A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've just started university and last week was my freshers week. One night I really had too much to drink and ended up leaving the place I was in to go to a guys house and had unprotected sex. Only thing is, I'm in a relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now and I really do love him. We have plans to move out and move on our relationship. Before that night I didn't believe in so called drunken mistakes, but this was such a blur and I'm not sure how it even happened. I know it was exciting at the time and even now I feel that I should feel more guilt, but I honestly can't say that it was my conscious decision! What should I do? Only 2 people know about what happened, and they are close friends. The guy took my number and I'm scared he will contact me; hoping he won't. I know my relationship won't last if I am honest but what is the right thing to do. Any advice?...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2012): I know you have 2 choices here either tell him or keep it a secret and maybe risk someone else telling him. I understand we all do messed up things when were drunk. The fact of the matter is you were still able to remember you doing that it's not like as if you blacked out and the guy took advantage of you. You made the mistake and the best route is to confess tell him how it was unprotected too. If you choose not to tell him and lets say he finds out from one of those friends of yours than something even worse can happen and you would have no right being mad at your friends because that's the right thing to do something you couldn't compare to. Also make your decision with the thought of if your bf had unprotected sex with some random woman would you want him to tell you?
Goodluck and please be honest no matter how you think he may react.
A
male
reader, Stew18 +, writes (22 September 2009):
Hey...
If you really love him you NEED to tell him. It's just unfair to him. He seems to care about you a lot and if you don't tell him you'll feel guilty the rest of your life. Understand if he was in the same situation. It's not fair to keep secrets from your partner and although he may be upset, maybe he can forgive you. Ya'll have been dating for 3 years. You must tell him, keeping this secret will ultimately ruin your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): 2 other people know as well as this other man, and he has your number. hust a matter of time before someone slips up.
so you have a choice., either you come clean and tell him or when he is out having a drink with friends and the like, someone spills the beans. stories like this have a way of coming out. it is only a matter of time. and decide whether it is better than you confessing or him hearing the tales.
i also agree wth the anon male. "The idea that it's better to lie to someone to "shield them from the pain" is self-serving bullshit." cut the crap and come clean. you know someone else will be dying to tell him the sordid details. the clock is ticking....................
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): if you truly feel you made a mistake , you should not tell him. if it is something that happens more than once, then rethink if you really want to be with him
so they say if you know you made a mistake and it wont happen again, telling the partner about it is actually considered selfish...because it will hurt your partner tremendously and releave you of the guilt because you are keeping a secret
if you recognized this is a one time mistake, again i dont think that you should tell him
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): I agree with the DON'T TELL... you made one mistake, learn from it and DON'T DO IT AGAIN. No reason to beat yourself up, and no reason to make him fell all that pain.
Know what you did was wrong, and that if you do it again you have to tell him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): The idea that it's better to lie to someone to "shield them from the pain" is self-serving bullshit.
It's like a used car dealer "shielding you from the worry" of knowing that you had bought an unreliable piece of shit from him.
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (22 September 2009):
 No smoke can hide when there is a fire.., If im on that situation" I will sit and talk to my Boy friend and admit what happen, ask for forgiveness. If he can forgive me that is relief for my guilt.But if i dont be honest to him
then i will always carry the guilt feeling all the time with me and its more bad that my Boy friend find it out from others, so id rather be honest. and let him know it from me. good luck dear..
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 September 2009):
You had unprotected sex, so first off you might want to get yourself tested for anything!
Secondly, if you tell this boyfriend, he will almost certainly dump you. Honesty is not always the best policy. Accept you made a mistake and forgive yourself.
My advice is that if you really love your boyfriend, never again put yourself in that position. If you ever do, question as to whether you really love your boyfriend. Lots of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): You have to tell him. Think about if it was the other way around, wouldn't you want your boyfriend to love and respect you enough to tell you the truth? The longer you leave it the more it will hurt him, he deserves the truth and I'm sure that if it really was a mistake and you didn't enjoy it then you two will still be together after you tell him, and if not you have to let him make the decision.
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A
female
reader, samurai girl  +, writes (21 September 2009):
 You have a moral obligation to tell him because you are putting him at risk with his heart and his health.
#1 he can't trust you
#2 what if you contracted an STD?
Yes, new people are exciting, but this is a character issue. If he did this to you, would you want him to be the father of your children?
It is not fair not to tell him. He should be able to make a choice to stay with you or not w/ ALL the facts.
Good luck and don't do this again, if you REALLY love him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): Hi, first of all: Drunken mistakes happen. Beating yourself up about it is not going to help. Make sure to learn from it and don't put yourself in that position again.
Secondly, have you been tested for Sexually transmitted infections? If not- do it. If your boyfriend wakes up one morning with herpes it will certainly take your decision to tell him or not out of his hands.
Finally, you need to talk to him. It may end the relationship or it may not. But do you really want it hanging over you? The guilt may be worse than being honest..
Good luck, and remember- these things happen sometimes.
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