A
female
age
36-40,
*T1
writes:About 10 months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of a year, under duress from my parents - so it wasn't my choice. I said i wanted to remain good friends, because prior to dating we were great friends. Within three weeks of our breakup he declares that he's starting to fall for my best friend (who he liked before we dated). I took this pretty hard and did and said some silly things. Our relationship became so much where we argued and it was all but over. All this time, we kept seeing each other around through a mutual friend (another girl) to whom I'd basically bared my soul to in the months after we'd broken up - she's also friends with my best friend. She knew almost everything about our relationship because I couldn't talk to my best friend, because I was likely to just lose it and end in tears. However, within the last couple of months, I've sensed that my ex and this mutural friend were growing closer as they were constantly flirting and I even asked my ex what was going on, in light of the fact that this girl has a long term boyfriend. He denied everything. Then about a month ago, he declares that he and this girl had spent a whole morning one day the week before making out. I was completely crushed, devistated and felt sick and felt betrayed that my friend could do that to me, as well do it to her boyfriend with whom i am friends. I don't have feelings for my ex, I no longer want him back, I don't like who he's become. When i asked her about it, she denied it, but i know she's lying. What am I supposed to do? Our friendship has changed since that day - the same day as i asked is the same day that he told her that i knew (because he'd told me). I believed her at first, that it wasnt true and that my ex why lying, but i've found proof that she herself was lying and that they are very much together. I'm really stuggling with it. All I want is the lying to stop, and I could possibly even just ignore the fact that this is going on if she was honest and it all came out. All this time I just can't help but feel sick to the core. Question is: is my reaction founded? What should I do - should I approach her and tell her i know the truth? Should I also tell her boyfriend?
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (13 November 2007):
 Nope. I still say do nothing.
You broke up with him. At that point it is none of your business how he chooses to live his love life.
You are mad at that girl for being with him, because if it was not for your father, YOU WOULD STILL BE WITH HIM. And you can blame your father all you want, but you still had a choice. You are not a teenager. You are an adult, and you did stay with him for a year, so your dads ultimatum is not the real issue.
Even if you are telling the truth that it is not about jealousy, the fact is that is what you will come across as if you say anything at all. It is YOUR reputation that will be violated if you do say something, not hers.
It sucks that you bared your soul to someone, and she dated him afterwards. However, part of the reason she is attracted to him is directly becuase of the things you told her about how YOU feel for him. It really is not a good idea to tell your "friends" that much information. Maybe she just wanted to see if he was as amazing as you made him sound.
But the bottom line is that you even admit you do not love him anymore....which I think is the real reason you broke it off...your dad just gave you the excuse you needed so that you do not have to take responsibility for it. Then when you heard that he got with another girl this quickly, and it was a girl that you told all about him, you are looking for a way to lash out because he replaced you after you dumped him. That is how it is going to look like.
You contradict yourself in your words.
-Frank B Kermit
A
female
reader, KT1 +, writes (13 November 2007):
KT1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks anon. I promised myself when broke up that I'd love him in some form for the rest of my life. We'd talked about getting married one day, he even told me he had the day he wanted to ask me to marry him in mind. I loved him and I never believed he would be capable of doing this. It makes me scared that something like this was going on when we were together. I didn't think I sound jealous. Sure I want a boyfriend, but I'm not jealous. I'm thinking about telling my best friend who knows all parties involved, just because she knows I haven't been myself and my friendship with the aweful girl has been noticably different recently - do you think I should? I'm worried about the risks involved. I was physically sick when I found out, just because of the whole mixed up circumstances. I'm not quite ready to go to the boyfriend yet - i need to be cool and calm and ready I think - does that sound reasonable? Also, how do you think i should approach that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): I'm sorry I don't know what the heck those two are on about jealousy. I do feel like you may have slight feelings for him because your break-up was not because you both fell out of love, but because you had to. So naturally you'll still have them, they were abruptly cut off.. it's understandable. AND I'm sorry you ex is a freaking douche bag!!! Your other friend seems like a lying whore. If you have concrete evidence for which there cannot be found a lie, confront her, tell her boyfriend because she obvious doesn't deserve him and your ex and her obviously deserve each other and their douche-baggy ways. Maybe you'll end up with her.. perhaps soon to be ex. In any case, what goes around comes around, I'll pray that you are his "what-if" girl, and he kicks his own ass for the rest of his life! Good luck with yours, you deserve better friends because they are obviously not true ones.
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A
female
reader, KT1 +, writes (13 November 2007):
KT1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou think I sound jealous. I'm not. I don't love him, but i did care about this friendship with the girl because of her connection with my other friends. My father strongly disliked my ex for a number of reasons, ranging from his personality to his choice of religon, but regardless, I loved him anyway - but my father gave me no choice - my boyfriend (now my ex) or my family - what real choice what that?
What gets me is that I beared everything to her, so now I feel betrayed - surely that's natural considering he's my ex and its unsaid etiquette that friends dont date their friend's exs - at least without saying anything. As I already said, this girl also has a long term boyfriend, with whom I am friends - so she's cheating on him with my ex. Am I supposed to ignore this and not tell the boyfriend even though I have explict proof that they are involved (my ex and the girl)? If she didn't lie about it and didn't already have a boyfriend, then I would agree that my reaction is unfounded. But do you still think its unfounded?
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (12 November 2007):
 As harsh as it might seem, you just sound jealous. Maybe you love this guy still, but he's moved on and you need to deal with that!
If you feel betrayed by your friend then thats something to consider. Is this friendship really important to you as to try and fix it? Do you need this friendship? Will you be able to trust her again? If not, then close that chapter of your life and move on. If it is, if it truly is, then sit with her and have an honest conversation and try to work it out.
In terms of the bf. What and how is your alliance to him? Trough her? Then move on. If he were your best friend (among the two of them) I would suggest saying something. But I think in this situation you would just do it to hurt her and thats not a reason to mess up someones relationship.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (12 November 2007):
Are you sure you are not jealous and just looking for an excuse? What your EX bf does, or who he does really is not your business. You broke up with him because of your parents...so you say. You already showed him that you are the one that cannot be trusted when after a year you dump him. *You never state why your parents dislike him.
He is free to be with whoever he wants, and your friends are free to be with whatever guy they want. Stay out of it. You do not know what all the relationship dynamics are, and the fact is, what everyone else is doing is non of your business.
Your reaction is understandable, but it is not founded. Say nothing to no one. Your EX probably just told you to get you riled up and jealous so that it could lead to the two of you getting sexual without being in a relationship.
-Frank B Kermit
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