A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my and my gf of 5 years have sort of had a bit of distance come between us, on my end mainly. She was always so insecure and sort of clingy and although I loved her it chipped away at me and I felt I needed space. We took space and things were going well and then one night as a sudden last minute decision i paid for sex.. I realised as soon as I finished it was the wrong thing and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I regret my decision and know she deserves to know but I also know it would break her and destroy us. We have met since and everything is great and back to how we were, totally in stupid love.. but should I tell her? Or destroy the memory and save us, in that I spare myself the explanation and her the torment?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 April 2017):
 The right thing to do would be to tell her, no point being dishonest in a relationship, you will feel guilty and well she is already clingy. But if you do tell her she will either leave you or as I suspect forgive you but become even more needier and clinger. I don't see a good future with you and her. You need to ask yourself why you felt the need to buy sex?
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 March 2017):
 Do you really think OP, that getting back together is a good idea?
There usually IS a good reason people break up or "take breaks" from a relationship - it;s because it's NOT working.
You running off and having sex with a prostitute (of all the dumb things you could have done...) I think is a VERY big indication of how your relationship ISN'T/WASN'T working.
And her becoming clingy and needy is as result of either her personality or because she KNEW the relationship was dying.
Regardless, if you DO choose to get back with her, you need to tell her. She might decide that she CAN handle it or.. that she can't.
Personally? I don't think dating an ex is ever a good idea.
And having sex for money? Nope. Dealbreaker for me. Maybe not for you or for her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2017): She's clingy because she sensed you wanted sex with other women .... And guess what ? She was right !
You effectively proved that her 'clingyness ' was not clingyness at all but rather , it was woman's instinct.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (30 March 2017):
 You can't soften "I paid for sex". Just be honest and accept the consequences.
You also can't expect a relationship to fix itself just because you got back together. *If* she decides to stay with you after you tell her, you have to get couples' counselling, both for her clinginess and your prostitute usage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2017): If you were my boyfriend, I would want to know.
I would not want to continue living in a lie of a relationship.
The more time that passes, the guiltier you will feel and the longer you wait, the more damage that will be done to her.
If you sit on it too long, she will think you were hiding it purposely.
When somebody makes a mistake, they need to come clean and come clean as soon as possible.
This shows remorse. That is was a mistake on your part. And you quickly realized it was a mistake and could no longer bear the guilt. You had to tell her right away because you felt so bad about what you did. And instantly regretted it.
But once you start to hide it and keep hiding it, she will think there is more to it and that you are hiding much more than what you told her. The fact you did not tell her right away is going to hurt her even more.
Women have a sixth sense. She is going to pick it up in your behaviour and you are just going to make her feel worse.
I am wondering why was she so insecure and clingy? Women are rarely this way for no reason. What did YOU do to cause her to feel this way? She must have had a gut feeling that you were at high risk for cheating. So, was she wrong? And you pushed her away because you did not like a woman telling you what to do? How to live your life? So, you thought that creating space and pushing your GF away would make it easier on your conscience to have an anonymous sexual encounter with a stranger? You thought wrong. It all comes back to haunt you.
I don't think you are ready for a serious relationship. At all. You weren't then when you pushed her away. And you aren't now. It is just a matter of time before you cheat on her AGAIN.
Spare her the misery and agony of all your future sexual side dishes by leaving her NOW.
She does not deserve this shit.
You do not have your act together. And you have a lot of soul searching and growing up to do. You seem pretty self centered and selfish. Feeling guilty now? So what? You did not feel guilty enough to stop your penis from entering a hooker's vagina, did you? You should have felt guilty enough to STOP before you penetrated her. Most men do not go around paying hookers. There is something really wrong with that. Especially at your age.
Tell her. Hurt her with the truth. She deserves to know. Hurt her honestly. Not by further deceit. You have already crossed the line. Now it is time to pay for your actions. You will lose your girlfriend. Take this as a lesson learned on how not to behave when you are in a relationship with somebody who loves you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2017): You've decided that you want to get back together with your extremely clingy and insecure girlfriend, someone you dated since you were 18 or 20, you were so unhappy that you actually paid a prostitute to have sex with you. Really come on, that's just sad. Now you're trying to side whether to live by omission or deal with the fallout from your decision. Again it's just sad.Obviously things have been not going well if you needed to have space and were feeling your love chipped away. I don't know what stupid love means other then well it sounds stupid. Just tell her what happened. This might be a life lesson that you both need to learn. Hers is that she needs to learn to not be clingy and insecure and perhaps to choose better man. Yours might be to not lie to someone you say you love, and not tolerate insecure and clingy behavior. You both need to grow up basically. Yes this might be difficult and tough and make you both and happy, but in the and you have your whole lives to live and you're both learn something from this situation. Be a man, own up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2017): Go ahead and drop the bomb on her. I think she deserves to know the truth and see you for who you really are. Why are you concerned about her after the fact? If it was just a timeout to think, how would you feel if she had sex with someone else as well?
I guess there would be a whole different post, with a completely different tone.
Why did you need space? Apparently you had an itch to scratch as well. So, you went out and bought some sex. I hope you used a condom.
Here's the thing. Relationships are built on trust. You two have some serious problems that you need to workout. You took a timeout instead of a full-fledged breakup; which you saw as an opportunity to seek a sex-worker. Then you wonder why she felt insecure and clingy? She probably noticed you were restless and had a roving-eye. There are giveaway clues and your distance was one of them.
Confess and suffer the consequences. The truth is, you deserve the consequences. Are you man enough to handle the consequences, or will you hide it from her?
If she's insecure and clingy, she'll smell the guilt.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 March 2017):
 Depends on her. Is she the type of person who would like to know? Not all people would like to know. So it really depends on her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2017): A guy admitting to his GF that he hired a prostitute has a similar effect on the relationship as when a woman admits to her BF that she has a promiscuous history. Prepare to get condemned.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2017): I hear you's all and agree with what you's say. And it pains me so much but I think I do have to tell her. But how do I go about it? How can I soften the blow a bit, and make it so she understands how regretful I am so she knows I'm open to stay with her if she will have me?
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (29 March 2017):
If you were not permitted to see other people, then the fact is you cheated on your girlfriend with a prostitute. So yes I do think you should tell her. Wouldn't you want to know if she'd cheated on you during this period of 'space'? Or would you be happy for her to lie to spare your feelings? If you want an honest relationship, then you have to start being honest. Let the chips fall where they may.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2017): Well I guess that depend on wether you would want to be told if she had sex with a male stripper or if some guy offered her money to sleep with him while you two were on the break ( and she considered it meaningless and regretted it )
I always find that the best rule to live by is to treat others exactly as you
Would have then treat you . Soooooo would you want to know if she had sex with another man that night ? Or would you want her to find excuses like 'oh it would hurt him and I'm sparing his feelings '
The only person you are protecting is yourself . At least be honest with yourself . This woman could go on to have your babies and your prepared to hide something this big ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2017): I don't think it's okay to pay for sex. Yes I did it, and I feel horrible about it, and it's strongly turned me against it. But yes I know how horrible it would seem on the other side, I was in a moment of weakness and collapsed. Would you ever understand that point? That in a moment of weakness and lapse of steady thought I gave in to lust and realised my mistake instantly?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2017): It is in no way to offload my guilt and make her feel bad. I feel like I fucked up and its her decision if she wants to try and reconcile things. If we move in together, if we get engaged, have kids, it will be under false pretences, unconstentual. Yes she probably will never find out unless I tell her because it wasn't a long affair or with someone I know or she knows. It was a stupid fuck up, and I'd rather not tel her, but then our relationship is a lie from here onwards..
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 March 2017):
 Why on earth would you want to tell her something like that? Is it to offload your guilt? If so, find someone else to talk to (preferably a councillor or someone who is in no danger of ever telling your girlfriend).
If she was insecure before, telling her something like this is hardly going to help your relationship, is it?
Learn from your experience and move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2017): No, I just wanted my own time, to come home and relax a part from her, we still texted and saw each other at the weekend, rather than being joint at the hip. And I feel like that was helpful. And no we were not permitted to see other people and yes I did use protection. I want our relationship to be pure and honest again but I know this will break her as she was never fully secure in the first place and me being the one to hurt her is so agonising
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (29 March 2017):
 It depends. How did you define "space"? Were you permitted to see other people during this time? Did you use protection during this event?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2017): Of course you have to tell her . A woman had a right to know if she is committing to a man who believes it's ok to buy women . Personally , if I had committed to a man and found out he had done that and then slept with me without telling me I would honestly feel raped and that's no exaggeration . I simply wouldn't want to sleep with a man who had done that . I'm not saying she will feel the same but SOME women feel incredibly strongly about the trading of their gender for aex and she has the right to know if she is with a man who has done this .
Or you can not tell her and risk her finding out and being scarred for life
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