A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, i need advice.Ok heres my story, i have a guy friend who i have been friends since with the 9th grade. were in our early 20s now. i have had a crush on him since high school but never acted on it because i was really shy. anyways fast forward like 5 years to 2010, he has a new girlfriend and shes hanging out with my group of friends a lot because of him so we eventually become friends but more like acquaintances. anyway she goes off to college (during the summer of 2010) in another city and shes not around as much. summer time is naturally a time for young people to have fun and party. so i was doing just that with my friends, going out to bars and drinking. my friend is a part of my group that go out drinking. well one summer night after a night of partying he comes on to me, and we kiss. i stopped the kiss and ask him "what the heck?! arent you with your girlfriend?" and he says yes but that hes unhappy. anyway i screwed up i helped him cheat on his girlfriend. i knew he was with this girl i know. the only thing we ever did was kiss/makeout! i swear. of course he wanted sex but i denied him each time. BUT this drunken night wasnt the only time we kissed, it happened several times that year. it was always after a night of drinking. i was a really insecure person during that time, i never had a boyfriend ever in my life and i was a virgin, and i guess i enjoyed the attention i was getting from a guy i used to crush on in high school. he used to tell me i was hot and that he liked me, i guess he manipulated me to get what he wanted. i feel bad for helping him cheat on his gf. i no longer have feelings for him. his gf almost found out one time by reading his texts but he had me lie for him, i even told him that he should come clean during that time but he refused, and i reluctantly lied for him. im not proud of what i did. and she has no idea, and she considers me a friend! i feel like a piece of shit. i know its been over a year since the cheating and i feel bad to this day when i think about, i feel like crap for helping him betray her, since she is a friend of mine now. should i tell her the truth of what happened that year even after a long time has passed? they are still together to this day. i know he wont ever tell her because she is like his sugar mama, she buys him anything! im not sure if he has cheated on her with other girls besides me, i wouldnt doubt it though. i know im scum, i dont want to be judged, i know if i come clean i will have no friends afterwards :/ and i will be terribly lonely. i was lied to, taken advantage of (he knew i liked him)..so i need advice, what are your opinions, should i come clean?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sure she asked her boyfriend if it was true & he denied it, they're still in a relationship on FB. Whoever tried to inform her about the cheating was trying to help her out obviously & maybe possibly trying to spare me/my image (because maybe whoever sent the anonymous message knows that my guy friend cheated on his girl w/ me but choose to leave out who he cheated w/ in the message. Soo this means it has to be someone who knows me someone in my group of friends)! But that is all speculation from my part, I've been doing a lot of thinking about this! That message is true but could be about another girl not just me. Who knows! BUT the message failed, she choose to brush it off & believe her boyfriends word :/ sucks that shes doesn't realize that someone was trying warn her... So Im just gonna try to distance myself from them, I feel bad but it's too late to come clean now I screwed up back then (for kissing him & lying for him) I don't wanna ruin their relationship or happiness that they may have now.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 February 2012):
 Just curious, did she listen to the anon FB message?? Probably wrote it off as some nasty joke.
Well done! It is time to move on from it. Unfortunately, cheaters never give us the closure we want. They're too selfish and hardly care about the cheatee's feelings.
Not to condone cheating or say what you did wasn't wrong, but at least it was only repeated kissing. Imagine if he was sexually involved with other women, you, and his girlfriend..there most certainly would've been some STDs passed around!
Water under the bridge now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ tennisstar88: i understand what you mean, it is a little late to come out and tell the truth. back then when it was happening i was closer to my guy friend than this girl i barely knew so i valued his friendship more so i listened to him when he asked me to lie and keep it secret.
i know for a fact that @ least 2 of his guy friends know about his cheating ways and they too are now friends with his girlfriend but they dont say anything bc they are honoring bro code and dont wanna get invovled, i dont blame em!
the only reason im bringing this up like a year later is because the cheated on-girlfriend got an anonymous facebook message saying that her boyfriend cheated on her during her first year at college. (i heard about this from another friend that she confided in) anyway i have no idea who sent that message to her and i dont know who the message is talking about, it could be about me OR it could be about another broad!
but i am so curious to know if i was the only one he cheated on his girlfriend with... i'll probably never know. i wont talk to him about this. i made a terrible mistake at the time; i was young, drunk, naive, and let my feelings for him overpower logical thinking. i honestly didnt think about the future and the consequences at the time! pretty dumb, but i guess thats what happens when cheating takes place. people are not perfect and we all make mistakes and i certainly learned from mine! NEVER again will i get involved with someone whos taken and who doesnt care about me or my feelings and uses me for their selfish pleasure. i thank god that i didnt have sex with him!
I do feel bad for enabling that kind of behavoir and i truly feel bad for his girlfriend. i wont get involved. stupid mistake happened more than a year ago, its dead. i wont be a part of it. i learned from it and im gonna move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): "I would like to talk to my guy friend more"
Which means you need to stay the hell away from him, and shouldn't be talking to her either.
If your intent is to "enforce" your code of morality, and by talking to him determine if he fits it, then bag off of it.
The bottom line is that you had an improper relationship with this guy and enabled his cheating behavior. You have no business judging him (and that is what you are trying to do...judge whether to tell or not based on his expressed lack or acknowledgement of remorse).
Either tell, or don't tell, but don't be talking to him in private...because you are the one he cheated with and you should have no private relationship with him as any level of private relationship is an ongoing betrayal of the woman who was cheated on.
In other words,
Either keep your secret, or don't, but don't try to continue the secret relationship or control the secrecy he engages in, do your thing, stop trying to have others do or feel things.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (1 February 2012):
Here's what could happen if you told her...
1. She wouldn't believe you and would get mad at you for trying to break up her relationship, even though that's not your intent. They're still together.
2. She dismisses what you say and continues to be in denial about their relationship. The girl has a low self esteem and can't see herself finding any better.
3. You split up your group of friends. Eventually, things get awkward, no one likes being segregated so they just cut you out.
4. He'll deny it when she confronts him saying YOU came on to him.
So much to lose, so is it worth clearing your conscience for something that happened a couple of years ago??? Why tell her now? Why didn't you tell her when it happened the first several times?
Honestly, it's not going to do you any good to talk to him and see if he feels any remorse over cheating. I'm sure you weren't the first girl, nor were you the last he's used. He doesn't care about his girlfriend's feelings or yours! Otherwise he would've stopped at the first kiss, or not drank around you! The booze is not an excuse!
I think you should let it go. It's rather a bit too late to tell her now. More than likely doing the right thing now, will backfire on you.
BUT if you strongly feel she has a right to know, then get her by herself (sans cheating boyfriend), confess, and apologize.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so my reasons for maybe telling her the truth is to clear my conscience & to let her know about the guy she is dating. I now have a bf for the first time in my life & I would want to know if he is making out with girls behind my back, I now truly understand the level of betrayal, it was only making out & theyre not married so it's not as intense but I feel like she should know. She's heard rumors about him cheating but he denies them & she stays w/ him. I know if I were to come clean I would lose them both as friends, & possibly other friends in our group as they may take sides. I would like to talk to my guy friend more about how he feels about the cheating & if he seems to be truly regretful & views it as a mistake then I won't rat him out. But I think it would be hard to talk about him about it bc I don't see him a lot anymore & he seems to be uncomfrotable around me when he's sober. I don't know what to do, I would like more advice/opinions..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): tell her. you won't be thanked, but it will be the right thing.
but, don't tell her and then go back to hanging with him.
get a new group of friends.
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A
female
reader, babyparis +, writes (31 January 2012):
 I dont think you should tell her since its been over a year. I think you should have told her at the time. I understand you feel bad I would too. Sence you two are friends I would write a anonymous letter so that she do know he's a cheater...
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A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (31 January 2012):
 First decide what your REAL reason is for telling her. To get rid of your guilt, to hurt him, to hurt her, to help her or to expose him. What benefit is there in telling her (I am not suggesting you do not or do) from what I see around me after their mad at their boyfriend they hate the cheating girlfriend because she was no friend! After you know why you feel the need to tell her then do it, then you will know the consequences of what you are doing and know why. Nothing would be worse then telling her and then regretting telling her. You cannot take back what you BOTH did, you BOTH could have said no. You knew she was a friend, you knew he was a cheater. Right now you have a LOT of guilt and two people are hurting, tomorrow it could be three or more depending on who she tells what you two did. You do not want him to get away with it I understand that. I am not sure I want my friend to tell me my wife cheated on me. Maybe after some time has passed and it looks like they are getting serious you may need to say something. All I am suggesting is make sure you understand the consequences of your future actions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): my advice - tell her. and its ok mistakes happen. atleast u r regretting what u did. all the best
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