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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi, one creepy loser here.I'm getting married at the end of August and had my bachelor party last weekend. To cut a long story short I got extremely drunk at the party and kissed another girl. It lasted less than a few seconds and nothing more happened, but in the cold light of day the next morning I felt awful almost suicidal, and still do now, which I know I deserve.I'm 99% sure none of my buddies saw me kiss this girl. I haven't told my fiancee yet and am trying to figure out whether or not I should... On the one hand I think it would be extremely selfish of me to ruin what should be the happiest time of her life and potentially our whole relationship in order to alleviate my own conscience, on the other I really don't want her hearing from someone else, unlikely as that may be. Also I'm worried that the day will come when I blurt the truth out because I can't stand living a lie anymore, and I know the longer I leave it the worse it will be for her.I've already spoiled my wedding day for myself as I know I'm going to feel hollow and miserable saying my vows. I have never done anything like this before in our relationship, and never will again. With hindsight I wish I'd never had a damn party, it reminded me that I gave up crazy drinking years ago because alcohol turns me into a horny, sleazy scumbag, which caused me a lot of morning after embarrassment and regret even when I was single. Sober I never would behave that way, and the only consolation I've got is that this incident could've been a lot more serious, i.e. if I'd had sex with this girl.Should I tell my fiancee or not?
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male
reader, Starmonster888  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 If you feel guilty about it, tell her, but I wouldn't hold it against you if you didn't, because its a stag night, temptation is guaranteed and alcohol alters our thought processes so yes, being drunk is an excuse in this context. Had you been drunk at a wedding or something to that effect, it wouldn't be because you should be intoxicated in that situation, but its a BACHELOR PARTY. You don't have a bachelor party to make rational decisions!
A
female
reader, dmartin89 +, writes (30 July 2011):
 If I was your fiancée, I wouldn't want to know. Its clear you regret it and would never again put yourself in that situation of kissing another woman. Put it behind you. If you tell her, it would only be to relieve YOUR guilt, which I believe would be a selfish act.
Don't tell her, move on, be a good husband!
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female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (30 July 2011):
 i guess all those ppl who said 'it was just a kiss' wouldn't care if their partner cheated on them by kissing some else?
If you plan on marrying this Girl, she deserves to make her own mind up about whether she wants to marry you. You still cheated, alcohol is no excuse and i am of the opinion that a bucks night is also no excuse. Perhaps some women dont mind their fiancé having one last fling but i sure would. And i would want to know if i was cheated on so i could decide if i still wanted to be with him. For one kiss i'd prob stick around but he'd wanna be nice haha.
If your fiancé had kissed another guy, would you wanna know? What you expect is prob what you should do. Who knows maybe she did the same on her hens night
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 July 2011):
 Being drunk is no excuse. It never is. Yes, like I said, you could have done worse, but the possibility of doing worse doesn't excuse things none the less. You are responsible for your own actions, whether at a bachelor party or not.
Anyway. Most people tell you not to tell her, and I would have agreed not to tell her, as it was only a kiss. You used tongue... so this was a little more serious than I first assumed. You don't recall why you did it? What made it happen? Anyway, the reason I advice you to tell her comes down to what sort of relationship/marriage you want. Do you want a marriage where you sneak around and hide things from each other, "what you don't know won't hurt you"? Or do you want an honest and open marriage with good communication lines?
The choices you make define how your marriage will be, now and in the future. You decide what form of marriage you want. You decide how intimate and honest you and your future wife are going to be.
Personally I am inspired by a couple I know who are getting married this summer. They are the ultimate couple when it comes to openness and honesty, and I hope I too can find such a connection with someone one day. They talk about EVERYTHING. It is admirable, and if you have a chance of having that sort of communication you shouldn't hide things from your fiancé, because then you will lose out on having that form of communication and that level of honesty. The man in the couple and I had a fling a few years back (some years before he met his now fiancé), and he was crushing on me. I spent a few nights at theirs, visiting, and the woman knew everything that had went down between me and him, she welcomed me and had no problem at all with the three of us being friends. She knew it all, and even took my side and had him apologize to me for some crap he'd done. I was impressed by them, and they have set the standard for at what level honesty should be at. They hide absolutely nothing from each other, and you can see their connection from miles away. I say, that form of connection is worth trying for, and fighting for. Especially when it is with the woman you are planning to spend the rest of your life with.
If you can not be honest with her about this... then what else in life will happen that you will need to keep secret? What if she messes up and wants to be honest with you, would you be able to handle it? Should a marriage be based on what looks good from the outside, or should it be based on what really goes on underneath the shiny exterior? You alone decide how deep you want your connection with you future wife to be, if you want the connection to be shallow (hiding things away) or deep (honesty and openness). If she can not accept you for who you are (a human who is capable of making errors) then you will forever feel like you have to keep up some mask, and hide away things you do wrong out of fear that she will reject you.
So, I think you should be honest, and I think you deserve to be forgiven too. This is a test for you, and a test for her.
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female
reader, youngandrestless  +, writes (29 July 2011):
 dont sweat it, it was your bachelor party, the one last night you get to do something stupid. honestly it will be much easier if you just tell her and apologize than if she finds out by accident from one of her or your friends. if she loves you and is marrying you, i highly doubt she will be upset over a kiss, especially if you are so worried about it you have to ask for advice over it. on my end you sound like a great guy and she is lucky to have you. congrats on the wedding!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): what would be your response if the shoe was on the other foot?...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was more than a peck on the cheek (there was tongue) but didn't qualify as a "make-out session" either. It lasted a split second before both the girl and I had that "holy shit, woah!" moment and backed off. I don't claim being so drunk I hardly knew my own name let alone my fiancees is a valid excuse, however, in my opinion it's more forgiveable than 'sober' cheating as in those cases the affair is intentional, and usually involves careful prior planning in order to meet the other person. It didn't occur to me to be cautious that night as I can honestly say the temptation for "one last fling" wasn't in my mind at all. Yes you're right, by my age I should know my alcohol limits and the consequences of exceeding those limits, however, that's easier said than done when you're on your bachelor party and friends keep buying you vodka after vodka, and you're obliged to be a good sport..."Are you happy to give your life, your fidelity and your future kisses to your soon to be wife?"More than happy, I feel priveleged to be doing so, if a little undeserving right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): I wouldnt tell her.. not unless kissing that other girl meant something (and im pretty sure it didnt) I did exactly the same thing to my fiance 18months ago and it haunted me ever since but at the end of the day why should we ruin their happiness bacause we cant live with guilt of something stupid that we did? It wouldnt be fair 2 tell her she'd probably never let it go and you would never move on from this.. I never told my partner and i'm glad i didnt we went on to have a beautiful baby girl and i've finally started moving on from it myself.. Shit happens when we drink is it really worth ruining your relationship n soon 2 be marriage over a stupid kiss??
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (28 July 2011):
 You have not spoiled your wedding day. The vows you will make SHOULD be joyful and sincere. Are you happy to give your life, your fidelity and your future kisses to your soon to be wife? Then time to readjust your attitude.
It is not the end of the world. If you really feel you need to come clean with her..do it BEFORE the wedding.
That does not sound like the case, but if you feel poorly from the smootch, hold on to what you learned about making that mistake!
OP quote
"I've already spoiled my wedding day for myself as I know I'm going to feel hollow and miserable saying my vows. I have never done anything like this before in our relationship, and never will again."
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): A few seconds long isn't what I would consider grounds for possibly ruining what sound like a devoted, beautiful relationship. THe fact that you are so disturbed by it is proof that you are upstanding, loving of your fiancee and had no intention of it going that far. Be glad that's all that happened and move on. Find a way to bury your feelings of guilt. Even if soeone did see you, it's highly unlikely they will tell her.
Marriages are a very stressful, confusing time on their own. Add to that alcohol, peer pressure, buddies, women and the like, and you have a pretty wild mix. Considering this and what happened, I'd say you got through pretty unscathed. The vows come in to play when you say them. Feel strong in your promise when you say them and use what happened as a reason why you intend to keep that promise.
But, don't put yourself in that kind of situation again. Ever
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 July 2011):
Was it a quick peck or a make-out session? Was there tongue? The way you described the kiss it sounds like a quick peck. Any idea why it happened?
Quick pecks are fine. Well, they're not supposed to happen, but it isn't the end of the world, nor should it be the end of the relationship. Tell her. In any other circumstance I'd say don't bother telling her, but this isn't some girl you've just met. This is someone you are about to marry. Communication lines should be as open as possible at this stage.
If she's not hysterical (you know her the best) she'll see this isn't the worst thing you could have done. Forgetting about your anniversary, or your child's birthday, comes up on the same rank as this, in my book anyway. She could be different. But it is nowhere near making out, groping, or having sex with someone else, or stealing from her, fraud, use her economically and land her in financial ruin etc.
The fact that you could have done worse doesn't excuse you, but in the big picture of things this doesn't have to mean the relationship is over.
Don't ruin your wedding day by keeping it a secret. Start the marriage with open communication. If you can't talk to her about the faults you make, then how are you to stay married to her for the rest of your life? Undoubtedly you will screw up one time or another, as will she. You still promised to stick to it no matter what. Granted you haven't taken the vows yet, but you are both mentally prepared to take those vows, so should be ready to exercise what they mean and stand for.
Don't get drunk like that again. By now you should have learned where the limit is for you, as this isn't the first time you've gotten too drunk and regretted it. Shame on you for getting too drunk when you know what will happen. But, if your girl can't handle this incident then I dare say she wasn't prepared to marry you and it would have ended in divorce quickly.
Keep doing things like that and it can end in divorce anyway, but as a one time off and rare occurrence, I'd forgive it and work through it. Prepare to have to fight to win her trust back! And, the wedding might be postponed, but do not fret, it's natural that she might need some time to process and deal with it. Doesn't mean you can't marry later.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): My fiancee told me of a drunken, one-time indiscretion and I wish I never found out. If you love her, don't tell her. You're going to fill her head with seeds of mistrust and she will probably resent you for the rest of her life, even if she stays with you. While I do find your actions despicable, if this was indeed your first indiscretion, just make sure it never happens again. Do tell her though, if you suspect anyone saw you and would be willing to tell her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): Telling her is pointless and not worth the drama that it is likely to cause.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): Dude chill ! its was just a meaningless kiss and u werent even concious.. i think ur just having cold feet and blaming it on some stupid kiss. Just relax, breathe, tht kiss meant nothing so dont go ruining ur best day and hers over NOTHING ! just enjoy it, it was ur last single night out :P. Dont tell her coz she will definitely over react and stress and panic because she is too now in an important ohase if her life, makin herself ready for a lifelong comitement. be careful next time when ur drinking
Gd luk xx
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female
reader, kutieaag +, writes (28 July 2011):
well I am a girl and I wouldnt tell her. I know I wouldnt want to be told. If you think that this will happen again... then tell her and let her decide what she wants to do. You are not married yet. if this was done after you both where married than hands down tell her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): If it was an accident, then no don't tell her. You truly regret what happened and there were no feelings involved. Don't let this ruin your relationship. It happened. Now forget about it. Get married and be happy with your gf.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): Simple, you're not married yet, and it was only a kiss, so NO. Don't tell her. It doesn't really matter, my wife has danced with and kissed other guys since we're married, just so it wasn't the makeout kind of kiss, then you have a problem. If it was just a quick kiss, then I say don't ever think about it and don't tell her, ""It didn't happen"".
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