A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with this guy going on two years, living together the last year. We have been described as being "each others opposites." He's very serious, already has his next five years of his life and finances planned out, introverted, and it's such a reward when he loosens up and I love that I bring that out of him. I have been described as very outgoing, a free spirit, and a positive person to be around. I love him dearly but for the past 3-5 months we've been having a very big decline in our relationship where I felt like he was just so negative about me, my looks, and who I am. After so long of that feeling wearing down on me, I said that we should break up and I moved out. After about three days of not living with him, he and I talked about our relationship and he told me that he wants to do everything to fix it and suggested we spend a few days writing a letter to each other about what our concerns are about our relationship so we can get everything out that we wanted to say, as well he suggested that we take counseling, in the worst case scenario. We wrote the letters to each other and his was basically that since I expect him to loosen up more, that I have to give and take and also learn to be more financially responsible -- which I totally agree with him. The letter really helped me to see that he did love me for me. But that was a week and a half ago, and we were on the phone last night talking about the job interview I had yesterday for a daytime job (I already have a night job) when someone beeped in at 11:30 at night. Usually he would say "Hey such and such is calling I'll call you back" or "Such and such is calling, I'll call them back later." But his ex-girlfriend was calling and he rushingly said "Hey, I'll call you right back. Someone's calling." And I said "Uhh.. okay?" and he said "I'll call you right back." And then he hung up. He called me back about 5 or so minutes later, but instantly jumped back into what we were talking about before and never explained what happened. This is a guy who never gets phone calls after 9 pm. The reason I know it was his ex-girlfriend, is because I later asked "So was everything okay? That's weird you'd get a phone call at 11:30 at night." He told me it was Sarah, his ex, and that she (being a server) got offered a management position and she wanted advice on it, which really brought up the feelings I have had previously before and that's what I really want advice on.Sarah and him dated from when he was 16 until he was 24. Her brother is one of his close friends, but they do not live together. When they dated, throughout the relationship, she accumulated about $8,000 that she borrowed from him and said she would pay back. She has gotten it down, after 4 years of being apart, to about $1500, and usually around the middle of the month they would make an arrangement to meet somewhere so should give him the money, whether it was meeting him at work/at home/through her brother/etc.We share a computer and we both use google voice, so sometimes when I would log in to GV, his would still be logged in. I never really snooped because I didn't feel like I needed to, but when I did see her name, it did make me uncomfortable. There was one point four months prior to our breakup where I saw a message from her to him saying "Hey, I'm sorry about the movie thing. I just don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt." Throughout their relationship, he was really mean to her and made her feel bad about herself, while she did everything for him. He says that he makes up for it now by always being kind to her. But, the past few months, they've been talking more often, about each others days and what not and I saw a text message about him asking if she was working or not because he "wanted to see her and get a beer" because she's a bartender at a restaraunt. I have felt consecutively, now worse than ever, that I was just his backup plan, that because he treated her so badly, she doesn't want to be with him and she's off being happy now and that he still wants to be with her but can't be. I understand entirely that they need to talk because of money, but everything else -- I don't feel like I could ever be his priority because of her. It's like there is three people in this relationship, not two. And now, we're having problems, and I haven't moved back in and the phone call last night kind of upset me. I didn't make it apparent to him. But. I feel like she is too much a part of his life and that he still holds on to her. On top of that, I dated my best friend of 6 years prior to this guy, for only about 8 months when I realized that our friendship meant to much. I am not allowed to talk to that ex, but he can talk to Sarah, see her, and talk to her a lot. It makes me highly uncomfortable and I have felt greatly that I am not a priority. Please help!
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at work, best friend, ex girlfriend, his ex, money, moved out, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2011): Hello,
I read your letter and most of it seemed like a friendly relationship between your boyfriend and his ex girlfriend and that could be really normal after dating someone for so long. It surprised me in the end when you said he's not allowing you to talk to your ex, which it is wrong in so many ways. Being in a relationship doesn't mean controlling someone and that applies to you as well. While I see that your boyfriend did some wrongs here, you still can't tell him who he is allowed to talk to and at what time.
What I would do is confront him about the messages and get an explanation from him. You can continue playing the detective, but the only way to know for sure is to ask him. Why did you decide to move if you didn't want the relationship to be over?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast night, I discussed this matter with my boyfriend and his response was basically that she is nothing to worry about. He said because she is the bartender at the restaraunt, she can give him free beer and I agree that is a plus. He also said that he's never asked to hang out with her (even though I saw that text message about her apologizing about the movies) personally to have fun and that the only time they have ever met was for 5-10 minutes to exchange money, and that he doesn't really know her anymore and that if they were to get back together that'd be too much work to start over. He said that all she did was complain when they were together and she drained his wallet, not being able to hold her own ground. But. Now she's about to be a manager, she has her own apartment, has a new car, and she seems like she has her stuff together. It's just so hard to believe him, but I really do want to. I want to be okay with this. He says he still has to be nice to her but that he does agree that he is never to go out of his way for her or try to hang out with her. I really want to know how to make it work. I told him that as long as he agrees she is just to be purely "we are only to communicate as far as money goes" then I will learn to be comfortable with it. I said that I am the one who is upset and hurt by this and that it is his job to help me not be. I also failed to mention that I was in a five year relationship with a guy who, the last three years of it, he cheated on me but i never had real proof and he made me feel like I was insane. Throughout the relationship he brought up his ex-girlfriend and how he missed her and regretted the break up, so I willingly will admit that there is a bit of that helping to fuel the fire. I really just hope to find someone who understands where I am coming from and tell me that they did get through it.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (29 July 2011):
 You have to tell him everything that you have said here. If he really is willing to do whatever it takes to make this relationship work then he needs to listen to you on this ex issue and understand your point of view.
He absolutely should not have this double standard where you cant talk to (what is actually a very old friend) your ex but he can talk to her, go out for a beer with her....that is very wrong. If he wants to remain friends with her then thats his choice, and in some cases that can be fine and works well. But if it makes you uncomfortable and he has this double standard, you have to tell him how you feel.
He doesnt even need to be in touch with her about the money really, with internet banking she could just transfer the money direct to his account, or she could do that in the bank. She doesnt need to meet him to give him cash, that seems a bit off to me - almost like an excuse so they can meet up monthly.
All you can do is explain your concerns and then work out together what you want to do about it. Demanding he cuts off contact with her might not work, he will probably just get annoyed with you. But if you explain that you feel like a back up plan and his constant contact with her makes you feel uncomfortable, that is perfectly justifiable. If you struggle to talk to him face to face, maybe write him another letter?
You have to talk about this and work on the issue together - dont keep quiet on this, its not fair on you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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