A
female
age
36-40,
*oanna M
writes:My bf is 25 and we have sex once a month! last time I had it was 6 weeks ago. and he was drunk. it was perfect though. but the first 3 intercourses (when we just started dating)were unsuccessful, I mean he couldnt come at all. and he just stopped. I wasnt upset though, cuz I knew he had a lot of problems in his life and he still does, but he still finds time to watch porn, about 3-5 times a week. instead of coming over. when a real girl wants him bad! we dont live together, but I still can see when he’s online. the thing is, what bothers me most, when I invite him over, he gets mad and starts fighting about it and he says he can’t he’s busy and stressed and cant even think about having sex, but when he gets home after work I see him online. and his friends’ list is more than 300 porn addicts with naked pictures and collections of porn videos and pics, like thousands. from incests to shemales and fettish and even animals. I wouldn’t know what kind of porn he’s watching, but he adds these videos to his list online, so that everyone sees it, he didnt know about it and deleted all 1500 videos from the list when I first found out about him watching porn and asked him if it’s his account, of course he claimed it wasn’t his. and most of those videos were mature ladies porn with young guys, incests, sometimes shemales and lesbians. But mostly mature women with big * * * * , an even fat old women and hairy!!!like a lot hairy. NO OFFENCE, ladies, I'm just a girl who's hurt. He even emailed one guy saying thank u for the collection of pics cuz loves very hairy women too. that’s disgusting. I am 23, I’m sexy, guys like me a lot and I’ve never faced this problem before. No one was unsatisfied. I’m open to a lot of things but I cant see him watching it. the worst thing is, he even emails them sometimes, some stuff like I wanna lick your p***y and other things. I talked to him about it once, but he flipped out and said it’s not his and he almost left me, said I didnt trust him. A that time I didnt know he was communicating to the ladies from time to time, I thought just watching. I believed him, cuz I had no proof and even apologized. But now I do have that proof. I could be a good investigator... but I feel bad for checking his profile and knowing his password, and going through his stuff. I dont know what to do. I'm afraid if I tell him he'll get mad that I went through his stuff and leave me. On the other hand, he lied to me and even tried to chat with ladies! I caught him once on a dating website offering one-time sex to a girl of my age. I tried to speak to him in a sweet voice like honey bla bla bla i love u, although deep inside I wanted to curse him out. But I knew I would regret cuz I love him anyway. But I can't live with this lie, I lie to him too. I pretend that everything's ok but deep inside I'm dying of pain. I'm tired of being jealous and gueesing if he ever cheated on me or not. I assume he did. He even had a link with escort services in our borough. But yet I have no proof he did. But chatting with girls and women from the city we live in on a porn website IS considered cheating in my opinion. I’m faithful and never cheated on him. never. I have a very high sex drive, I can have sex every day. and I want him only! but getting it once for 1-2 months makes me mad. And what bothers me most that he prefers looking at mature ladies to me. And he emailed one a couple days ago (I know his password but he doesnt know about it), she’s 40 and even from the same city… she didnt reply though. And she’s curvy. And I’m skinny, but my sizes are ok, I mean not small. so that my friends are even jealous, that I’m skinny but still have good sizes, u know what I mean. So I guess there’s nothing wrong with me, but he made me feel that way now. even though he would never admit it. He talks s**t about guys watching porn and masturbating. and doesn’t have sex with me at all. when he was drunk he got a vibrator for me, like I said I’m open to many things and didnt get mad we even played with it once for fun. and that’s it. He said he can’t see me that often cuz he’s busy so I can use it sometimes. I have a feeling he just replaced himself with it. but since he gets home every evening and finds time for mature porn that means he is not THAT busy. and and we’ve been dating for a year. and had sex about 10 times. total. And he’s planning to marry me and have kids. But I’m scared to move in together and marry him. Cuz I dont wanna see him jerking off every time I go to work. I’m a very devoted and sensitive person. I don's see anything bad in porn but not when you have a real attractive girl who's oen to you anytime you want and you don't even have sex with her. and watching INCESTS. OMG it’s disgusting. And his family is normal, they’re religious and nice people. so i dont know what to do and what to think… cuz I’m hurt. I wanna be loved and who knows may be he cheats on me with real ladies… So i dont know what to do... I don't wanna ruin my life and break his. But I dont wanna be one of those faithful sad unsatisfied wives regretting that they didn't dump their cheating husbands long time ago... I'm completely lost... Should I tell him that I know about it? He keeps saying everything will change soon, but he means he's gonna treat me better, he will no longer be rude to me. But he has no idea I know about his this porn issue. I need an advice cuz I'm desperate.
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female
reader, Joanna M +, writes (15 August 2011):
Joanna M is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot!!! You made my day today :)
A
female
reader, svf  +, writes (15 August 2011):
 How are you? I have just seen your follow up (fantastic and very informative). You poor thing, what a BASTARD... If I could reach through the internet and scratch out his eyes for you, I would!Please try and be strong. I know that you are going to be going through all sorts of emotional upheavals right now, from anger, to hurt, to missing him and wanting to take him back, to sadness, to anger, etc. Just try and work through your emotions and really grab a best girlfriend who will support you through your heartbreak.I completely understand and sympathise with you for the waste of invested energy you have put into this relationship and the frustration you must be feeling right now. But things will get better and I am so thankful that you are not with him right now. The BASTARD. Lot's of hugs and kisses, Sammy xo
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A
female
reader, Joanna M +, writes (14 August 2011):
Joanna M is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for everything!!! Now that's it's almost 3 weeks passed since I posted it, I have to tell you the final story. I spoke to him, and he was sooooooo calm OMG. Like I don't know what you're talking about, I know it's my roommates who set me up. They keep joking about porn and I find porn dvd under my pillow when I wake up, I dunno who's doing it to me but I swear it's not me. I said listen I have the IP address, it shows your geographical location. he said really??? I know you don't trust me, and I wouldn't either if I saw what you saw. I said how come it's your email and the same password from your email. and you never tried to login with it? he said I tried when you first told me about this website, but I would never think it's registered with the same password.
So I guess he was trying to act differently being polite and nice and sad and determined to prove that it's not his account and bla bla bla. he even said that u see I'm not arguing I'm calm you said it yourself if a person is not calm and aggressive that means they're hiding something. So I just assumed he was trying to assure me that it's not his by being calm and quiet. anyways, I didnt' believe him but he promised to prove the opposite and said he loved me and etc. Then he changed the subject and we had a long talk about how poor he is and his problems and family issues and the rest. So I got home and he kept calling me, he started calling me different names, I mean sweet stuff like honey baby whatever words I've barely heard from him for the past year.
Until I found out he was talking to one girl who is 19 and of the same origin as his, for an unknown time, cuz he says it's been lasting for a few weeks, but as I see it's way more than that. She doesn't live here so it's a love online if you can call it that way. He said he' s tired of me cuz I don't trust him bla bla bla but SHE understands him. But all this year I've been helping him with everything, support, love, understanding, money, OMG I've done so much for him you can't imagine. She just doesn't know who he is and he said that to me. I was so pissed that I even doubted my appearance cuz of this maniac with a bunch of problems in his life and I was there for him every single minute when he needed me and meanwhile he was (I apologize) jerking off over porn every single day and chatting to that girl at the same time! she seems a sweet girl and very religious so she's not the porn type, they met on facebook or whatever normal website. He started apologizing to me, saying he loves me and he just has no other option cuz his mom doesn't like me and she picked that girl for him (some muslims are very strict about it but he used to say his family is not conservative at all). but when i started crying of pain he got mad and yelled at me and said he's in love with her very deeply and he even threatened my life if I ever say anything to anybody about ever dating him (even though co-workers have noticed it long time ago). and he scared me to death by his threats. And he added "just think how many times we had sex this year, think about it if you want to call it relationship". and I still see him online watching porn. I feel bad for the girl too, cuz she doesn't even know anything yet. Hopefully, she never will.
So that's another story. This guy's been using me and never loved me. and to the top of all he's a porn addict. And what I'm trying to say is that's what happens when you're with a wrong person. And how to figure out they're wrong for you? deep down there, in your heart. When you know you love them dearly but something is not right about them. I wish I had dumped him back then 3 weeks ago, but anyways I'm glad he's not a part of my life anymore even if he never felt like one. And even if it hurts a lot seeing them in love and even if I'm trying to hide my tears at the only thought of being used for the second time in my life which he knew about,how it hurt me before, even worse than this time, and yet it never stopped him, and even if he's happy with himself now I know I'll be alright soon and there will be a lot of men out there willing to be by my side. I'm glad this all ended.
Thank you for your support, ladies!!! I really appreciate it!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2011): Hi. If it were me, i wouldn't bother mentioning the porn. I can't see how that will help at this stage. Hes an addict. Disclosing what you know will just cause rows. He will lie and cover his tracks better next time. And you will spend an untold amount of hours worrying and not trusting him.
The Genie is out of the bottle. You know what he finds sexually stimulating and it is already eating away at your self confidence. Because you are not any of those things. Trying to turn yourself into something you aren't, just to please him, will only work temporarily. Eventually, you will grow a deep resentment towards him. And why would you want to go to such trouble for a selfish partner anyway? You want someone who loves you for who you are. And is attracted to you because you are who you are! I am afraid you won't find that with this guy.
I have a feeling his failed marriage could be the first of many unless he is prepared to clean up his act. That will only happen if or when he wants to do it, you can't force him. That is a Golden Rule, so don't think you can make him change because it doesn't work like that.
He lies to you, gets angry because you want to see him. Buys you a vibrator, basically so he doesn't have to satisfy your needs. In essence.... he has left the relationship.
I would feel as hurt as you do. But i would remind myself that he has the problem, i don't and i would set about formally ending the relationship and moving on x
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A
female
reader, svf +, writes (23 July 2011):
Hello gorgeous, I've just read your post and feel so awful for you. He is not treating you the way a partner should treat you full stop. And as for being a man in love (!) his values are completely wrong on all levels. The types of porn he is looking at and the amount are pretty out there, but, also there is the fact that he is attempting to cheat on you which is rotten - yet he can't even have sex with you regularly?!I actually take a pretty hard stance AGAINST porn usage by men for their own sole purposes, because it brings destruction and heartbreak to so many women who are beautiful and loving to their partners. Unless BOTH partners are open to it. However,most women who are being hurt by lack of attention, quite rightfully aren't.(With the exception of my previous response to a post to someone who felt genuine remorse for the type of porn he was watching, beastiality, which is really out there, but he said it was in the past and he felt terrible REMORSE about viewing it, etc, so I sympathised with him. But importantly, he didn't mention that he was in a relationship so it was not hurting his partner, as he had none and was alone.)I can't see a way out out to a brighter future with this man, as he is so distant and doesn't appear to want to change anything! He deserves a good kick up the backside for putting you through this needless, merciless mental cruelty. I had a boyfriend like that in the past who only wanted to have sex once every 2 months and yet was into really depraved things, which I find out about towards the end of the relationship, and which spelt the finish of the relationship. Your boyfriend reminds me of him, and it was one of the most painful relationships I ever had, because I loved him with all my heart.I still think of him, but I thank my lucky stars that I got out of it after 16 months of hell and emotional torture. It wasn't worth it, no matter how much my heart beat for him. I understand that you are in love with this guy, but this could really break your self esteem and innocence, as no beautiful girl should have to put up with this type of treatment.I hope you can find the strength to move on from him. Have a talk with him by all means, but it is completely out of line for him to be defensive with you, when he is absolutely in the wrong. My heart goes out to you and I completely emphasise with you on this.Lot's of love and best wishes, Sammy xxPS: I am 39 in two weeks so am an older woman also (!) but I remember being your age! You should not have to be dealing with these horrible issues at your age - you deserve to be courted, admired and adored! Remember that, you are young, beautiful and sexy! He is the loser, NOT you! Please don't let him make you doubt your self worth,xx
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A
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): Hi I have been through this as well. He will be angry, but only because he feels guilty! But do not let him make you feel guilty! He does have a problem, but may not want to accept it yet! it is truly an adiction. My husband does it less now- after years of fighting about it. He read an article on the adiction and desensitising of sex from porn addiction in one of my magazines and I think he realized how bad it was. The thing is I am now battling to be spontaneous with him as it has eaten away my self esteem. So talk to him, but dont accept it if it keeps continuing after you have explained how you feel. My husband kept telling me I was being ridiculous when I felt hurt and unattractive to him. You have to draw the line somewhere! Keep your chin up and believe in yourself... you are sexy just the way you are!
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A
female
reader, Joanna M +, writes (22 July 2011):
Joanna M is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for understanding me. I feel so relieved after sharing my feelings and your support.
and I just assume he likes to stay this way cause if he realized even for a second that what he's doing is not normal he would probably try to do something bout it, like stop using it for a while. But he never did. I just see he's been doing it this since 2009, when he was married to one girl. That's why I got scared even more, cuz they lived together and obviously their sex life was more active than mine. but yet he was offering other females sex and adding those videos to his list even while living with a girl of his own. And she was kinda curvy, what I mean is just the way he likes and yet he was enjoying porn of any freaking kind. He never said he didnt like me but he used to say that I have to gain wait. I just refused cuz it took me pretty long time to lose it. I just can't believe this insecure guy made me feel not attractive for the first time in my life and so depressed and so desperate in a hope to change me. I guess you're so right, people don't change. No matter how you. Unless they want to. But I doubt he does.
And I don't think that sex is only appropriate for under 30. I wanna have it as long as possible as long as my man wants me. It's just that it's the wrong man I'm dealing with and the truth I'm facing right now.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 July 2011):
 OP, no no please ,no apologies needed, as already said to Betty Boop, I took no offence, I just found amusing that you'd put "older woman " right on par with "bestiality " - btw, not that I find amusing your whole predicament, which is in fact very serious.
And you are right, don't feel that you should look older or anything different from what you are, to make this guy want you. This is not about you or your body or age, this is like a sickness he has. The only question is, does he want to heal. Or does he LIKE to stay sick.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 July 2011):
@BettyBoup : thanks BB, you are really a sweetheart for wanting to reassure me ,lol. Don't worry, I did not take any offence for the OP's comments , I was just a tad amused ,because it is TRUE that most young women think that sex is like skateboards : only appropriate for under 30. But I do get the concept, and I agree ,any woman would feel upset finding out that what really turns her partner on is something so different from her.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 July 2011):
 - he lies about his porn use- he contacts these women for sex (yes, that'd be cheating in my book too, at least highly inappropriate and disrespectful to your relationship)- he of course lies about his contacting these ladies as well- he makes you out to be the bad guy (when caught he refuses to take responsibility and blames you, which is quite low)- he doesn't listen to your needs in the relationship, only his own (sex once a month if you're lucky while you want it every day ideally)- he isn't committed to you (the talk about marriage? Forget about it, talk is cheap. Actions show the truth, and the truth is he's online sexting other women)The final nail in the coffin is that he says it'll change.It won't. People don't change. And what was it he wanted to change? Not his porn use, but his treatment of you! So you can add that he's rude to you on top of the list, together with everything else.Don't marry this man. He's not what you want, and he can't give you what you need in a relationship. If you're unsatisfied now, guess how unsatisfied you will be in 5 more years with him. You'll be so bonkers you will even find a lover on the side just to release some frustration, and you know what? I wouldn't blame you. You've listed up a good amount of reasons to leave this selfish, egocentric man. Listen to your gut feeling that is telling you this isn't enough. He isn't enough. Not now, not in the future either. Because he wont change, people never change!
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (22 July 2011):
 Cindy, I don't think the OP meant that older women are obscene, rather that she was shocked that he is so into porn with mature women when she herself is a young woman. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to an older woman, or even very hairy women. To each their own. But it can't make you feel good to know what turns your man on is something you are not.
Ok, it really sounds like this guy is very addicted to porn, to the point where he chooses porn over real sex with the woman he wants to marry. That is NOT healthy.
You sound like a very devoted lover and girlfriend. But he is not giving you the same devotion, respect and love. He has more love for himself and his own fantasies.
Sex every 1 to 2 months is really not a lot. And you have found out why this is. He is addicted to porn. This has affected his ability to have a normal, healthy sex life. I don't know a huge amount about porn addiction, but I know that frequent porn use can seriously change a person's brain chemistry to the point where normal sex doesn't do it for them. They have to look for more and more depraved and obscure sexual stimuli which would explain the shemale, incest and beastiality. He is sick.
I know that there is a lot more porn around these days and a lot of guys watch the more hardcore stuff to get off. To the point where I'm sure many guys consider it normal. South Park's Randy made a joke about this issue, in the episode where the internet broke down. You can't go back to jacking off to playboy when you've got used to hardcore internet porn like shemales, beasteality and brazilian fart porn! Funny, but there's a sad eliment of truth there.
The saddest thing about it is when guys don't bother enjoying a normal sex life with their partner. It's sad for them but worse for the woman.
You sound like you have a very normal, healthy sex drive. He sounds very messed up and selfish. I know it's easy for me to say, and I'm sure you love him. But if I were you, I'd disentangle myself emotionally and leave as soon as possible. There are a lot of guys out there who would LOVE to have a girlfriend who wants real sex every day. That is many guy's dream woman. Your boyfriend is crazy to prefer videos to sex with you!
You say yourself it is disgusting! Now you can try to talk to him and get him to change, but if he's in that deep it will take A LOT of time and effort for him to change. And that will be made longer if he himself is not ready or willing to change. Are you prepaired to wait a long, long time for a guy who may never overcome his hardcore porn addiction? If you are you will have to be very strong in your communication with him about what you need from him. You tried to speak to him about it once and he flipped and threatened to leave you. Therefore I'm guessing it will be near impossible for you to reach him about this issue.
I know you love him, but he isn't loving or respecting you. If he was, he would make an effort to be with you. He does not. There is a chance he is cheating with women he meets on the internet. Honey please respect yourself and leave this guy. You deserve to be loved. You only get one life and one youth. Enjoy it while you can. Only be woth people who really love and respect you. This guy is messed up and doesn't realise or care how much it affects you. I know you are devoted, but you need to give that devotion and lve to yourself. Treat yourself how you would treat someone you love. Would you advise your sister or friend to stay with a guy who ignores them, choses porn over sex with them and possibly cheats? You deserve more!
Good luck :) Chin up!
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A
female
reader, Joanna M +, writes (22 July 2011):
Joanna M is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry, if I hurt you, I guess in 20 years I would feel the same. It's just that I even thought I could try to look like one of the girls on the video he watches but I can't look older it's just naturally impossible. But it even sounds insane that I don't wanna be myself anymore, I wanna be whoever he looks at. Just to make him want me only. But couple days ago I thought of it and realized that I don't have to. I'm attractive enough.
And I feel that I'm losing him. I guess I just have to be brave and finally talk to him, even though I already know what's going to happen.
Thank you for your advice. And I apologize if I hurt you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 July 2011):
Ahem.. being myself a mature, curvy lady with a requited preference for younger partners, I have some objections to being filed under the same category as incest, animals and other sideshow freak sex. But OK, fair enough, when I was your age I thought too of a sexually active woman in her 40s and 50s as basically OBSCENE.Wait a couple of decades then please write me back whether you still feel the same...
Back to your quandary. I am afraid that your only choice is coming clean, and yes, he will get mad,furious in fact knowing you have spied on him, but what else can you do ? No marriage has a chance if built on secrets and lies - seeing a big red flag and burying your head under the sand ,pretending you did not see anything, is a sure recipe for disaster.
The red flag is not his use of porn per se ( even if, allow me, some of the things he likes are extreme to the point of very disquieting ) , with which you'd be cool. It's the interference of porn with your sex life, that leaves you frustrated and unfulfilled, about which he does not seem to worry. And if he cares more about indulging his sexual fantasies than making you happy in bed, I am afraid you'll have to re-evaluate how important is your relationship to him. Or, it may be important but he's got so addicted that he feel powerless to do anything about it, and that's objectively a serious problem that , like any addiction, would need professional attention. So, even if you are between a rock and a hard place, if you care about this guy, you have to tell him how this IS going to inevitably affect your future, and tell him honestly how you feel about it : that there IS a big problem, and that it needs to be taken care of. He may not see it this way, he may be in total denial. He may take a "my way or the highway " stand. So, yes, honestly you risk to lose him.
But ,living such a painful and humiliating lie, won't feel ANY better in the long run, so might as well be brave and take the bull by the horns.
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