A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well my boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years and we always talk about everything, we are totally honest but that doesn't mean we agree or we come to a compromise. I am the most financially stable thinker between the both of us, I don't bring home most of the money but I try to keep track of it since we have a joint bank account. We aren’t poor but we don’t always have a lot left over after all bills and expenses are paid, we might have a hundred or two hundred left over. I try and get it so we don’t spend most of it and try to save it for our future goals and something meaningful that is within reason. Well anyway we never get off on the right foot when it comes to money, at times he even said it was his money. He spends the money we have left on frivolous junk, he always wants to go out with friends and eat out, shop and buy new cloths for when they go to the movies. I don’t deny he should be able to do that but not every single week if we both agree we want to achieve more. I honestly don't get it, he sees nothing wrong with what he is doing and suggests I get a second job even though I am going to school and working. Any suggestions would be nice, and second part is I started a secret bank account he doesn't know about, I was wondering since my current situation does anyone consider it mistrust if I don't tell him about the secret bank account I have been storing money in?
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male
reader, AvgGuy1  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 WOW... this is a REALLY hot topic. Understandably. My BF and I work it like this... as others have suggested.
Separate Checking accounts into which your company makes direct-deposits of payroll. Never ever direct deposit into joint accounts. Work out a budget each pays 1/2 rent, utilities, and even food... once you've decided on your budget then you each transfer in only your portion of the budget into the joint account(s)... and monthly bills get paid out of that. Neither of you should be using funds from the joint account... in an unplanned manner.
Periodically check the Joint Checking. If there are 'extra' funds in that account... occasionally... you should split them up or moved them to Joint Savings. Baiscally, a joint checking account should should be almost a zero balance account. Joint Savings should be used for long term goals.
Personal accounts should be used for personal purposes (obviously). So those 'expenditures' of his... should be coming out of his own personal account(s) not either of the joint account(s). So long as you and he are meeting responsibilities (1/2 the rent/mortgage, etc)... expenditures from personal account(s) should not be issues of contention.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 June 2010):
 All I can say is that , never ever trust anyone with your hard earned money, not even your husband or your parents or anyone else.
Those who think I am wrong , they are entitled to their opinions.
If you have a secret account, never tell to your hubby because he will be thinking of that money when he has none.
Tell him at your own perils.
That money is your life savers when things don't go well with him.
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A
female
reader, INTJ +, writes (5 June 2010):
I cannot believe everyone agrees with keeping this a secret, but I don't. I agree with those that said separate accounts are needed for financial happiness (e.g., a joint account; a joint savings account; and two separate accounts.
But to keep squirrling away money?? First, is it your money or his? If he thinks its his, then its his. Ack - how horrid, but some people think that way! Like my bf of 10 fracking years and we were in it for the long run. Anyway! if he feels it the both of yours, then you are in the clear, but the savings acct should be something you both agree on, even if you are the sole controller of the account(unless you die then he has to be the 'beneficiary'). I think you should have a discussion. Imagine how you would feel if he was doing this to you. Your future together shouldn't be one sided; if it is, what does that say about your partner? Are THEY in it for the long run?
For your sake, I hope willing to listen to reason. If he is the spender he should get the 2nd job, and he is lucky to have you look out for him!! But if not, then you have to protect yourself and get at least your own checking acct.
Good luck mate!
Unfortunately you cannot get married and thus you have to protect yourself
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): thanks a lot. I had other people close say the same but somehow I felt my family and friends were just saying it because they cared and I thought a complete stranger would have less bias thought and it turns out everyone is right. I will continue to keep the account a nice little secret and if we are still together and old he will be happy to know we can retire because of my financial thinking. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Nouvelle32 +, writes (4 June 2010):
I think you are smart to have a secret acct. I will do the same in my future relationships. My boyfriend of 2 years just moved out.. why? Because we kept getting in fights about money.. He makes more than I make... let's just say he makes over 65,000 a year. Well, he was bouncing checks to my mother, couldn't come up with the rent & finally he came clean that he had a car repossession & that he was paying that off. He was driving around a piece of crap car & me being stupid (when we first starting dating) thought that he was just frugal b/c in the beginning he would wine and dine me & try to impress me..little did I know he was going into credit card debt to do it!! By the time I found out how financially irresponsible he REALLY WAS.. it was already too late, I was in love with him. He kept it pretty well hidden. Then he came clean that his credit card was maxed out & he was using his ATM like a credit card & not paying attention & would incur overdraft fees in the amount of $600.00 a month or more. At first I tried to help him with a budget.. I loaned him money & of course he PROMISED to fix it & we finally got him to a 0 balance.. I made him PROMISE to never overdraft again. Meanwhile, we hardly ever went out, didn't take vacations, didn't do anything really except sit at home. I sacraficed a lot because I loved him. Then after all that he comes asking me for $ again, I was really mad & sent him a mean email which I probably shouldn't have done.. well, I came home and all of his stuff was gone. I know ppl. would probably say good riddence, but I really truly loved that man. All I can say is people DON'T change... sometimes bad habits are impossible to break unless they really really want to. Sometimes it's just ingrained from childhood.. his mother had bad financial habits, so there you go! Just SUCKS! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 June 2010):
 That means out of your two hundred pounds left over, after £100 is put away in a joint account for savings, you each get £50...if you need shopping money, then you each probably get £20 - £30
Sit him down and draw up a financial plan, with each of you getting some cash in hand to go into your own accounts. You shouldn't have to hide anything at all. He gets his and you get yours.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 June 2010):
For financial happiness in relationships it is best to have 1) Joint account to pay all the bills, rent, ect
2) Joint savings account for big items like holidays,
entertainment and furniture
3) Two separate accounts that you each hold privately, where you put the left over cash, and is yours to spend on anything you want to.
People should contribute to the join accounts according to a percentage of their earnings, with the person earning the most, paying the most..
This I find removes all arguments about money. You can lend him money if you want, but this must be from your own private account. The joint accounts must be held sacred and only used for the reasons I gave above. If he's broke, then he just won't have any money in his own private account and he will either have to borrow or suffer.. The joint accounts should not be touched.
For a woman's independence a private account is a very necessary thing.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (4 June 2010):
 if you make the effort to save your money for long term goals then he doesn't need to know about this account. if in a while you both still are at opposite ends when it comes to money then it doesn't look good for the future as spending and ideas on money are one of the main things that need to be shared within a couples thinking for the relationship to work out long term. if he wont see where you are coming from it might be a sign that he doesn't want to compromise. for now keep this secret as he will want to blow it as soon as he can if he found out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): If he is the one who wants to spend all the money then he should be the one to get a second job. You and he can put everything from your first jobs into the joint account and he can have a second account to put his second job money into. Then he can use his second job money to spend for his frivolous items.
However, even better in my opinion, is to not have a joint account at all. You each have your own accounts and then share the household expenses fairly. I'm not in favor of having separate accounts when married, but I am for those living together. That is what my wife and I did the 2 plus years we lived together before we got married. She would pay me her share of the household expenses and I would pay the bills. I owned the house before we started dating and she payed me rent. To do otherwise when not married is risky, as it is difficult to settle if there is a break-up. After marriage, all things are owned jointly anyway, so joint ownership is not a problem.
In response to your last question - I would not tell him about the secret account. I don't believe in secrets and I believe in communication. However, there are exceptions in a situation like this.
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 I dont see anything wrong here because yo bf seem to be overspending.as long as he daznt find out!
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