A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all i wanted to ask what you thought of this situation with my ex and possibly what i could/should do about it.Its complicated, We split up when i was 3 months pregnant due to his cheating.Within a week and a half he found someone else and then within a month they were engaged.I took it quite hard because i was pregnant but refused to show that especially to him. i bottled up big style.While i was with him i became good friends with his teenage daughter, shes a diamond. I always welcomed her visits when me and him lived together and loved to make up the friendship and she was over the moon at having a baby brother.But then i moved out of my ex's after the split and got my own place.We remained friends after the split although contact became limited as she was very busy with school.Now iv had my son, her visits to my place are regular again and im enjoying her company shes such a lovely girl, however since her dad has been with this other woman, he hasnt bothered with her much. Hes seen my son often, but not her and i cant get my head around it. Its only been since hes engaged to her and hes had her number and still .... nothing. she never knows when to visit him as he doesnt reply to her messages or return her calls.Its bizarre as he showed alot of interest when i was around, and now its just strange.I have kind of took her under my wing a little as i sympathise with her, which i do not mind, i see her as family, shes my sons big sister after all, but im not her parent , he is, so why am i picking up the pieces here when he should be? I just dont feel like its my responsibility to keep his kids in contact with their new little brother when theyre his kids! and theres a few! I dont mind doing this, just cant figure out why he isnt bothered. he does visit my son, so why not make effort with her too? he wont even come when shes at mine. just ignores the phone, or makes excusesShe feels pushed out because when she did visit, it was always the place where we lived together, now he spends his time at his new fiancee's.Doesnt the fiancee see that his kids have to come first? is she the problem?And that bugs me as he moved on so quick! a week and a half! jeez its quick! I suppose because i did bottle up all my feelings and anger when we split its hitting me now im not pregnant. Its all flooding in and im emotionally drained and overwhelmed by it all. My hatred towards him is growing by the minute and all this now has escalated that!He made me feel a fool and now hes doing it to his own family. Its just not fair and i dont know what to say or how to approach this at all.I really dont mind looking out for this girl, as her own mother, is around, but has problems herself so id hate to see her go without that proper role model, and continuing our friendship but how can i make him see that this is his responsibility too, to make an effort, or should i keep my nose out and let them fall out? i just dont know whats best.Id hate to see father and daughter fall out. families family at the end of the day. bloods thicker and all that.
View related questions:
engaged, fiance, moved out, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (16 September 2012):
 I agree that saying anything to your ex would be worse than useless. At best he will ignore you, but most likely he will see you as a bitter ex using his daughter as an excuse to meddle in his new life.He is behaving like a teenage boy with a crush. He's oblivious to anyone or anything else around him so I don't recommend you encourage his daughter to talk to him just yet. The best thing you can do for his daughter is be there for her without making accusations or excuses vis a vis her father. Let her do the talking and just listen.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 September 2012):
 He's your *ex*. It's not your place to correct him regarding his relationship with his daughter, because despite your feelings for how things went down with him, and despite your friendship with his daughter, it isn't your business.
What if it was another friend of yours, and her father wasn't your ex? Would you just go to your friend's father and tell him off? Nope. You'd give her advice on how to stand up for herself, which she is able to and perfectly capable of doing.
All that matters is his care for the son you both have. Don't use your son as a weapon to further the grudge, and if you care for the daughter, don't take advantage of her pain to press your own grudge and hurt feelings either. Not if you honestly care about your son's sister.
You *can* listen to his daughter. You can show her love. You can tell her to approach him and give her grownup tips on how to share with him how she feels in such a way as to help restore and repair their relationship. But his DAUGHTER has to do it, because I guarantee that if you go after the guy, you'll make things worse between him and his daughter, because her airing dirty laundry to his ex isn't a good relationship remedy.
Love your son. Be a good friend to his daughter. And let him go, try to heal, and move on with your own life.
...............................
A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (16 September 2012):
 It is a tough decision but i think you should leave it up to them to sort out or not sort out. He need's to know he has these responsibilities but if the daughter feels this way of neglecting or anything then she should tell him try and talk to him i know he ignores her calls and everything but something need's to be done.
He may not be bothered because maybe he feels she's old enough now and this new woman is all he wants to focus on him and her.
It's a tough decision because you're dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.
I think the father will get uppity if you interfere and perhaps the new woman and that won't be good on you because the fact is you're a new mum and still have a lot of emotions to deal with. The daughter should talk to him straight or just let them fall out and see if he realises what it is he's lost.
Try and keep clear of it.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (15 September 2012):
The problem you’d have if you tried to intervene is that he’d just see this as the bitter ex trying to make life difficult and shut his ears to what you had to say. That would potentially worsen the situation between him and his daughter. It isn’t really your business but it’s hard to just sit back and watch this situation unfold when you care for this girl so much. Your power to intervene is much less than it would be if he were treating your son in this way because he’s your child. If you want to help, you should advise her to talk to her father whenever she can and explain how his actions are impacting on her and making her feel. It’s important that any criticism of his actions comes directly from her and isn’t seen to be at your instigation. You don’t have a great deal of control over this but what you can do is continue to be a source of support to her and be that some-one she knows cares for her and is looking out for her. She won’t judge you because of how her father acts. She needs her father in her life but it sounds like she needs you too.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
|
