and that it needs to be comfortable. I don't think there are rules on what you can or cannot wear on a beach wedding. Maybe she doesn't want the cliche beach gown. Maybe she wants something more more extravagant, even if she's in a non formal setting. Maybe she doesn't care about being comfortable. I don't know too many women that dress for comfort where I come from. It's about putting forth your best and for special occasions, many women like to go all out. This is not about practicalities and logistics. This is about how she envisions her gown and her wedding, so just let it go. She made her choice, you made yours. Let her live a little and don't be too confined in what is acceptable and what is not depending on the location.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (19 June 2012):
 If you are truly good friends, ask her if this is the dress SHE wanted or did she feel talked into it. You might be able to simply say, "Oh, I thought you were going with the other dress, you looked amazing in it and it would be perfect for a beach wedding without making you melt from the heat..." If she still seems mezmerized by the dress she ended up with, then let it go. She'll figure it out the hard way. The only chance you have of sayin more is f she appears to have given in to peer pressure. If that is the case, you could level with her about how much more flattering the other dress was for her figure. Compliments usually turn a girls head around quicker than anything. Good luck
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (18 June 2012):
 I was not trying to be nasty, but I distinctly remember you saying "should I tell her or bite my tongue?". I was just telling you you should bite your tongue. Now you do not like the answer that was given to your question, so why post it if you just want others to agree with you and not get you to think in different ways. Just like your friend getting married, I answered your question with my own view. You did not like it so now you are saying I read your question inappropriately. A wedding is a very important day in a woman's life. She wants her friends there to be friends, not be critical or be overly opinionated of the choices she makes. If you didn't like her husband would you be telling her that too? Or, if you don't like her hair that day, will you be telling her it doesn't suit the wedding? She should have done it differently. People have the freedom to make the choices they want without interference from others. If she is your friend, you should respect her decisions and let this be her day complete with her preferences. As far as my attitude, like one of the other aunts said, we like to deal in facts here and not sugar coat things so that we may help people. If you don't want a variety of responses to help think through your dilemma, you may want to consider not posting questions on here and ask those who will always agree with you.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 June 2012):
 No need to get personal. Bondgirl has a right to her opinion as well, and I don't think there is a need to take offense from what she said. You do come off as a know it all claiming you know what is best for your friend (and better than she knows herself) based on you having been to one previous destination wedding.
How you word yourself is important, but at the end of the day what Bondgirl points out is that not all people welcome constructive or "helpful" criticism, especially when it comes to delicate topics as their wedding dress.
Bondegirl's reply was not nasty.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2012):
 I guess at a certain point you have to decide who is being served by 'the truth.' And how much you need to hammer home 'the truth.'
I bought the first wedding dress I tried on. I tried on 40-50 dresses after trying that one on, but I had fallen in love with it. I thought to myself, "I can't buy the very first wedding dress I tried on, that would be ridiculous." But there it is.
You buy the dress you want. You spend too much money. You love it to pieces.
I didn't pee for 8 hours in the damn dress because I was afraid I would get the dress dirty in the bathroom stalls.
It's just one day. If she loves it and feels good in it, I'm not sure what bursting her bubble would do, except make her feel bad about her choice. Even if she would go back to the dress you preferred, there would always be a little black cloud over either dress.
"This is the dress my friend loved and thought would be appropriate." "This is the dress my mum and two other bridesmaids and I loved but she didn't."
If she has purchased the dress, let it go. If she is still looking, then let her be. Really, this sounds more about your being right than her happiness, with that followup.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice. It seems most agree to leave it be and a couple think the opposite. I believe we are all different and all friendships are different after all the comments.Bondgirl72....Isnt that what friends are for? I mean if you cant tell your best friend the truth then really who can you trust. I didnt post this to get nasty responses nor did I say I was a know it all either.And maybe you got a good telling off because of how you approached the situation, cause I can clearly tell just by your response and the attitude you brought in it.I would never tell her she looked hidious nor did I say the dress was hidious, what I said was it doesnt suit the wedding itself. Maybe read properly before you respond so inappropriately.
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (18 June 2012):
I do not see how you think this is any of your business whatsoever. You gave your opinion, she chose otherwise. Please respect her and her choices. I made the mistake of telling my best friend that I did not like the bridesmaid dresses. They were hideous as were the shoes and jewelry...I was a bridesmaid and got a good telling off. If you want her to be happy...let her make her choices and don't argue. You are there as her friend and her support system, not a boss or know-it-all.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 June 2012):
Yes, just bite your tongue. She chose the dress she wanted. It may not be the dress YOU wanted for her, but you've given her your advice already. Relax, let it go, it's not your thing to 'fix' or edit or make right somehow... she will live, you will live, it'll be a great celebration.
Have fun at the wedding!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 June 2012):
 you told her you didn't think it was a good choice and why
that's all you can do.
the day of the wedding have lots of cool moist clothes in your bag to wipe her brown and resist saying "told you so"
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 June 2012):
Sounds like you already did your duty as a close friend and told her the other dress was better, yet she still wants this one. You could try to press the matter though and ask her if she doesn't want to go shopping again as there's still a lot of time left and after all it was her first day shopping for a dress.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (18 June 2012):
She will be beautiful and comfortable wearing what she wants to wear. If she isn't, that is her choice. This isn't your wedding, so it is best to support your friend in her choice and wish her well.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 June 2012):
Let her be , and let her wear what she wants. And if you can't say anything nice,..don't say anything. If she likes her choice and she thinks it suits her fine, she won't return it just to make you happy - but, she will be secretly mortified by knowing that not everybody sees her as glamorous as she sees herself, and this will play in the back of her mind.
Besides, maybe she cares about looking regal more than about being comfortable. A wedding gown is very seldom chosen for comfort, otherwise people would get married in tracksuits . It's more about living a fantasy for once in your life- maybe her fantasy is to look awe inspiring and " important " like a queen. If she is really THAT uncomfortable , she can go change with something simpler and lighter right after the ceremony , and after taking some pics- but let her be queen for a day, or even for just a couple of hours.
I sort of envy your friend.. I got married in the heart of the winter in the draftiest , coldest cathedral ever so I knew in advance that a lowcut, sleveless dress was not an option. Plus, being younger I was much more into doing "the appropriate thing ", as opposed to the heck I want of later years , and I had a very bourgeois horror of anything garish, eyecatching, " too much ". So I choose a very minimalist, sophisticated number in cream silk, long sleeves, all modestly closed up to the neck. Elegant, but.... looking at the pics years later , I look like some sort of well dressed nun, or the patient of some very expensive mental institution, more than a bride.
If I 'll ever get remarried ( improbable, but I could always have a bout of senile dementia in my 80's ) I'll go all out : tiaras, and ruffles, and flounces and veils and rhinestones - the works ! And I hope that my friends will LIE to me shamelessly and tell me oh you look
so beautiful :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo Very Confused....I saw a picture, at the time I told her I didnt think it was appropriate and that she would be uncomfotable, she said its the one cause everyone loved it.Chigirl....We are very close and very good friends of 29 years and I am in the wedding party and she is marrying my cousin whom I introduced her to. I am not a wedding dress professional however the lady at the boutique is, and should have known better. You walk into a store and provide your budget date and location to these people who are supposed to guide you. My thought is what idiot even pulled it off the rack, and let her try it on to begin with....she should be fired.I will specify once again, there is no doubt that she looks good in the dress, but she looks stunning in the other and is way more suitable for a destination wedding. I dont know about you but if I was wearing a thousand pound satin dress melting to my body for hours and hours I wouldnt be enjoying myself. As a good friend I want her to be happy as well, but it was her first day out shopping, and I truly feel that she could have done some more shopping afterall there is no rush its a year away. Thanks for your responses.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 June 2012):
 It's HER wedding. If that is HER dress I wouldn't say a thing.
Now if she ASKS you what you think about dress #1 and the one she picked be diplomatic, but honest.
Friend of mine bought a full glamour ball gown type wedding dress for her "back yard" wedding. Because she had pictured herself in one of those since she was 5 years old. And you know what, she felt like a million bucks princess and had a great day. THAT is all that matters.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 June 2012):
How good of a friend are you? You have two options: do a quick intervention under four eyes and tell her the truth, that she looked stunning in the first one and that she should consider. But this option is ONLY if you are best of friends and have each others back. If she's just a semi so-so friend... uh, leave it be. It's her day after all, she gets to wear whatever stupid dress she wants.
I've had two friends get married last summer, although I was no attending either party (they were both small family weddings). One girl I've been close with before, but after she got kids we lost contact. The other I've been close friends with her husband, and after he started dating her we've had an open and honest friendship as well. Yet.. well, they both had silly dresses that did not suit them at all, it was pure horror. I feel like a terrible friend even saying this, but it's the truth after all. The dresses were gruesome.
Yet, I've said nothing to them at all. They both LOVED their own dresses, and after all that is what is most important, right? That they THEMSELVES love what they wear. I don't think the point is to wear something that look lovely in pictures for your granchildren to look at. Who among those who married in the 80's can brag about their dress, with poofed up sleeves and poodle hair? But the point I think matter the most is: that they love it right here and now.
And, not to be rude, but having attended a wedding before doesn't qualify you as an expert on dresses or weddings. All you have is your own personal taste after all. And your taste might differ from hers, and from the others in the wedding party.
But, if it is indeed a horrible thing she's picked out, and you are good friends, and IF there is time to shop for another dress... talk to her about it. Test the waters. Ask her how she feels about it and about the location and why she decided on that particular dress and hear if she might not be in doubt, then jump on that and take her shopping again.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (18 June 2012):
 No, don't bite your tongue. But it doesn't have to be a big drama, either. Do you think she'll take it badly if you give her advise? Is that why you're in a quandary about this? If it was me, I'd appreciate all the help and advise I could get.
So I think that you should arrange to have a chat, and keep it positive by telling her how flattering the original dress was and appropriate for the climate etc etc. You don't need to say anything negative about the bew dress, except that you think she may find it too hot!
Once you've given your advise, you have done all you can do and it's up to her whether or not she follows it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012): I was sent a picture of her in the dress. She said she cried when she put it on, which is nice, I am not saying she doesn't look good in the dress. She never should have had the opportunity to try a dress like that on to begin with. I was also told that they all loved it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 June 2012):
how do you know about this dress if you were not with her when she choose it.. have you seen her in the dress?
if so why didn't you say something then?
and do you know the rest of the wedding party was no honest?
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