A
male
age
36-40,
*enjaminth101
writes:I was dating a girl for 5 weeks – I felt there was something special there and every time we met there was always at least one point where we both laughed so hard we were crying. We even had cute pet names for each other (I called her peach). So basically I need some advice to know if she is just wasn’t that into me, lost attraction or I lost out to someone else. AND what I should do about it. A bit of context about her, she’s 27, beautiful and only been single a few months (but the last guy she was with was a bit possessive and negative.)I met her in work though she messaged me on a dating site after I had opened a door for her in the day (basically to say hi and thanks for being a gentleman). She hasn’t been working there long. After we started chatting on the dating site, we seemed to hit it off well, chatting late every night for 3/4 days and then I got her number and moved it to Whatsapp (basically I wanted to move it a step further). We made a date for a Saturday night to go to a bar, however, she did start to show slight cold feed the closer we got to the date as she was uncomfortable with a work relationship. I basically responded saying, that it’s just drinks but if she was uncomfortable then that’s fine. We actually changed our first date to her house where we drank 4 bottles of wine (she instigated this location) and had such a laugh and I actually got butterfly’s. I didn’t show I was too keen but I did kiss her and ended up staying the night (no sex but cuddling)I know she had a good time because she told her friends and even her mum about me. Later one of her friends even said I seemed to make her really happy.During our time together I did sleep with her once (on date 3 – though she did say later that she wish we had waited longer) and did some cute little things for her like on valentine’s day left a rose and card on her car (she didn’t get me anything though) and would leave her little notes on her desk. Because I wanted to show I wasn’t just in this for one thing. On date 3, she said that she had deleted all dating apps, and asked why I was on them. She also said to me that i’m a closed book and should open up more – so this showed me she was starting to think slightly seriously about things. However, I think I made my first mistake this night as I did tell her I really liked her and also had butterflys when I met her on date one. Given the choice, I wouldn’t have said anything, but I think I panicked slightly that I could lose her. Any way the night ended ok cause we kissed and I slept with her. The next morning we were giggling and laughing in bed and she said even said that it was her favourite thing to do (and slept together again).Any way, 2 days before this 3rd date she tried to call it off because people in work were starting to talk about us and on valentines day night she tried to call it off because she said she was struggling with work. On her birthday (15th Feb), I met her outside work in her car to chat quickly before she went to dinner with her family and she seemed so nervous. I told her I think we have something special and asked her if she liked me (which she said yes) and then but do you really like me (to which she said she really likes me). That weekend she was going to Liverpool and she cancelled our date on the Thursday because he cousin was visiting, however because I had been hurt that week, and felt she was starting to make excuses not to see me, I didn’t txt backInstead I downloaded the dating app and decided I was going to take her actions as a statement of intent. I did miss her over the weekend so on the Monday I messaged her, to which she was distant, and then we chatted on the phone to which she said we should just be friends. Again I asked her if she liked me and she said ‘You know I do’ but this is very confusing as for me, you wouldn’t want to lose someone you like and also you wouldn’t really want to be friends with someone you like. Anyway, we had 2 final dates, one lunch and one drink in a bar, again, this bar date went really well and we laughed and has a great time. When we got home we were even texting about it till late. The next night we also txt all night and had a laugh and were even making plans about going on days out and runs together etc.Anyway, she broke it off 4 days later saying she isn’t sure what she wanted or was actually looking for. At this point, I decided I would back away gracefully. I txt her back saying maybe it’s bad timing, that I think we had something special and unique but I wanted her to be happy and I should let her be with someone who doesn’t make her doubt anything. This was basically over 4/5 messages back and forth. She didn’t fight for me but said how much of a lovely person I am and have a lot to offer and 3 times that she wanted to be friends and even meet as friends now and then – however, I ignored this as I don’t want to be a door mat and think it could be a bad idea.Since this date i’ve done no contact (just over 3 weeks). I try to avoid her without making it obvious, but do say hello when I see her in work. However I do feel now that she might be back dating again which makes me feel a bit sick (considering her reasons she gave me and how quickly). I do genially believe that we could have something special but maybe this is all in my head. I need some advice on what I should do. I have focused on myself and living life as I would normally since we have been apart, but I do really like her. Should I continue with no contact and leave her until (and if) she comes back or should I reach out at a later date? Or should I just leave her as she was potentially just dragging me along for a ride.
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male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (29 July 2017):
LET HER GO MANWhen a girl walks away so soon, it's likely that it found a flaw in you that it's a deal breaker. You see, many girls, whether they admit it or not, have a checklist of their so called Mr Right, so if you happen not to match one of the items on their list, then you are down and out. You made a huge mistake saying:"I really liked her and also had butterflys when I met her on date one" . You only say that when you move further in the relationship, and when you feel that both are on the same page and same interest.This exactly happened to a friend of mine and co-worker. He fell in love with a girl on our work, gave her lots of flowers, showered with gifts, tried to kiss her too son, and his biggest mistake: he wanted to meet her parents.Now, this girl, was a very shy and smart girl, and from my experience those kinds of girls don't like PDAs, and they get really frightened when things go too fast. My friend was moving at lightning speed, and she ended up cutting the relationship, asking to be friends. She told him he was sweet and stuff, but she thought the relationship moved too fast and she needed a (permanent) break.My GF, when she was in college, there was a guy that bought her huge flower bouquets and highly expensive boxes of chocolates and huge and costly stuffed animals, several times a week, for many weeks. My GF freaked out about this guy, that she didn't know who he was, and all of the time she felt uncomfortable, frightened, and all she could thing was that this guy was a psycho. Turns out, the guy just wasted hundreds of dollars since she did not accepted any of her gifts. In this case, the guy moved too fast too.On my case, I moved like a turtle, slow but steady. Since I was a poor student, I gave her little and inoffensive gifts that she could not refuse, like FOOD, BOOKS, trips to a local park, tours through the city (she was from another city). 1.5 years later, when I was very sure about my feelings for her, I asked her to be my girlfriend, and things have gone very well ever since. I told her I liked since the beginning, and she told me it was mutual.Every girl has it's own pacing and likes things at different speeds. If you go too fast, you can freak a girl out, if you go too slow, the girl will feel frustrated. It's all about timing.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 March 2017):
 Leave her be. Whatever her reasons, she didnt see herself in a relationship with you. It happens.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (29 March 2017):
Definitely keep up the no contact and accept that she just wasn't that into you. I'd also suggest you reframe your thinking. Many people believe they have been 'strung along' or 'taken for a ride' when the other person simply wasn't feeling it. That's what dating is for - to see if the other person is the right fit. Just because she doesn't think so doesn't necessarily mean she was using you...
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 March 2017):
 You're doing well, keep up the no contact and leave it that way.
She's clearly unsure of what she wants and it's not fair to drag you into the middle of that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2017): If its all as you say it is then I think you just moved too fast and she put the brakes on because it was a work thing.If you changed your place of work and set your heart on marrying her then I think you could be a potential suitor,but as she feels it was too much too soon you would have to put some groundwork in.Part of her is feeling that she let herself down by engaging so quickly in intimacy and part of you is so busy playing it cool with sex etiquette in the work p!ace that she is not convinced you couldnt get it all and more from someone else,maybe also in the work p!ace.Perhaps it was just too much too soon and she needed some distance to re-assess herself and her actions and also she probably knew you were back on the dating site without undue delay, so it seems a bit too much of 'Easy Come, Easy Go!'You could surprise her by asking her on a respectful date but I think it is too much cat and mouse behaviour for true friendship.You must choose your own behaviour!And a!low her to set the standard she requires.This is difficult to do when you have already had a Been There Done That romantic Interlude.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 March 2017):
 I would let her go, to be honest.
If she was "iffy" about dating someone at work from the get go then it's not a good idea to pursue it.
And... I think if she was as KEEN on you, as you were/are on her - she wouldn't have ended it. I don't think you having been more "open" would have made a difference.
If she wants to get back in the dating game it's really none of you business. She didn't feel you two were a good fit long term and ended it before it became "too serious". She could have DRAGGED it out and strung you along, she didn't. She went on 5 dates with you and decided that she didn't think it was right for HER. THAT you can't change.
LEAVE her be. She had her chance.
LOOK elsewhere for a GF and PREFERABLE someone you aren't working with.
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